#if anybody argues here i'll kms leave my personal vent alone

[kneesdeep]

i was gonna write a long winded complaint in the tags of a post but i'll do it here instead.

DID/OSDD sucks balls and nobody can ever tell me this is fun in any sense. it's not even the switching that bothers me anymore, as it's been this way since i was around 9. it's the fact i can't hold hobbies, interests or accomplishment in any field or jobs i swore i used to love. there is no solid identity ever and i can't focus on one thing for a long period of time what so ever. i disassociate in the car, at work taking orders, walking, all of that. i get lost in my own town because suddenly nothing is recognizable to me and i have to use maps and notes and physical flash cards to help me navigate my own routine.

when i was younger it was so much easier. i was surrounded by so much of the trauma that caused me to develop this that it was almost distracting enough to not think about how badly my life is affected. the things i focused on WERE how my alters looked, sounded and acted to me, how they represented me and their interpersonal relationships with another crazy mentally ill teenager. what i focused on was so fictional and character-like that it was so easy to get lost in that daydream and not have to think about how the severe brain fog will never go away and i won't ever have a concrete memory of a day.

even days when i do not switch its so blurry still. i cant recall day to day things unless i explicitly write it down as it happens, or take pictures of everything. which causes my peers to think i am detached from the world (not too far from the truth) or shallow. i'm scared nobody knows who i am because i can't even tell half the time.

this disorder sucks and i'm venting about my struggles with it. i am irritated and angry at teenagers on the internet who view this disorder as a fun way to roleplay and vent out frustrations. it's bad. you don't want it. the commodification of fictional introjects and alters to take blame for inappropriate actions, using them as tools to describe your emotions, it's very very annoying because it's so wrong. you're intentionally convincing yourself of a horrible illness to play pretend and it's scary.

i'm not saying if you're not diagnosed or self diagnosed to die forever in hell. not even close. i'm saying that roleplaying with a mental illness is very scary and a way to irritate people with the disorder, and cause even worse problems for yourself in the future by furthering a delusion.

#if anybody argues here i'll kms leave my personal vent alone