#in my mind. she wasnt wrong these dogs have so much fur. packed like a chinchilla coat. theyre all smooth/rough tho

[smolchildren-ily]

CAREFUL! VERY GRAPHIC AT TIMES!!!! Can be triggering for people who lost pets :(

Yesterday you crossed the rainbow bridge. Susi. A name I gave you just for fun. You, a random cat who kept stopping by and who ended up having her on basket on our terrace, sheltered from the wind underneath the table. You, who, without me knowing, grew really attached to my heart. I bought food for you passionately, I did, as weird as it may sound, I was eager to go shopping for you and I was so happy every time I could feed you because I saw how happy it made you. Unlike our two 'actual' cats who just ever complain, dont eat up or just straight up leave the food the way we put it in the bowl. I would be even happier when I could give you their leftovers because it meant you would have an extra full belly that day. I made sure to always provide you with dry food, too, always filled up the bowl when it was empty - which it was a lot, but a handful of other cats come by, too, I know. Also your brothers, or at least those who I call your brothers, because often times after I would have given you food you licked it a bit and then vanished just to return with Oliver and "Lackl" behind you. I felt like you always made sure they also got a full belly, even more than you yourself, actually, and that is the reason why you kept getting them. Now, with you gone, they have no more lead, and they will never know where you disappeared to or why their beloved sister left them. I feel so sorry for them, too. But they still stop by, just an hour ago both came here together. I will feed them in your stead. I will give them one pack extra, the pack that used to be for you. I loved you so much and I didnt even realize until I saw you motionless, like you were sleeping, in the absolute middle of the street in front of our house, but hidden behind big bushes so I couldn't see you. I couldn't help you. When the lady with the dog came and asked me who owns a fluffy, grey-black cat and that she would be out on the street, dead. You were already dead. Already dead. Blood poured from your mouth, and from your mouth only. A small puddle had formed under your head. Thick, cherry red blood. When I... When I picked up your body later that day, in the evening, to... to... to take you to the most heartbreaking, unholy and disgusting place, unworthy of any loved animal or animal at all, actually, because my mum didnt want you in her garden next to her beloved cat, I realized. I realized that you had only been dead for a maximum of 30 to 60 minutes. The 30 to 60 minutes I had just gotten up. I think it was late that I got up, either at 9.5 or 8.5 or maybe it was 8.14 after all. And because I felt it was so late, I was so surprised not to see you in front of the door already, like I saw you every day. Every day, for, I dont actually know how long. I dont know for how long I've known you. I dont think it was very long, but I dont remember. I just know that you were suddenly just t h e r e. Because, your brothers, they had actually visited us even before you started coming to our house. And then one day they brought you and you stayed.

You weren't there yesterday morning, and I didnt think about it much. It sometimes happened that you needed to catch on as to that I was awake - usually by my steps or latest when I opened the blinds of the kitchen window which faces the garden and the direction that we believe you stemmed from. So I went to open the blinds and sat bored beside my other cat and watched her eat, as I have to do because otherwise she wont eat often times. And I was looking forward to seeing your small, excited face behind the glass door, and to pet your soft fur. Then watch you eat away and walk into my way to beg for more. When my cat was done, I happily grabbed a pack, a different one from usual, because you had begun to not like the usual, so I wanted to give you a special treat. And I grabbed that pack and skipped to the door, opened it energetically and awaited your absolute immediate arrival and exploding joy over me and the food I was bringing you. You didnt come, which was weird. Somewhat weird, but it had been raining all week, and during rain you seemed to spend a lot of your time somewhere else. Maybe at the place that was originally your home? Your origin is still 50/50 a mystery. My mum says from the farmer where your brothers are from, but I'm not sure. But it must have been the case, because where else would you have come from? A bit run down, skinny. God, you looked so healthy just a couple of days me feeding you. So little days. I was proud you recovered so quickly, unlike your brothers, who seem to be doing very badly all the time. Such soft fur, so sleek.

And the blood was fresh and your limbs were still moving normally when I touched you. That is, later that day, that I realized: If I had gotten up earlier. If I hadn't been so lazy or tired or both. Just, maybe a couple of minutes? Maybe just 15 minutes? Who knows if you would have made it safely across the street to our house. Because you would have heard me open the blinds sooner. And you would have made your way to me sooner, and the car, the driver who was on his way to work, he wouldn't have hit your head, or any other part of you. I was just so happy that you weren't obviously hurt anywhere. Just this blood dripping from your mouth, forming a small puddle under your small, beloved head I loved to pet more than I had realized.

And I wonder, if I hadn't been so lazy or tired, if you would still be here today, and yesterday. Or if it already happened before I got up. While I was still... I wasnt sleeping, I was awake. As always, as usual. My cat always wakes me up in the middle of the night and or I just wake up at 5 or 6 or 7. Usually I stay in bed until 8, in any of those cases. But I stayed longer than 8 even, and if I had just gotten up. I wonder, could I have helped you? But I wouldt have seen you, hidden behind the big bushes, outside on the street.

The lady vet who was very busy but was one of the only ones who answered my call told me if a car hit her on the head she was probably immediately dead. Or wherever you were hit. I hope. I hope. I hope you were. Were... you know, immediately. Without pain. I wish that you died loving me and looking forward to seeing me again and to receive pets. And I will give them to you, and all the food and all the hugs you want, once we meet again. Because I hope we meet again, I dearly do, seldom have I hoped so intensely for heaven to exist. I realized that the older I get, the harder it becomes to say goodbye, to lose someone. Up until this day I believed it would become EASIER. Easier, because by an old age, you would have been through so much already. Lost so many people, so many cats. But I realize it's not and I dread the days I have to say goodbye to our other cats, to any cat, actually, to any animal. I will not be thinking about people at this time, because it is too soon. To soon, to soon, to soon. As it was too soon for you. I love you so much.

Given we have somewhat a neighbour hassle I put my mind to try to find a vet who would examine your body. To make sure you weren't poisoned, because I couldn't see any visible injuries on you. Just this little, thick puddle of cherry red blood underneath your mouth. So many vets only opened in the late afternoon, so many were on holiday, so many only opened again on Monday. But I found this lady vet, and whilst having a patient on the table she hurryliy told me that, if I found you in the middle of the road, it was most likely car. And you were probably dead. You know. What I hope you was. For your sake. And for my sake. I dont want to talk about it anymore. I love you.

After this lady vet, who said that she technically does examine bodies, but who seemed somewhat reluctant and like the result was clear anyway, I called who I was going to call in the first place: the animal clinic 40 minutes from us. I wasnt keen on being with... a body, because that is what you were at that point, a body. With a body in the car for 40 minutes, but I was gonna do it, just to know, just to make sure that t h i s o n e t i m e I would actually k n o w what happened to my cat. So I would know and not wonder for the rest of my life: What happened? What went wrong? Could I have done something? Do I need to guard our other cats? But I was going to do it.

The lady who picked up this time was very friendly. She caught on almost immediately that I'd just lost a cat, and after she called me back to tell me that poison leaves the body too quickly to get usable results and that it would be a few hundred euro to have this analysis done, told me she wished me all the best and if I have any questions I should call. She was the first person that day - yesterday, it was just yesterday. But it felt like a nightmare, and it feels long ago already. A nightmare I want to forget, but I dont want to forget you. Susi.

She acknowledge my pain and your death and she consoled me when I had noone else who would do that for me. My parents are on holiday until tomorrow, the one friend who I told about your death literally just replied "I'm so sorry, that's so terrible, crying faces". But I needed more than that. I didnt get it until today when I woke up just as devastated as I was yesterday and went to have lunch with my grandmother, who also knew you. And who liked you, too.

"The green-eyed one" is what she called you. The green-eyed one, because green eyes you had. So beautiful, so big. In German, we like to say "Telleraugen". Eyes as big as plates. She was also visibly devastated. It is always said to tell your old grandmother that another beloved person or animal died. So much pain they have gone through already, and it just keeps getting worse.

But we talked a lot and long about you. And how it happened. Probably happened. And who I suspect to be the murderer. Our immediate neighbours, one of them at least. When I opened the door, shortly after, I heard them leave. The woman left in her white car. But I was just glad she left, I didnt care what direction she drove off to, so I didnt see where she went. I wish I had. And usually she drives into the direction where I found you on the street. May God punish her for her sins, and do so gruelly and painfully. If it was her. Maybe it was him, because later he returned in his old, small motorcycle thing. Maybe it was him. He shall be punished just as hard and gruelly as his girlfriend if it was either of them. And if it wasnt, I wish your murderer the plague and death and a hell of a lot of gruesome pain for the rest of their pitiful life. My first suspicions had been the neighbours who had newly moved here the last couple of years. Some younger people and old people who dont care at all that we have limit here in our village of 30 kmh. Who just never care and race down the hill like they own the place. And then hit a cat that just casually wanted to get her breakfast from a human who loves her very much. I hate all of you spenders, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, and I hate this neighbourhood and I hope everyone here dies a cruel death. Bit most of all, I hope your murderer and all other spenders who put the lives of loved ones at risk, die gruesome and cruel deaths. Just like you had to. I still love you.

Time is progressing, my battery decreasing and it is getting colder. I've written so much by now, but I have so, so much more to talk about. Tomorrow, my arms and fingers will hurt because I typed all of this on my phone. But at least I still have a body and feelings that can hurt me. Unlike you, who is not here anymore.

That day yesterday was so cruelly terrible. Oh my god.

I was so restless the whole day because I didnt know what to do with your body. I put it in the semi-shed/semi-room at the back of our house, where the small greenhouse and the grave of my mother's beloved cat, who was also hit by a car, but out of nowhere after a whopping 7 years of life. The grave which is also there. I had put you in a wooden basket somewhat, onto kitchen roll. For the blood to drip onto. And to make it more comfortable in your death, even though it probably wouldn't have made a big difference, even if you could have, or would have, still felt it. It was a bit too small for you and when I picked you up, you were so heavy, and so motionless, like, and I hate to draw this comparison, but like a sack of potatoes. Heavy and motionless and it was so weird to lift you up without you moving and squirming and trying to get away from me. It was so strange, alien strange, horribly strange. I saw the puddle out of the corner of my eyes but I didnt really see anything and I didnt want to see anything, the lady with the dog just wanted you off the street and that's what I did. I was blind with tears and when I put that wooden basket thing down I saw I hadn't put your head in a too comfortable position so I... I moved you a bit so that your head wouldn't be down at your chest, and your legs moved instead a bit over the rim. Then I squatted there, looking at you. As I do a lot with my other cat. To make sure you really weren't breathing anymore. To discover that you would still be breathing and I could still take you to the vet after all and I would still be able to feed you and pet you, and all would be good. But after staring at you intensely for 2 minutes or so. Blood still dripping a tiny bit out of your mouth, just luckily I didnt have to see that, your head was still moved so that I couldn't really see your face, just mostly your body. But I saw the blood on the kitchen roll expanding. It was seemingly clear that you were. The four letters.

But I didnt really believe it. Not really. Not really so. I went back upstairs to cry, and to do something about my sadness. To call the vets, have you examined, get clearance. To put my sadness to work. And as I sat there at the kitchen table with the phones I still expected you to come running up the stairs, staring into the room and scratching the glass door to have your food. That you just passed out for an hour or two or so and would come back. I really did!

And every shadow I saw out of the corner of my eyes, I thought they were all you, returning from the backside of the houses happily and healthy and excited and quirky as ever. Just your usual self, you know.

But you didnt come, and I was restless. After I had talked to the first lady vet I realized, I decided it was most likely a car that hit you. So at least I knew how it most probably happened. But what do to with your body? And I didnt want to bring you away just yet. Because it was clear to me that I would have to bring her to the most horrible, ungrateful and unworthy of any beloved pet or animal place on earth. Because you weren't my mums favourite, and she wouldn't want you in her garden. But at lunch I asked her anyway. I texted her about that I found you dead in street in the morning, and if I could bury you next to Leeloo to give you the forever home you probably always wanted. Just a little too late.

But my mother said no. Well, not explicitly. But she suggested I take you there, and after I said I didnt want to but it is her garden and her decision. I had to wait another couple of hours, until 6 o'clock in the evening, one of which I spent half asleep in bed with our second cat, because the living still demanded my attention, oblivious of the fact that one of them had just reached the end of their road. Until 6 clock in the evening when she finally replied to take you there.

Up until that point, I had gone back a couple of times to check on you. I sat at the kitchen table knowing flies would be all over your body at some point, because this is not the first time I had to witness the dead body of one of our cats. And I didnt want the flies there so I covered you up with newspapers. Another time I came to you with scissors and an empty box that had stored Qtips, because I wanted something od you to remain with me for the rest of my life. And your fur look so inviting, not flat on your skin but a bit more wildly into the air. So I carefully cut a few tips of your fluffy silkness. The box is sitting in front of me in the book shelf, originally I wanted to bury at least this bit of you in the garden next to the beloved cat. I wanted at least some part of you to have a furever home. And I still do. But I cant do it just yet. It could be that I will just keep it here. But I will definitely put up a stone with writing on it, saying "In love and remembrance of Susi".

Another time, before that, I think, I spent a long while sitting on the tiny stone rim in front of Leeloos grave, because I was pondering if I shouldn't just bury you anyway, despite what my mother says about you. But it was her garden, so I didnt. Just this one time, I wish I had not done as I was told. I wish I hadn't even asked.

But there, in the middle of the path to the grave, there were a bunch of unusally long daisies growing l, and I had the strong desire to put up flowers for Susi. For you. So I picked them and laid them down next to your body.

I think I went down another time, always in "full gear", with heavy boots on because the grass at the backside is usually wet and gross. But you laid on concrete in the semi-room, so no worries. So I went down there just to be with you. Because I still didnt want to believe it. I couldn't believe it. I refused to. I thought if I just spent some more time with you, you would wake back up. I had one of the masks on and one time gloves when I touched you. Which I didnt for the most part.

When I had Google about the poison, many people describe situations like your death. No, sorry, I googled what the blood meant, and that is where I found it could be poison, or even a heart attack, or inner injuries. But these people also described their cats having their eyes open, so I went to check your eyes cause I hadn't seen them. And they were open. Though I only saw one. One side of your face. If your cute, beautiful face. And I tried to close them, it, but almost immediately realized it didnt work, so I gave up. But I wish I could have done at least that for you.