#is going well. i cannot imagine. i suppose ignorance is bliss but i can't be ignorant when the cruel reality was forced on me &others i kno

[holylacydoll]

im just so restless rn idk

#like ive been up all night and im on some meds but not others #and i just cannot calm down. like. i can't rest and im so angry and nauseous. i want to kms yet i just sit here freaking out #i hate my life and i hate humanity. i hate living as what feels like not even half a person. i #im just this mess. im far from the worst. but others have made me worse & now im just this. fcking failed creature that should be dead #i wish i was dead i want to die i should do it but im a coward #i hate everything and everyone #i just want to die and stop existing. i hope there's no afterlife bc i'll probably go to hell but i dont care i deserve it. i want to never #think again. i want to scream im going to scream and i want to run for miles then stab someone then myself #hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate #what the fuck is wrong with me god i want to blow my gd brains out why am i like this why is tje world loke thid #true happiness doesnt exist. it just doesn't. it cant. it's only brief moments of joy between this pathetic misery. i dont trust anyone who #claims to be truly happy. or maybe it's possible if youre so selfish you can ignore the bad things happening to others if your own situatio #is going well. i cannot imagine. i suppose ignorance is bliss but i can't be ignorant when the cruel reality was forced on me &others i kno #even those i dont know. like. being that self-centered to just ignore other's suffering for my own happiness. i couldn't even if i wanted t #if someone says they're truly happy they must live in a bubble where they block out everything else. bc nobody with any compassion for othe #ppl could ever be happy from the bottom of their heart. it doesnt seem possible unless you are REALLY sick and/or selfish. #i need to stop rambling. it's been like 4 hours or smth. but i feel like if i stop typing im just gonna bash my head against a wall or smth #idk idk idk #yeah okay i need to stop. shut up shut up shut.up #ugh ugh ugh #im going to explode and scream :) #i just want to die NOW but im a coward so im just gonna try tje same shit i always do