#ive been called a loner all my life. im just lonely.

[unrrrreliable]

08.06.2021

so much stuff happened

i dont even know where to start lol. actually ive wanted to come on here a few times but i didnt know the password but oh well.

so to summarize all the stuff thats been happening/has happened this past 8 months: 1- school, no friends (in my class), same shit. 2- my dad got drunk on february 5th and got stuck in the fucking park at like 23.00 and my brother and i had to call security to open the gate and then we also had to call the police and the ambulance because he was too drunk and aggressive. and 3- i had this fucking piano competition on march 21st, got the 1 prize which was reaaallly wide as in a lot of people, even those who didnt really deserve it, got it. basically it was really fucking stressfull since i was practicing the wrong way, didnt make huge progress, wanted to stop and cried a lot. but hey its been a month (the 2nd and last part was on may 8th and it went pretty bad because i got like 5th prize. i know i competed against ppl who are in university but i still couldve done better and anyone who comforted me knows that. i also went to the therapist a few times. is it helping? well i cant say that it isnt, but yk. at least its someone i can talk to. 

right now i still have to practice for my piano exam which will be on june 24th. its going fine ig, although i didnt study properly for like a month. thank fuck tests are done bc i seriously couldnt do any more of that shit istg. 

to be fair whats worst in this precise moment is my school situation,. not academic, but social. so as you know, i havent reallyyy tried to be part of the boy group in my class, as in i dont really talk to them, mostly because i just have no idea of what to say to start a conversation so it gets really akward. but today my mom came into my room asking me if there was a cena di classe today and ofc i said no bc no one had invited me. but then i remembered that yesterday a few ppl were organizing something for today. i think it wasnt only the 4 guys but there also were some girls but im not sure. either was, not trying to be dramatic but that kinda hurt lol. like i know i dont talk a lot in class but what would it cost you to invite me. but whatever. i also cried 30 min ago. it felt good afterwards tbh. but i still kinda feel like shit. its just the fact that this whole school year ive been really fucking lonely. not 0 friend lonely, but generally in class i would be kind of a loner. like i only talked to the two girls who sit behind me and who of course have their own friend group, which they have had since middle scjhool. my middle school friend group basically dismantled since two of theme are in one class and therefeore formed their own group, two others went to another school and another one, which is basically the only one i talk to daily, is in a different school. and honestly we dont go out that much anymore because i stopped writing. i realized that i was the only one who would ever call them so i felt that i was being kinda clingy or maybe i just didnt get the message. anyways, i know that i couldve tried harder and actually get in the group but idk, i just didnt care. obviously it sucked to be alone and i knew why i was and what i had to do in order not to be it anymore, but idk why i just didnt try enough. so yeah this school year sucked ass. at least im changing classes next year. 

one of the reasons why i didnt really bond w them is that were just different people who have different tastes and interests. they talk a lot about video games and football, which i have no understanding of. generally every interaction i have with them is really akward. but still i feel like and know that i couldve tried harder. what sucked is that all my friends are in other classses and formed their own friend groups and are just moving on yk? it kinda tore apart the friend group but im happy for them. meanwhile i was stuck in that class. not many friends tbh, never went out and still never go out. wow nice im crying again. 

tbh what really sucked was going home at lunch or after school alone and seeing wveryone with their own friend groups. and yes again, i know that i could have waited for them or just tried to conversate with them, but whenever i waited for them or tried to catch up they just walked faster (not on purpose) but it was impossible to even squeeze myself in so i was just like whatever. also what really sucks is that they (plus another guy who literally is always hanging out with his girlfriend) are the only guys in my class. and i cant only hang out with girls cause yk.

i also miserably attempted to form a group which consisted of me g g v and v. it failed because g and g started getting all bitchy and viscious and i was like ok then fuck off. plus theyre always w their boy/girlfriend, and v is always w g. and i literaly have never even had a conversation with v. 

but im so glad m exists. shes one of my best friends. i really like being around her, talking to her, i like the way she just lives life and is up to anything. also she’s always there. i just love her so much. not in a romantic way though. i also really like f but she hangs out with her boyfriend every satuday, which was the day we used to hang out. i still love talking to her and being with her. those are basically roughly the only two people i hang out with. like i cant really think of anyone else except for my old middle school friend group with which the last time we all hung up was in march. 3 months ago. i hung out w a, in the middle of april i think. but that was it. so of course we dont hang out regularly. also, i havent gone out for the entirety of may, which again i know is my fault, like i couldve asked anyone in my class. the boys dont really go out tho, bc i know e only hangs out w his out-of-our-class friends. and tbh i feel like if the 4 of them went out he would invite me (questionable?). but idk. but again, i really like hanging out w her, acc we went to milan on friday. it was really nice. we both enjoyed it a lot. theres still something i wanna say about her but my mom is calling me so i have to wipe out my tears haha

see ya

[mylifewithptsd]

Girls break my heart

My sadness is very deep , it is a wound that has been opened far too long and Im not sure if it will ever heal. Every girl wants a mom , sister , daughter , cousin , bff , co worker , neighbhoor , etc... Without women in my life , I feel empty inside , that I do not belong and suffer great sadness and loneliness by myself day after day. I try to stay positive and optimistic , but honestly my loneliness is killing me inside. I lost the only women in my life that was a mother to me and I truely miss her everyday. She always made me feel special and loved. I miss having a mother figure , its really hard to be alone in this world without women and surrounded by men that either question and critisize my ways , cooking and cleaning and are hard on my emotions and just want to use me for sex. Then I get all these bitches bringing me down and talking to me like Im a cry baby for being lonely. Ive been alone far too long , I can go months (2-3) without one single visitor at my house , these people aren't my friends and should be dropped imediatelty , they poison my mind ! I give up trying , women are cruel , Im only called to help clean , cook , move , yardwork , babysit , favors , ect.. and its obvious Im a plan z , unfortunately my mother treats me the same - true sadness! However I stay strong and will keep trying to meet new people who are likeminde and positive 😊 I deserve healthy friendships and need to change my life surroundings , as this is destroying me and I can't even communicate properly with people anymore and suffer from social anxiety and fear of meeting new people and making new friends , I've been like this for 12 years now and it's killing me inside. Im sure I am not alone as a loner in this world , however Ive yet to meet anyone who is alone for months at a time , Im going to die from loneliness if nothing changes ! My fake friends and uninterrested family say that its normal and I should suck it up and I believed them , so stayed alone and strong for years , to discover that its not fucking normal , not fucking humain and if I was a dog , it would be considered cruel and illigal , however I am nothing but a little girl 😞

Lonely girl looking for sisterhood , it is essential for all women 💜