#ive said enough i dont need to be cringe on top of showing my soul

[figuringlifeoutanonymous]

I'm so annoyed.

The way you two started was not innocent. You knew exactly what you were doing. You were in a COMMITTED relationship. Of course your boyfriend would freak out and get defensive. Of course he'd get jealous and overprotective and break your personal boundaries because YOUVE done this BEFORE. Don't put the blame on him for acting the way he does. Please don't. Because you and I both know you're not innocent. As much as you want to think you are. You liked other said person for a long time. Obsessed with him even, to the point where you checked on him constantly. He said some crazy things to you, hurtful things, and everybody's told you what a red flag he is. He's a MESS. You can do so much better, but because he's fire you're jumping right in. Even when you were with your boyfriend at the time. You started talking to him, out of nowhere, and he reached out too. He was trying to get things straightened out with his marriage, and granted they don't seem like they were doing well, but talking to you want helping that at all. He said all the right things. He flirted with you. You talked to him CONSTANTLY and still do!! Even more than your actual boyfriend. You are comparing the long relationship you had to the honeymoon stage of this one that you've built up in your head. It's not a book. It's not a freaking fairy tale. This is LIFE. You pulled your boyfriend down this long agonizing path all for the sake of making sure and breaking his heart. You don't know how to be alone. You don't know how to just be. You need to make sure you have another net before you jump from one relationship to the next. You won't jump until you see it. You'll hem and haw all the way. Because you don't want to be alone. You just jump. You've admitted it yourself. It's excruciating and cringing to watch. Just learn to be yourself. Learn to be by yourself. Because every relationship doesn't come good from jumping into another before ending the previous. And you ended it with James and NOT EVEN A WEEK LATER you're going out with the one you were talking to already. And he didn't even ASK YOU. I HAD TO MAKE HIM ASK YOU. You just accepted. Do you know how desperate that sounds? How's that love story in your head? Well, he didn't ask me and just kinda skirted around the question. NO. That's not how this goes. And for the record, you guys said I love you way too fast. Even for knowing each other for years, you guys didn't speak for a long time. It just seems like he's saying all of this to get in your pants WHICH HE DID QUICKLY MIGHT I ADD. And to top it all off, you get pregnancy scares every month. Can you PLEASE for the love of GOD AND ALL THINGS HOLY use more protection so you don't get this stressed every fucking time? And don't come to me panicking over a possible pregnancy scares with perfect guy here when you DONT USE A CONDOM. Even if he pulls out that's not safe enough. Precum HAS SPERM IN IT. Jesus Christ. Even if he says he knows, I guarantee you he doesn't. He got his ex knocked up. And I'm sure others were on birth control, but YOURE NOT. Don't take that chance. And I don't get a good vibe from him. I don't think he cares as much as you do. You're OBSESSED with him. To the point where you constantly talk to him every second of every single day. Like put your God damn phone down for a couple hours and actually spend time with me or whoever else you decide to hang out with. Sure, I'm not him, and if you two haven't talked in a while that's fine. But every time we hang out? All the time? EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY? He doesn't need to know everything! And Jesus. If he opens a snap and doesn't respond for like 20 minutes and you get sad and freak out. WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU? Your whole life is surrounded by this one person and the day he breaks your heart will be soul killing. Not only that, but he'll convince you of anything he wants. You're no longer you anymore. It's annoying. I want to tell and get your attention. Like. I don't ever get to see you either.

The other day was supposed to be for my birthday but you ignored me for half of it to to talk to him. This is why I don't hang out with you as much anymore. You're not you. And it's not because I'm not accepting. I just hate seeing my best friend be puppeted and controlled by a man she's given all her power to. It's disgusting and annoying and absolutely frustrating.

Oh and by the way. It's SUPER annoying over the fact that I TRIED to get you to see an artist with me when I begged you to, and I had to drag you to even consider the idea and I KNEW you would've liked him you just didn't even bother to listen, and I show him to you now and you say he's amazing and wonderful and all these good things. You put him on your Facebook and claim you can't tag me in it. Pssh. Ok. But you're claiming it. THIS IS WHY I DONT SHOW YOU THINGS. You just COPY. I want something that is wholly and entirely my own. Without feeling like you'll shove me out of the way to claim it as yours. Because that's what you do every time. This is why I don't show you things. You seek attention at every moment. Not everyone is interested in you. And honestly, you need to grow up a little bit and actually mature. Because you're convinced you have, but you honestly haven't. IVE grown more than you have in a shorter amount of time.

[chaoscrystals]

Every note in my phone 22

I guess this is the turning point for me. I'm almost embarrassed at how psychological my journey is. Its all thoughts... Its time to unearth the suppressed and forgotten memories I have, and hopefully uncover the cause and cure the cause for me not believing in life. Sometimes everything feels fake. I feel like I'm used to being dissapointed, and to hearing people talk a big game but have nothing to show for it, and its all breaking my heart. This has to be the turning point because I want to kill myself. So I'm sitting on the fence, like teal swan said suicidal people do. And I've never actually tried to kill myself, not like Michael who has tried to kill himself 4 times. No, I've never tried but I have been thinking about it for years on and off. I just wanna die cause I think everything is a lie. I feel like society is so sick, and everyone's just used to it, and everyone knows but no one is doing anything about it and I really feel like that's fucking retarded, and I don't understand how people aren't caused intense amounts of discomfort by eating refined sugar and salt, and how they don't cringe when they see a mother berate her child, or how I can just sit at home and watch everything happen, and not play with the other kids, I don't understand what they're talking about. I don't understand, but I want to. Isn't that the greatest human journey? Understanding everything. That's why this dimension showed up, right? So we could learn about how we really are. What a Fuck up, why are so many people choosing to not be aware? Is being unaware really so much better? Help. I'm arrogant. Fuck off mom it's not my fault you're behind now. How do you think time and children and society work? Of course I'm more future, helooooo. I'm not arrogant. Fuck I can't get it together if all these scenes from my childhood keep playing on repeat in my head. What's going on? Why am I alive? I want to kill myself I guess my main goal for today is to organize and categorize the waves of feeling I'm feeling. Some I like, some I don't like, some make me feel obligations and they are heavy. Fuck. * If you're polyamorous or in open relationships and you don't disclose that upfront, you're fake and wack and your so-called radical philosophy is actually just becoming your excuse to not confront your own emotions. Most people expect monogamy after a certain point, though I can predict this changing more than it already is now. I believe in freedom of association sexually and romantically HOWEVER most people outside of certain social pockets would be VERY upset if you and them were fucking and they found out that you had been fucking other people. I know these relationships go a lot deeper than just sex, so why don't we start acting like it? Every relationship involves emotion to some degree. Take responsibility if you've upset someone, or fall through or what have you. Fuck this shit, im sick of everyone hiding and being unresponsive. I do it too but it sucks!!! Fuck you Honestly its not natural to the human species to mate lifelong with only one person. But since we are the conscious ones, we can choose to do this and it can be healthy. How do I know it's not natural? LOOK AROUND YOU. HOW MANY OF YOUR FRIENDS ARE STILL WITH THE FIRST PERSON THEY FUCKED?? Its up to everyone on an individual basis to decide their preferences. This means some people will choose monogamous relationships, and others will choose polyamorous relationships, and that's fine!!!! I want everyone to remember to BE FUCKING HONEST and to not get scared of the feeling of wanting to hide. If you're scared to be upfront about your relationships, you're scared that you're breaking a rule. Fuck it. You have to give people the freedom to choose BASED ON TRUTH and if they don't fuck with your lifestyle choices, FUCKING LET IT GO because there are so many other people just like you, I know it. I can't help it. No one is paying attention to me. I want this to change....I'm always thinking about Jonathan. Its a funny feeling, its unfolding, its different than before. I guess he's not the same as I thought, but also, he's exactly how I thought. I still want a relationship that's a partnership with someone. I can't just fuck everyone who I think I'm falling in love with. This year I have had sex with 6 people. And I don't have sex that often, but when I want it I go for it. Honestly I'm so depressed sometimes that I do it just to feel someone. Ugh. I always end up feeling sad. I really need to change my attitude towards this. Jonathan has soul connections with a lot of people..I'm jealous I feel so alone by comparison...I feel like he has all this soul family and so he's safe and he always has someone to message but I don't feel like that..I've always resorted to isolation, I've always isolated myself.. I don't feel so good. I wish someone wanted to be with me enough to actually pursue me. And be persistent about it. That's what makes me the most sad...nobody wants to be with me...I have to chase everyone around...help i want to die I want to cry I have to start by reaching out to other people. If my symptom is feeling lonely, the root of my illness must be being alone. Emotionally stranded. I feel like no one looks at things the same way as me, no one resents fluoride and refined salt, no one gets stunned and paralyzed by visions. I'm slowly meeting people like me. The antidote is at my feet. I'm sick girl I'm a sick girl. I want a relationship that is a partnership with someone. I'm so sick of this touch and go style of dating. I'm so sad....why is it so easy for people to just drop each other. I never forgave Michael for dropping me. Even though we were together for a few months this year, i never forgave him. I'm tired from the sugar I just ate. I want to kill myself and eat poison. But I have to keep holding on.. Ugh why.. I should just give up..I should just leave and throw myself down on the ground in the middle of a far away highway. I should kill myself. Nobody wants to be with me enough to persue me. Nobody wants to come to me. They only want something easy. Ill kill myself so they have a taste of what's to come, the drowning and ice caps melting, the violence, the language that changes too fast for you to keep up. Ill kill myself and then ill finally have everyone's attention. I'm lying to myself every day. I don't want this I just want to die. * I have an idea of the relationship i want. I want it. I want to sleep in their bed 4 times a week and hold hands and watch Netflix. I want to feel like I can rely on them, I want to make art and music with them. Why does Dustin have to drink and do coke? Am I going to keep acting like I'm okay with it? I mean...I am except for when I want to kiss them or cuddle them. Its like my standards are higher for romantic partners. Ew. We had such awkward sex. It would be funny if it wasn't so painful. I cried after because of my piercing loneliness. Shit, i can't keep going on like this. I have stated the problem many times and I am not moving towards any solution. IM FUCKING LONELY AS FUCK. I'm used to being alone because I had severe anxiety and it was the way I chose to cope but now it's getting old and Honeslty, I wanna live in a big house with lots of friends. I fucking cried. Nobody wants me. I have to go out hunting when I'm hungry. I wish he would do it for me But its not him either? His relationship is still digging into his sides and he doesn't eat enough. He's 28.. Fuck this Please I want to die * If this is inertia then what does passion feel like? * Cover songs to review Los Ageless New York The very thought of you Lover man I love you porgy Rehab You go to my head * Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy oh my god why. What the Fuck. I was supposed to be a boundary shattering supermodel by now. Down. I'm so jealous. Why is he like this? I have to...I want someone to pay attention to only me! I want Jonathan's attention I'm disgusted with myself. After this show on Sunday I hope I don't hear from them anymore There's no room for the poetry roses because I'm a recluse I have no room for poetry I miss Ariel even though it wasn't that great. I don't know. Maybe I'm just starved for love. Smoke a lot of weed. Maybe I'm just starved for affection, I dont know I know exactly what He's a same part of this stupid hierarchy I hate that I want to be on top of. This is compounded. The music industry. But I have that feeling in my heart and my hips. Touch me. Hold me. God I'm so lonely Fuck this shit. I will proudly be the opening act. I wanna see everyone squirm. What is it past your office hours? Ariel He is bad news It would be so easy for him to hook in everywhere I'm weak. My sexuality. I don't have room for sex and poetry, I'm a recluse, bound to fantasy, and sustained by fantasy Maybe the poetry is what I needed I feel like he looks at me and sees a fantasy but he can't be in denial of who I really am. I'm quiet. I'm not the next big thing, I just wanna play music, I'm not the next big thing, and if I was I would have much better material to present to the public. I want to play in a dive bar jazz band. I want to feel everything and be psychic. Not the next big thing today, maybe not ever. Its up to me. Why am I so stupid when I talk to them sometimes? Its like I start highlighting my insecurities which is probably the opposite of what a functioning person would do But honestly, honestly don't get anywhere near me if you ignore and disown insecurity. Think of all the people on anti anxiety meds. So its like, I have this twisted wall of thoughts up against the world. Because I'm trying to hold in my ideas about myself I feel like he looks at me with dissspointmment and resentment before ive even done anything. I don't like that.  * December 18th 2017 5:43 Am I can't initiate conversation with you, and I think I want to, but I cant, and it hurts, and I imagine you with other girls, and that hurts. Every time I see you even talk to another girl it makes me go crazy I don't want to feel this way. The feeling in my chest is going to fade away This feeling in my pelvis is going to transform me I have no choice * Tuesday set list The very thought of you If I ain't got you I fall in love too easily On the sunny side of the street * Allegra Allegria You can't use him If you liked my drawing, maybe I can read to you from my diary Maybe you'd like that too Hey I love you I can have him too I'm his favorite Full of doubt Pouch Pout Cryiing for someone to hear out out My music Cool Hey I love you too Pouch Famous Pain Passion Raindrops Dog shit Lately I Can't get enough of life * Ariel I'm gonna let my phone die. Im always gonna remember you for the okay sex and the way my heart melts when you smile. I'm always gonna remember your eyes and wonder why I even think about you, and why thinking about you pulls at my heart strings, ever since... The first date Rushing Realiziing that more than sex or status i want emotional connection and support, and loving intimacy, and for someone to see into me and take care of me Why? What's this rush of feeling? I'm addicted to the city. I want to leave. But not yet................... Maybe I can....maybe it's just once.  Why does this idea give me a burning feeling in my groin. I want you to take care of me It was the time a while ago you were waiting For me to make a move but i was waiting To write a hit song so I could be on my own Perpetually dizzy and in love with everything I'm well meaning but confused I'm not from here * Fuck you. Well meaning slob pulsing in my hatred artery in my pussy Fuck you bitch