#like im sitting here in an anxious knot this week bc i cant make all my goals move fast enough and i pull a card and it's just like

[musclegoth]

i love when i go to do tarot just randomly without taking it very seriously and then its just so fucking accurate every time

#like im sitting here in an anxious knot this week bc i cant make all my goals move fast enough and i pull a card and it's just like #'some things take time and cant be rushed' #and its just like u know what girl. ur right that is so true #also! i pulled one of my favorite cards tonight in my 2nd reading #i rarely ever pull that one so it felt like a good omen #a little nod of like: just be urself. ur ok

[matthew-eleventhirty]

its been a while since ive been on here to truly discuss my feelings and i definitely do not want to reread all the things i wrote down just yet i feel as though that wound is just not yet healed. but looking back at the past six months, this is what ive concluded/experienced:

he made me so gut-wrenchingly nervous and anxious and upset and depressed so much so that the second i feel slighlty overwhelmed im curled over vomitting my brains out. i would walk upstairs and have to run to the toilet. i would walk fast to catch up with my friends and i had to keep swallowing my vomit. heard his name, possibly saw him, james tells me something new.. vomit. and that is still going.. less but still.

i lost my appetite i would eat maybe a handful of crackers and a day and only drink coffee. it was a proud moment to finish half my sandwich, but thats not all the time. i look skinny bc of these two things but i dont feel strong, but i also cant help it. i try to eat more i feel nauseous and have to sit down. but on the bright side i lost like 27 pounds. i fit into my old clothes! 

billys mother has gotten involved with 3 altercations ive had about my ex. but my ex wasnt involved. when he refused to send back my stuff, ignore me when i asked for it back, then post a picture with his new girl, i had to get involved i needed my stuff back. i called his mother and as politely as possible bc i had a knot in my stomach i asked for my stuff. but at the same time this is going on my friends are having their way with him but i couldnt really take notice because i was at work. so im sitting afterwards reading what theyre saying and deal with it on top of everything else i just went through. but i guess my work wasnt done because a week later i get a text from his mom saying my friends wont stop blowing up his phone when none of my friends were even texting him? but couldnt a 20 year old boy deal with that? couldnt someone you trusted be able to reach out to you? but that still didnt end because he decided to text me saying “since i was so kinnd as to give you your stuff back...” first off nno you werent, your mother was. “i figured you would send me my stuff back, but since you havent” and thats kind where i really laughed to myself because this mothafucka expected me to just give back his stuff? like no ask for it, im not your slave anymore. i dont cater to you. you want it, step up and tell me whats up? but i didnt answer because i had playoff tickets and was a lil busy. but then the next morning im at work and guess whos number? billys mom. this kid for real couldnt wait one day without getting his mother involved when i waited a full 2 months for the things i bought so i could be ready to go out with you at a moments notice. it just makes me laugh, like how could i have been so dumb as to date a guy liek tthat.

and lastly the reason why i was making this post was to say that, i think i am a beautiful smart wise fun goofy carefree lil messy but that makes things interesting and i really value the things in life people tend to take for granted. i like the root of things not always the part that everyone sees. i think im geniune, i will tell you things honestly because whats the point in lying? and im not apologizing for the truth. but i feel as though ive grown so much from this experince, i know my self worth better now, i can see mistakes ive made before try to happen again and i can see it a lot easier. i want to have fun and make memories and just enjoy my life again. i think after hanging around with chris and friday that i can finally you know move on and just fully enjoy being me and not thinking about vomitting when anyone mentions anything to me. im gorgeous when i try, im smart but im not as quick as i should be, im a fun time to be around, i can be useful. hard when youre surrounded by a bunch of brilliant people, but they push me to do better and i love them.