#like this is such a huge motivation for me to go online and post again😭😭

[vorpalfae]

Trigger Warning: Rare Illness/Health Issues [wasn't sure if this need a tw but these topics make some ppl uncomfy so i wanted to be considerate anyway💜]

so a lot of ppl have been asking me why i don't post pics anymore or why i have barely been on social media compared to how i used to be. and the reason is i've been having severe health issues for a very long time. i can't even remember the last time i went more than a month without feeling nauseous, or actually throwing up, or just having headaches and stomach pain that are so bad i can barely tolerate them.

i've known for a while that i have gastritis, but my mom & my bf convinced me to go to a new doctor for a second opinion. after months & months of pure agony and feeling exhausted and sick to the point where i have no energy, i finally know why. i went to a specialist and discovered i have a rare illness called CVS (Cyclic vomiting syndrome). and i also am lactose intolerant which was amplifying my symptoms because i eat dairy products constantly.

i am going to be starting treatment for it and i really hope it improves my life and my ability to function because i am so tired of "living" like this. just existing has been exhausting and painful. i literally haven't been able to accomplish any of the goals i have because i can't go more than a few days without feeling horrible.

i already feel useless because i'm autistic and i have bipolar 1 and i'm waiting on disability payments to come through because i am unable to work with my disabilities. so my bf has been working and doing his best to take care of me and our kids. i just feel so horrible and guilty all the time. and i genuinely didn't know why i feel sick 24/7. all i want is to feel like myself again. and to do all the things i miss doing. i feel like i'm trapped by this illness.

i'm grateful to have answers and know what i'm dealing with finally. but after suffering like this almost every single day for so long its so hard to feel hopeful for the future at this point. i'm literally in tears as i type this. its just been really bad. i never do my makeup anymore or feel good about myself. i can barely move sometimes because the pain in my stomach is so bad or i get pain in my throat from vomiting for hours at a time, and then i get MORE pain from dry heaving due to not being able to hold down any food. and then i get random migraines and headaches that last all day as a result of all of that. its taking a huge toll on my body and my mental health. my depression gets worse during the winter season so when this started getting really bad it just made my mental health a million times worse. its literal hell.

but yeah thats why i haven't been online. real life is hard enough and i haven't been motivated to post because of the hell i'm going through or a lot of the time i physically CAN'T make content. but i'm going to keep trying. i'm going to do every fucking thing my doctors tell me to do because im so fed up with suffering. i promise that i will make content again and post the things i create and other stuff i used to post about before i stopped being able to function. as soon as i start to feel semi normal or at least well enough to do daily activities and complete even small goals, i will post about it. i'll keep u guys updated.

i appreciate every single person who follows me and my content, and all the ppl who keep checking up on me and wondering where the fuck i went. i love you guys so much💜 and i'm so sorry to all the ppl who haven't heard from me. if i can gain at least a little bit of my physical strength and health back, i will be so happy. i also am trying to get vitamins prescribed to me because im severely lacking nutrients but they are so expensive and i can't afford them out of pocket until i get my disability money. i'm also anemic and have to start taking iron supplements again. i'm just a giant ball of health issues😭 its actually ridiculous how bad my health has been. but i'm a mom and for that reason i will never stop trying. i will do whatever it takes to get better. i don't think my health could get much worse than it is currently. hopefully i didn't just jinx myself by saying that😭

sorry for the super long explanation, i just have sooo many messages in my inbox and questions that you guys send me that i haven't answered. i don't want to leave u in the dark. the connections i've made on this silly little blog mean the world to me. and everything i've been going through has been so hard to explain. but since i recently got a REAL answer as to why i'm suffering so much, i felt it was a good time to let you guys know what is going on with me. like i said, when i am able to feel somewhat normal again i will post consistently and re-open my shop too! it sucks so bad having a passion for creating but being too sick to even get out of bed other than to get sick in the bathroom. i've been to the emergency room more times this month than i have in the last 4 years. if i can overcome this awfulness i will not take it for granted. i will work harder than i ever have to create and share it with the world. but for now i just have to sit back and do whatever my doctors tell me to do and hope to god that it helps me 😞

#kh

[crystallinestars]

Regarding your post mentioning Genshin burnout, recently I kind of felt it as well ! The only saving grace for me was Scara's banner, I finally managed to get him on Tuesday after pining for him during the past few months. So I guess I kind of have more motivation to play now? Esp to build him along w his team (Layla and Faruzan also popped up in my rolls :D). But after I've built them sufficiently, I might lose motivation again ...

And I saw you mention toxicity on online platforms, this is so real (for both Genshin and HSR) 😭 Like I was scrolling on Reddit yesterday and I saw a hella cute AvenPaz family artwork. It was then reposted on another subreddit (It's kinda meme-y community) and OMG they were being so rude ... Like they legit seemed so pressed seeing Aventurine in a non-BL ship. They were going "ohhh the str8s are at it again," (they used a more obscene term that I won't name) and I was thinking: so my bi self is apparently mega straight now just because I like NL stuff, huh 🤨🤨 I had to unsubscribe, like I loved seeing the funny edit pics from this subreddit but whenever they see a NL ship (or even a hint that a male playable character could be with girl) they just absolutely become so rude... I guess it could have been worse (like straight up brigading the artist) but the negativity was so so off-putting. Ofc we could all have our own preferences but whyyy feel the need to become so insulting when they see something they don't like.

Big big sorry for longggg negative vibes rant 😭 Ngl I'm also super tempted to go off about the treatment of a certain architect by the hands of both Mihoyo and a huge chunk of Genshin fandom, but if it is too uncomfy for you then I will refrain. ^^ I don't want to disrespect your blog !

Tbh though it is comforting to know that there are at least other Genshin likers (esp girls) who have similar sentiments regarding BL and our favorite architect ahahah...

Congrats on pulling Scara!!! He’s so much fun and a godsend in exploration. Seems you already have a good team for him (I use Layla and Faruzan with him too 😄)! May he grow big and strong haha.

If you lose motivation to play again, well… don’t play! Do something else you find fun! Life is too short to dedicate all your free time to a single game.

Honestly, the entirety of the Hoyoverse fandom is quite toxic. The only game that’s exempt from it, to my knowledge, is Tears of Themis.

Reddit is definitely up there with Twitter for being the most toxic platform in the fandom (I’m guessing TikTok and Instagram too, but I’ve never been on these sites). The BG/NL ship bashing is incredibly common, unfortunately. Really can’t enjoy anything NL on there. Really, why can’t they leave the things they don’t like alone and just move on? Why be so rude? 😔

I used to be a part of AlhaithamMains and things were mostly chill at first, but over time it became a haikaveh mains. Anyone who requested for there to be a separate sub for the ship was berated, and posts politely saying they didn’t see Kaveh and Alhaitham in a romantic light were rife with hateful and aggressive comments. I remember someone posted Kavehlumi art in KavehMains, and one person had the audacity to comment that Kaveh actually belongs to Alhaitham. And these types of comments were EVERYWHERE, under every NL ship post.

I took one peek into AventurineMains, saw the very first post talk about how Ratiorine is implied in the 2.0 quest, and noped out of there. Not surprised the same fate befell Aventurine 😔

So yes, Reddit is full of awful, loud people that ruin the fun for anyone who doesn’t ship the popular ship. You were right to leave. I left a long time ago and have been so much happier because of it. It’s unfortunate you have can’t enjoy a lot of things now, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to protect your mental health.

If you want to go off and rant about how Kaveh gets treated, please do! God knows I have my own gripes about it, so it’s really nice to know I’m not the only one troubled by it. Plus, I love it when people share their complaints with me, so don’t worry about being too negative.

Trust me, there are quite a few of us girls who love Kaveh but don’t care for BL. We just keep to ourselves and stay quiet to avoid trouble from the toxic shippers.

#Lunaria answers

[sapphire-weapon]

I used to draw for other small/rare ships (apparently I'm drawn to those kind of ships lol), only one of them got huge enough after they were given some time alone in the manga which got the ship more talented and known creators and amazing fan art.

Unfortunately it also got more hate on since it was a ship that "got in the way" of other huge popular ships and going through the tag got annoying bc the haters tagged every post shitting on the previously rare pairing, plus if you reblogged or made content for it they would harass you. I just blocked everyone sending me hate lmao.

Lots of people now hate Leon/Ashley but I think this increased hatred also shows how the haters can see that it is a thing now unlike before. They see it as a real threat. You can see the insecurity in some of those antis, it's too obvious and also just sad imo. I don't get why antis take shipping too seriously like they're not even having fun anymore and that's supposed to be the point, no?

Truth is I've seen so many Leon/Ashley fans online and even irl, Reddit for example loves it and Remake Ashley is a fan favorite now. A lot of them are more casual fans that maybe don't engage that deeply with fanon (which tbh is the smart thing to do).

Finally I have to say your blog and the amazing fic writers have inspired me to go back to drawing fan art and just creating content for Ashley/Leon or EagleOne. :)

Since this is my new otp and the only thing I love shipping rn I'm also just creating a new blog for that purpose. I'm not an amazing artist I'm just an amateur but I'll try to do something soon when I'm less busy. I'll absolutely tag it as EagleOne. Hopefully I can motivate others to do the same.

anon what the fuCK i got all emotional reading this wyd 😭

i know that the antis are coming from a place of insecurity, which is why their arguments are so disingenuous (i finally found the "the devs went out of their way to make sure that leon and ashley weren't seen as romantic" tweet and hoo boy the desperation is stinky) -- and that's also why i don't engage with them. as easy and perhaps fun as it would be to just QRT it and be like "oh it makes sense now, you're all using text to speech because you don't actually know how to read" there's no point in doing that.

i said it a while ago, but i want to say it again for good measure -- i don't want us to become them. my humble goal for eagleone fandom is to be a haven for ppl. we've been the black sheep of this fandom for so long, and aeons are still accusing us of being predators or someshit (idk i'm only semi-fluent in delusional) that i feel like we all have an obligation to stay humble now that capcom's given us a fairy tale version of RE4 where our ship is the front-and-center romance and people are finally actually being drawn to the ship. no one knows how bad this fandom can get better than eagleone folk, so it's on us to not do unto others what has been done unto us.

idk maybe that's just my whole jewish "because you were slaves in egypt..." mindset coming out but

i want us to be a place where people can just come and hang out and make friends over our shared love for resident evil. i know that i have serennedy and cleon and chreon and metaltango people all following me, and i love all of them dearly and i'm happy that we've all found each other. i feel like that's what fandom should be.

that's why i don't fight with aeons out in the open. i don't want to become them. i'll swing back if they ever come here (though i hope valuable lessons were learned the last time someone tried to come in here swinging and i took them out in exactly two responses LMAO), but i don't want to go out picking fights and i don't want any of y'all to do it either.

so it makes me feel really warm and fuzzy and happy to hear that i've inspired you in some way. i know that our little corner of the fandom over here on tumblr is small, and i know that i don't exactly have the kind of welcoming personality that will give me any sort of real platform in this fandom (at least, not like the one i had back in the day when i was a fake ass bitch LMAO), but to know that i've made at least a little difference is everything for me.

#if this ship is to be my legacy #then i would have this ship be the best version of us as RE fans that it can be