#like. idkkkkkkk. I don't even know how to say it without sounding stupid

[neverendingford]

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#being bigender/genderfluid feels kind of like the bisexuality conundrum. like.. just cause I'm one thing today doesn't mean I'm not both #just because I'm guy mode today doesn't mean I can't be girl mode tomorrow. being transfem one day doesn't trap me into a forever of she/her #tag talk #like the bisexuality thing where it's like “just because my current relationship is het doesn't make me any less bi” #(which I don't personally relate to cause I'm very very very gayly into men but it's the closest simile I can think of right now) #I need people to know I'm trans to keep my options open. I need to be visibly genderfuck so that I don't get locked into expectations #because the thing I fear more than death is a cage (wow look at me referencing lotr I'm so cool and smart) #like. I can't get caged into gender. I won't get locked into what people think I should be. #being a trans woman means nothing except what I want it to mean. I refuse to derive my meaning from other's perspective #idk. just thoughts. because being visible to the public eye is stressful sometimes #a guy was talking on the phone at self checkout and was like “I know what a woman sounds like” and I don't think he was talking about me... #but also my paranoia kicked in and I dropped my voice on purpose because being seen as Trying to be a woman is still terrifying #like. idkkkkkkk. I don't even know how to say it without sounding stupid #and also that thing where voicing internalized transphobia directed inwards just makes people think you're being outwardly transphobic #but like. I want to be someone who is. not someone who is trying to be. #this is where I go cheesy validation mode and go “I'm not trying to be a woman i AM a woman” and I get thirteen reddit upvotes or whatever #but like. it's the chronic man-in-a-dress fear. which is both toxic masculinity and also transphobia. #whooo intersectionality ftw I'm experiencing two forms of internalized fucked-up-ness isn't that so cool? #anyway. that one line from All The Shine: I'm not trying to come hard. I'm trying to come me. #I don't wanna be trying for anything extra. the constant accusation of trying to turn yourself into something your not. #as if your true self is this fucking husk of human skin that you've hidden inside your entire life. #I just want the freedom to be myself without all this fucking cultural detritus. this ideological scum that clings to you as you emerge #I just want out from under this massive rock.