#loquitur nico

[brothersonahotelbed]

the coffee i bought from the campus cafe was $2.49 for a medium which is beautiful in comparison to starbucks or other places but now i want another cup and i won't be home till 5 so that means i'd have to spend another $2.49 and if i do then that totals about $5 and well. i don't think i should be making a habit of spending $5 any time i want a little drinky

#thanks for tuning in to math with nico #loquitur

[brothersonahotelbed]

I FORGOR TO EAT TODAY ☠️☠️☠️

#i got so excited by my coffee and playing music i didn't eat. massive nico L #loquitur

[brothersonahotelbed]

my captioning gig wants me dead

#loquitur #NO NEW JOBS?? NO NEW JOBS FOR NICO??

[brothersonahotelbed]

asks in my askbox!! yipeee!!! i will answer them after work <3

#loquitur #just need to prepare myself mentally and physically for this shift #lots of kids + face-melting temperatures = unhappy nico </3

[brothersonahotelbed]

so so scaed right now. i volunteered to present my sociology project first for class on monday, and basically we just have to read the chapter, discuss its key elements, and state how it has a personal connection to us as individuals .. which is fine except the chapter's on culture and a large portion of it is talking about sex-segregated bathrooms & how that affects trans people so essentially i'm going to be coming out to the entirety of my sociology class (15 people) on monday so i can talk about why trans issues are important to me and im NERVOUS (pos. i think)

#absolutely no one is forcing me to do this‚ im *choosing* to do it but ough i am. a little nervous #i already introduced myself as nico in class but some of the other students called me 'she' out loud which makes NO SENSE but. whatever #mutuals can we hold hands im so nervous #loquitur

[brothersonahotelbed]

if i had watched hannibal when i was 15-16 i would definitely have named myself either will or graham

#i don't really look like a will/william but i could pass for a graham #i think i do look like a nico. well i used to anyway. i dont really know what i look like anymore i feel inhuman (negative) most days lol #loquitur

[brothersonahotelbed]

to some extent i am a little grateful that binding hasn't ever worked out for me bc i've learned how to achieve gender euphoria while wearing a bra and skirts and tank tops and even dresses sometimes. idk looking back on things, gender euphoria for me hasn't always been about looking masc & having a flat chest. sure, yes, it's been like that sometimes but. true gender euphoria for me is just looking in the mirror and not being horrified by the natural parts of my body. tits & big thighs and curves andall that shit. i'm not a feminine person by any means but i am happy that i can wear my black titty window corset dress without wanting 2 tear my skin off. and still feeling pretty solid in my gender identity. looking in the mirror and wearing a dress/skirt and being like !! yeah thats me!!! i go by he and they and im trans/nonbinary and my name's nico. AND im wearing a skirt. wearing a skirt or a cool dress or wearing earrings wont ever change the fact that im trans and to me thats so freeing and comforting. i dont feel pressured to wear a fuck ton of layers in order to hide my chest .its so exhausting and uncomfortable for me to bind and wear sweatshirts during the hotter months and dont get me wrong i'll still do that cause sweaters are comfy but. the main point is that i dont feel pressured to conform. ill wear my motherfucking bat dress and i'll look hot and im still nico and im still trans. im still trans no matter what and that feels so good.

#like i said small progress is still progress #i used to be FEARFUL of using my mom's hot pink hairdryer when i got out of the shower bc it was so hyperfeminine or whatever #but none of that matters to me right now #like for the love of god i walked into starbucks chest unbound wearing jeans & a tshirt and not making any effort to pass or look masc etc #and told them to put nico on my cup and no one batted an eye #sometimes (not all the time) but sometimes youre so stuck in your own head that you fail to realize people dont care as much as u think #they do #guess it also helps that starbucks is a fairly inclusive space but like i said. progress!!! #you can rb this if you want idc i just need to post it so i can look back on it :)) #loquitur

[brothersonahotelbed]

made a new acquaintance today at school and panicked and introduced myself as my deadname even though there was nothing preventing me from saying nico i just go tso scaed and now im feel sick!!!

#im digging myself a deep deep hole and idk how to get out of it #going by nico in one class and my nickname in 2 others and my full deadname in another class and i feel nauseous #why is this so hard why cant i just be normal about things why cant i be decisive !!!!!! #eaough. #loquitur

[brothersonahotelbed]

THEY'RE SO GAY . MY FAVORITE FAGOTS IN THE WHOLE WORLD

#loquitur #WILL AND NICO WAAAAAAAHHHHHH

[brothersonahotelbed]

my life is a joke a cruel sick twisted joke

#just found out my english class got cancelled tonight bc my teacher is stepping down #AND FUCKING GUESS WHO'S TAKING OVER THE CLASS. #THAT PETTY ASS HORRIBLE STUPID FUCKING ASSHOLE OF AN ENGLISH TEACHER I HAD LAST SEMESTER WHO MADEM Y LIFE HELL #AND I CANT TRANSFER TO A DIFFERENT CLASS BECAUSE HE TEACHES ALL THE ENGLISH 102 CLASSES ON MY CAMPUS #LIKE ARE YOU FUCKIGNGGGGKIDDING ME #ihat ethis i hate this i hate this i HATE THIS OH MY GOD #he gave me unbearably petty grades on my essays for no reason. 14.75/15 on my final last semester. 12.75/13 on another essay I WORKED SO #HARD ON LIKE ARE YOU KIDDING #he's the one who refused to grade my 8 page essay that i cried and had depression over because it wasn't in a 'complete portfolio' LIKE WHA #BLOOD AND DEATH AND GUTS AND VISCERA AND HORROR #plus i went by my deadname in his class and i feel like when i introduce myself as nico he's going to have a stupid freakout over ti #holy fuck i fucking hate it here oh my god #loquitur

[brothersonahotelbed]

ough found this in my computer., when i drew grank eiro on the back of my psych eval paper 😍

#nico's art #loquitur

[brothersonahotelbed]

i wanted to draw something so scrunkly,,,

#the sketch is inspired by the picture of ash its not supposed to be an exact copy #nico's art #my creatures #loquitur

[brothersonahotelbed]

JUST GOT THE MCR GIRL FROM ENGLISH CLASS'S NUMBER LOVE WINS GAY RIGHTS ETC.

#not in a gay way she's a cishet ally but she's SO nice to me and we talked about the 9/11 to mcr pipeline in class and i told her about #the twilight to vampire money pipeline and she's gonna listen to vampire money :DD #AND THEN WE TALKED ABOUT TRIXIE & KATYA !!!???? #and then she said theres a christmas drag show in december in phoenix and we might go together if its affordable GIRL. #i might come out to her i know she's a safe person to come out to i just dont wanna make things weird by telling her im trans + go by nico #anyway. interesting developments in the studio today !!!! #loquitur

[brothersonahotelbed]

so crazy to me that people actually know of and call me by nico. like that's my name. what the fuck

#in a positive way like. i feel really connected to it and when people call me nico both online & irl it makes me feel so good :)) #loquitur

[brothersonahotelbed]

ough ,, need to deletr my online presence from the entirety of this year

#i hate cultivating friendships that i know wont last and its literally my fault #like. im the one thats never honest w my friends abt how i feel and in the end its just pain for them and me #oough.. bad times in nicos prefrontal cortex :( #loquitur

[brothersonahotelbed]

ordered a binder from mercari so hopefully i can rediscover what gender euphoria feels like again

#was i inspired by gerard's intense state of gender euphoria onstage in the cheer dress? well #basically it's like. my previous 2 binders didn't fit at all and i got really discouraged and then i got a job where i had to use my deadna #which cause me to feel really alienated from my name nico and i generally felt uncomfortable with my entire personhood #but then i quit my job and started college where i go by a nickname and not my deadname and i'm wondering if it'll be okay to go by nico #in my classes #idk. not sure if my teachers are going to do it or not and i'm scared but i don't want to be scared of being trans anymore so. #i bought a secondhand binder!! pray for me #loquitur