#lord can't even call a man ugly on MY blog what's it all for then

[alistairlowes]

You're not being gaslit. Different people have different tastes. If we didn't, the family tree would be a straight line. You're damn near 30 years old. Grow up and move on to people you like.

was it really that serious bff... was it

#flora is this your anon #made one post about the man and acting like i don't do anything else in life but talk about him.. that sounds like your anons #i wanted to reply something funny but i'm just too much in awe #that someone read the word gaslit in that context… and decided it was anything but a shitpost #idk how to tell you but telling me i should ‘move on’ when you’re here… on my blog… in my inbox… over my opinion that i didn’t even tag #also sorry but the age card on tumblr really isn’t as big of a burn as you think it is or i wouldn’t be here in the first place #maybe you grow up tho and don't be on anon like a coward if you plan to call me an old hag okii? #lord can't even call a man ugly on MY blog what's it all for then

[melrod42-blog]

Inspiration

http://www.xxlmag.com/news/2018/05/best-j-cole-storytelling-songs/

Music plays a huge part in my life. I’ve been listening to music since I was a baby. But I didn’t really get into music until I was about 9 years old. At that time my type of music was everywhere, still is now. But, I would prefer hip hop over anything. I’ve got into hip hop because of one artist, J cole. J cole is a rapper that tells stories in his songs. To me, his music is different from others. Most rappers rap about success, drugs , etc. While j cole raps about the real struggles on life. He writes about what happened in his life. Here are top 5 songs that have an amazing story told :

1 : ‘03 Adolescence: This song is featured on 2014 Forest Hills Drive. J cole’s message on this song is not being good enough for someone, not being what someone wants, wanting to be someone else. We’ve all felt this way at least once in our lives. Cole shares this message in his own story. He explains how he wants to live life just like his friend. “Listen you everything I wanna be that’s why I f**k with you so how you looking up to me when I look up to you?” This is makes Cole realize he has it good compared to his friend. In the streets, it either you graduate or stick to the streets and sell drugs to help out your family. Cole’s friend goes through the path of selling drug while cole goes through the path of finishing school. While all his life he wanted to live it just like his friend, Cole finally realizes he’s blessed.

2: Crooked Smile: This song is featured on Born Sinner. Cole makes this song for us, women. We’ve always had those times when we thought we were ugly because of the little things we didn’t like about ourselves. “Love yourself, or nobody will.” “And when I tell you that you're beautiful you can't be sure ‘Cause he don't seem to want you back and it's got you askin' So all you see is what you lackin', not what you packin.” Both of these lyrics share how us women to need start embracing ourselves for the good things not what we think isn’t.

3: Love Yourz: This song is featured on 2014 Forest Hills Drive. Personally this song is one of my favorites, not because of how catchy it is but also because of the meaning. The meaning of this song would truly something that would change you’re meaning of life, the way you are living life. Living as an American means trying to achieve the American Dream. The American Dream gets many people caught up with trying to make a dream into reality. Cole believes the American Dream is to become rich, own a big house, have what they always want, maybe even more. I agree, now a days all we want is to be rich and have everything in life. In the song, Cole gives us an example of this: imagine a man with all of this and even having multiple women. To everyone else, they think he’s happy but deep down he isn’t. He is depressed and despondent. Cole shares this story because he went through this. He chased the “American Dream” but realized at the end he isn’t happy. He shares how the poorest people in his hometown are way more happier, living their life to the fullest with the biggest smile.

4: Intro: This song is also featured on 2014 Forest Hills Drive. This is one of the songs that I can truly relate to. Why? Happiness. As humans, this is one thing that we are struggle with. Cole shares that we all want to be is happy, free. He shares that we just want to be free from all the pain. We don’t want to be hurting as much. “Free from pain, free from scars, free to sing, free from bars.” Not only does he want to be happy and free from pain he also shares how as black people they just want to be living freely, not to be scared to go out and get shot or arrested based on how they look. He also shares how us as humans, we depend on drinking, smoking, popping pills, etc to get our pain off our minds.

5. Neighbors: This song is featured on 4 Your Eyez Only. To end this blog, I want to end it off on something different. On his 4 Your Eyez Only tour he shared his truth about writing this song. This song was about his neighbors that called the police on the dreamville team. The neighbors assumed they were drug lords because they were black and had a nice place and people would come in and out of the house a lot. Little do they know it's a home studio. Anyways, the swat team invaded their home with NO permission and destroyed their home. At the end of it, they found nothing. Cole wrote this song to show how once again they are treated differently because of their color.

[deifillun]

Confession Night 7

I feel like I have simply written a lot about wanting to die without context, to be blunt, and I'm in a semi-open mood at the moment to explain myself to the void of nothing (and probably some weird porn blogs who have decided to follow me despite me trying to keep as low of a profile as possible lmao).

So here we are, a trans person who has come to terms with a couple of things over these past few months:

I ruined the relationship between me and the trans boy I have loved for the longest time. I managed to get into a relationship with him after being best friends for years, only to panic when I realized it wasn't going anywhere because I was always messaging first and trying to set dates up... I was watching him fall into the spiral that a depressed and unmotivated yet talented person can fall into... I felt the anxiety of being with a man that is asexual and.... and I was scared of putting my trust into something so uncertain. I felt unwanted despite being told I was loved and I did not stick it through and that is on me. I messaged him a while back with the suggestion of meeting up because I didn't want to truly end such a sweet and understanding dynamic and hoped to continue to be friends in the scary adult world to see where we go and I didn't get a response back, fair game. This is all on me at the end of the day. I admit that. I just hope he lives a happy life and gets out of the ditch I saw him, I'll call him A, curl up within. I know I will probably never be able to laugh or hang out with A like I used to... go to the arcade and shop like I used to... play games and be able to cry with A like I used to... it makes me wish I never existed.

I realize I have trust issues... after all of that disaster of my break up and the follow up from my friend who's uncle committed suicide, who I'll call M1, this realization all came up at once. I was relied on by M1 a lot... along with all the people caring for M1 but going through me to ask how he was... even now, sometimes, I'd rather be dead than have to see my friend hurt like this, of course, I can't exactly do what his uncle did without just being the biggest jackass. That aside, I just feel used constantly... like I can't trust anyone around me to actually love and care for me. It feels fake.

I realize these trust issues stem from my constant peaking of anxiety levels, which leaves me depressed in a way that no way beautiful, which makes me put off eating and taking care of myself. I have only very recently realized that I have starved myself one too many times and it started in high school, and... I would beg people for food as a joke when I was younger and pretend I overate during school breaks, however, I would never eat properly... and that habit has continued on and only gotten worse now that I am not monitored. M1 constantly reminds me to eat now and wants to help me with my diet, he's a good man and I wish he wasn't so stuck on helping a dead-beat like myself.

My parents are also... worried? They keep badgering me to eat? My mum keeps giving me things recently and telling me I am pretty and that I should eat more... and even my ass of a dad who hit me and told me to my face that he wished I was a boy, only to get pissed and get even more distant when I said I identified as a boy, keeps asking if I like foods when I eat them and tells me he'll buy more.. Jesus Christ it makes me feel like a shit human that my first thought toward the latter is that I feel it's just a facade. Regarding my mum, I keep telling her to not worry about it because she wants me to feel beautiful, I get it, but lord I know I am a fucking ugly human inside and out and I wish her kind heart would just focus on herself.

I know I have a lot of self-hatred because I grew up feeling unloved (that's a whole other story) and the trans ordeal did not help that. Honestly... part of me distanced myself from A because I felt I was only making matters worse for him with my behavior. Even now, I feel like I am making M1's life worse despite what he says considering he apparently has to deal with PTSD of having seen multiple people die in car accidents and suicide in his family and, to make matters worse, has schizophrenia - of all things.

I've been hanging out with another friend more often on Discord, whom I'll call M2, who I thought I was starting to develop feelings for... but I think it was just wishful thinking on my part. He is a sweet guy, but he's straight as a pole and I don't think I am sexually attracted to him? I initially thought it would be nice to talk more because his voice eases me and he does seem to be a really nice guy, however, we don't see eye to eye on certain matters of heart. He is very matter-of-fact and, while he tries to help by offering solutions, he is not exactly able to empathize with me when I need it, I suppose? To put it simply, we're not really on the same wavelength?

I feel like I always have some kind of excuse... honestly, the only time I really feel sexually attracted to someone and feel I could have a working relationship in which I should pursue is when I am talking with a woman. However, I do have earnest feelings for guys? I know I felt romantically for A and I am aware that I can feel infatuation with men, however, I feel a lack of attraction as soon as I realize they may be interested in me or I see a problem with compatibility and I can run while I am ahead because the first thing I think of is 'what if they want sex'? You'd think someone who is legally an adult would be able to figure this shit out.

Anywho, I have my last exam tomorrow so I'm going to try and sleep lol.

Fuck my life and fuck my mentality.

Good night y'all.