#my final impulse before closing out of tumblr.com will decide...but anyways

[jollyviscreal666]

Self inflicted

Length: Short

TRIGGER WARNING: THEMES OF DEPRESSION, SUICIDE, SELF-MUTILATION

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I’ve decided to keep a journal to comfort myself prior to what I’m going through. I’m scared to go out. I’m scared to go anywhere, really. Every feeling feels like intense torment. Everywhere I look, I feel that every solid physical object overwhelms me. The thoughts I have. How they get so bad? I even have days where I’ve wished that I was one of those objects. Some days I resent the thought, but I have nowhere to go. Nowhere to hide. It’s as if my own body shell houses an evil sentimental bomb factory that goes off every second endlessly. Except those explosions aren’t explosions of fire and shrapnel, they’re of evil hellish fear and agony.

There are days when my mind just wants to shut down. And it does. Sometimes I even pass out. I’ve been to the hospital many times. Especially the mental hospitals. But their diagnosis was there was nothing wrong with me. I was perfectly healthy.

The most I’ve held it off was 2 hours. Then it comes back again. Sometimes even worse than before. Sometimes it gets so powerful and unbearable, I feel like scratching my skin off. I’ve tried my best to hide these uncontrollable impulses. Especially in the mental hospitals. It’s not always easy. I even pull my hair out as well. I know it’s wrong to inflict bodily harm, but I can’t control it.

I’ve been trying to cope with it since 2009. It won’t let up. I know that being happy and enjoying myself is so far from reality for me that it’s not even funny, but I can’t have relationships or even friends with my condition. It’s almost as if girls and my family members are altering in some sort of odd way. It seems it’s been forever since I’ve had a good time. I’ve tried thing after thing to demolish it in the beginning. Now that I know it’s likely gonna be there forever, I have to learn to cope and live with it. Nothing seems to help.

I barely go out at all. Seldom do I go out. I’m in my room 98% of the time. My parents even cut a hole near the bottom of my door to pass me what I need to live. When I’m about to go to sleep, I feel what can almost be described as relief. In my sleep I feel no pain. No agony. No discomfort. I dream of what I truly want and what I wish could be true.

I feel as if my life is physically dwindling. In my room, besides looking for opportunities to try to sleep, I stab my pen through holes on paper. Something to try to distract myself. Anything to keep the monster feeling from arriving. The monster feeling is when I begin to feel extremely, unexplainably claustrophobic and completely and utterly alien to the earth and its atmosphere. I feel like I should do anything to get the hell out of earth.

The sun is what disturbs me the most. Its glare brings horrible thoughts, no less than its sole presence. Everyday I think, what if someone was trapped in the sun for an eternity? Their soul to be exact. Or what if their pain level is based on the actual mass and all the properties of the sun itself? What if that was true when taking into account the rest of the suns in the universe?

The trick is to not get lost in thought. Once you are, you’re done for. It’s happened to me an innumerable amount of times. I’ve had urges to amputate my body parts randomly, commit suicide in other variously gruesome ways, and butcher other people. All for no reason. The worse thing I almost did was bury myself alive. Jumping in a giant vat of acid is a close second. And finally, removing my own eyes manually. I still don’t know how I was able to resist it, up to this day!

I keep trying to tell myself that none of it is real. Until my mind finds something else to fuck with. Anything. You name it.

Believe it or not, all of this started off with one simple thought. You see, I was a successful young person. Pretty intelligent, and wise. Not a day went by that I wasn’t happy, until that day that would change the rest of my life forever.

It felt as if my soul had been perished that very moment, and I got the hunch that I would never feel happy or be successful again. I even imagined a grim reaper figure near the classroom clock. I knew that it was going to affect my life negatively, but not like this.

I wrote a note to my mother, telling her to keep these writings in a lockable notebook.

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I’ve got the lockable notebook. Now we can become more acquainted. My mother is sending a mental doctor to come analyze me. That’s the 5th one this week! I’m going to swallow a perfume bottle. That’ll show them how serious I am.

~~

It’s been 8 weeks since the surgery that they’d performed to remove the perfume bottle from my digestive system. Having the damn thing stuck in there hurt like hell. I couldn’t move a muscle without aching in pain. The good thing was that my mind was finally satisfied. It’s been waiting for me to do something like that for awhile prior to the actual surgery.

A week later I went swimming without permission, and I deliberately tore my stitched abdomen open. The pain was indescribable. So much blood.

My parents tried to help me and called the ambulance. They stitched me back up. Before they admitted me to an asylum, I asked if I could see one more thing. That’s when I bolted. Part of me wanted me to go so I wouldn’t be able to hurt myself anymore. But the other part said that my mind would consume itself until I became worse than a vegetable.

I ended up taking bromo dragonfly, the over the top extreme LSD, to see if my overly active mind would be satisfied. I apparently took a lot. My skin and muscles developed craters and soon I lost control of my natural appendix and limb movements. I even asked them to cut my legs off. I told them, they were useless. They also told me it was irrelevant as I am going to die anyway.

My last request is for them to take me off life support. It hurts and I think my mind is satisfied now. Someone came by with flowers. I didn’t recognize them. Anyway, this is the last you’ll be hearing from me. Always remember that your point of view can change the whole universe. I mean that. Just one thought can be incredibly powerful. More powerful than you think. It can change your life and inflict the people around you. Or change their actions and attitudes completely. Everyone is technically effected in this whole realm, right?

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Credits to: http://jollyviscreal666.tumblr.com/