#my phD advisor also did this & it's a symptom of perfectionist personalities who start to teach you but but get stressed bc

[chicago-geniza]

ok! learned an effective phrase for intervening at the inflection point of a frequent miscommunication type w/ parents. will need to insure my belongings for this apartment, which i've never had to do before, since i don't have a lease & am not a legitimate tenant & live in an illegal basement not zoned as housing. i also don't have a credit history, which i've been informed could prove problematic, & my bank will not issue me a credit card because i don't meet their financial criteria. so i asked my mother how to apply for insurance, especially given the credit thing, because i had no idea where to start. & she got that stressed sort of vocal-fry edge in her voice & said "raya, i'm sorry, i can't do this for you, you need to be an adult," & the intervention was: "i am not asking you to do anything FOR me, nor would i expect you to; rather, i am simply asking for INSTRUCTIONS, or even, perhaps, a general description of the process, since you presumably have prior experience with it, & i have no clue where to start. i am asking for guidance, not proxy." it worked!

#she literally always thinks if i ask her a question about how to do something #it means i'm asking her to do it for me & that is absolutely never what I mean or want #it means i never learned how to do the fucking thing & i am asking her to teach me or at least give me a suggestion of #where to go so i can teach myself #my phD advisor also did this & it's a symptom of perfectionist personalities who start to teach you but but get stressed bc #your first attempt might not meet their exacting standards & they get anxious that you will fail so they might as well do it themselves #& then they resent you for being incompetent & incapable & not as independent as you should be lol #so you gotta be like. Stop That. Repetition & Mistakes Are How People Learn