#ok but wgat if I WANT to be?? then what?? just fuck myself????

[solardick]

U I O

Mommy, I’m afraid. I’ve never said mommy before. I don’t want to go. Through another change. I don’t know anyone here. Everyone’s French. I’m always singled out. But- I don’t want to go.

God damned man. Yes, yes I am. Thanks for noticing. It’s rare in fleeting moments to see that from a passing stranger.

Everything is evil. There’s nothing in life for me.

Oh wait. There already is another girl. Lol. Like a transition girl. I liked the way she talked. Redhead. Which was already brought up a couple times. The forst time. I was like what? Why would i care? No whatevwr. Privably druged that coffee today. Hopenit doesnt keep me up all night. Sleep is the onyl time the world stops and there nothing. Intil i opne them again.

Maybe ho bsck to art instead of watching everyone in existsnce pretend to be someone they ate not. No human interaction at all. Since all my availibale social means arent very trustworthy are they.

And honestly. I dotn like redhead dna. Oh my god im - racist. Time ti take anothwr beating.

Naw man, i may look all sexy and manly and all. And i may look all smart and all to everyones spite. But now. Im actually just sma fully receptive woman. I have no cock. Im net here to f@&$. Im here to be fuckd. Learn to enjoy it. 39 years andcoubtibg. It never gonna be different. Buy a couple dildos. And get an anema bag. Shave head to toe. Body hair is a turn off and i want to be a sexy as i can. Make my man. Or men happy. Live a sacrificial life. And not build myself up. Just be fully sexual. No need to connect to anyone. I just need so e dick. With wahte ever they injected me with covid. Choice is mych taken away anyway. And i qant to feel proud of my accomplishments. Even if that means getting them off. I want to be thanked and encouraged. Too bad i cant bear you children. Im baren. Cause indotn have a womb. So inlose anyway. I cant hive that to you. And it makes me sad. They bette rhave huge cocks cause. Your pussy little 6 inch isnt enough. Do ‘t want uou being smallesr than me. That be a turn off. Since thats the onyl part that matter. The rets of it. Is just gross.

Was enjoying the experience of the feminine mentality. In a safe secure way. But then they raped my spyche.

Not like i have any experience being masculine in any other way than object placement. Not allowed to be. Just the destructive, evil side where “instinct” has full control. Sangerous stuff but whatever. I remember how i was. And it sickens my heart. There’s no control. Oh well im just a sick fuck that need to be fucked. Feed the desease. And not the cure. Thats all life has ever done. Sorry if i wanted soemthign different for once. To go with me “being on my own” away from degenerate violent sources coming from inside my own home. And shading everywhere else. I dont want to be alive anymore.

Yup. Ok.

Heres my “ new” identity. Im a total fag.

There going to keep doing this to me for the rest of my life aren’t they.

No, she back. The whole fucken shop is just fucken with me. What’s new? That’s all life is. Since my first memory.

Ill just keep doing wgat im doing until tgey fuck me back onto the street. Then hooefully ill have a rffle by tten that i can suck off until i blow my brains out.

I aint dealing with tjose ficken cocksuckers today. Give me a fuvken written punishment for heing abusef afain. Go for a walk and enjoy the sun.

Well ill have my IHF course completed soon enough. Takes a first step. And it gives me something to look forward to. A way out from being the devil’s bitch. Mmmnn the sun feels nice.

Go and treat myself. Sone lively dialogue with done pretty women. Sunshine. Well noy anymore. Cloudy. Pick up some more things. Wash my own back. It’ll be nice.

I walk in, there she is staring me down again. A guy, who abuses the term sans design or however its spelled. Your coffeees and ice cap or something. Because i carried it from timmy’s not in a thermos. Wasnt hot. Getting cool. Mostly drunk. Talking over and through her standing in between with her back tunerd only slightly showing the front. I pause. “ it will be once i get inside. Dudes hyped on speed getting straight to work while i calculate the sheet. And set up the work station. Already inside loading it up. Ok then. Helped the station beside me. Insulating rhe freezing from getting in. Poorly parked vans. Well im ready now. Lets go to work. Nope. Processing the mind rape games. Was left just standing around waiting. Getting more depressed by the minute. Sitting at the table. Dead. People wanted to see. So then ealked passed trying to be unassuming or whatever. But as soon as i got in and the office and saw me. Depressed. Gave a sigh of disappoitnemt. Like i should be in a good state. Yeah ok. Sure. So i left. I could barely function. I chose suicide.

What you fucken speedo. Getting mad at me cause im fucked. Yeah sure leave. Bye. Ill do the van myself. No? What your back? Who you gonna be positive and try and display a healthy bond. Ok. Thats cool. We can do that. But no. I was just left standing around. While not knowing the details about wtf? Crates? What you tlaking about. Ok ill just stand arounf for the next hour.

When it is enough, man. Or was i just born to be tossed around and damaged? 39 fucken years and counting.

Your nothing but a bad influence. Your nineties punk rock mentality. Negative associations to everything. Giving none smokers nicotine. Bitching about your cowerkers stupid bs. And then give them cigarettes. Your first approach to me was handing me a speed pill. I was flabergasted at what the fuck your were trying to do. Fist bump? Ok. No? What? Hand shake? Wtf? Ok. Oh your giving me somethign. Oh its drugs. Ok. Maybe one day if i ever needed it. Its cool that you chauffer me around. Even though i always insist that you didn’t. Thanks for the shit. Though. Its cool to have some furniture. And im polite and social with uou. But i dont like you.

Ill work with the dipshit. If he wasnt talkign about cocks and gay shit. Be militant.

There sidetracking accomplished. Stay the fuck away from everyone. Keep doing it till they toss you back int the sea again. You’d think that after all these years. Youd be a good swimmer. Naw. Inwas never a good swimmer. Its one of the only things i ever did poorly at. And and guitar. Lyricsl notes are beyond me.

And they’re never going to stop fucken with you. It’s for life. Born in hell. Tortured all the way through. Parent just equal violence. Brothers just equal violence. I apparently just equal sex. Theres no parents there. Just a fool for a father. Childlike. Being the youngest of a sized family. Temper tantrums and absence. Or stupid jokes. Like im a still baby. Mother is unstable. Freaking the fuck out in fits of bs. Never known a stable things. Homes, schools, jobs. Threats. Always threats. Growing in an oppression. Keep things to myself. The external always. Its always. I yeah. Nursery rhymes are olaying. You auto corrected to olaying.

[ethicallysourcedhumanmeat]

Ok so I have like an hour before i board my last flight I'll make my fansign post

i couldn't get photos of Hyunsuk or Jinyoung since theh aleays had people in front of them, Yonghee interacted with us a lot but NYC was so quiet compared to the clips from the other fansigns. Ewan and I made a couple famsign friends and pur group just chatting was louder than and thing and we kept getting caught like cussing lmao

we lucked out a pulled 68/69 so we went up together bassically, just after the boys took a quick break.

When Hyunsuk came back he had tissues and he was visibly tired, his nose was running.

He was really sweet I wanted to ask him if he was ok but I kind of froze and he just talked, he asked me if i was nervous, told me not to be. He said he liked my hair and we agreed that blue is the best color, I embarassed myself by showing him my tattoo (a little too much upper boob maybe my brain shut completely off RIP) he joked about the picture he was signing and said he'd draw me a tattoo, drew a bunny, and then said it was me 😭😭

as an aside Ewan did try to ask him if he was ok, but staff were kinda rude about it, he said he was and ewan told him he didn't have to talk and to take a break during there time (which he did thankfully bc i dropped the ball)

Jinyoung said my hair was pretty, and he asked me how cold canada was, when ewan was with hyunsuk i could feel then stressing out so i like patted their arm and Jinyoung was like invested in how we knew each other which was v cute, i think he called me pretty too and he really liked that my name was just AJ lol

Byunggon immediately asked what my favorite song was and we talked about Bystander's vibe, and i forgot everything I wanted to say to him bc he kept getting like really close to my face, like he would lean in low and close and i was like oh know sir i am in love with you, you cant do that! He also like my name and my hair

Seunghun also was a big talker he asked if I ate and wgat I ate and did i see the sushi place nearby did i think it looked good, when i asked if he'd eaten he made a non-committal noise 😐🙃 he like yelled I love you at me when i moved on to Yonghee

Yonghee, lmao, god. My time with him was funny we talked about food (he was alone during my time with hun and listening), he said hevreally liked American meat, we talked about canada, he said my hair was pretty and my name was cool (i think they were all relieved my name was easy) and he asked about canada and i joked that no one ever comes to Canada and he said they'd come to Canada next time (liar lol)

BUT when ewan was with him he signed a page normally and they asked him to draw whatever he wanted so he drew this like horrible onion child told them it was their baby, and wrote thank you mommy by it, and they think he called them mommy to their face, I have been losing my fucking mind, like kim yonghee what fucking possessed you in that moment i need to know.

I'll make another post abput the concert bc we're boarding soon but kohai rushed us through the group photo afterwards we wanted to wish jinyoung happy birthday and maybe say hi but it was like, sit diwn snap snap get out. However when we walked around the corner and the boys all said hi Hyunsuk seemed like he remembered us he did a little like dbl take and waved specifically at us, so like that was nice

yonghee and hyunsuk were the easiest to talk to, they really kept the conversation going, everyonevwas really sweet and kind and none of them were hard to talk to hyunsuk and Seunghun were probably the best at getting me talking, Byunggon close behind Yonghee was easiest to just talk to which surprised me, Jinyoung was responsive but he seemed most likely to let the conversation luls happen which is fair they got into NYC around the same time as me and they've had no down time