#on November 10th I had a picnic with my friend at the park and someone told me I looked like Taylor swift

[lifewithoutmeds]

october 28th

another few good, solid, relatively calm days.

i’ve been pretty productive at work, producing a lot of volume and also slowly making a dent in the random piles of work that was slowly pushed away when bigger and more time sensitive assignments came through.  it’s nice to file things away or throw them out and sort of follow up to see what came of other things.  so my desk is cleaner than it has been in some time which is psychologically freeing and aesthetically pleasing.  i feel like there had to be some quiet in my mind that’s now manifesting itself.  or a new energy.

anyhoo.  so thursday after work i went to my parents because my mom had asked me to come over and had made some oktoberfest-related food of bratwurst and sauerkraut.  i came and ate some and it was good although i ate significantly less than i would have normally, and also turned down the wine that was offered, to my parents shock.  overall things went ok although i was feeling the familiar irritation and deep anger at my dad that would seep and sometimes snap out of me.

friday.  what did i do friday.  i went to work.  i took a brisk walk in the still warm noon hour.  i got out at 3 and came home and i think took a short nap and then probably tidied some and walked to trader joe’s before showering, flat-ironing my hair, and getting ready to go to the bowling alley.  i was bringing again a few of the fire starters, along with a small caesar salad that i had just procured from trader joe’s hours earlier.  

so i come to the bowling alley around 9:30 and i see her, looking 100% like lana del rey and almost unrecognizable.  i’m trying to figure out if her hair is different or something but i’m realizing that she has one sort of face from a distance, sort of cold and unapproachable, but a completely different one up close, that’s warm and personable.  watching her walk this way and that i was oddly intimidated and wondered how i had ever gotten the gall to talk to her, and i went and sat myself at the bar and ordered my club sodas, and the bartenders received me gladly, now recognizing me as a regular.

she seems upset and/or distracted, and is bending over a lot and messing around with some wires so i don’t approach her for some time, then eventually i make my way over, say something like, “any way you can play some Not shitty music?” and we say our hellos.  i ask if she’s had dinner and she seems to not understand me and when she says she’s not hungry i sort of awkwardly pull out the salad and sort of gesture that i guess i’ll just throw this in the trashcan then and she laughs and says she’ll be there a while and that she was genuinely touched that i’d bring her dinner.  i also point out the fire starters and say something like, “oh i made these, so you can throw these in your trunk...” and we both kind of finish the sentence with “and add it to your firewood.”

then she says she needs to go work and rile up the establishment or something so i head to the bar, smiley, and sipping my club soda, but something happens while i watch her walk around and sort of talk in her husky voice and be flirtatious and seductive with everyone.  i realize that she’s .... i don’t know.  disingenuous?  just doing her job?  that she might be lala part two.  that she’s just really good at her job and i’m just like some stupid naive pawn that falls for it and goes gaga over the tiniest bit of attention.  and i see her just sort of charming her way through crowds, providing witty commentary, calling people “beautiful” and just ... i dunno, being flirtatious it seemed?  with damned near everybody?  and i don’t know maybe i felt ... like less special?  a tad jealous?  really hard to say but i had some feelings that were not good and i got a touch melancholy.  afterward she came over and chatted with me a bit and i said something like, she’s very good at what she does, and she told me a bit about how she had had some good sleep and had some energy and that back in denver when her partner would go out on smoking breaks she’d do the charleston on picnic tables, and i imagined that, that sort of lively, dancing, Lana Del Rey youth, and it made me a bit wistful as i thought of my own college days of being depressed and drinking cheap wine as self-medicating, and i felt kind of sorry for my lame ass and kind of ... i don’t know, i just felt that we were hugely different, and i sort of didn’t say much and the silence sort of hung between us and after a sort of awkward few seconds she walked back to the DJ table and didn’t come back.

so i sat for some time sipping my damned club sodas and she’d occasionally announce a birthday or anniversary or drink specials, and i figured i should just let her do her job and not be up in her space all the time but after maybe 20 minutes of that i was like, wait, WTF am i doing?  i’m at a bowling alley bar, drinking club sodas, occasionally glancing at this gorgeous DJ, to what end?  like what the hell am i really doing?  i’m not eating, i’m not drinking, i’m not talking with friends, i’m just being this creepy stalker drinking club sodas and pining after someone who is forced, who is contractually obligated to be in that space, and i felt invasive and disruptive and i decided to leave.  i also had to go to the bathroom.

so i ask for the bill, and the bartender charges me for just one club soda though i’ve had multiple refills, and i’m thinking maybe she feels sorry for me, and sees through me, and i say my good night, and then i walk over to the DJ and say hey i’m heading out, and as i was walking there i noticed she had been putting something down while smiling and i had figured it was her phone and some wonderful text she had just gotten, but it’s really the fire starters in the bag and she seems really appreciative and says something like, i can’t believe you got these for me.  and i sort of just shrug and nod and then she stretches her arms out really wide as if to hug me and i sort of awkwardly attempt a side hug but she kind of brings me in to a full hug and i feel our bodies press together for a second and it is nice and then she lets go and i sort of i dunno, back away, nod?  i don’t know.  and then i turn as if to leave and then sort of come back and tentatively ask if she’d be interested in getting a foot massage at a Chinese Medical Spa in pasadena, and she says sure, and we agree to november 10th at 7:30 and i almost say “it’s a date” but i don’t and then i watch her type stuff into her phone and then i kind of mumble, “am i meeting you there?” and she nods, and then i finally leave.

so i go home, still feeling a touch melancholic but also kind of elated.  we’re hanging out!  outside of the bowling alley!  and she’ll get to experience Ming or his wife and their marvelous massage miracle!  and we’ll talk before and after!  and in the 20-30 minutes between the massage and her work starting, we can maybe get coffee or a snack!  it’s like, progress!  so much progress!  but also like, why did i get so damned depressed and i missed out on an opportunity and if i had just not been such a debbie downer i could’ve asked her about instagram or Facebook or something.  so it also feels like some opportunities lost.  but oh well.  we have a plan!  that involves us!  very excited.

saturday i was productive AF.

i started by waking up early, having some bulletproof coffee and playing some puzzle fighter since it was too early to do anything, then washing the dishes, cleaning my shower head with vinegar, wiping down some of my mirrors, cleaning out the back of my car, and loading up all the paint cans, then driving them over to the hazardous waste dump site, then to sprouts for some Essential water for xi, then to xi’s place where together we made eggs and toast with avocados and i made my coffee and we chatted and i came out to her husband and we talked about my issues with it and my conflicts with my religion, etc etc. and we had a nice time and i left around noon.

then i came home, organized some camping stuff and threw out the window treatments and various trash bits that were in the garage since i didn't pull my car in so i had time to move around, then headed over to my therapists for a 2:00 appointment and we had a pretty nice hour long chat and confirmed that we had a lot to talk about.

then came home, cleaned some, made and cooked some dinner, studied for like 30-40 minutes, then took a walk to the local park then came back for a quick shower, then received my new Eufy robot vacuum so read up on that and tested it out before returning it to the charging station, texted with lanz and gk a bit, and now am writing.  so all in all, a very productive day.

lanz says she’s coming over with the baby soon so good thing the place is relatively clean.

i still feel pretty calm and cool and collected.  certainly not as crazed as before. and i’m just pleased to be in the DJ’s company, whatever comes of it.  i should probably not go to the bowling alley as often as i have been, but i think bringing the salad and the fire starters was a good way to show genuine interest and hopefully it will lead to more interactions outside of the immediate parameters of the bowling alley.  so pretty excited about the massage thing, although i should’ve asked for her number in case she needed to cancel or anything, as she has no real way of communicating that to me.  oh well.

tomorrow is sunday.  i hope to get in a good walk/short jog in the morning, shower, meet up with gk for lunch and then go to church in the afternoon.  maybe get some cleaning in too.  always cleaning these days.