#she was a closeted lesbian with undiagnosed bpd - and I'm applying that from like age 8 to her eventual 20s - but it doesn't change things

[lord-radish]

There's this post I keep trying to write about listening to the mountain goats at work but it comes down to it being the only music I would feel comfortable being "caught" listening to. And that opens up a whole can of worms about where that comes from, which you wouldn't necessarily think - like usually it's like "ahaha I wouldn't be caught dead listening to this" - but it's most of my music taste and I managed to realise where it comes from.

My sister would put me down and belittle me for things like that. Like we used to play a lot of SingStar 80's, but there was one time - like legit the only time in years of us owning the game - where I went to sing "I Want to Know What Love Is" by Foreigner, and she teased me by saying "hahaha, [mallard] wants to know what love is!" and making me feel really embarrassed and shitty for just wanting to play that part of the game.

And that was how she approached pretty much anything that would make me look vulnerable. Like the reason I had never tried to play that song before is because it was something I thought she'd pick on me for, which she then eventually did. She mocked me for YouTube videos I watched sometimes, or for crying at a movie one time. She even managed to turn me saying that I was reading into some weird, gross jeer about how I said I was "breeding", like what the fuck right?

So if I'm at work by myself and I can put some music on, I put the Mountain Goats on because if someone walked in, I would feel less ashamed being caught listening to that than most of my music library. And I like the Mountain Goats, but I hate that I can't let go of that shame or insecurity because it's too much to deal with. That embarrassment is amplified by the thought of being judged as harshly as I have been for my interests and behaviours in the past.

#messyposting #there are times where I've said and done some fucked up things but my entire childhood was enveloped by being bullied #i was bullied at school and then I was bullied at home. and she would go 'i protected you from bullies!' #and to her credit she did protect me a few times. she probably protected me plenty of times I didn't know about #but it doesn't excuse the constant mockery and shame. it doesn't excuse her ruining one of my new years by choking me #it was for like two seconds but it shocked me to the point of silence. which was the point because my excitement got on her nerves #she was a closeted lesbian with undiagnosed bpd - and I'm applying that from like age 8 to her eventual 20s - but it doesn't change things #i feel sorry for her hardships but the treatment I got at home was scarring and horrible #she's not the only source of that - we have a mutual dislike of our mother's partner - but she's a huge factor in it #and she *still* makes fun of me and laughs it off as 'you'd do the same to me' #like no I fucking wouldn't. i grew up #I'm cutting her out of my life. I just am #I used to spend entire days just consumed by these thoughts of fending away my former best friend #as he tries to rationalise his way back into my life against my wishes #lately I've been thinking of telling my sister off and cutting her out of my life #refusing to let her see my home and just screaming at her to stay out of my life #literally all of this started with a Tumblr post about how the mountain goats are a good band to listen to at work. at least to yourself #it was like 'tmg are the only band I like to listen to at work' and I was gonna break down why. and then it hit me why #yeah that's the repressed shame that comes from a lifetime of bullying and being put down and othered all the time #most of all from someone at home because you have no escape