#somehow it doesnt make it any easier. it's just another day of the 300-something days i have left when someone abuses me psychologically

[theforgottendaydreamer]

knowing im going to die very young somehow doesnt make the psychological violence any easier to bear

#like ik i wont have to carry this for a long time but at the same time i know that id live longer if noone had abused me psychologically #some of us dont heal and it's ok. im not even like pre-mourning or anything. nobody is #some of cant heal even if they try. some dont try. it's all ok #i feel like this is probably my last autumn ever and i realise that if i were in a better headspace id do so many things #but i've chosen not to carry on with this life and the girl who was recently euthanized since she wanted to inspired me #obv i dont have money so im going to probably just do the good old jump and drown #it doesnt even scare me. i dont even care. if it did i wouldve picked a different option lol #but it's been months since i've decided that these are going to be my last 12 months. 10 now actually #i thought it was going yo get easier but its not. im just waiting #if i had a terminal disease it'd all be easier bc at least it's visible #but my disease is indeed going to terminate me and that disease is called depression #somehow it doesnt make it any easier. it's just another day of the 300-something days i have left when someone abuses me psychologically #like it's a count down at most #i dont even have a bucket list or anything. maybe being told they're sorry but skydiving is easier #i have always known i was going to die young. always. since i was like 8. and i wasnt scared. just sad #but sadness is not an active killer. it's silent and slow #also please in the remote case that somebody reads this: dw. im not dying yet. i have one thing to do first and its going to take months