#sorry my sensory issues limit my diet but not liking most fruits or vegetables mean you're a toddler and not deserving of respect I guess | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

troglobite · 7 years

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i know that in general people taking meds are sometimes like ‘god i can’t do this simple brain function on my own’ or whatever. and that generally if the med is otc, that’s not an issue. blah blah blah stigma etc.

and i don’t mean to be like ~wahhh i’m specially in a shitty situation~

but i wanted to include that for context idk why i’m like thinking out loud atm idk

ANYWAY

i can’t eat food without a supplement.

like literally, i can’t even have the world’s smallest snack. i can’t snack anymore. because then the amount of supplement i take would be too much.

and i have to make sure the amount i eat and the amount of supplement i take are in proportion otherwise it’ll be Off and i won’t digest normally.

even DRINKING TEA without a supplement doesn’t work well, and i’m sure as hell not taking a supplement with TEA.

my point being, i can’t eat food. unless i take a capsule or two with the meal.

i also can’t eat food WITH THE CAPSULE(S) unless i take YET ANOTHER supplement like 4-5 times during the day

now i want to emphasize that this is partly because weird digestive issues are A Thing with autism, and i have IBS, but also?

just mainly my anxiety. bad anxiety = bad digestion which = bad anxiety which = worse digestion.

so in order to cut off that cycle, and also just eat food instead of continuing to lose weight without trying (cos oh boy, that’s been FUN.), i take these supplements.

to digest food.

because my body CAN’T.

and before anyone comes at me with ~well just change your diet~

1. i literally have selective eating disorder and sensory processing disorder. WHAT DIET? 2. it LITERALLY DOES NOT MATTER WHAT I EAT. i do NOT eat junk. i eat eggs, fruits, healthy oils, hummus, some vegetables, cheese, and a few carbs, sometimes with something a lil sugary thrown in. this is AN AVERAGE HUMAN DIET. I DON’T EAT TO EXCESS, AND I DO NOT EAT “GARBAGE.” (and i want to emphasize that it’s fine if other people do, and also plenty of ~healthy~ [thin] people eat nothing but “garbage” and you don’t go after them. clearly food is NOT the root of the issue, here.) 3. i have A SHITLOAD of food allergies and sensitivities that i have to eat around. 4. which means i already know that the foods i eat DO NOT upset my stomach more than other foods i COULD be eating. in fact, it’s the other way around. so fuck off.

anyway so i’ve got this current plan to help me not be nauseous 24/7 with my doctor/naturopath/whatever (shit’s working better than what most doctors do, so i mean), but part of that plan is to lesson my anxiety so i stop feeling this way altogether.

.....i’m sorry, what? what?

look, i want my anxiety diminished as much as the next person, but in WHAT WORLD is that going to ACTUALLY happen and just STAY THAT WAY so i don’t have to take a million supplements daily just to be a facsimile of a normal functioning human?

like her proposed solution has been to include certain things (within my limits) in my diet, and for the most part lately, i’ve been including them. been eating a lot of that life-extending-and-improving mediterranean diet, bitch. hell yeah.

and then also to take a b-vitamin complex. which like, sure, i’ll try that (haven’t gotten it yet). and that’s supposed to help curb my anxiety.

but like here’s the thing.

my AWARENESS of my anxiety...is not very good. why? because, like people with chronic pain, you hit a baseline and you’re like ‘i’m good to go!’ but any average person would be like ‘nOPE.’

and like, here’s the thing. i don’t notice my anxiety anymore. i must not! or i wouldn’t constantly need all these supplements because my stomach would CHILL THE FUCK OUT when i’m LITERALLY DOING NOTHING STRENUOUS STRESSFUL OR ANXIETY INDUCING FOR THREE FUCKING DAYS STRAIGHT.

so either that--either my anxiety has reached a point where i don’t notice that i’m literally anxious 24/7--or i have a weird issue where my body 1. produces too much acid bc Anxiety Constantly 2. does not produce enough digestive enzymes 3. overproduces bile from the liver

just like. all the fucking time. and i have to do everything in my power to keep it in check.

at this point, my OPTIMISTIC viewpoint is that maybe there’ll be days in my future where i don’t have to take as many supplements, and maybe i can eat a tiny bread roll without a supplement and then not burp and feel nauseous for 3 fucking hours straight.

but the naturopath is talking about weening me off of this liver supplement thing because she wants to just Fix the Nausea another way. like this is to keep it at bay, and then she wants me to Fix the Anxiety and then that should somehow fix the problem.

and idk how to tell her (or my mom) what my therapist and i were discussing.

remember that comic that was being reblogged a few times the other day? it was a two panel comic that said ‘me 10 years ago’ and ‘me today’ and it was their mental illness drawn as a many-armed monster. and in the 10 years ago panel, it was eating her alive, and in the today panel, she was sitting next to it eating cereal and saying ‘oh hey buddy what’s up’

and my therapist showed that to me and she was like ‘the goal isn’t necessarily to get rid of your anxiety or ocd, bc i think you know that’s a little unrealistic. the goal is to find ways to live with it and make it less scary and overwhelming.’

and like. yeah. exactly. which means my stomach/digestive system might improve a little, but it will, essentially, always be like this.

because let’s not forget, some of my issues might not even stem from anxiety-related stress! it could just be that i’m autistic and we’re notorious for having weird digestive issues and sensitivities (or maybe not notorious, but there’s some correlation there).

it could also just be that i have persistent ibs that’s like ‘fuck you, i’m here to stay’ y’know?

and the reason for that could be my sensory processing disorder--that i am acutely aware of my digestion at all times, and because of that, my body responds in overexaggerated ways because Autism and SPD. so i develop ibs because of that.

and like, there’s literally no possible way to get rid of that. i’m going to be that way forever.

i’m going to need these supplements and pills forever, basically.

and that’s really fucking annoying.

because this is not Bad Enough to be like ‘i cannot consume food without these things, so i would die’. it’s not chronic pain. it’s not something Super Medical that you can point to, diagnose, explain that it’s debilitating and life threatening, etc.

it’s “i can’t eat food without these things or else i’ll be horrifically nauseous and unpleasant to be around for several hours.”

and i mean. it’s not like people believe chronic pain disorders or other diagnoses that often, anyway. y’know? they always think they know best or that they’re suggesting something to you that you’ve somehow never tried before, and that’s bullshit. ableism is everywhere.

but like. uncomfortable nausea. is about. all i got. in terms of explaining the necessity of these things.

and explaining why it’s there and why it’ll stick around forever is also like. nonsense. ‘anxiety.’ ‘get rid of anxiety, then.’ ‘autism/spd.’ ‘get rid of autism/spd, then.’ ‘ibs.’ ‘change your diet, then.’

like, look, that’s not how this works, and the ~mildness~ of the symptoms it all causes isn’t enough to override that shitty response from even a handful of those annoying as shit people.

i’m not saying ~woe is me i have it worse~ or even ~i somehow wish i had worse symptoms~

i’m complaining specifically about my own situation with context and awareness. by which i mean, it’s not anywhere near the same as other disorders and the ableism y’all deal with, but it sure is annoying as hell and kind of similar in some basic ways, if not severity.

i mean, i currently take 4 separate things for digestion, not including the 2 pills i have on hand in case none of those 4 happen to work that day. like ???? okay.

idk. i’m just complaining. i’m complaining. my relationship to food is severely fucked up. my mental health is incredibly weird. my awareness of my anxiety is totally inexplicable and even nonexistent. so like. whatever.

and then i’ve got some people insisting that this won’t be forever.

lol, try again.

#long discussion of food digestion and medication below the cut #also references to various disorders including a kind of eating disorder #also a reference to weight loss or death by starvation and references to diets (but not weight loss diets just like someone's diet)#mostly this is all just excessive complaining bc i kind of got annoyed

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