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cougbowler · 7 years

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3rd time’s a charm: Thanks Jan!

The 3rd time's a charm. Not really. I mean I guess maybe it is. For me it took a third failed relationship for me to find Jan, thus finding the reason why these relationships, 2 of them being marriages, were failing. Failing for the same exact reason. Jan was my Charm!! When my 2nd wife told me she wanted a divorce and I realized there was no convincing her to reconsider I sat in our bedroom on the floor, sometimes in the walk-in closet, and I wrote. I wrote every day for about 2 weeks. I just wrote and wrote and wrote. The best thing I wrote was that it was finally time to get help, to figure out what was happening, why it was happening and how to stop it. I was at my version of Rock Bottom. I now needed the help I always figured I needed but this time I was going to get that help. Through resources at my workplace I found a counselor..... I found Jan! I had my first meeting with Jan in January of 2015 and it did not go so well. I am not sure what I thought was going to happen but I left her office wondering why I felt the same as when I got there. I mean shouldn't I have some sort of direction now that I spoke to a shrink? I guess it took 44 years to get this fucked up in the head and heart that 1 session with her wasn't going to fix it huh? Plus Jan would say something or ask me a question and then I would respond and when I paused or stopped she just stared at me. "Hey Lady, you talk to people for a living so you obviously know when it's your turn – SAY SOMETHING!" I mean I was already uncomfortable being there and was never good at eye contact so now I have this lady staring into my eyes saying nothing at times. I wasn't sure we were a good fit. Even though I knew that a counselor was the right thing....was it Jan? How do I know who will be right for me? This therapy shit was hard, in more ways than one....or 2 or 7... So after 1 session I felt no different and didn't think I was talking to the right person. Good start Brian! I decided to give Jan one more try. I do not really remember my 2nd session with Jan but I think we got a little into my childhood and parents and I got a little emotional and probably even cried. (Side Note: The reason I never went to a counselor before this was because I knew 100% I would cry and that scared the crap out of me). Jan still stared at me longer than I was comfortable with but maybe she was just giving me a chance to say more, I mean that's why I was there, to TALK to her right? I saw Jan a few more times in the spring but our schedules did not really match up well and after about 4-5 visits I stopped going and spent my summer hiking as my therapy. I was feeling a little better and had gone on a few dates but I knew I was nowhere close to being ready for another relationship and I wasn't going to become ready just because time had passed. I needed more Jan. I think it was around September when I made another appointment with her. At some point we got down to the fact that I had zero self-esteem. Jan recommended that I get a certain Self-esteem workbook so I could work in it and then we could go over it at each of our sessions. I bought the book and we began going through it. This workbook is really good but I believe it's not just something I could have read and learned. I needed Jan to go through stuff with me every other week. I was learning that I was worthy. I, like all of us, are born worthy and then we grow but at our core we always have that worth. It was immensely valuable to my healing. I never thought anything I had to say was important. But I learned from her that I do have importance. I met with Jan every other week or so for quite a few months spending part of our sessions going over the workbook and the other part just talking about whatever it was that I felt like discussing. The biggest thing that needed discussion was “how do I move on from my divorce?” “How do I make sure that what caused previous relationships to fail doesn’t happen again?”

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A little back story is needed here After my ex told me we were done she began talking to one of the other dance dad's from our daughters studio... we will call him Billy. Billy was one of those used car salesman type guys who says whatever it is you want to hear. I am not 100% certain anything went on between them or not but that's not the point of this post... plus we were already done and separated and she was free to talk to whoever she wished. But because I had to see Billy at the studio and competitions it became a point of contention for me. I used to make small talk with him in the past but now we never even made eye contact anymore.

************** Back to Jan. During one of our sessions in late February or early March --- I had already told her all about Billy previously----- I brought it up again and let her know I could not let it go... I didn't know how to get past that topic. I always heard that in order to forget you need to forgive. So I told Jan I wanted to, needed to and was going to forgive her (for picking someone I knew and had to interact with to be the first guy she hung out with) and forgive him (for being that dude). She in no uncertain terms called BS on me. She said forgive them for what? What did he do that you need to forgive him? "She had already told you that you guys were done before she started talking to him right?" Yes. "And he didn't cause the demise of your marriage right?" Right. Jan then proceeded to tell me my anger I felt towards them was a secondary emotion to the hurt and pain of a failed marriage and that I needed to address that pain. I had no clue what she meant. I had no idea what was next. I mean, come on Jan. I just told you I had the answer. I was ready to forgive, forget and move on. I was done stressing over this topic and I wanted to get past it... now I was back to ground zero and lost... Jan told me that indeed I needed to forgive but the person I needed to forgive was not Billy or even my ex. It was ME. Huh?

I needed to take ownership for my part of the failed marriage. Her words hit me like a ton of bricks but made total sense. She said not only should I forgive myself but even let my ex know I was forgiving myself for my part in the failed marriage and forgive her for having a part in it as well if I so desired. I left her office and went home and wrote my apology with the information Jan had suggested but did not send it. The very next day when I saw Billy at the studio not only did I make eye contact but I said Hi to him and made a little bit of small talk. He rambled on about his job or car and nothing much was really said but at least we spoke and I walked out of there feeling like I had just gotten a 14 month long monkey off my back. It felt damn good. At my next session with Jan I told her about speaking to Billy and she was totally surprised that I had already made that move and she was really happy for me. This made me feel even better about it all. I told her I had written and accepted my apology to myself and that I was going to email it to my ex because if I tried to say it in person I wouldn't be able to get it all out. She agreed that was a good idea. So during that week I sent the email. I never got a response but I was not looking for one. I finally had my "apologize, forgive and forget" moment. It was not what I originally envisioned but thanks to Jan it was perfect... And it accomplished what I was looking for. I was free of the past. The blockage to my happiness had been removed!!!

In June of 2016 I was at one of my appointments with Jan and we were talking about dating and how the “meeting new girls” was going and I told her things were good and that I was able to be open and honest with girls and able to let them know I was just looking to meet new people and have fun but not looking for any type of relationship. We still had not finished the “Self-Esteem” workbook but I felt like I was doing ok in that department. In the middle of our session she basically said, “I think you are good now. You do not need my help anymore.” I looked at her kind of weird and was kind of set back by her comment. To me I thought this was kind of like AA meetings for an alcoholic where I was always going to need her. When I questioned the idea of being done she told me when I first came in to see her I always looked down at the ground and showed zero confidence but now I was looking right at her all of the time and I was upbeat and I had good ideas about what I wanted and how I wanted to go about the future. I looked around and quickly realized she was right. I was doing just fine!! I was still shocked that she said I was graduating, that’s what I called it, graduating from Jan. It was bitter sweet for sure. I knew I could always come back and talk to Jan if I ever needed but for now this was it. She made me whole again…and by again…. I mean for the first time since I was an innocent little boy… before I became “emotionally broken”.

I still think about Jan every so often. She is monumental in my life. I thank myself all the time for giving her a chance after that first session. She is my charm – staring right at me. ;)

My post before this was about Taressa but without what Jan did for me that post could never have been written.

THANKS JAN!!!!!

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