#the fear of self dxing because i feel like im not allowed to

[oscill4te]

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not at all self dxing but I do relate with many ocd symptoms and I am heavily considering emdr to work on it or at least figure out the root of why this fear has affected my life since I was in middle school..

EMDR may have been a terrible route for processing personal (redacted) trauma, but maybe it can help me with my obsessive and intense fear that I am secretly (redacted) and that I have evil eyes and Im not allowed to ever look at people and developing phobias of specific people for no reason at all and not being to attach a pattern or reason to why my brain chooses random people and says "you are a danger to this random ass person at your job!! Or this random person at college (not that I go anymore but yeah). You are not allowed to speak nor even look at them!!! But yet the nervous system will also make your legs feel shaky and heavy like stones so that you cannot even walk right and its super noticeable, like semi paralyzation. For no reason ^-^ because you are soooo scared that u are a danger to them...

My brain doesnt discriminate either. It can be a man in his 40s, a woman around my age, or a random cashier thats still in HS. My brain chooses a random person and convinces me for that reason that I am bad and need to avoid that person bc they are fragile and even looking at them can hurt them. Thats what I mean when I say I don't understand why its happening .....

I hope emdr can help me undig this or better yet help me not live this irrational fear anymore. Bc rationally ik Im not evil, my eyes dont hurt anyone and Im allowed to talk to people at work

#considering therapy again rambles #general tw #somatic trauma