#the food hygiene course i did almost 25 years ago is a blessing and a curse

[thedesperatehousehusband]

Not Super on Time at this Point but Whatever

Sometimes I am not able to be as timely as I prefer with my posts. This is one of those times. I am still going to pontificate on the Super Bowl even though it was four days ago.

The outcome was appalling. I don’t care for the Patriots. I think Tom Brady is a douche. I think Gisele is the worst. I think Bill Belichick is smug and homeless looking all at the same time. That Julian Edelman is a stud though and even though Rob Gronkowski is dumb as a box of rocks, he’s really pretty funny. But more than that the Falcons should be deported. How do you blow a 25 point lead in the 4th quarter of the Super Bowl? You will never, ever live that down.

The Schuyler Sisters singing America the Beautiful was a delight. Look, y’all, more than just white people can sing patriotic songs! It’s like there’s diversity in this country or something. In stark contrast, white as fuck Luke Bryan sang the National Anthem. It was fine. He’s not the world’s best singer but he’s not the worst. I’m certain he’s helping to make America great again.

Halftime, halftime, halftime. Bring it, Gaga. I will not hear it if you don’t agree with me. That was the BEST halftime show in years and years. Certainly since Prince, may he rest in peace. Like her or not, the woman is a talent. I’m sure there was a backing track somewhere but for the most part ol’girl was singing. I feel like you could tell by how she was breathing. The dancing was kick ass. There were gays and brown people and all sorts of funky folks. Loved it more than my luggage.

Let’s discuss commercials. In a nutshell, they sucked donkey balls. There is nothing worse than mediocrity when it comes to Super Bowl ads. Most were mediocre at best.

1.       Google Home…a little overwrought.

2.       Michelin…been there, done there.

3.       Avocados from Mexico…the secret society has nothing to do with avocados. I laughed. But not for the right reasons and not having anything to do with the product being advertised.

4.       Mobile Strike with Arnold…I’m not a gamer. Maybe it resonates with the target. Maybe Arnold’s ratings are down. Maybe he released his taxes when he was governor of California. Maybe I just don’t care.

5.       H&R Block with IBM Watson…get every last deduction. Get errrry one. This one was decent. In the grand scheme of things, I’d give it a B+.

6.       Skittles…Romance? Is that what it was? Terrible.

7.       Busch Beer…Buschhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh was very clever. But Busch? Really? How fucking white trash. At least AB didn’t rag on the craft beer industry. So there’s that. I’ll give it a B.

8.       American Petroleum Institute…Yep. I get it. Oil is a part of our lives and more that that, it makes things better. But ethanol is going to catch on. Bless my corns, I believe it to be true.

9.       GoDaddy…Rick Astley is trying to make a comeback. Good luck. D+.

10.   LifeWtr…I guess basically introducing a new product on the Super Bowl will generate awareness.  That’s a bazillion dollar gamble. Bully for you for taking a risk.

11.   Intel with Tom Brady…don’t care. D+.

12.   AirBnB…#weaccept. Sharp, sharp, sharp. Makes a nice statement but still feels on target and based on an insight. I’ll give it an A. One of the only A’s, in my opinion.

13.   World of Tanks…Fuck off.

14.   Yellow Tail…Another shitty booze brand. I get it though. Mass market products make sense. Honestly, Yellow Tail isn’t that bad. It was fun and was pretty cute. A-.

15.   Pirate’s Life…I’m not sure how you judge a movie trailer as a Super Bowl ad so I’ll just say I have NO interest whatsoever in this movie. Let the ship sink, Johnny. It’s over.

16.   Pistacchios…Who doesn’t love elephants? It was decent. Final grade = B-.

17.   Buick…with Cam Newton. I guess it was fine. I don’t really like him. He’s kind of a brat. Sack up and don’t whine, you big baby. One must be careful with celebrities. They can be polarizing.

18.   Logan…another trailer. I’m intrigued. I like that it’s rated R. Maybe that means a little full frontal from Hugh Jackman. I wouldn’t complain.

19.   T Mobile…with the Biebs, Gronk and TO. T Mobile is trying to make themselves happen. Who uses T Mobile? It reminds of the final few holdouts who wouldn’t give up their Blackberrys.  Meh,

20.   Honda CRV…chasing dreams. I get it. Potentially overly aspirational for a pretty affordable car but at least it had some sort of strategy behind it.

21.   Bai Bai…with JT and Christopher Walken. At this point all I can remember about Bai Bai is the celebrs in the spot. I think it’s food or beverage. Or maybe feminine hygiene or maybe toilet bowl cleaner. Fail.

22.   Transformers: Rise of the What the Fuck Ever…nope.

23.   Tide..with Terry Bradshaw. I didn’t hate it. That’s saying a lot.

24.   Sprint….I can’t read my notes so I don’t know what this ad was about. My bad.

25.   Coca Cola…tying it all back to food makes sense. I have very strong correlation between eating at McDonald’s and Coke. An A- for sure.

26.   The Handmaid’s Tale…should I know what this is? I’m slightly intrigued and slightly nonplussed.

27.   WeatherTech…America. Fuck yeah.

28.   Febreeze…something having to do with halftime. I don’t remember anymore. I should have written this sooner.

29.   Alfa Romeo…I guess we’re trying to make Alfa Romeo happen in the US. Good luck. I’m not sure now is the best time to introduce a foreign product in this country.

30.   Michelob Ultra…95 calories and you can still do Crossfit when you drink it. Feels like a streeeeeetch.

31.   TurboTax….Humpty Dumpty. A decent attempt at humor. But I have no interest in seeing this spot 100,000 times. Hopefully they don’t run it as part of their regular ad rotation.

32.   Lexus…nothing interesting or different or new. Could have been any Lexus add on during any other show. Make it special. Or at least try.

33.   Fate of the Furious…money talks and that’s why Charlize Theron is in this movie.

34.   Squarespace…with John Malkovich. I don’t really understand what one does on or with Squarespace. Maybe that means the ad wasn’t meant for me.

35.   Wendy’s…othrguys.com. Decent. But Wendy’s will never be chosen ahead of McDonald’s in my world.

36.   Xfinity…I don’t care.

37.   The Hammer Insurance…WTF?

38.   Kaplan University…Really?

39.   Arby’s…2 for $5. Seriously? An offer during the Super Bowl? That’s just dumb,

40.   Menard’s…save big money. This was probably a regional insertion that not everyone saw.

41.   Audi…equal pay for women. This has caused quite a stir because apparently Audi as a corporation has a pretty shitty track record with female pay and female representation at the senior exec level. Ooopsie poopsie. Don’t try to take a social stand when you can’t internally back it up.

42.   Mr. Clean…the man who cleans. In my opinion, this was the very best spot of the Super Bowl. A VERY clear insight. A VERY clear benefit. A VERY clear target. A+++++++++.

43.   Snickers…the live spot with Adam Driver was a gimmick. Gimmicks rarely work. This did not work.

44.   Anheuser Busch…immigration and August Busch coming to the states. I liked it. It told a nice story. Was ironically very topical and relevant even though AB shot the spot 3 months ago and couldn’t have possibly known about the whole travel ban insanity. But, of course, August Busch was white and that makes it OK…..no offense to AB. That’s a dig on errrrything else.

45.   T Mobile…with Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg. Can-o-bisque or cannabis? Get it? That’s almost clever. But what does it have to do with cell phones? Nothing. Fail.

46.   Persil..with Bill Nye the Science Guy. I guess we’re still trying to make Persil happen in the States. I’m not sure this spot is going to push them over the edge.

47.   Kia…with Melissa McCarthy. She’s comedy gold. This sorta kinda worked.

48.   Stranger Things 2…we just watched the pilot episode. Loved it. This is apropos of nothing.

49.   The Walking Dead…They need to bulk up the ratings since people fled like crazy given the completely bleak first half of this season. I concur that it was all a bit much but there ain’t so sunshine and rainbows in the zombie apocalypse.

50.   Fiji…earth’s finest water. I see what you did there. A solid B.

51.   Baywatch…apart from Zac Efron’s body this movie just looks terrible.

52.   Alfa Romeo…see number 29.

53.   T Mobile…with 50 Shades of Grey or Darker or Whatever. Make it stop!

54.   Wix.com…with Jason Statham and Gal Gadot. I do not know what one does with or on Wix.com.

55.   Turkish Airlines…moving free. Not bad and by this point, I’m pretty much over the whole thing so anything that even makes sense is going to be viewed favorably.

56.   Alexa…with My Girl. Not horrendous. That’s positive when considering the amount of dreck.

57.   T Mobile..data limits. I literally can’t even with T Mobile.

58.   Nintendo Switch…I don’t care about video games but this looked relatively cool.

59.   Spuds McKenzie…Bring that dead dog back to life, Bud Light. Nothing better than a recycled icon and the ghost of a deceased pit bull.

60.   Mercedes…I don’t really remember anything about this spot except that it featured Patty the Daytime Hooker who was a character on My Name is Earl. I love that actress. She is simply the best actress working in Hollywood in her ability to play white trash.

61.   Alfa Romeo…the third time is the charm. Except it’s not. No more. See number 29 and 52.

62.   Sprite…with Lebron James. Much as I love Lebron James, I am nearly positive this was not a new spot and the Coca Cola Company can pony up for a new spot for the Super Bowl. That’s cheap.

63.   KFC…something having to do with gold. Meh.

64.   Tide…another go. That’s a lot of Tide for one Super Bowl.

And that’s that. Super Bowl LI is in the books and we have a few months without football. But that’s OK because March Madness is juuuuuuuust about to knock on my door. That shit is my jam.