#the internal battle of who he is. he was reading shakespeare when lestat called. and he came and in one night found that his life's mission

[lioncunt]

i have less than a hundred pages left in tva and im thinking about how all armand retained from his childhood after his trauma-induced memory loss was "not made by human hands". how he was reduced to his godliness, inhuman holiness in his painting, how suffering was purified for him in the caves, how from the start he was conditioned to be a vessel for others' whims to the point where even after undergoing unimaginable horror he remembered. he is not human. he is made for something greater, he is devout in his pain. and immediately upon remembering this. he throws up and passes out.

marius takes him and conditions him to something else, to his "perfected" image of a boy of the time, the glass of fashion mold of form etc. and this is the first time armand rebels, and attempts to forge his own path, attempts to understand the reasoning behind his idol's actions, but marius assaults him and it's again reinforced for armand that he is what others make of him. and if it will please them, he will do it. this monster is all he has, this is the sun shining upon him. this is god, and he is a vessel. not made by human hands. and then he's no longer human . (was he ever human to begin with. was he ever human to anyone.)

and the children of darkness come and force him once again in the opposite direction, once again traumatize him so severely there's almost nothing left except obedience and servitude and suffering as life.

and in the midst of that isolation and numbness he remembers his mother, the little gift she gave him, and he wonders if after these centuries it's still hidden in his forgotten coffin, abandoned when the coven came. her gift, the painted egg, his real self, his mother and father. is it still there. is it rotten and spoiled. is it dust. is it perfectly preserved and just waiting to be cracked open, waiting for the mess to be made.

and then lestat comes and cracks him open and makes the mess. your hands were always human.

what is he supposed to do with that? after 5 lifetimes of idolatry. how is he supposed to go on. you are a vessel for the one you love, the one you love is god, there is nothing else.

#armand #the vampire armand #interview with the vampire #this book is a 5 star read btw. if you even care #and then. not even getting into the confirmation of god. the sacrifice. #the internal battle of who he is. he was reading shakespeare when lestat called. and he came and in one night found that his life's mission #which was called a sham by this man. well it was tru e the wholee time. and now the man who was your savior from the darkness is telling yo #he was wrong and he's actually chosen instead of you.