#traveling and being unconventional by your family/blueprint's standards is not only perhaps how I was meant to live

[rimouskis]

I'm very sick of having to learn the same lessons! this could be avoided if I just: actually accepted the lesson the first time it hits me. but no, I am doomed to being confronted with a truism, disliking it, and then being haunted by it like an annoying poltergeist until I begrudgingly accept it 1-to-10 years later

#this is the running joke in my life #anyways the current lesson I'm trying to force myself to actually internalize is: living your life wildly and going everywhere and #traveling and being unconventional by your family/blueprint's standards is not only perhaps how I was meant to live #but it also may in fact be the ONLY way I can live #and even though it sounds exciting and I'm game I somehow still end up backing myself into psychological corners like I'm not allowed to/ #supposed to live like that. why!? I know not. #me: having friends across the world and spending your 20s traveling and living whimsically sounds sick as hell. and also fun. #somehow also me: oh no but what about the spouse that i don't want and the kids i even more certainly don't want and the stability that #my generation literally can't afford 9 times out of 10 #???? make it make sense #me: I'm lonely #me: okay then go travel and meet and see people and go live a little wildly #me: ... #me: wait I must be doing something wrong. this is too unconventional. #idk maybe something's up with me or maybe I just have anxiety. TBD. #also maybe I'm sick of not having role models! I've never been the kind of kid who had a role model to look up to #like as a personality trait of mine #but damn I literally don't have any peers doing what I'm doing rn and it's a little isolating!