#we can all agree he treats edgar like garbage though right?

[elle-stevens]

The Break Up Blog - Day Twenty Eight

My sinuses really hate me today. 

My new air purifier definitely helped to clean the air a bit more in my apartment, but I still woke up sneezing and sniffling. I think my early morning sniffles might have more to do with my gastritis than anything. Still, there’s the bad air quality in my office at work that has dust climbing up my nose hairs and making proverbial braids. I wore my face mask for most of the day, which prompted my students and colleagues alike to ask me if I have a cold. Until I get a bigger air purifier, I’m going to start bringing my mini one to school too to save my poor nostrils. 

School was ok today, just busy and tiring. I managed to order some Starbucks for C at work today after my failed attempt last night. Of course, the delivery guy thought he was being super hilarious when he arrived 15 minutes earlier than I planned and kept calling me on repeat to come get my delivery when I was in the middle of class. Not that I missed much; my fourth graders were failing hard at playing Bingo, even though we’ve played it a few times already in class. I don’t know why the delivery guy couldn’t just leave my delivery with the security guard at the main gate; it’s like they need you to hold their hand through the delivery process. 

I got to meet my new colleage, AS, officially today. She seems nice; I hope I can help her get more acquainted with the city and work as she settles into her new teaching job at my school. We had a welcome dinner for AS tonight which consisted of her, C, CI, myself and N. I thought I would be exhausted by the time dinner rolled around, but I managed to save up some energy for it after all. We ate Korean barbeque, which was delicious as always. N walked home and C and AS went to do some grocery shopping for her new apartment while CI and I took a taxi together. Because it was nearly 20:00 when I got home, I decided to exercise in my apartment instead of going all the way to the gym tonight. It was a good workout, but my body and mind felt tired and preoccupied during my exercises. 

Before dinner earlier, N and AS were at the bank opening AS’s new Chinese account while C, CI and I waited for them to wrap up. C was sharing some spam emails with CI and I that she’d received during the day: the usual drivel coming from my home continent preying on the weak and the naive for money to help some poor sod who’s down on his or her luck. Something about that spam email set me off in a big way, which got CI and I talking about honesty and lying to people. CI made the valid point that sometimes you do have to lie to people in order to spare their feelings; like complimenting someone on their outfit or how they look even when you don’t think that person looks particularly good at all. I agree with CI that telling the truth in those instances is pretty pointless and won’t actually be of any help. 

But when it comes to actual lies, lies that wound someone’s dignity and breaks their heart, those are the lies I can’t tolerate anymore. And it’s all because of X. The way I see it, you’re more useful to me being exactly who you really are, even if it means you’re a total creep or a raging bitch. At least I’d know what I was dealing with then and would actively find ways not to cross paths with you. As Oscar Wilde once said: ‘A true friend stabs you in the front.’ CI again made a valid point in saying that poor people are sometimes driven to do desperate and terrible things just to get their hands on even a little bit of money. I can’t even begin to imagine what that’s like and how difficult it must be to go through life not knowing where your next meal or your next pay cheque is coming from. But does that mean that you have to become some villainous, heinous creature who hurts and deceives other people just to get their grubby hands on money? 

But with X, she launched a full-scale invasion on my heart and turned it into ruined, confetti pieces after she was done. And for what? For money? For attention? Those are a soulless person’s greatest treasures. It sickens me that hard times and desperation can turn even the kindest people into emotionally leeching vampires. 

I guess I’m really projecting tonight, huh? I knew I would feel weird today. It’s been 4 weeks since I broke up with X. It’s weird to think of myself as being single after all this time. Sure, it means that I have the licence to fantasise about other people, flirt with other people and even do more than just thinking about other people. But it doesn’t mean that I actually have the heart or the stomach for either of those vices. 

I keep thinking about what X and I had together. In the beginning, it had been beautiful and the purest love I had felt in years. Somehow, it turned to shit in a year and I still can’t even fathom how it happened. I feel like I’ve become the Edgar Allen Poe of dead love and romance. All that’s missing is me sporting a raven on my shoulder to match my mood these days. 

P and G keep saying that I’m a good person and that I deserve to be loved and treated well. But after X rejected me and treated me like less than garbage, I feel spiritless and devalued. It makes that expression ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder’ a little more poignant to me these days. You only feel beautiful and worthy when seen through the brilliant lens of someone else’s biased perception. I don’t want to feel like that anymore: that I’ll only be valuable and worthy when someone else looks at me. 

I want to be brave enough to look in the mirror and really see myself as I truly am: tiny proportional features like my nose and my eyes with disproportionately massive ‘African child-birthing’ hips, flabby arms, sagging breasts, a roll of fat along my stomach that I often hide with some carefully worn tights. Scars on my arms and legs from where I picked my scabs simply because I was too afraid to ever feel beautiful or worthy in my own skin. Dark, puffy patches under my eyelids where it seems like I’ll never get the rest that I want or deserve at night. The beauty spot on the right corner of my mouth which feels like the only truly unique and remarkable thing about my appearance. 

This is who I really am, flaws and all. There is a lot about me that is imperfect and ugly, but there are small, hidden rivulets of beauty and grace in-between. I need to find that beauty and that grace deep within myself, grasp it firmly by its proverbial cheeks and embrace it without the intention of ever letting go. Only I can find beauty in myself, in other things and in people. Only I have the capacity to love again with my whole heart without worrying about the next time it breaks. 

It’s late and my body and mind are worn out. I’m going to wear my face mask all night if I have to so I don’t end up sneezing my brains out for once. I hope I can find peace in my body and soul as the days keep bleeding into each other. 

The light at the end of this tunnel is taking its own sweet time to finally get here. 

#breakupblog