#while reassuring myself that I'm the best and everyone else sucks and I deserve everything and fuck everyone else they don't deserve me

[foolishnpd]

hmmm I've noticed that a lot of my I'm The Best thoughts come out when I'm angry/upset. I guess superiority is a coping mechanism? it's like a way to comfort and bring myself back up to a good level again

#lilyroaring #npd safe #like literally sobbing and seething in anger #while reassuring myself that I'm the best and everyone else sucks and I deserve everything and fuck everyone else they don't deserve me #which... probably looks pathetic looking from the outside #and it also doesn't help much #but that's always what I default to when I'm pissed off or upset #just a weird little coping mechanism I suppose #of course it comes with the side effect of looking like a stupid edgy kid #like someone criticizes me #I start sobbing in my room and laughing to myself like an evil villain #because hehe they don't know who they're criticizing I will destroy them with my mighty awesomeness #they aren't even worthy of my presence #silly cringe behavior 💀💀

[rachaelnpc]

One of Us

They are one of us.

They are eating themselves from the inside out. All the while blaming me for their own self destructions. They look at me and see all of their mistakes and shortcomings. Looking at me creates a deep rage within themselves. Like my face shows them the struggles within myself they caused because of their actions, taking it out on me, causing the cycle to continue as if I am the one that isn't strong enough to withstand their demons. I stood by their side, reassured them, cheered them on, even lifted them up.

At the end, their self loathing parts looked me in the eye, pushing me off the edge. I rolled so far down the mountain. They stand there tall. When others ask what happened they laugh pointing down at me.

What happened to your heart? Who have you become? You let the heartless consume you. Lies so thick, they have become the truth. Can you hear your heart anymore? You were getting closer to truly knowing yourself. I wanted to walk through it with you. We didn't have to hold hands. I wanted to ensure you would be okay.

When I tried to leave, every time you fell apart. You didn't want me but needed me. I couldn't be there for you when you felt like having me around. It wasn't fair. It was selfish. You couldn't let me go. It was because of the money, the comfort, the normalcy, the safe space. I offered friendship. You lied saying you wanted me when the reality is you wanted everyone else around you.

I think you wanted to want me. Don't fight what your true feelings are. It doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you strong to admit true feelings. I can handle the fact that you fell out of love with me or that you never were in love with me to begin with. We tried our best. It didn't work out and that is okay. You wanted more. Don't want more and wrap your hands around my throat. Don't tighten your grip when you wished I was him... I can never be him. I love you even if you wanted them and not me. I wanted to celebrate with you. Instead you took your frustration out on me. You trapped me. What was I supposed to do with that? I couldn't stay knowing I am not who you wanted. I couldn't leave with your threats against your reflection. I wanted you to be okay. At a point I had to make sure I was okay even if that meant leaving you to be a victim to your own hands. It was killing me. I am not being dramatic. It was soul sucking, soul crushing, life ending this battle you drug me into.

We could have parted ways peacefully. I tried to the best I could. I couldn't leave and I couldn't stay. I tried to find the solution. I gave you nearly everything. How is it fair you get to keep the life we built and I am left to pick up all of my pieces? It is okay. You needed the stability. I'll be strong enough to build up myself again. I hope it helps you find yourself, your true happy with the foundation of our home, our friends, our life. They all think I'm the villain. I didn't try to defend myself. I knew you needed them more than I did. I still miss them, it still hurts, like it was all a waste of my time. It wasn't, I have to hold on to the good parts and learn from the bad. You took my whole life away from me. Like I said, you needed it more than I did.

I look at it all, you were upset with how you felt. You let the voices win. You are beautiful the way you are. You deserve to be true to yourself. I see the beauty in your soul that you try to hide from the world and worst of all, yourself.

Or were you doing it all on purpose? Taking advantage of my kindness? Did you realize what you were doing and did it anyway? Where you just a charming con artist? Was it all fake? How will I trust again? I got lost in your eyes, they were welcoming, inviting, they seemed kind and well intentioned... It fucks me up.

When I get lost in the next set of eyes, when they are welcoming, inviting, kind and seeming well intentioned... I don't want to fuck them up because of all of this. I don't want to doubt a good soul. I don't want to be the monster projecting insecurities. I have a life-time full of deceit from those that I loved, putting on a masked show of care and love for everyone else to see. I am left feeling nothing, told it is something and blamed for being too much when asking for something real. I am tired of being deprived of love because of other people's demons projected onto me.

I know who I am now because of it all. I need to stand tall in that. I am thankful because it all led me here, to this moment where I am truly free and understanding of myself which I hope you one day can reach as well.

I can feel the negativity that you send my way at night. Please stop. I am trying to send out positive healing energy to you. You need to let go of me. I cannot help you. You have to help yourself. You are blaming me for your faults.

Please, stop. It hurts, even still.