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[zrtranscripts]

Season 6, Mission 25: 76 Trombones

Give an inch, take a mile

SAM YAO: Oh, come on, come on! Where is he? [sighs] It's too dark for my cams to pick anything up, even with all the flaming torches. Peter, what can you see?

PETER LYNNE: A window. The window of the gents toilets of Muddleton corn exchange. I'm using state-of-the-art infrared goggles to stare at a loo.

SAM YAO: But is there anyone coming out the window?

PETER LYNNE: [gasps] ... no.

KEFILWE LOBATSE: We have time. The market square is crowded, which will make our escape easier. And Muddleton has only just gone over to Ministry control. Not everyone here will be loyalists. We do not need to fear each pair of eyes in a busy crowd like this.

SAM YAO: Clever of you to get the Laundry to arrange a midnight fair to celebrate the gift of the cure.

KEFILWE LOBATSE: Sigrid was delighted with the tribute to her. If the woman has one fault, it's vanity.

SAM YAO: Mm, yeah, I think she probably has more than one fault.

KEFILWE LOBATSE: But vanity is the useful one. There are very few guards at this fair.

PETER LYNNE: And we're here to rescue a... trombonist? There's a sentence I never thought I'd hear myself saying.

SAM YAO: Yeah, it's not really about him. It's his wife, Dr. Kitsnis. Okay, listen. This is a bit complicated. Dr. Kitsnis used to work for Sigrid, but then she fled to Muddleton to be safe, right?

PETER LYNNE: With you.

SAM YAO: Before Muddleton went Ministry, Dr. Kitsnis was in Abel working with Veronica on an updated vaccine for that flu, Junin 2. It keeps coming back every year, and although it's not deadly anymore, it's good to keep the vaccine up to date.

Anyway, now Muddleton's gone Ministry, Sigrid wants to get Kitsnis back, but Kitsnis wants to defect to Abel. She has key information for us about weaknesses in Sigrid's staff, which we could really do with to try and give us some kind of advantage, but Kitsnis won't stay or tell us anything unless we get her husband out, too.

KEFILWE LOBATSE: They've been married 20 years, apparently. Still devoted.

PETER LYNNE: Yes, yes, it's all very heart-warming. Meanwhile, muggins here is stuck staring at the grimy window of a public bog while – no, wait. I can see a leg. He's climbing out.

SAM YAO: Five, that's your cue. You need to give him his border pass before he's spotted. Get across that square now. Run!

PETER LYNNE: Excuse me. If you could just – ah, sorry! Just, uh, just slipping through here.

SAM YAO: Kefilwe, do you think it's possible your plan might have created too much of a crowd? Like, so much of a crowd to hide you rescuing Jim, you can't actually reach him to rescue him?

PETER LYNNE: We're nearly there, Sam. Just need to get past this inexplicably popular corn dolly stall.

SAM YAO: You're out of time! Cams are showing me two guards coming around the left-hand side of the corn hall with torches. They're seconds away from spotting him. Quick, distract them! Uh, start a fight or something!

PETER LYNNE: Oi, mate! Yeah, you! Your nose is wonky, and your T-shirt's clashing with your eyes.

TOTAL STRANGER: I beg your pardon?

SAM YAO: I meant pick a fight with each other, not total strangers!

KEFILWE LOBATSE: How dare you be so rude, young man! [slaps PETER LYNNE]

SAM YAO: That's better.

PETER LYNNE: She slapped me!

SAM YAO: It's working! Two guards are looking over. Five, you do it!

[Runner Five slaps PETER LYNNE]

PETER LYNNE: [gasps] Et tu, Five?

SAM YAO: Great! The guards are both coming towards you. Jim's in the car. He's safe.

KEFILWE LOBATSE: But the guards are walking towards us.

SAM YAO: Uh, yeah. You'd better make yourselves scarce. Bloody hell, it was only a few weeks ago that Muddleton was safe passage for us. No more, eh?

PETER LYNNE: Yes. Janine's having to work out alternate travel routes for us every day as more settlements go Ministry.

SAM YAO: Uh, yeah, weird routes are the order of the day. The car will have to go around the one-way system. If you head left under the railway bridge, you can catch up with the car by the roundabout and give Jim his travel papers. Run.

KEFILWE LOBATSE: I believe that is the car, the red Honda Civic. There appears to be someone else in the car along with our man and the driver. Can you see her, Five, lying on the back seat?

PETER LYNNE: He's seen us. The car's stopping.

[car engine rumbles and comes to a stop, KEFILWE LOBATSE knocks on car window, window rolls down]

JIM: Thank God. I wasn't sure you'd be here. You've got the travel papers?

KEFILWE LOBATSE: We have the papers, yes.

JIM: I... don't suppose you've got a spare set?

PETER LYNNE: For that person lying on the back seat, pretending to be a coat?

JIM: Yes, exactly.

SAM YAO: Jim, who is the person lying on the back seat, pretending to be a coat?

JIM: That's Catherine. She's a second violin. It's just, she heard me talking about the plan, and now she's invited herself along, and it's not like I can say no, is it? Anyway, Abel wants as many people to join them as possible. That's what they said in one of those radio broadcasts, the northern chap and that sarcastic woman [?].

PETER LYNNE: Yes, we're really crying out for violin players at the moment.

SAM YAO: All right, listen. There are zombies approaching from the west. Peter, you lead them away. Five, you and Lobatse go east towards those potato fields. There's a guard station there that deals with passes. With any luck, they'll have a couple lying around. 

You don't need anything high security. I don't think a trombonist and a violin player are likely to be on any Most Wanted list. No offense, guys. Jim, a new car's being brought for you and - ?

JIM: Catherine.

CATHERINE: Hi!

SAM YAO: Yes, right. Catherine. Switching vehicles ought to make you harder to track. Look out for a blue Ford people carrier. Climb in as soon as you see it, and wait for the others to come back.

KEFILWE LOBATSE: Come along, Five. Let's go.

[crickets chirp]

KEFILWE LOBATSE: It's a beautiful night, isn't it, Five? The moon's so bright, you can see every cloud racing across the sky. Perhaps there will be a storm later.

Do you think that woman is Jim's lover? I think she probably is. The way she looked at him. And he blushed when he said her name, did you see, Five? I suppose he sees very little of his wife, with them so often apart, and these things... well, [laughs] they happen.

I think this is something his wife should know, don't you? But I suppose it's too late now, and we can hardly refuse to rescue him just because he's unfaithful. Ah, there is the guard station, and a young man in uniform guarding it. Good. I'll distract him, Five, while you creep into the station and pick up a new set of papers for us. Quickly, go!

[foliage rustles]

KEFILWE LOBATSE: [laughs] What a rogue you are. I knew it the moment I saw that twinkle in your eye.

SAM YAO: Wow. She is frighteningly good at that. [KEFILWE LOBATSE and GUARD laugh] The little lean in, the way she keeps touching his arm, the eye contact. She looks so sincere! Imagine what it's like when she actually means it. Oh, lucky old Steve. Anyway, give her a quick wave from behind the bush, Five. Let her know she can stop flirting now.

[foliage rustles]

KEFILWE LOBATSE: Well... alas, I must leave now, Jonathan. I hope we shall meet again. [kisses GUARD]

Five, do you have the pass? [paper rustles] Oh good, you took several. Very thoughtful. They could be most useful for the resistance.

SAM YAO: Or for you, Kefilwe? You could use one to come back to us.

KEFILWE LOBATSE: We've had this conversation before, Sam. There's no need to repeat it.

SAM YAO: No, no. No, of course. I know you want to stay where you can do the most good. Only with -

KEFILWE LOBATSE: Sam.

SAM YAO: Right. Of course. Well, anyway, Peter's drawn the zoms off and headed back to the car where Jim – [sighs]

KEFILWE LOBATSE: What is it, Sam?

SAM YAO: Oh, for God's sake. Oh, no, don't worry. Just get back to the [lay by] where the car's parked, quickly.

PETER LYNNE: Hey! Welcome to the party! I think party's the right word for five people, isn't it, gang? Unexpected collection of musicians we can't possibly smuggle over the border?

KEFILWE LOBATSE: There are three more people.

MUSICIANS: Hello.

JIM: Sorry! It's just they were in the, um, room when me and Catherine were talking about the escape, and they decided to come, too.

SAM YAO: [sighs] This is ridiculous.

PETER LYNNE: On the plus side, now they can give us a rendition of Schubert's Trout Quintet when they get back to Abel.

JIM: Actually, one of them's a percussionist. And Sandra plays the euphonium.

KEFILWE LOBATSE: Fortunate that Five took more passes, I suppose.

JIM: So... it's all right? They can come?

SAM YAO: Well, I suppose so. We can hardly send them back now without everyone noticing.

JIM: Good! Because... um... I might have mentioned it to a few other members of the orchestra when we were... relaxing together. [orchestral sounds] Listen! I think that's them heading our way now.

PETER LYNNE: Oh, for the love of God! [zombies growl] And now zombies, too! Why don't we take them over the border with us, while we're at it? Maybe they could fill out the brass section. They do tend to produce quite a lot of spit!

[device beeps]

JIM: Oh, what's that?

SAM YAO: It's a message from the Laundry via Jody's transmitter. The Ministry has noticed you're missing. I mean, they could hardly not notice! You brought the whole bloody orchestra with you!

JIM: I suppose it's too late to go back.

PETER LYNNE: Is it too late? Only if you all don't really want to get shot.

JIM: So how are we going to get away?

PETER LYNNE: And get away from all those zombies?

KEFILWE LOBATSE: We need a plan now.

#zombies run #zrs6 #s6m25 #76 trombones #zr transcript #zrs6 spoilers