#you don't need my forgiveness. it only justifies your actions. I won't forgive. I'll accept the change you show me your capable of. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

fictionkinfessions · 3 months

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Hi. I'm a fictive of John Gaius from The Locked tomb, and I'm sorry.

I'm still coming to terms with the fact that I was a piece of shit, but I don't have to *stay* a piece of shit, because people can change. So here you go. Here's me just throwing words out there to process and work through some stuff.

To be honest? I wasn't a great person to start off with. Back than I wanted to believe that everyone would do the same in my position, but looking back I don't think it was *just* that.

(And yeah, it wasn't really a position that gave me a lot of time for rational thought and considering the consequences of my actions. But still, pretty sure that's the worst anyone's ever done it.)

Even before everything went to shit? I was a manipulative, underhanded, ends-justify-the-means kind of guy. I was convinced that the way to fix anything was to do it my way, because I was going to save humanity or die trying. I was a pretentious fuck who thought I was above everyone else.

I believed the only thing wrong with people getting hurt was that the wrong people were getting hurt, and I believed that I was the supreme arbitrator of acceptable targets. I wanted to be judge, jury, and executioner, but in the end I was only ever an executioner.

I wasn't some inherently evil irredeemable monster. I was a smooth talking guy who thought that if I just did everything my way, I could make things perfect, and who cares about the cost of utopia? In other words? I was a fascist.

I hurt people. Some of it I intended from the start. Some came later. But all of it was still things I did, my actions, my choices. I was coerced sometimes, yeah, I was under duress, but I still chose those things. I still committed to things I could have backed out of, knowing they would hurt people.

And there's nothing I can say that will guarantee you won't hate me for my source actions. There shouldn't be. If you don't get to decide whether or not you forgive someone, that's not forgiveness. But I figure I should start with this: I'm sorry.

Back than, I never really apologized. An apology means admitting you were wrong, admitting you hurt people. It means baring your soul. It means going "do you forgive me," and with real forgiveness there's always the possibility of a no. That's the point. Being vulnerable. And that scared me.

I was a master of the sunk cost fallacy. I got so used to picking the lesser evil that I refused to acknowledge it was still evil, and than I started defining "lesser evil" as "evil less harmful for me specifically." I guess you can probably see where that went.

They say the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. I'll be more specific: road to Hell is paved with self-righteous conviction, and the refusal to admit you're doing the wrong thing, and the need to convince yourself of your good intentions.

Anger is like a fire; it needs fuel. I was angry. I was fueled by the desire to hurt the people who'd hurt people. I saw myself as some kind of divine arbitrator of justice. I never let go of grudges, not even after generations. I just fed that fire because I couldn't live with myself if I had to stop and think.

Once I stopped justifying everything, stopped trying to feed that, than I had to stop and think. I realized I was, to put it kindly, a piece of shit. So I tried to be a better person. It was a pain, it was a hard journey, it was trying and trying and trying for something I only half believed was possible.

I had to believe everyone could change, could try, could grow. Because if that wasn't true, than what hope was there for me?

To me, the main thing that keeps people from changing for the better is they don't even try. Whether it's because they think they're doing the right thing, or change isn't possible anymore, et cetera.

Ironically, enough, whether you're capable of redemption has nothing to do with who you are or what you've done. It's whether you think you can change. And doing that might cost you everything, but if you think it's impossible and never even try, than you've already failed.

To any sourcemates reading this: I'm sorry I hurt you. I hope you're happy and safe and this universe is treating you well. I understand if you don't forgive me, or you don't trust me. If you never want to see me again, that's fair too. But one bonus of screaming into the void is that you're not really expecting it to answer, and when it does it's sort of a pleasant surprise.

So if you never want to see me again, block this anon tag and move on with your day. I'll keep on screaming. You keep on living your life. This is a new life and I'm doing my best to change.

And that's all I can do.

So. Yeah. Cheers.

-🐮⌚🌇

#fictionkinfessions #fictive #johngaiusfictive #lockedtombfictive #apology #prevabuse #mod party cat #manipulation cw #death cw #fascism cw

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oonajaeadira · 2 years

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I saw your recent response to javispinkshirt and I wanted to applaud you for treating this situation with kindness. I understand where a lot of creators are coming from right now, but it was nice seeing you handle this with a gentle but firm kindness.

I remember making a dumb mistake online and being canceled for it before being canceled was a thing. I can't speak for everyone, but I think if you had social media as a pre-teen/teen/young adult regardless of how old we are now, we probably made at least one huge fuck up that we learned from. And as much as javispinkshirt's has hurt others with their actions, I really don't think harassment is deserved. They clearly have learned from their mistakes and I think it's time to move on and I hope people can learn to have your kindness moving forward.

The hardest thing about this day in age is being unintentionally ignorant. I think people forget that not every person's intent is malicious, and where feelings are justified, not all actions are. I really hope everyone can get past this and let javispinkshirt learn from their mistakes and move on. No one deserves to be harassed and abused over and over again. Like I said, everyone's feelings are valid, but these actions are not. That's how you lead to suicide and mental health issues.

I really hope people see your message and maybe even this and recognize that a few people letting this person know what they did was wrong and hurtful is enough. Bombarding them over and over won't inspire change, it'll most likely inspire spite and resentment and I don't want anything to escalate more to where people get hurt.

That being said, javispinkshirt, I forgive you. I'm sorry you have to deal with all this bullshit and know that there are still safe places online and in the fandom for you who give second chances. I hope you are able to move on and put this behind you, and I know it's hard right now, but it gets easier as time moves on.

As I was lately discussing with a friend, it seems more and more that a lot of our interactions could do with a little more humility. While javispinkshirt corrected their mistake, I can very much sympathize with Jules' reaction.

It seems like more and more these days, people have a hard time just ...admitting they did wrong. Just owning up to it. If you approach someone and tell them they've done something wrong or hurtful, our society has taught them to fight back, be defensive, win.

In javispinkshirt's case, it sounds like Jules went to them and said, "hey, you're doing wrong and hurt to me and I want you to remedy it." If JPS had said, "I didn't know, I'm sorry, my bad, I'll fix it" right away, feelings wouldn't have been hurt and trust could have instantly been regained.

But it seems like JPS tried to deflect back onto Jules by telling her it was her fault for posting her work where it could get stolen. This shows instant disrespect.

It's a learned reaction. And it's not a good one. But societal molds can be hard to break.

I remember having a conversation with my father when I was little when I learned that convicts can be let out of jail once they serve their time. I asked my dad why we didn't just brand or tattoo criminals so we knew they were criminals. And my father told me, "because everyone needs a chance to prove they can change and be better."

So once cancel culture became a thing I was horrified. Everyone deserves a second chance. I stand by that.

But it helps if people are okay with just being wrong. Being human. Admitting to a mistake. We all make them, every single one of us. We only do more damage when we deflect. It's okay to say "I'm sorry." It's okay to say "I didn't know." It's okay to say "I won't do that again and let me ask questions so I know how to do it right."

And it is the right of the person who has been hurt NOT to give that forgiveness. That is valid.

But, in fact, admitting your fault will find you acceptance and forgiveness so much much faster because it shows care for the other.

Cancel culture became a thing when people stopped acknowledging their mistakes and the hurt they cause. When they defiantly defend themselves, then there is no other action but to shun them. A person who hurts and cannot learn not to hurt...how else can you defend yourself from that? You turn away and warn others not to go near them.

But a person that instantly shows compassion and understanding, listens to the other person and tries to understand how they feel, who does not have to win every situation...that is a person who can easily be forgiven and embraced.

It's hard at first. But it becomes easier with time.

I am sorry there had to be any hurt in this situation at all.

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darksideofclouds · 3 months

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But you know what? This is your loss.

Because I could have given you everything, like love and sweetness and tenderness, someone to care for you, someone not shitty, someone to lift you up when you're down, great experiences. And I'm just talking about those moments. I just know I'm damn awesome for fuck's sake, a little damaged yes, and yeah, of course I've hurt other people too, but I'm only human, and I'm good with that, I can forgive myself.

Sometimes yeah, I consider myself boring and dumb, but when I talk to people close to me they all say I'm fun, that I'm great to be with, that I'm important to them, and I'm sure they mean it, and I choose to believe that because some part of me believes that as well. Accepts that, embraces that. But there's just something on the surface that often doesn't let me enjoy who I am because, I don't know, I want to play it cool or whatever. I should know by now that playing it cool is the uncoolest thing.

So honestly, boy, I think this is your loss. Because you could have someone cool in your life and you just chose not to. And I'm sorry, but if I'm going to be awesome, the least I'll take is people being awesome to me. I cannot accept only crumbs of something barely decent.

Of course you telling me "this is my first time doing/trying/tasting/feeling this" was a fucking shot of dopamine straight to my brain. But that'd mean I'm letting you control my mood and my well-being. That's just so self destructive. I need to get out of here as soon as possible.

I should stop trying to justify your actions in order to make myself feel better about the situation, should stop trying to find a hidden meaning to anything. I must never do that again. I also thought "Wow, who else is he going to tell all of this? I must be so damn special". But I was not, at least not for you.

I don't even think I owe you an apology or explanation. I thought "You know what? let's be clear, I'll explain how this made me feel and why I'm leaving", but when you leave, when you ignore me, when you don't reply, when you just disappear, you won't explain shit to me. Then why should I explain myself to you when you don't explain fucking anything to me.

My only concern right now is myself and my life, and whatever I choose to do with it, not whether somebody is going to see something special in me or not. There are plenty of people who see special shit in me, is it not enough? And yeah, sometimes it is just not enough.

I remember when you used to tell me "sorry for not replying to you, I was busy, had a lot to do at work", and I didn't mind, you know? I know you were busy, I didn't expect you to reply every fucking second, and I told you that, but you explained anyway, and so that made me justify my own illusion another hundred times. But it was one thing out of a thousand. Being sorry for not replying is very average. It was not special, it was not affection, it's just humanity even. I really value myself very poorly, I'm noticing.

When someone is really interested in another person, they will try, they will make the effort, they will make the other notice. Reciprocating is evident, more at this age, when I'm not up for stupidity and carelessness. Are you really going to send mixed signals? Is this what evolution has done to you? It did you such a terrible favor.

God you were such an amazing and irresistible challenge. Sadly, it's over. This will hurt my ego a fucking lot, but you know what? I'm never going back to you.

And to think I only thought you were cute because you looked like my ex boyfriend.

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