aaavoidant

[aaavoidant]

there’s a part of me that wants to be completely and utterly alone. then there’s the other part that desperately clings to anyone i care about. i feel rather pathetic either way.

[aaavoidant]

This is for the people who didn’t party in their teens and twenties. For the people who didn’t have that “coming of age” movie experience with shenanigans and revelations. This is for the people who mostly keep to themselves. Who maybe prefer things to be quieter and gentler. This is for the people who don’t feel like they belong in a culture that values loud parties and flashing lights. I see you. And you are valid.

[aaavoidant]

[aaavoidant]

[aaavoidant]

forgive the person you were before you learned the lesson

[aaavoidant]

I hope y'all get through what you never speak on❤️‍🩹

[aaavoidant]

[aaavoidant]

another fucked up thing abt avpd (n personality disorders generally i think) is how hard it can be to separate rational/healthy thought from disordered thought. am i being kind or am i being self sacrificial? is this something i just shouldn't do around people or am i masking? would this actually be rude or is it normal to other people? sometimes i cannot fucking figure it out

[aaavoidant]

human interaction? cringe. who even needs it (me)

[aaavoidant]

Bojack Horseman. Season 5, Episode 10 Car Crash

[aaavoidant]

1 2 3 . 4 5 6 . 7 8 9

[aaavoidant]

[aaavoidant]

the way people talk about and treat avoidants and schizoids and any other outcast is disgusting. we are not bad people for not fitting in with everyone else or for being different than everyone else. we did not choose this lifestyle, it was forced on us by you, the rest of society. you forced us into a life of isolation and then blame us for being alone.

[aaavoidant]

louise glück, the white series // claude monet, houses in the snow // fyodor dostoyevsky, the gentle spirit // jane o. wayne, with solitude //reddit user artsykate, winter nocturne with lonely road // joseph brodsky, to m.b. // fyodor dostoevsky, poor folk // caspar david friedrich, winter landscape // audre lorde, the cancer journals // mahmoud darwish, memory for forgetfulness

[aaavoidant]

[aaavoidant]

Living with avoidant behaviours means that for you to see me and be able to judge me, good or bad, inherently it means I am trying. Maybe not by yours, but by my standards I am succeeding too.

I don't think people understand how earth shatteringly terrifying it is to look for new jobs or meet new people with a panic disorder or social phobia. It puts me in a mindset where I have to actively remind myself that ending my life to escape the perceived danger is counterproductive, I am that out of my mind with panic. I know it doesn't make sense but knowing that doesn't stop the visceral fear from being so real. I wish people knew I don't want to be this way and I am actively fighting against it at all times even when it looks to others like I'm hiding away. The fact that I am still here, the fact that I answer messages sometimes and visit my family, the fact that I apply for jobs and leave the house to run errands at all is testament to how hard I'm trying.

If I stopped trying and gave in to my default state I would be shrivelled and pasty, dehydrated and sick from being too numb to feed myself, curled half-conscious and unshowered in grimy bed sheets, covered in nervous-picking sores, popping pills or drinking myself into slumber. I would not speak to a soul, not even immediate family. I wouldn't post at all. You would not know I exist.

For you to see me and be able to judge me, inherently means I am trying. Because I'm here and I'm not just awake. I'm the scariest thing I can be - perceivable.

[aaavoidant]

Okay so this has been on my mind forever and now that I actually have somewhat of a platform I’m just gonna come out and say it

BEING NON VERBAL IS NOT AT ALL THE SAME THING AS BEING SELECTIVELY MUTE

You physically cannot just “go non verbal” that’s not how that works in the slightest. To be non verbal is to physically be unable to speak or only being able to slightly speak past the age of 4, it’s not caused by trauma and it isn’t triggered by anything it’s usually caused by development disabilities so it peeves me so so bad when I see people saying that they’re “going to go non verbal” ESPECIALLY as someone who’s own close relative has this disability, it actively affects his daily life and makes things for him so so much harder, I’ve seen him been given so many dirty looks for him not conforming to how “normal people” should act in public and it’s so deeply upsetting. And don’t even get me started on neurotypical people using the term because if I open that can of worms the rest of this will be a long winded rant about how much neurotypical people who don’t care to learn the words they say on their little TikTok pages even mean and I don’t think anyone wants to read that.

I honestly don’t hold it against people for not knowing this because it’s not like public schools educate children on that (even though they really really honestly should) but the moral of this story is that the word you are looking for when you don’t feel comfortable talking or feel unable to talk is selective mutism NOT non verbalism

TL;DR selectively mute ≠ non verbal so please look up the definition of what you’re saying before you go around saying you’re turning non verbal

Any reblogs help to spread the message!!!

I’m keeping this post pinned on my profile for autism acceptance month but you can find my original pinned post here

#this #also sm is an anxiety disorder it’s not a product of autism #autistic people CAN have sm but they don’t always correlate