abcdosaka

[abcdosaka]

i had this fucked up dream last night but it was so funny

basically for some reason i was being forced to give this guy a bj in front of other ppl i think (no clue who it was) and he was like giving me directions bc i’ve never done that before and apparently i was like really bad but personally i think he was just really picky. like he kept criticizing me like stop messing w the foreskin and whatever like ?? i’m literally being as gentle as i can be while trying to apply the right amount of pressure. like i am LITERALLY gagging on your shit as we speak so like chill. and i was so annoyed bc it’s like i didn’t even wanna be in this situation anyway. like i was embarrassed at first but this guy was actually getting my on nerves sooo bad and he wouldn’t cum either like i don’t think either of us were enjoying it. eventually i just had to be like “ok next guy. like you gotta go i can’t work with you man” and i made him leave

[abcdosaka]

watched no doubts coachella set on saturday and i feel the will to live again. i’ll literally do ANYTHING to see them live. like i was considering seeing wheein even tho she’s only touring in like 5 cities all in the states and none of them even in the pnw or mountain states which i can actually go to. but i’ll go anywhere for no doubt. i wanna see gwen live so bad when she started doing the push-ups at the beginning of just a girl i freaked out

well like as long as the ticket is less than $300 and the flight ticket is less than 500 round trip. and accommodations are 200. and in that case i’d really rather it be next year. plus next year is the 30th anniversary i feel like that just makes more sense for them

anyway i’m getting ahead of myself bc i don’t think it’s likely they will tour but if they do i’m ready.

anyway i’m excited for next week i wanna see if their set list changes plus i didn’t actually get to watch them live bc i forgot they were doing coachella

work was also a lot better yesterday

[abcdosaka]

had a pretty hard time at work last week. got my period + i got chewed out by that one guy again (probably the fourth or fifth time by now) bc i didn’t communicate something well. the deadline is next week, which i didn't know about, and he wanted to have this completed last week and now its pushed to monday probably. it was my fault and i’ll admit that. but the truth is i just fucking hate talking to him. if he wasn't so completely intolerable to talk to i wouldn't mind it as much but holy shit. what a seriously hateable guy. i was watching a video earlier today and i got a little annoyed because the person in the video had similar features to the guy.

he always talks over me and doesn't let me finish my thought or question. he does this to everyone it seems worst with the women in the office

he definitely thinks i'm stupid. whenever i ask him a question he's like ok clearly i need to dumb this down for you (not exact phrasing of course but that's basically what he's saying). like no wonder i don't fucking like asking him questions

i feel like he regrets choosing to hire me. i know they wanted to hire someone a bit more experienced and i'm not like i just graduated. but to be quite honest in my interview i fucked up bad like i could barely answer the technical questions but i did express a desire to learn. so idk i feel like that's not really on me

our personalities just don't match at all. honestly i used to try hard to be laidback and able to handle anyone but it just kinda made me a pushover. when i assert myself with this guy he just gets mad. this always happens like every single time i try to assert myself bc i'll admit it, i'm a shy chick, i'm on fucking tumblr so no shit, but i hate hate hate the feeling of being steamrolled over.

his management style/expectations just make very little sense to me. like he's always pointing out stuff i should've done when i'm showing him results. or stuff that i didn't even think was my responsibility. he's kinda all over the place when giving me instructions, he's always skipping steps and then making me feel stupid for not being able to keep up. it gives me such imposter syndrome

all of this combined with the fact that he's super smart makes him pretty intimidating. and the fact that i have to mainly work with him bc he's the only other (specialized in my specific field at the office) is seriously like.... tough shit for me.

i'm not the first person to feel this way. two of the other junior employees said they really didn't like working with him. one of them even said she straight up couldn't deal with him bc he was so mean. she also said that the company is def aware of this but they're not great at responding to it.

the pm i'm doing one project with (which he was kinda supervising) was like yeah he's super intimidating and honestly not a fun guy to work with but he's a hard worker and will work to get stuff done. that's great that he's like the backbone of the company or whatever but that actually makes me a bit more mad. it's like when the patriarch of a family is trash but you can't say anything bc "oh he's holding it together he's the breadwinner". it just feels like it's being held over my head a bit. we couldn't have someone nicer in this position?

worst part is i can't just say he's a shit boss bc he's not wrong. like i said (his favourite words btw), he's chewed me out a lot over my communication skills and i get that i need to improve that but he just really gives me anxiety. plus he's told me good work over some stuff a couple times. (always with a caveat of course lmao). and i haven't been as fast as i know i could be bc i try to figure shit out by myself since i hate asking him questions, end up spinning my wheels and having to ask him anyway, and then he tells me i should be faster. which yes i totally could be if you weren't a piece of shit!

like people don't do things for no reason especially not me. maybe dumb reasons yes but not no reason. and i know what kinda things motivate me to actually thrive in a workplace. that is to say, i vibe with the carrot, i don't with the stick. i dunno i'm normally not super affected by it bc i really don't give a shit if he hates me on a personal level unless it affects my job but (this was on thursday evening when work was ending) prob bc of my period it really got to me this time and i cried on the way home and i was on/off crying yesterday. my eyes were soo puffy it was bad.

idk how long i'll last here. i really do kinda like working here (well i like 3 people and the rest i could take or leave) but i basically uprooted my life to be here. not that i'm mad about that bc i had very few friends back home and living at home was genuinely getting intolerable but it was a big decision. i don't want this to be a sunk cost scenario. but yesterday i was genuinely thinking like is this worth the stress? should i stay here for at least 4 years like i planned or stick it out for a year and get tf out?

i'm gonna try to be stronger and have more confidence bc i don't think he's the most unreasonable person ever. maybe i'll be petty and overcommunicate way too much and like tell him what i'm eating for lunch and shit bc at least it's fighting back somehow instead of being scared. (i'm not actually gonna do that. wish i could) but i'm not sticking around for much longer if things don't change. i just have no idea what to say or how to point it out esp if it's already a known issue. i do sorta feel supported by a couple ppl but...that has never been me, i've never felt strong enough to confront men like that. i guess if i do end up trying to leave, key word trying, i need to be really discerning during interviews. at least i have some leverage since i actually have a job now. as long as i don't lose it.

i was probably really upset bc this has been building up inside me for a while and my anxiety has taken over a lot thanks to him but i don't think its the worst situation to be in considering i'm new and i've only been in the office for like a month now. i just hate that i feel so associated with not meeting deadlines.

i also think i was kinda upset bc this dude is a lot like if my dad wasn't my dad but my boss. my dad is an alright father but if he wasn't personally related to me i wouldn't like him. getting yelled at by my dad was always terrifying for me as a kid so when my pm takes on that annoyed loud speaking tone all the fight in me just dies its embarassing. they're both really critical. neither of them can take a joke especially from a woman. plus they both smell bad like i forgot to mention this but holy moly they smell the exact same and it is MUSTY. oh and they're both asian. different parts of asia but whatever.

anyways like i know i can handle this i literally worked for that bitch karen in highschool and i was even less confident back then. plus i know i'm not stupid i graduated with a degree in this field and did 6 internships.

[abcdosaka]

there was a lot of stuff i told myself i'd never do that i ended up doing. i thought i would never get a driver's license when i was a teenager, i ended up having to. i thought i'd never move to this province and i ended up doing so. it's weird how i change so easily, i guess. i don't know if it's good or bad. i guess bad for everyone else, because i know i'm really non-committal and have no sense of loyalty to any person, place or thing, but good for me maybe? like in terms of money and freedom

[abcdosaka]

i can confirm that learning to drive got rid of all of that stuff for me

"have you learned how to drive yet" i have the spirit of friendship in my heart. the joy of lifes little things in my soul. the whimsy of magic. the beautiful enjoyment of nature. the answer is no though

[abcdosaka]

i'm genuinely obsessed with the sky bison from avatar. everytime they show up on screen i have to replay the scene like 3 times bc i'm so focused on them. especially season 3 there's so many baby bison and they make me wanna cry bc they're just so cute

[abcdosaka]

insane how much free time you have when you wake up early. i woke up at like 5:30 because i always sleep like shit after drinking. i even laid in bed until like 7 and then i got up to have breakfast. i literally spent an hour cooking breakfast (legit just roasting potatoes) bc i was pretty hungry instead of having something quick. the fire alarm went off when i took the potatoes out of the oven luckily i don't think the ppl upstairs were home bc i know their dogs would've gone crazy but it really scared the shit out of me. seems like everything is fine now though.

then i watched korra all morning (around the beginning of season 3), and i was still hungry so i was eating seaweed and more potatoes as time went by. cooked lunch around 11 (which took about an hour or maybe a bit more) and ate. continued watching korra until i finished the season. by then it was still only like 2:30 or 3 so i went for a walk for like 50 minutes to chill out bc seriously, season 3 of tlok is so overwhelming and intense and emotional. then i got home and stretched and meditated for like 20 minutes. i wanna make that a regular hobby. then i did some banking. its STILL only 5 pm just now. and i'm starving btw i don't wanna eat for another hour but i might have a hot chocolate with some warm milk. my mom also prob wants to video call bc i sent her a gift for her bday

drinking makes me crazy hungry like i'm really trying to restore these electrolytes sadly i have no gatorade or anything

[abcdosaka]

i actually really needed a drink tbh. i haven't really felt the absolute joy that i've wanted to feel about how i live alone and how epic and awesome that is until just now. omg i'm actually completely independent thats so cool i love it so much. i'm in a different class of adults now basically.

im drinking some craft cider rn bc i saw it on sale and its actually very good like i'm into it. i like how it doesn't taste like alcohol at all. i haven't drank in a few months i think so even though i've only had half of one i'm already slightly tipsy

i'm actually very into apples lately. i actually have a few in my fridge and today at work i drank an apple cinnamon chamomile tea.

[abcdosaka]

im drinking some craft cider rn bc i saw it on sale and its actually very good like i'm into it. i like how it doesn't taste like alcohol at all. i haven't drank in a few months i think so even though i've only had half of one i'm already slightly tipsy

i'm actually very into apples lately. i actually have a few in my fridge and today at work i drank an apple cinnamon chamomile tea.

[abcdosaka]

i remember like…wow maybe almost 10 years ago? i guess it was like 2014. back then literally every other person on tumblr was a trans man. maybe before that everyone was like asexual biromantic or something? now everyone is a lesbian. well i guess there is a big mix of all of that now but wonder what it’ll be next.

i don’t mean it in an invalidating peoples identities kinda way, although it definitely comes off that way. more like… there’s gonna be a new (or maybe really old) identity surging soon that everyone wants to claim on tumblr specifically. like i never saw a single post relating to lesbians until maybe like 2017 and now it’s like half my dash, and i’m talking big posts too. like nobody on here cared what butch and femme and all that meant until it really became a thing. it’s kinda weird though, i feel like since tumblr is popular with…well, afab people i guess, it seems like we kinda covered everything under that assignment already? but i also think something new will pop up soon though. people are weird and creative enough.

also wow, it’s literally only 11 pm, 30-45 minutes past when i normally go to bed and i’m about to collapse like my head hurts writing this post. i feel like it’s a side effect from the edible i took yesterday but that was more than 24 hours ago it really shouldn’t have any effect now… maybe it’s just the power of a regular sleep schedule

[abcdosaka]

i think yesterday morning i had a dream that the whole house was shaking like it might collapse. i’m pretty certain it didn’t happen in reality and it was just my body shaking but i woke up right after and everything seemed fine like there was no cracks. i remember i was too cozy even though i was scared so i was rationalizing it to myself like “well it’s probably the house just settling or something”. when i woke up properly i was like whoa if the house really did collapse i’m screwed. to be fair though, i think i was physically shaking unconsciously, not the actual house. i'm pretty sure this is like the second time i've had this dream in this house too

i totally forgot about this but im pretty sure i had sleep paralysis at some point in the past few weeks. like that has never happened to me before. or maybe i dreamed about having sleep paralysis? but is that just sleep paralysis?

anyway i def feel like i saw the hat man and i was like 'is this dude gonna touch me' like that's literally all i remember. oh and i had this really intense pressure on my chest too like it was hard to breathe bc there was so much pressure

[abcdosaka]

i totally forgot about this but im pretty sure i had sleep paralysis at some point in the past few weeks. like that has never happened to me before. or maybe i dreamed about having sleep paralysis? but is that just sleep paralysis?

anyway i def feel like i saw the hat man and i was like 'is this dude gonna touch me' like that's literally all i remember. oh and i had this really intense pressure on my chest too like it was hard to breathe bc there was so much pressure

[abcdosaka]

life is so cute when you think about it. why are we miserable

#oh real #i just watched 30 minutes of cooking youtube and im like. i need to be someones lesbian housewife #and like make cute cakes and decorate the house or whatever

[abcdosaka]

i feel like this was kinda a long time coming but it definitely feels weird to write it down.

having a weird time trying to, i guess, 'solve' my sex life and kinda by extension love life and reconcile it with having an actual relationship with my family. the hilarious part is the thing that brought this on was me shopping for toys lmao. this post is like half sex half depression.

like i was browsing dildos bc i wanna try to experience penetration for once without clenching up like a vise grip like i wanna try to learn to enjoy it bc ngl im getting a bit of fomo of all the other girlies out there. and also ive never really had the opportunity to kinda explore different things sexually like maybe i was just afraid but now that im basically financially independent its like i want to try. the same way i tried last year but this time i dont feel like there's other people or things holding me back. except there kinda is

anyway the entire time i was thinking like wait isnt this kinda like analogous to a man's penis? yeah no shit but its the realistic ones specifically that get me. i'm like wait i really do not like that. it really shoves in your face that like this is a MALE sex organ (which ya ik gender and sex is not real but for all intents and purposes in this case, it’s male). and its weird its like my brain kinda gets that im a lesbian but there's a disconnect with my body somewhere. like ok i know there's a huge thing about this and its like stepping on a minefield but just for me personally. i never thought i had a strong genital preference specifically like i always thought well, i like boobs and i like pussy and if i'm like watching porn or whatever and a dick pops up im like cool fine that is an object thats not a human. sorry to anyone i dehumanized just now. but its not like i HATE dick i think its alright sometimes even great but is it something i want inside me? idk. not really. especially not face to face with a man its just disturbing idk.

but point is im still kinda mentally in denial somewhere like my brain thinks theres some deep trauma or problem or bias against men that needs to be solved so that i can like men. but ive never been through a trauma like that. and obviously im well aware i am a little sexist like i dont vibe well with men. is that why? like i don't like the idea of having to have a relationship with a man bc i need to feel superior somehow? or maybe not superior but just not inferior. like its just more equal between women. yeah i think thats maybe it. but i feel like thats not just it. i also feel like theres some biologic instinct that turns me off to them. or maybe its nature vs nurture and ive nurtured myself so hard that im like well i can't like men now. the weird part about that is that i'd think it should be the other way around. like how straight incels will be like god i wish i was gay but i can't help being attracted to women. its a question ive been trying to solve for a decade and maybe i already know the answer but idk how to feel solid about it

anyway i saw one that was so cute it was like a bunch of pink hearts but its way too girthy. plus it was like $55 which is just. its probably normal for dildo prices that arent the microplastics shein ones but also like seriously. i might wait for if it goes on sale if i think ill like it after i try a smaller one. ill have to order it next week bc i wanna ship it to the post office so theres no chance my upstairs neighbour would get it by accident. but tbh ive experienced enough embarassing things that when i recall them i dont even get embarassed im just numb so i think if that happened itll just go in the numb pile or maybe funny pile.

now to the kinda sad part. how tf do i tell my family? ive always known that im gonna have to tell them sooner or later and id do it after im financially independent but this is the thing in my way that i was talking about. my family is not perfect or even close at all but idk. they kind of are all i got. yeah i have friends but nobody close enough to call in an emergency or whatever. and i feel a bit bad bc they have actually done a lot for me. like the shit before uni was whatever like thats what you do for family but everything they helped me with during uni, even though i hated it, i did need their help. i guess if i had other people to rely on i wouldn't have. but im a really fucking guarded person like i really dont like trusting people like that. at least with my family i believe they wouldn't screw me over bc of something petty. i moved halfway across the country so i could have the sort of privacy i wanted and seems like my mom knows that but i talked to her today and she was like maybe i could come visit in july and i was like alright i guess. but now im like wait so what happens if i start dating.

i actually really dislike that it seems like everyone in my family, extended and all, all of the sudden wants to hang out all the fucking time.

you know i bet they wouldn't even acknowledge it. in which case im not gonna acknowledge that they aren't acknowledging it. like ill just pretend they accept it. i need to make some queer friends here like actually

or maybe it isn't as big a deal as i think it is. i do live pretty far away. wtf are they gonna do from all the way over there lmao. nobody's gonna kill me over it. worst is i probably get disowned or cut off. or ill have to be the villain and cut them off. thatll be interesting

[abcdosaka]

i was taking a #nervous pee today and when i was in the stall one of my pm’s came in and she was crying. i tried my best to cheer her up but idk if i did a good job lol i hope i did but i can be so awkward when it comes to that also she’s kinda like my boss so it’s a bit weird. anyway it also activated my #empath sensibilities and i’ve been on my period this week so i felt kinda emotional and then i got chewed out by another pm for spending too much time on a task but that was gonna happen no matter what bc this guy isn’t satisfied w anything i do and also idk anything and now i’m emotional again. anyway it’s fine bc actually i was the one who went to talk to him so i’m proud of myself for having the courage to do that even though i low key hate him so much.

i’m taking a week off in may no matter what.

[abcdosaka]

i wonder what the psychology behind brown noise is. i turn it on and its like a switch goes in my brain that gets rid of this headache or strain that i didn't know i had. or maybe like i just become more aware of my body. i read a while ago its all pseudoscience but idk, feels tangible to me.

i don't wanna write about work or my personal life right now. its pretty much fine. nice and busy. moving is hard and work was so busy and life at home was just too stressful that i couldn't prepare as much as i'd liked but i already knew all the basics of what i needed for living and cooking has been easier than i remember. thanks to past me for moving like 11 times. it all really got hammered into my brain. it is unfortunate i missed a few large things though. thats the most annoying part of not having a car.

i'm really happy to be living alone. i haven't felt lonely at all. maybe i will in a few weeks but honestly, i'm happy. nobody's here to judge me on how i eat or what i eat or how i clean or cook. nobody's trying to control what i do with my time.

thinking i should get spotify premium again. but ugh its just so annoying that i have to pay $10 now instead of 5. what i really need is a humidifier. you'd think a basement would be moist but because there's a cold snap at the tail end of winter and i guess the way the hvac is set up, the temperature sensor (its like a smart device) says the humidity inside is like 27%. feel like its making me a bit sick.

[abcdosaka]

i live in a basement now. i hate pests other than spiders (of which i only saw one like once when i got the keys a couple weeks ago) but the place is brand new and its furnace is separate from the house upstairs so everything is clean and its not terrible. only one window but idk im not that bothered by it. maybe i will be in a few months

the tenants upstairs have two super loud dogs they bark every time i get back and leave the house. its only been two days but they gotta chill like actually

anyways feels good i can't believe it. i achieved my dream at 23 years old. once i get a car i can really enjoy it but it feels nice. i've wanted this ever since i was a little girl