adhdicted-blog

[adhdicted-blog]

What do I want in one month

A. Not to use porn/cyber/hardcore for 14 days.

b. To stick to my diet and exercises

C. To talk to people I love and I miss

D. To try n think what exactly do I want to do in my profession.

Not too much to ask ha?

‘But If u r addicted to cybe porn, hardcore porn, sexphone and you a overweight so it is very hard. Very hard.

Good luck to me

[adhdicted-blog]

Being high and loosing ground

This weekend was the best, so many friends came to celebrate my short visits in my home town, I was surrounded by love. But, inside, I feel like a rotten fruit. I feel I have wasted my life and have achieved only half or less than my potential.

And always high....alcohol, weed, always stoned that I cannot move, always drunk that cannot walk. Sittting like a sea mammal, hardly walking, hardly moving. A big fat sea mammal - this is what I think of myself.

And I fear. I fear of going back to my addictions. It’s been a few days now, but I can feel it growing inside me. Will I have to have a session tonight? Will I again have to close all the blinds in my house and spend some pressures time on waking of perverted stuff? Will I have to make myself vomit in disgust?

God knows how many times I tried, how many times I failed. Which limb wouldn’t I cut if I knew I could live without my addictions for just a month.

[adhdicted-blog]

Where did it all begin

So when did it all begin?

When did I start to want to run away from society and myself?

I remember browsing dad’s architecture magazines, as a 11-12 yo boy.

Looking through the shiny pictures of big mansions and beautiful houses, i remember then the feeling of wanting to get into one of theses mansions by myself, alone, to watch endless TV and surround myself in luxury. As I approach my 40’s, I realize I have accomplish just that.

The last two months can be summarized of doing just that: traveling throughout hotels and AirBnB’s around Europe for my work, not being at home for months -,I have fulfilled the false prophesy of youth. I hide.

I’m defenetly not an intervert. My work requires the most high social skills and every minute integration. Moreover my work is entertainment, I am mister entertainment per se. But when the i stop working I crawl into the soft bed, I order takeaway, and then....it starts:

I don’t answer calls, I don’t go out, I open my cellphone and don’t stoop for hours, I cyberporn.

To be exact, I just look for hours to talk to others about sex. Not to feel alone. I connect to others on the lowest sexual perversions. I seek the “sick”, I seek the “no limits” and just try n talk to them..I crave for interaction but from the lowest point.

Wired. Contracticton. No energy.

[adhdicted-blog]

Aims fear anxieties

I’m writing because I know I have failed so many times before. If I dont heal at least it will be a way to help other people deal with the same issues. I cannot offer solace or rope or remedy. I can oly offer to share my experiences.

I’ve been to counseling and joined self support groups such as AA or in my case SAA. I’ve done it all, maybe not completed the program. And yet, I feel I haven’t archived my goal. I’m still addicted and the stimulation is just getting higher and higher.

[adhdicted-blog]

Another worthless night

My addiction is entering nearly a third decade.

My hate towards myself is growing and the sense of loosing and missing my life is ggrowing by the minute.

I decided to open this blog, to share my thoughts, ideas, maybe this can help a bit