aforestwitchpancakes

[aforestwitchpancakes]

Redemption

I have come a long way in redeeming myself.

Over the course of April and half of May, I learnt that healing is a constant process of denial, acceptance, doubting, and numbing the pain.

Ever since Franz committed treachery in our relationship, I have learnt to embrace myself more--- as an individual, in my sole entirety.

Betrayal is not a new feeling to me but the context of finding that you can never really know a person all too well has given me an entire different depth of what treachery is.

I think that what scarred me the most is giving my entire trust and self to Franz. I shattered when I read his name on the screenshots that they sent me.

I realized that I never truly knew him at all.

I did not know that he can do such a thing despite everything that he said... despite everything that I believed.

I have my own share of cheating and I appreciate him for choosing to stay and for accepting my flaws. That is why it hit me when he said that he deserves a second chance after everything that I did to him, but still I found him undeserving of it even though he was compassionate with me in the past.

I just cannot undo all of it. It does not make sense to me.

We were happy during my last vacation two weeks before his cheating happened. He was so smooth about it. He could call me and call her at the same day and he would still flash a smile at me and say that he loves me even though he was aware that he was betraying my love and commitment to him.

Six weeks later, here I am. I have accepted the fact that humans are weak and are susceptible to temptation and desire. We agreed to start over and have forgiven each other after almost a continuous streaks of arguing and even losing each other's minds.

However, now that I can finally see a difference in our relationship--- we have become more open and communicative to each other; we have accepted the fact that we have a lot of differences and LOVING each other means compromising to each other's needs and; we are more gentle and kinder to one another--- I feel like I can live alone.

And yes, individuals in a relationship really needs to feel like a separate entity even though they are in a relationship but what I meant is that I almost want to be single, again.

I want to feel how is it like to be loved purely; to be loved as you and you only.

I want to feel how is it to be just yourself--- in your own space, growing and flourishing in every aspect.

But I guess it is true when they said that steady relationships takes a lot of forgiving and patience and that TRUE love comes when the spark is gone and all you do is fight but you still choose to stay because you want to grow with THAT person, and you want the future to happen with THAT person.

But, I have promised to myself that this is the last time that I have sacrificed my mental wellness and self-respect for US. If he is going to cheat again, then it will be my cue to leave. Because I have disciplined myself over the years to not betray him anymore but what he gave me is the total opposite of that one BIG promise that he vowed to me when we started getting serious in our relationship.

I think that with all that pain, self-questioning, self-blaming, and finally accepting that it is not my fault; I think I am strong enough to handle myself in the future if this ever occurs again in our relationship.

Life is really full of surprises, huh?

[aforestwitchpancakes]

Series of Core Memories

The Sounds of Fresh Youth

I cannot recall all the moments that led me to the person I am now.

But my mind is so restless that even the smallest thing or sound that are associated with my core memories can trigger a recollection that has impacted me so much in my youth, I still carry their scent and texture in my heart.

When I accidentally play my songs on shuffle, sometimes, it lands to the songs of Halsey, from her album 'Badlands'. Drive, Strange Love, Roman Holiday, Colors--- they were introduced to me by my first boyfriend during our Senior high. One day, he gave me a present of a hard drive, which contains mixes of albums by Birdy, Halsey, the complete official soundtrack of the film 'The Fault in our Stars', and movies and other songs which he thought I would like.

He was sweet and thoughtful at the time but what I am grateful about is that he introduced me to these artists because he thought I would like them and it turned out that I, do like them, very much.

They became a part of my youth--- the times that I tried very hard to impress my first boyfriend. He used to tease and mock me because my family rarely went out during the summer break while he and his family were always out, hopping from one resort to another.

Feeling bad about myself, I would invite my parents and cousins to go out so that I can later tell my boyfriend the stories of my adventures. It was depressing but it was astonishing how I would listen to Halsey alone at night in my bed and I would feel refreshingly amazing, until I felt like not giving a single fuck on any of his mockery anymore. And my series of joys came smoothly after that. Strolling out on fields, meadows, and rivers with my cousins were the adventures that I got and I cannot possibly trade them for any resort hopping.

The Food of Safety Feelings

When I am alone in our tiny apartment here in Quezon City, I tend to miss home. And by missing home, I would get knots of anxiety and sadness in the pit of my stomach and I would be helpless because nothing can save me from the decision of moving to the big city, which I made all by myself.

Moving here, I originally lived with my aunt, uncle, and cousins until the owner of the house notified us that my cousins and I needed to move and rent an apartment next door, which made me feel more a little out of place.

It seldomly rains here in the big city but one time, I was awakened by the sound of heavily pouring rain. I went outside to stare at the lone tree that is propped beside our neighbor's house, but we can see it because we are renting on the second floor of the building. Its leaves were dancing in the rain and the anger of the downpour tickled my memories back when I was a child--- an elementary schooler who loved taking days off at school due to bad weather.

Our home's area was located near the mountains and the weather there brought us abundant encounters of rainfall. In fact, when the month of June approaches, we would receive downpours of rain literally every early evening. It made me develop my love and affection to rain.

But one time, it was raining all morning that it made elementary schools to cancel the school day to protect the children. The roads were easily flooded by rain due to the lack of large canals that can catch the water. My father was home from abroad that time and my mother is an elementary teacher, so when classes were suspended, she was also given a sweet moment to rest.

I remember how my brother and I changed giddily back to our pajamas and ran to the living room to position ourselves in front of the TV. The water was knee-high outside (I was a child), and the wind was blowing hard, which made the day a perfect moment for hot food.

It was easy to make but it was simply delicious. My mother took out three packets of Lucky Me instant noodles, chicken flavored, out of her pantry and started cooking some heartwarming soup. When she was done cooking, she served my brother and I each a bowl of the steaming instant noodles, with eggs, in the living room while we were watching cartoons.

The strong savory aroma filled the room as we ate to our little hearts' content. Moments later, my father joined us in the living room after he finished checking the condition of our house outside. He and my mother also ate and watched with us while the rain was pouring.

This small memory contributed so much to how I view my family as cozy, safe, and somehow happy as I was growing up. Looking back, we rarely use our living room now as a complete family. My brother and I parted home in search for opportunities and I always try my best to spend time at home from time to time, but those moments are all part of our childhood now and all I can do is to be grateful that such things happened.

[aforestwitchpancakes]

Simple People

I will live in a faraway countryside.

I will have a garden bountiful of dahlias, tulips, roses, and chamomiles.

I won't run out of carrots, sweet potatoes, different kinds of peas, tomatoes, and greens.

I will set a little tea table by this garden of mine, and on it, my husband and I will eat hearty breakfasts and tasty snacks in the afternoon.

The kitchen of my lovely home will always be filled with radiant warmth, laughter, and smell of delicious food.

My husband and I would cook our favorite binagoongan, ginataang laing, sinigang na baboy, sisig, and inabraw. And when time gets good, he'll prepare me some good quality steak, Caesar salad, and Hungarian sausages.

Our children will be loved. Oh, loved so well.

We'll learn how to fix holes and arguments, just like what we're doing now.

We'll enjoy the little things in life. Like fixing up the door handle. Running up to the mall late at night to buy materials for our little one's project due tomorrow. Cleaning up after our dog or cat's vomit. Washing the dishes or folding the laundry.

And when time gets boring, we can pack up our bags and go for a little trip on the beach, on a nearby bigger city, or up in the mountains.

And when we feel like the other person is struggling, we'll hug and hold each other's hand and say... "Don't worry baby, everything's gonna be alright. You'll see."

[aforestwitchpancakes]

When things do not go as it is supposed to be.

What will I do when I start crying about my dreams?

[aforestwitchpancakes]

I am not a happy person.

Sometimes, I wonder if I am the only one who is feeling like this.

Sometimes, I wonder if nobody else feels the same suffering as I do.

I constantly battle with my emotions. I keep pushing them inside my mind, in a teeny tiny box, but when nights get sulky and comfortable, and I am left in my bed with just my thoughts--- all of them get unleashed and starts messing up with my mind and my being.

Right now, I just realized how poor and isolated I am. I live with cousin roommates on a two-bedroom apartment, eat a decent meal when I can, pay my bills, and try to live a little when the budget is not too tight.

I am not ungrateful about it. I know that there are still many people out there who would kill to have what I have right now.

My point is, I just realized how life could be so scary--- and all I have is myself to hold on to.

What am I gonna do 5-10 years later? Am I just supposed to be living off my routine--- work, sleep, eat, and repeat?

I worry if I am ever gonna build my own house, my own home, with my very own garden.

I worry if I am gonna be just an average worker.

I worry for myself.

For the dreams that I wanted to achieve.

For the ambitions that I still want to make.

I worry if I will only ever spend my time working hard for money that won't even give me the happiness.

I worry that I worry too much.

But after all the wailing and the worrying, I think I'll just have to trust the process that God is trying to lay out for me.

[aforestwitchpancakes]

Thoughts on the Train

Come collect the crumbs of your familiarity.

They are laid out in the corners of my room like seeds waiting to be pecked by crows.

Bring them back to Babylon where they belong. Hang them in the gardens of your words and in them, let blossoms bloom.

The lovers we are, are people who will never meet again--- whose scents lingered and slowly vanished from the imprints of the mind.

Your t-shirts I wear, but it is you whom I do not recognize anymore.

The kids we will be having are better without us.

The plans we made are better to be built by somebody else.

The home we will make is now forever lost in paradise.

And the dog that we got will forever long for my presence--- but I know that you will take care of her.

Now, I understand what you meant when you told me to not seek and chase for your shadows. Because now, I also want you to forget and let me run away.

I sought for truth and in loneliness I found it. I was lucky that you gave up first because when you were ready to hunt my heart again, I already reached a safe haven on and for my own--- where I was safe and sound.

I was lucky because by leaving me, I realized the beauty of standing on my own feet and how to endure sorrow by seeking laughter and joy in my daily endeavors.

Please don't follow me. Not anymore.

Let me rest and let other people seek me.

The universe granted us a chance, but we we're so wrong by believing that it will always be there.

Although nothing is wasted, the 'YOU AND I' that we've always known is gone and has taken its exit.

MAJR, 2023

[aforestwitchpancakes]

Words.

It is crazy how in this maddening world, words are the most powerful tool that can bring anything back--- to reminisce, to enjoy, or to long for times that are remnants of past.

When I was in college, when my tatay is home from traversing the seas, we would always go out on Sundays to hang out, shop, eat, and to refill our groceries.

We would spend the day in the city and would rush home at 4-6pm so that we would still have time to cook for a hearty meal when the evening comes.

Yesterday, when I was back home in Ilocos Norte to celebrate the holidays, I could not help myself but to reminisce how simple yet so perfect those days were as I was staring into space when the rays of the afternoon sun swayed with the December breeze, filling up Kuya Kidd's room and my nostrils of a scent so endearing from the past that I wanted to go back.

From the back of my mind, I do remember how everybody in the house would yell at each other when 4 pm comes and the back door of the kitchen is open because from it, strong radiant rays of sunlight would enter and would directly hit the freezer, and they were afraid that too much sunlight would affect the device.

But then, we would still be busy cleaning up and packing every grocery and market items in the back kitchen that we cannot close the back door yet.

After cleaning up, Tatay, Nanay, my Kuya (on very rare occasions), Lolo, and I would gather up in the dining area for early evening toasts and coffee while we cooperate in preparing dinner.

That routine was always a family thing every Sunday that my Kuya and I tend to underestimate how to cherish those simple times.

Little did we knew that two-three years later, everything would start to change and that we have to go our own separate ways.

And now that I am sitting on the balcony of Lolo Arsing's house in Quezon City, writing these words from experiences of the past, I am grateful of having indulged myself in the simple, slow, boring days of my youth with my family in the province.

Because they made my life beautiful and I can say that because I won't be here typing these sentiments away if not for them.

[aforestwitchpancakes]

I have to be honest.

I was in the dating site of Facebook because I was feeling lonely after how Franz treated me at the end of our relationship.

In dating sites, most guys are just there for their poor attempt of finding someone whom they could have meaningless sexual intercourse with.

And sometimes, I am the most idiotic person that ever existed on Earth.

So, I met someone. And no, we did not have sex. yet. HAHAHAH

His name is Jacques and I did not expect anything good because I learned to expect all the bad in everything to avoid disappointment.

His approach was cute but I thought that he was a fuckboy because he looked so smug in his photos.

But due to curiosity and the never ending yearning for social engagement made me want to go out with him. And he seemed like a decent and intellectual person.

He is a fourth year Psych student from UST, which is so near here.

We planned to go out on Sunday but my Saturday nights are so motionless so I asked him if he was available that night.

He compromised and said yes.

And as first dates goes, my stomach was full of knots and I felt like puking when I finally saw his car, waiting for me downstairs.

It was my first date, EVER AGAIN, after Franz.

The date went by like a blur. It was a hazy dream. He was fucking perfect. Even too good to be true.

Or maybe because he is so different from all the guys that I have dated before.

He reminded me of Christian but Jacques was more open to me. He liked to kept the conversation going without the intention of sugar coating anything.

He was like a cat.

He listens; talks intellectually and; he is funny. But he is also gentle, graceful, and quiet.

I observed how he demanded that parking guy to get his fucking umbrella from the back of his car and I immediately knew that this was his kind of upbringing.

But no, he was not arrogant nor smug. He was kind and he got this kind of aura that makes you safely open yourself to him.

From my perspective, he was not judgmental and was just cool to be there, sitting on the driver seat, in his car, beside me.

I really got surprised when he told me that my hobby reminded him of his mum. Probably because I have never met somebody else, in real life, who also write their thoughts privately on their personal blog.

I am even fucking ashamed of myself. GOOOOODDDDDDD. I just realized yesterday how humiliating going back to MCDONALD's multiple times just to use their loo, was.

I told him about it and he just laughed it off, which comforted me a bit. Haha

I also like how easy it is to talk with him. Like, he just says the things that are running in my head and I am surprised sometimes because no one has been like this to me than my best friends.

What I like the most about him is how he expresses his intentions just so purely. He said he liked no mind games no more and I could not agree more. He is looking forward to us and I asked him yesterday if he ever thinks that we might fall in love with each other in the future.

He said yes and I thought my brain lagged for a bit upon hearing it.

After hours of talking, we suddenly got silent and I have been observing his body language over the hours.

We were shy of each other because every time that I noticed myself leaning towards him, he leans toward the window. And if he is the one leaning towards me, I lean towards the window because I was shy and nervous every time we get physically close.

I asked him if he wanted to kiss. He said yes but he was shy. And I was laughing and asked why he is shy. He said he's not shy anymore and then he motioned his arms towards me to embrace me for a kiss but I was the one who suddenly refused cowardly because of shame.

He still motioned his arms for a kiss and so, with his arms around me, we slowly touched our lips together.

It was a fucking dream. He tasted good and manly. And that look of wanting more every time I look at him in between kisses was so fucking hot.

I could not prevent myself to moan every time he caressed my body while eating my brains out. We took it backseat but I made it clear that we will not be having sex.

We just laid there comfortably, making out and not being able to get enough of each other's scent and taste.

I loved how he burrowed his face into my chest, just hugging me, and I to him.

I felt really safe.

I also liked how he controlled himself not to have sex with me even though he wanted to taste my pussy while sucking my breasts.

He kissed me on the forehead and motioned me to sit. I believe that respectful men are those who are high-valued and are to be admired.

I went to sleep that night with him on my thoughts and his scent all over me.

He said I smelled really good and that he was craving for my scent all day. Well, I craved for the taste of his lips and his saliva.

I do not know where this relationship will go but I do not want to rush anything yet. I like him a lot but if he wants us to get into an exclusive relationship, then we have to take our time slowly.

I was taken aback also last night when during making out, I asked him if we will ever go out again, and he said "Yes, as long as you're mine now."

I suddenly blurted, "What?", in surprise, and I felt bad because he got conscious of himself.

He straightened himself and processed his thoughts but I asked him, why did we stop? So he leaned in again to continue kissing.

He said that he does not care how fast things could go. As long as we're happy with each other.

And I am.

HAHA

[aforestwitchpancakes]

Trying to rationalize other people's behavior makes me go crazy sometimes.

It weighs over my head and shoulders that it bugs me during my quiet times.

Overly sensitive people like me may be called as overthinkers but it is just the way we are built in this world. And I believe that people like us exist to weigh the good and the bad in others.

The problem is, the feelings never really goes away. It lurks inside of us, whispering that there are different natures of men and that you cannot really control how they act and think, even how desperately you need them to act something that they are not.

Franz messaged me again today. I did not bother to care about his tantrums earlier since I have already accepted the fact that he is a careless, insensitive, and idiotic prick.

But with all this silence around me, I cannot help but to process my feelings.

I cannot deny that there is pain aching inside of me. We used to be so close-- to the point that we nurtured every conversation we had because it was a way to strengthen our connection.

I do not still understand how circumstances and poor judgement could change a person so much. He was asking for help but before he could even open the topic, I refused to give him what he sought.

I believe that he showers his ego every time I give-in into his senseless requests-- like doing his homework (!) (for fuck's sake, I know), or asking for money to buy Katie's needs.

I freakin' lowered my standards for him. MY CLOSE FRIENDS KNOW!

Not to be rudely speaking but I thought that even though he lacked some of my ideal requirements (lol), he was still worth it because he was kind and wise before.

I learned it the hard way that I do not need to lower myself just so we could par each other. I am ashamed of myself because it is just the saddest thing ever--- to lower yourself for a guy!

But then, I never imagined that this guy would still have the guts to treat me poorly!

[aforestwitchpancakes]

ROMANTICS

There is beauty and dread that lies from being a romantic.

Being a romantic is finding beauty in the sunset or feeling ache from the flickering lights of a room high above a building.

Being a romantic is finding sorrow and comfort when you hear an old familiar tune from a classical music. It is like an old friend--- waiting for you to come back.

It is the dawn of thought that every leaf on a bush has its own life--- breathing, kicking, dancing in the wind. And when they trim it, they cry. Because they would not allow them to grow and to sway wildly.

It is preferring to buy second-hand books because they come with a thought that someone else has cherished them before and somehow the book has become a link between you and the past owner; and the emotions that they felt, you are also going to feel.

It is the way how people romanticize loneliness; it is simply depressing, loud, and desperate but also peaceful, solitary, and growth-giving.

It is the soul-searching of the lost and finding meaning in every shell that you see washed up on the beach.

Being romantic is in the tongue of every poet, musician, or writer. It is the mind-boggling of thoughts that cloud the mind when you cannot find a way to express how you feel.

Being a romantic is knowing that being Dracula is spending an eternity watching people you love pass away; that you will stay where you are as you watch the world around you change and move-on; and that you may have learnt how to play every instrument and yet you will still crave for more--- and the craving will never stop as long as you are breathing.

Being a romantic is accepting the fact that people change and when we look at them, they are simply not the person whom we have loved a lifetime ago, and that we need to let them go.

Being a romantic is still finding the best in them even nothing can par the pain that they have caused us. It is simply missing them but having the discipline of not wanting them back.

And when you see them moving-on on their own, being romantic means patting them on their back and thanking them for all the memories that you have made together.

It is enduring the pain of cutting them off your life, knowing that you will never see or get to know the person whom they will become in the future.

And as tears fall down on your face because you see them happy without you, being a romantic means letting the emotions flow through you until they get washed down your system.

And lastly, being a romantic is having the hope that someday, it will be your turn to be truly happy, despite the circumstances.

And I know I will.

[aforestwitchpancakes]

I know that you do not remember but I clearly do.

Do you remember how excited we were when I was finally getting a new place because we could finally have a "home" that both of us could take care of?

I loved how you would stay-in and we would go to the marketplace at dusk. We would cook together and clean after. The night would be spent with endless conversations, laughter, and sex.

How long ago was that? When our problems could still be solved by a single laughter or offering of food?

Now, I don't believe in anything that you plan with me. Cause you always change your mind and is very inconsistent.

Now, all I remember is how cruel you are. How cruel you can be when you finally stop loving me.

Do you remember how we promised each other that we would call every night when I am finally away? Guess what? I've been here in the Metro for a month and three weeks now and you have only called me for three times.

And when I saw from your sister's story that you were the one calling her that night that you were rejecting my calls, I was torn apart.

Do you know how many nights I've cried because I am already feeling irrelevant in your life?

Do you know that when I saw your Facebook post, the one where you were thanking everyone that you won, I made myself believe that I should not take it personally because you only tagged your family.

But in my subconscious mind, I was crushed because it made me realize that we've been together for a year now and you still do not consider me as a family.

And in the first place, we always talked about you joining the political career of your family for many weeks. And you did not even remember me the moment you won.

And every time that you gave me an excuse for all the things that I brought up, I knew that you no longer care.

Do you remember your words? When you said that if I want to break up, then we should just do it. And how you called me 'overreacting' and 'crazy' when I was telling you how I felt in our relationship.

Do you know how scared I am now? because every time that I bring up a problem, you just get angry without any reason and you refuse to talk to me.

I am in the peak of letting go. Because I do not feel a strong connection with you anymore. You would rather go out with your friends and stay up all night with them without even calling me.

I am emotionally tired. Mentally drained. And you would not even ask me how I am.

That is how you love. it sucks.

And I would rather be a closed book than being open to you but you refuse to even try understanding me.

[aforestwitchpancakes]

When things are happening in front of our eyes, we never think that this is probably the last time that it will happen.

Rather, we always think that it will happen again and again since that is where you are in life right now.

But little did we knew that when we were sitting on that soccer field, eating pizza and drinking coke, in the middle of the night with our bodies enjoying the summer midnight breeze is probably gonna be the last time.

My friends and I have drifted apart, busy searching for our own purposes in this world, but when I look up at the sky, I know that they still think of me as I think of them.

And we wonder how they are doing in their lives right now.

When I entered the Batac Campus of MMSU, I really did not know what I was doing there because I was supposed to be at the Laoag campus.

However, I did go with the flow and tried to enjoy the time flashing before my eyes.

I am forever grateful that I was able to make a meaningful and unforgettable college years due to the existence of my friends.

I have very few close friends. Paul, Edmar, Zyra, Deniele, and Allondra. There were friends too. Casmir, CJ, Dominic, and the people at my amazing dorm, Czyril Macay, Alona Jane, Ashley, Eloisa, and of course, May-may.

My world revolved around them. We gave advice to each other about everything--- love, finance, careers, dreams, wins, loses, disappointments, abuses, and harrasments--- practically everything.

What I liked about them is that we shared this kind of energy that felt so real and genuine. We can gauge how much energy each person can give and we were very considerate of that. In short, we shared and spoke the same language in our hearts.

But we also pushed each other to be reckless at times--- WHICH CREATED THE FUN.

I am forever grateful to have met these people at a crucial time in my life.

I had to experience going home at dawn and its not because of drinking or partying at clubs. We were too busy sharing our own understanding of the mysteries of the universe.

We would not feel the time clicking by every time we are out together. We will look at the clock and will be surprised that it is already 4 in the morning.

Thank you MMSU for giving me the best years of my life.

I will always go back to the memories where I felt the most alive.

Now that I think of them, I smile reminiscently like an idiot.

I loved how the gang at the dorm would just storm off at anytime of the day when we get hungry. No car or car, everyone was just happy to be there with each other. We loved walking to McDo and then laughing and hollering in the streets when we go home.

I loved it how we let every intrusive thought catches us and then we would influence the others to go and do that thought--- like going to a night swim even if it means ending up in circles, asking every resort if they are still open because we badly needed to swim, and then we would end up at the beach, with disappointed hearts because it is not allowed to swim anymore due to the time.

I loved how someone would just miss the beach and then we would call everyone we know so that we can have a car to go. HAHAHA. I swear, every beach that we went to, we have left a fucking incredible time.

I loved how my other gang at the school would collab with my dorm gang and we would go anywhere together, laughing at each other like we have known one another for years--- free concerts (like literally any free concert, even if its been put up by a high school, HAHAHA), short tours and picnics up north, and even just crashing each other's dorms to eat or lie on the bed, doing nothing.

I loved how boring we are too. We were the type of people who did not find happiness with alcohol alone and so we were conscious of the things that we were allowing to happen.

My school gang and I loved arranging small picnics at our school grounds, near the fields where the breeze is cold and nonstop. We would spend the day there after our classes, just lying on the cold floor, piled up with pine needles and cones--- talking, laughing, and just being our boring selves.

I loved how open we were about our situations, to the point that we would cry due to the other person's revelations or situations.

I loved every time that we spent at the MMSU's cafe--- the one and only--- Caunayan 7/11. HAHAH.

Hours and hours and hours of talking there would not still be enough even if we just bought a single ice cream or a box of crackers and junk food to eat.

I loved how Paul and I made many meaningful conversations there about life, which made us cry or laugh, and even disappointed.

Actually, I consider Paul as my best friend. I feel safe and confident talking to him every time, even if we haven't talked in weeks. Because I know that he has my back at any situation, as I have his.

In this whole wide world, aside from my parents and brother, I believe that he is the person who could save me from a bullet or would even take a whack for my back.

I am grateful for having people who engaged my mind and tickled me with questions in life. Zyra, Edmar, Paul, Deniele, and Allondra shared that energy with me.

Like when we spent that midnight at the university soccer ground. After having a conversation over pizza and coke, we wandered around the school pool and field like delinquents who did not know how to go home. HAHAHHA

We were talking about every possibility in life and in love. We were so alive that night.

We never knew that that would turn into just one of those memories that we will cherish as long as we live.

Thank God for letting me meet people who made me into this. Because they encouraged me to be brave. To be happy. To be there for myself. To back-up my dreams and just let the world make its route.

Because that is life. And I am happy that I was a part of theirs.

I know we would meet again and would make new memories.

Because that is what friends do. To be with each other, even just with our hearts.

<3 <3 <3

[aforestwitchpancakes]

Just Like What You've Said

I know you lied.

I know you lie.

When we started dating, you told me that you cannot wait any longer to marry me.

Hugging me in the most intimate way made me feel safe and vulnerable and I might have made you feel the same since it was easy for me to tame and gain your trust.

I remember the crashing of joy inside of me every time you smiled at me during our dates. Your smiles reflected your joy of having me and I was sure of it.

You were so gentle towards me. You broke every trauma that I gained from trusting men too much and you replaced them with a form of love that I haven't seen before.

I love you.

Now, every time that you say it, I can feel the lie within your simple words.

I know. I know because I keep on obsessing for you to show that you care now. Every time that I cry, I wait for you to wipe my tears just like you used to.

When I am doubting, I wait for you to hug me and reassure me that I am the only one and that you are not fading.

Everyday, I wait for you to ask me what I am doing. I wait to see if you will come after me every time I go angry because of the small things that you keep on forgetting to do.

I feel that you don't love me anymore.

I feel it every time that you tell me that if I want to break up, we should just do it.

And you never do it yourself. You keep on hanging around, waiting on me.

And you think it is kind but it is pure cruelty on me.

The anxiety it brings. The pain of thinking what will happen tonight or tomorrow. If things are going to change tonight, tomorrow, or next week.

I am not happy anymore because I feel it in my heart that you are not.

Please, just let me go.

[aforestwitchpancakes]

I have this way of thinking where everything--- events, words, thoughts, human behavior, and human response--- is inclined with a certain feeling subtly conveyed if not straightforward.

Most of the times, I know I tend to overthink but is it my fault that I am made to feel too much?

[aforestwitchpancakes]

THE CHINESE GUY

I do not know why I always tend to "like" the guys who gave me unpleasant first impressions.

I get intimidated by their somewhat overconfident attitude and behavior but then later, I discover that they are actually really intelligent and they start discovering me too, and that's when things get weird and dangerous.

I guess guys like him tend to get attracted to seemingly mysterious people.

It started during the third day of our training. For the day, we were given activities to enhance our public speaking skills and because I came with a Communication degree, I somehow aced the activities without really trying.

For a newbie who was silent during the beginning of the training, they must have assumed that I got nothing on my bag to show.

They were engaged, laughing even, and were really amused by the way I answered that they decided I was a good public speaker with a good vocabulary on my back.

Ching, who was invisible to me as I was to him during the start of the training, started to talk to Kyline positively about me while I could properly hear it.

I looked at him and he was smiling at me, so I tried to converse him into lowering down his expectations of me with a smile painted on my face.

And then he started to borrow my pen, making sure that I can see that big smile and shimmer in his eyes while he talk to me.

He would casually join Kyline and I's conversations and would point to me about a cat named Jessica, which he saw on a stand-up comedy show, and that he is looking forward to show it me.

At the end of that Wednesday, I never talked to him again even though I could see in his body language that he wanted to show me that video desperately. He was sitting two seats from me and when Kyline would go talk to other people, Ching would stay and would face me, while I casually ignore him.

Weirdly, I went home that day with a giggle in my heart and a smile on my face.

Franz and I have been on a rough patch for weeks that day and it felt like I was chasing down an untamed stranger who got loose. Ching, making me realize that I could be liked by just being me brought me different joy.

Contemplating on it, Ching is one of those guys who are intelligent but doesn't know when they are being full of it. That is why I told myself during my first day that he is a guy to be avoided. Because, I have been in a relationship with a guy like him before and it did not end well.

The next day, I decided that it would not be bad to break the ice between us since it felt like we were just waiting on each other. I asked him about that video that he meant to show me.

He got excited and dragged his chair beside me while consistently smiling. While facing me, the first thing that he asked me was my age. I said 22, and he was like, really? I asked why and he said that I sounded and looked more mature than my age. I took it as a compliment because I know that I am an old soul.

I asked him his age and he said that I should guess.

"How long have you been working?"

"I have been working for 7 years."

"Oh, so 28?"

"Could be but a little higher than that."

"30?"

"I am already 31."

We were just smiling at each other like idiots, while realizing in our heads how far our age-gap is.

I liked how old he is. To me, he gave me an aura of a fresh and happy young adult who is agreeable and independent.

"Do you have kids?"

"No. But I have cats."

And then we chatted away, laughing, forgetting that we were already speaking in Tagalog, so we both received a vernacular warning. hahaha

At the end of that day, we would catch ourselves looking and searching for each other's eyes--- in hallways, elevators, and lobbies.

At night, I started to wonder about his thoughts as I drifted off to sleep. But then I remembered about Franz, just because a guy has showed me a little but of interest, it doesn't mean that I would run away with him

To me, Ching is like a dream. I never knew meeting and knowing other people again would be that interesting and euphoric.

Friday. The last day that we were on the same training team. Tonight, I would meet other people again on my designated department. On Friday, the spark was there but we were immensely trying to avoid each other. Maybe he realized that I am too young for him and me talking about law school may have triggered him thinking that we are on different pages in this life.

Finally, he came to me to ask about my scores, expecting that I perfected the tests (which I did not haha), and just for casualty, how tall I was. He apologized for what happened during the time we talked about cats and I said, "No. I had fun that day."

During our break, he was playing Tetris on his laptop and I went to watch him. He was so proud showing me how good he was. hahaha

He ended the game and faced me. We talked about some things in our lives and found out that he is from a rich family living in the societies of BGC and Makati. He did not attend College and is planning to start an apartment business soon--- credits to the "entrepreneurial opportunity" speech I gave the last time.

He lives alone in a condo unit because "things could get rough at home". He has three other siblings and they are helping the last one to get through college since the family business has gotten tough during the pandemic.

He did not say goodbye the last time I saw him. He told Kyline that they should treat each other when they receive their salary and Kyline was freaked out because they are not close. hahah

But that was it.

I know that things do not happen by fate. People make their own realities.

Him, occupying a very brief amount of time in my life, was a refresher to my new life here in the Metro.

Franz and I has patched things up and our relationship has become lighter and a bit happier. I no longer expect big things from him and I have come to a conclusion to let go of the things that I cannot control.

I can easily detach myself.

[aforestwitchpancakes]

The Pain of Growing Up

When they said that everyone are lost at the age of 25, I did not fully comprehend them until I am experiencing it on my own.

I prepared a plan but how could everything take a detour on its own all at once? I am no longer pursuing law school and neither a Masterals Degree anytime soon.

I feel lost like a drifting sail in the middle of an ocean storm. Instead of unravelling the secrets of graduate school, I have found myself packing my luggages--- leaving and leaving and leaving, again and again.

Ever since the transition of my high school life, it is the first time ever again that I feel a drastic and impactful change that is taking over my comfort zone.

When I sent my resume to my present employer and answered all of their questions diligently, I never realized that I would be leaving my province permanently and would ever only come home during the holidays.

I am leaving my pure and innocent dog, who's probably wondering why I left her at a new home after all the time we have spent together. I am leaving the person I love, whom I spent all my days, joys, and tears with. I am leaving my friends who are few and hard to come by. I am leaving my mum, who is already alone at home. And the most painful part, I am now leaving my comfort zone.

I know a long time ago that embracing a big change is really painful but nothing hurts more than being stuck in a place where you feel like you no longer belong and no longer growing.

A hundred of prayers and sought reassurances that I am doing the right thing is never enough to make me feel okay and prepared.

Every step of the way is making my legs shaky and I cannot imagine myself settling down easily in the biggest city of our country, where the only people I know are my cousins.

I hope that I prayed the right prayers and that blessings would come to me in disguise. I wish myself an immense luck and the right spirits.

[aforestwitchpancakes]

A bad day does not mean a bad life.

But why does it feel like the whole world is against me?

I did not realize how simple and light life used to be. At the present, I can't even hardly pull every string of every person, event, and mystery that is barely keeping my sanity.

I wish I did not rush my childhood. I wish I knew back then the importance of enjoying time and the efortlessness of days.

My parents taught me everything that I know but they did not give me a warning that the bigger world would be like this; full of uncertainty, betrayal, loneliness, and cruelty.

And as life is getting hard, here I am at a coffee shop, silently crying my eyes out because nothing in my life seems to go right.

You think that's cliché? Life is full of bullshit--- that is the CLICHé.