allbeyondthemuse

[allbeyondthemuse]

The Infirmary

Part 1

I would not be here today if I had not made a fool of myself. Around me, I see hospital cots and other patients. Some are sicker than others. Waiting. Waiting to be released. Driving me crazy. 

I will not tell you parts of myself that are ugly. The tension inside fumes, forming particles that will not dissipate. The disruption in the field of chaos creates a highway back to the start—square one. I cannot get myself off the elliptical. Yet, with some help, I most certainly will be able to. There is no one out there to share my will and my blood. My choice.

A strange complexion and a twist in my heart. But my eyes sparkle despite the damage. There is something about you that speaks to me. Through all the bullshit, your strength resonates. And I do not mean that in a phony way. You enjoy life. A needle in a haystack. 

Debilitating monotony, staring into the wall, dreaming of wilderness and a safe place called home. It is not my fault I am insane - point blank. 

I start to swallow my sorrow. I begin to feel somewhat whole. The pain has been living inside my body for some time. I woke up drenched in my sadness. I feel heavy. And deep down, I feel empty. My world is bent and post-apocalyptic; somehow, I have transcended, beyond all means, the vicissitudes of the world I have always known. I am lonely. My mind feels strange and otherworldly, like a clock with fourteen hours instead of twelve. 

I have always been an idealist and never much of a thinker. I have the soul of a hummingbird. It humbles me to think that even though my world has fallen apart, gravity has never failed me. Crashing waves of serendipity have now stirred up into a storm. Between God and glory, my mind seems to be drifting apart. There is nothing left to grapple with anymore. I am lost. My nest is a thunderstorm.

I have been alone for far too long, feeling distant and out of place. Only a miracle will pull me out of this deep abyss I have dug for myself. I need somebody to shed some light. I am coiling into the darkness. My cries have become muffled, not that anyone has ever cared enough to listen through the thickness. I am ashamed and out of touch. I have grown overly sensitive; my feelings have grown inwards. Every cranial heartbeat startles me. 

It is challenging to rediscover kindness. I cannot fit the shattered pieces of my heart into the pockets of rehabilitation. But you mold me. You piece me together. And so, I am happy. 

I have not been successful in escaping solitude. The world is a wild adventure I cannot run towards as it floats away like a lost balloon. I have always yearned for something, yet I cannot hold it—only a dream that does not unfold.

Life is a gruesome reality, and I cannot pinpoint the conditions of my misery. I am still meandering, determining where and whom I ought to be. I do not wish to belong in such circumstances. 

Yet, I have never felt a lighter presence. You have defied the boundaries that contain life, and I have reimagined the threads that constitute my world. 

Your presence carries more weight than the conditions that life could ever present. I feel the mortality of the universe. My balloon is still floating somewhere. You are humble, and therefore, so am I.

Lying side by side on metal cots, pain is solely what we bonded over. You are the only one who sees that the dirt under my soul is helping me blossom.

Amidst the storm, a beautifully cradled touch entangles us; no words can describe this. I used to be a needle. People tried to use me for their own purpose—to sew their threads. They felt no shame. I felt useless and haggard. 

Life has been a straightjacket and a marathon. I do not identify as a needle anymore, for I have become weightless. I have always been. 

Life has always been an illusion. 

God will make way for those who believe. Now, my life is a love letter. We have been imagining each other all along. Like turtles, we have been swimming toward each other in a deeper state. It is a meditation. 

The Infirmary is a prophecy.

These are the memories of a happier time. 

[allbeyondthemuse]

2016

“Prey for Control”

I’m all alone again

Kill these pitiful desires

Drown me in my sleep

Wake me up in a dream

I’m broken and torn

But it’ll be all right

I can go to sleep

See you in my dreams

I’m losing control

My aching body settles

For dysfunction and pain

My mind keeps spinning

My head is awake

It hollers my thoughts

Like a rooster crying out

In a shameful bliss

I can’t go to sleep

Suddenly I’m asleep

Keep me down again

This time I’ll try to pray.

“Nobody’s Awake”

I’ll go back to sleep

If you give me your love

I’ll shut the fuck up

If you give me your dove

I’m not really awake

I’m only here to glean

I’ll get up and clean

If you give me your queen

I’m not here to play

Put those cards away

Those cards make me sad

Those blinds make me mad

I’m not here to try

I’m only here to die

I want to be born

I want to be born again.

“The Chief”

I got to fight my demon

Kiss me when I’m dreaming

Let us all get praying

Who are you betraying?

Twist off the hysterical

Let’s all get spiritual

Wash away the past

The past will not last

Watch the birds fly away

They will bring another day

Another day of sorrow

Live like there’s no tomorrow

Hold your head up high

Look up at the sky

The sky will make things right

Go to sleep tonight.

“Survivalist Man”

I long for my distant friends

I pine for my sunken memories

I wonder where I will be

When my life comes to an end

I wonder if my soul will survive

When the world kisses me goodbye

I got a mind that’s damned

I feel as if I am on my last stand

Every day is just the same

I wonder what’s keeping me sane

I wonder if you feel the same

I wonder if you feel my pain.

“Conquer”

Today finally comes to an end

I hope tomorrow will be my friend

I wish I could bend time

Just to see my days rhyme

I wish I could live in the past

To be able to change what’s passed

The nostalgia keeps me awake

I wish every day were a break

I want to take a break from life

To restart and live a life that’s ripe

I wish I could sleep forever,

Dream and conquer my endeavors.