alohahoundour

[alohahoundour]

10/26/17

Honestly, I am not sure where to start. There are so many frustrations in my life that I just feel sad or angry all the time. I feel like I am stuck in the worst of situations. I mostly just lay in bed, sit on the sofa, or cry. I try to leave the house, but the motivation is lacking. I do not have friends anymore, not really anyway. A middle school friend and I occasionally talk, but she is moving forward and living her life, while I sit in bed and rot. My other friends have disappeared as relationships or children have taken over their lives and I lost many friends at the end of my last relationship and after the death of a roommate (which happened rather closely together). The couple of friends who were still around began to fade as we stopped working together and finally sizzled out as my health prevented me from being able to go out.

And let me tell you something, being single and in my 20′s, it is HARD not having friends or people to talk to. I cannot go out by myself often because I do not feel well. I also cannot work and no money means no time out unless someone else foots the bill (primarily my mother). It is beyond frustrating to have no money and no way to bring any in.

I cannot get approved for disability because my doctor will not write me a letter or fill out forms. I cannot work because my doctor says I shouldn’t and my body physically cannot handle it. I literally cannot sit, stand, walk or lay down for extended periods of time. I am always in pain. I feel depressed and anxious all the time. I honestly don’t even really have the social skills to interact with humans who aren’t medical professionals anymore.

My mother pretends to be my friend. But she is not really. The world revolves around her and if you are not doing something to benefit her, you do not love her. Or at least that’s how her brain functions. She is a social person who is good at making friends and talking to others, but she also loves to drink. She is great at making me feel worthless and like everything I feel is in my head - even my physical pain and limitations.

So really, I have no one to talk to. My siblings are too good for me and my parents have brainwashed them that I will only drag them down. Aside from my youngest sister, but she is too little to really converse with and she is in that preteen stage now where she will start to hate me soon as well.

I went to both my physical therapists today. My body is sore and I feel as if I cannot move. I am hungry, but I cannot make it down the stairs to get food and no one will bring me anything to eat. One of my therapists told me that if I give into the pain I will lose my battle and soon will not be able to do anything. But he also dismisses my pain and acts as if I am being dramatic. While he doesn't make me do an exercise if I show pain, I can see in his eyes that he does not believe things are ‘that bad’. And there lies the problem. I am ‘too young to be in pain’ and so people feel they can treat me badly and tell me I am crazy, rather than believing me. Especially because my condition means that what is wrong with me won’t show up in x-rays or MRIs. My other PT believes me, but also tells me that the pain is something I will have to learn to accept.

I don’t know if anyone else has been dismissed by a doctor before, but it is heartbreaking. When you know you are in crippling pain and people tell you you’re crazy, it makes you feel crazy. You have to wonder why no one believes you and you start to doubt yourself... 

[alohahoundour]

Intro

So, I’m not really sure how to go about ‘blogging’, I honestly know nothing about it aside from what you see on TV, but my therapist said it might be a good way for me to get my thoughts and feelings out. You see, I have a hard time communicating with people and talking about things that are happening to me, even with my therapist. So, maybe writing will be a good way for me to start to get things off my chest.

So... I guess I should start my ‘blog’ with an introduction of myself (honestly, I’m not sure if this should be like a diary or like I’m talking to the people of the web, so whatever lol).

I go by Kae. I’m in my mid-twenties. I was forced to move back in with my mom. I have a dog. I like anime and am especially into Pokemon. My heart longs to be somewhere tropical or to see the world (though I currently live somewhere rather cold). I have a few sisters and a brother, though I am the oldest. I wanted to go to college and studied zoology/animal behavior for two years at a university (and I was in a sorority). My health is not the greatest and I have had an obscene number of surgeries and procedures (I spent part of high school in a wheelchair).

I think that covers most of what I feel people should know about me.