amn1011

[amn1011]

Why Tinder Doesn’t Work for Me

I specifically remember the 6th grade. I couldn’t understand myself. And I hated it.

People in the class were starting to like guys and girls, but not me. I didn’t like anyone. And it frustrated me. I lashed out, calling it stupid, and anyone who liked me was an idiot. But in reality, I just didn’t understand.

“What... must it be like to like someone? To love someone? How do people get crushes?” I never could develop one.

So I decided I’d try to force myself to have a crush on someone.

There was this kid in my class that I never once spoke to. So I thought, “Perfect. I’ll try to crush on him!” Every day, I would follow through the motions of a crush. I would look at him during class all the time, force myself to think about him, but nothing. I couldn’t fake my feelings. My heart didn’t skip. I couldn’t feel a fluttery feeling in my stomach. But I continued to pretend. Because pretending was better than admitting the alternative. That I couldn’t like anyone.

8th grade rolled around and by this point, I accepted that I would never like anyone, and it didn’t bother me. I had no desire to be in a relationship with anyone, so why try to force it.

I met a new friend and enjoyed his company. He was a great friend, and he made me laugh during a time when I felt like I had no friends. He got me, understood me. Then I remember one day in math class we were chatting away and the teacher called out to us saying, “how about you get each other’s number and talk outside of my class” the whole class went “Oooo” and a few people said, “they would be good in a relationship.”

Suddenly, my heart fluttered. For the first time, I felt my heart beat in my chest, heat rise to my cheeks. “We-we’re just friends” I muttered.

You don’t know the kind of relief I felt. I understood this feeling that everyone was talking about. Anytime he looked my way, my heart beat louder. When guys liked me, I could never like them back, but... when we were already friends? It’s like my heart opened up.

I figured out the formula, the reason why I couldn’t like anyone. I needed to be friends with them first. I didn’t realize it then, but looking back, there was never a time when I just liked someone out of the blue, I always had to be friends with them first.

Which brings me to now. It explains everything. Why Tinder (or any dating site for that matter) does not work for me. Why I could never bring myself to like anyone online, or anyone I was introduced to. I physically can’t like them. Sure, it’s flattering if they like me and I might be inclined to like pictures of them, but I can never truly, “like them” unless we become friends first. And when you are already in the mindset of wanting a relationship, it never works out that way. It’s why it’s always better to be friends first.

But this is the essence of why I am alone right now. I have this information, I know myself better now, so why. Why am I still lonely? Why can’t I go back to when I didn’t care? Is it sad to say that I would have rather not felt anything than to have been teased this way? To get a glimpse of love, and yet, have it ripped away. To be tortured by it. I was content with being alone. I didn’t mind it. Now, I’m stuck in a cycle. I want to be in a relationship, but I don’t. I can’t seek out a relationship because it doesn’t work.

Pathetic really. That I don’t want a relationship, but I do... but I don’t... but I do.

But I don’t.

[amn1011]

Why I hate Fanfiction

Now before you get out the pitchforks, I should probably clarify. I don’t hate Fanfiction. I actually enjoy reading fanfiction. It’s like getting to see your favorite characters again in another adventure after the main series has already ended. It’s also a lot of fun to imagine what could have been if the show or series you like went another direction or had another ending.

What I hate is the way some Fanfiction is written. Specifically, fanfiction that is needlessly cruel to it’s characters.

I think it’s interesting to take your favorite characters and put them into various situations to explore how that character would react. I have no problem with putting your character through some emotionally and sometimes physically taxing situations. But, there becomes a point when it just becomes too much.

I specifically remember some advice from one of my professors. “There are many tools to use in writing,” he said, “One is to torture the protagonist.” One of the ways you can get your audience to connect to a character is by putting them through something unpleasant. For instance, you write a story about a bad break up, and many people will sympathize with or relate to the character. But, if there is never a bright spot in the story, something that drives the character, or if the character never gets what they want in the end, it can be frustrating for the reader. It’s a risk. And some have taken that risk, but others take it too far.

Take Hamlet for example. He goes through so much throughout the story, and in the end, he gets what he wants, but at the cost of his own life. It’s beautiful in the tragedy because in that way, there is still a bright spot. Just enough torture, but for a point and a purpose that still ends with a resolution.

Most Fanfiction I read does not. Many put characters through needlessly cruel and horrible circumstances to the point that it’s just pure torture to read. A character gets broken up with, their best friend leaves them, their family member dies, they become severely depressed, and to top it all off, their bully beats them up to the point of hospitalization. And every time you think there is a bright spot, it gets ripped away.

I often find myself quitting the story midway feeling upset and frustrated. I start to regret even finding the story to begin with, let alone taking the time to read it. If the character just can’t catch a break, it feels like the author is toying with you; playing with your emotions to the point that you leave the story feeling disgusting and used. Don’t toy with the reader. If it’s going to be a tragedy, make it a tragedy. Don’t just go back and forth with it. You make your readers tired of it, yet wonder why people accuse you of glorifying abuse and depression.

Sure, torture the protagonist, but to make a point and give them the well deserved ending. I’ve read so many fan fictions that make their characters commit suicide, yet the story felt utterly pointless. You don’t get to see why it was important to write this story, other than the opportunity to take a well loved character and torture them before killing them unceremoniously. Is it not more satisfying to see the protagonist overcome adversity? It’s why we love hero movies. It’s why we cheer for the underdog. That’s why we love Titanic, Phantom of the Opera, Star Wars, 7 pounds...

There’s a reason why people turn on beloved shows like The Walking Dead. Because if you don’t give your audience anything to have hope in, you ultimately end up losing or frustrating them. Kill characters for the sake of killing them over and over and over. Give them a little bit of hope, but never resolve anything. And it’s easy to see why so many people were upset by the death of Glenn.

Fanfiction has the unique opportunity to explore topics with well established characters with their personalities already defined. It can be a beautiful display of love and appreciation for those characters while bringing a new story to life. Don’t ruin the genre with cruel and unforgiving stories that serve no really purpose. It’s far better and more satisfying if the character gets to have a better ending.

[amn1011]

Stop Asking Me

Have you ever been talking to someone and not even 20 minutes later they ask you to hang out with them?

For someone like me, this is almost a deal breaker depending on how they respond. This right here is the true test of whether I can see myself dating this person in the future. So their response to my answer almost always is a cue.

Not only am I incredibly shy, but also introverted and terrified of going out with someone I don’t actually know personally. Not to mention, it takes me a long time to actually like anyone. The fact is, it’s always easier if I’m friends with them first. That’s just the way it is.

So when I respond to an invitation with, “Well, I want to get to know you better first before we hang out in person,” I mean what I say.

Most guys react with, “oh okay, I understand.” But as the saying goes, actions speak louder than words. If you truly understood, you would actually wait and stop asking me to hang out. Clearly, if I’m talking to you, I’m interested. I could easily ghost you and never respond again (as I have done to many guys in my past). But I choose to keep talking to you. Why? Because I want to feel comfortable with you; I want to gauge your reaction, test your patience, and get to know you on my terms. Why? Because every guy I’ve ever dated or tried to date wanted me on their terms.

In my mind, all you have to do is wait. Because I will ask you to hang out when I am ready. However, constantly asking me to hang out proves to me that no, you don’t understand. Because if you did, you would stop.

In our society, we are constantly on the move, working on a “timeline” or “schedule” of when things need to take place. And when things don’t happen when you want them to happen, you get impatient. If you don’t have the ability to wait for me while I get to know you better, then I’ve already crossed you off. It’s a deal breaker; an easy way to tell if you are the kind of person I want in my life. Are you going to wait for me if I don’t want a child right away? Or are you going to become impatient and cheat on me? Are you going to be patient when I’ve had a rough day and just want to sleep? Are you going to wait for me if I need some alone time? Because if I’m willing to wait as long as it takes, I’d hope my future boyfriend or husband would be willing to wait too.

If you keep asking me to hang out after I’ve already asked you to wait, I’m not going to even try to get to know you. Patience is important to me in a relationship. Lack of patience is the reason why so many marriages fail, why so many wives get frustrated with their husbands, why husbands can’t understand and become angry and stressed, and why children grow to despise their parents.

Stop asking me. I’ll hang out when I’m ready.

[amn1011]

I Don’t Have the Right...

My cousin has struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts for a few years now. And though he’s slowly getting better, I know there are some days when he struggles.

To take it back to the beginning, we have been close since we were kids. We did everything together. We played games, wrote stories, and always did everything together. As we got older, we still stayed close. He was like a little brother to me. And always protective of me. He even told me that if my boyfriend at the time ever hurt me, he would kick his a** for me. Although we never talked about our feelings, we were always able to tell when the other felt bad. I knew he was struggling. But I couldn’t talk about it, and I knew he couldn’t either. So, I supported him in a way he could appreciate. I listened, I continued to talk to him like nothing was wrong. He always said he hated the way his mom looked at him after she found out he was suicidal. But, he didn’t know what to do. And they didn’t treat him the same. So, I stayed the same. I always joked with him, I always smiled for him, and I always listened.

But, after my break up with my boyfriend, I plunged into a deep depression. Even saying that now is a big step for me. Because I wasn’t willing to put a name to it. I wasn’t willing to label it. And soon, it became less related to my boyfriend, and more related to myself. The break up, was only the trigger. But I was always on the edge. But, despite it all, I never showed it. I always continued to smile. Because I didn’t feel like I had the right. I didn’t have a reason to be sad. I wasn’t sad about the break up anymore. I have a great life, and things in my family were great. So I continued on ignoring my feelings and pushing them down.

On thanksgiving one year, I was joking around with my cousin, as usual:

Him: “How is college going?”

Me: “Ughh I don’t even want to go back. It makes me want to die.”

I froze. That seriously came out of my mouth, to my suicidal cousin. I told him that I wanted to die and I instantly felt time stop.

“Are you serious?” He asked.

“Ah no, it’s just really stressing me out. But things will be better once I start taking classes for my major!” I tried to redirect it.

He didn’t push me. He let it go. And I was careful with my dialogue since that day. But I don’t think he bought my excuse. Deep down, I think he knew. I was somewhat serious. He could see the signs even before I was willing to admit it to myself. At the time, I surprised myself that it slipped out so easily and I never made that mistake again. Because I didn’t have the right.

If my cousin could deal with his depression, I didn’t have the right to struggle with mine. If he didn’t kill himself, I didn’t have the right to even think about killing myself.

But it didn’t stop the thoughts. So often, those thoughts became white noise. I heard it constantly at night. And every time school was about to start, it would get worse. I had barely made it through 4 years and I had planned to go for my Master’s. Year one was the worst of them all. I’ve never struggled with my thoughts more in that one year than I ever had all 4 years of my undergrad. Even now as I’m about to start my second year, the thoughts are in the background. But, I’ve stopped ignoring them. Putting a name to the feelings I have will only help me to get better. To know that things will get better.

I do have the right. I have the right to be helped. I have the right to my emotions. And thanks to my cousin, I know I have the right to lean on my family and friends if I need it. I was there for him, and it was only natural that he would want to be there for me. So here’s to the first step. Reminding myself that yes I do have the right.

[amn1011]

People Looking Through Your Phone

I know I haven’t been on tumblr in a while, but I just wanted to rant and see what you think about this.

Your phone. How do you feel about letting people look through it? Your girlfriend, your siblings, your mom? How do you feel about that?

I am one of those who think that if you don’t want to let people look at your phone, you may have something to hide. But at the same time, what if a friend or relative needed to talk to you about something personal? It may not be anything bad, but it is an issue of privacy. You don’t want to air their junk if your Mother, Girlfriend or Sibling wants to look through your phone.

I believe in total 100 percent honesty. So I will tell them anything they want to know. I will be totally and completely honest with them. I have nothing to hide. But, if it doesn’t involve me or them, I don’t want to air out someone’s issues to someone else. Why? Because I know how I would feel if I entrusted a friend and found out that his mom or girlfriend saw all of my issues.

Now the reason I mainly mention girlfriend is because it’s mostly girls that care about snooping through someone��s phone. I don’t know why that is, but they do. But it’s not that a boyfriend couldn’t be that way with someone, it’s just that the majority of girls like to snoop.

That being said, I am also a girl. Obviously. Lol. But I feel like it is wrong to look through your guy’s phone too because of that issue I mentioned before. I believe that I shouldn’t have to feel like I need to look through a boyfriend or anyone’s phone for that matter because if I truly trust them, I know that nothing bad would be going on. And I can trust him to tell me anything important. I believe that if people come to me for advice, people probably come to him for advice too. So looking at his phone and just so happening to find someone else’s personal information is wrong. Especially if that person felt that they could safely confide in that person knowing that they wouldn’t spread anything.

It’s the principle of the matter. If someone has a private conversation with me, I have to respect their privacy as well. I will tell my boyfriend, mom, sibling, etc., whatever they want to know. I promise to be open with them. I don’t mind if maybe for a bit they want to look through my phone for truth validation. It’s fine. But if after I have consistently told you the truth over and over and have always been 100 percent honest, I don’t feel like that individual should have to snoop through the messages on my phone.

Why? Because it makes me feel like either A) They still don’t trust me, or B) They don’t care how many times I tell them whatever they want to know. They want to find out for themselves.

And that is what gets on my nerves. If I was having doubts about anything in a relationship I may look through my boyfriend’s phone once. And that one time will tell me everything I need to know about that guy and the relationship. But afterwards, I shouldn’t have to do that. If I feel the need to keep doing that, it means I don’t trust them. Or at least in my eyes it does. Some girls are simply nosey and want to know every juicy detail contained in their guy’s or child’s phone. I feel the same way if I were ever to have my own child. I may check their phone once. But if I see that they are honest about everything, I may only check for validation, but if they prove themselves to be honest, I have no need to check their phone. It’s simply a privacy issue not a trust issue. If I don’t trust the guy in the relationship, I shouldn’t be in that relationship. If I don’t trust the child, that’s a whole different story for another time.

Thank you if you actually read through all of that hahaha I know it was kind of long.

If you liked this, do like it so I know to keep writing more on tumblr.

I’ll talk to you later 😉

[amn1011]

How My Break-Up Reverted Me Back to An Aromantic

As a child up until the 7th grade, I had no desire to be with anyone at all. I wanted to be single for the rest of my life. Trust me, I tried to like other guys in my class, but I just didn’t have the ability to form crushes on guys. If you would have asked me then, I would have said that I was Aromantic. Relationships didn’t appeal to me, so I had no intentions of marriage. But, I had several guy friends that I loved and appreciated.

When I was in the 8th grade, I wanted to understand what it meant to feel for a guy. I wanted so badly to experience it. But, even after being in a “relationship” I was only ever “in love” with the idea of having a relationship. I felt like there was something wrong with me. I couldn’t attract guys, and yet, I couldn’t be attracted to them either. I wanted to love, but I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t feel any emotional connections. Two guys later, and I still couldn’t figure out why I always ended up with guys who didn’t treat me well, and I thought maybe that was the cause of my apathy. Maybe my subconscious knew there was something off about them and I was unable to love.

But then… there was him. The man I dedicated my life to for almost 4 years. There was something different. I could feel myself beginning to feel something. All my years of apathy was finally beginning to melt away.

Unfortunately, I fell for something that would have never understood me. Would have never been able to reciprocate my unconditional love. And he would have never been the one for me.

Because while he hid behind the guise of love, he pricked me in the heart at every chance he got. The closer we became, the more my heart ached. And the more I hated love. Love was supposed to make you feel good. But how come everytime I was with him, I only ever felt pain. But, I would have dedicated my life to making his better. I loved him. But the love I had was killing me slowly.

I was getting to the point that I wanted to give up. I almost broke up with him. But I pushed myself. I wanted to be loyal. I wanted to be the best girlfriend to him that I could be. I wanted him to be happy. But in the end, he played me. He cheated on me. He lied to me. He hurt me. He verbally abused me. And yet, I was still willing to look past all of it.

What was wrong with me? Why was I so willing to go through so much pain when he clearly used me? But I forgave him. And thus, the cycle continued. The abuse only flourished. And he broke up with me. Led me on, telling me how he wanted to marry me. Then one week later, he gets together with a girl on the side and marries her within a month.

And yet, I couldn’t hate him. But I couldn’t love either. I realized that after we broke up, I had lost all ability to love.

Except now, things are worse. I would be fine if I had simply reverted back and I wanted nothing more than to be single for the rest of my life. But somehow, he ruined me. Everytime I think about wanting a relationship, my heart immediately turns cold like I suddenly don’t want to put in any effort towards a new relationship.

It’s almost as if I want a relationship, but now, I don’t have the desire to work at it anymore. It’s like part of me just wants to be single, but the other part of me longs to be loved. My Aromantic side is fighting my Romantic side.

And the way things look now, my Aromantic side is winning. Now, all the crushes I once had on people are now nonexistent. It’s like I lost all desire to pursue any relationships.

But, why is it that I long so deeply for that love connection, and yet I am so ruined that I can’t pursue any other relationships?

I get that my ex was a jerk, but why is it that he can have love, while I can no longer feel love? Every time I start to “catch feelings”, my heart immediately shuts down and keeps me from forming attachments. It’s more torturous than if I was still in love with my ex. Even if I wanted to move on and find another guy to love me, the other side of me just wants to be left alone.

I may have been Aromantic before, but now, I’m more like a love-sick Aromantic as I no longer have attractions to anyone except to love itself. I no longer have any desire to be in a relationship ever again. And I could actually be happy with that if I didn’t long to be loved by someone.

My break-up ruined my mentality, but I can’t help but think I’ve done it to myself. And now, I doubt if I’ll ever be able to commit myself to another person again.

I don’t know what’s worse. Having loved, and lost him, or having loved and lost the ability to love.

It’s not that I’m torn up over him. I just want nothing more than to be allowed to love other people.

But at this point, I want nothing to do with relationships.

So, I live in a state of torture between wanting to love and wanting to be alone.

Who’s to say if I’ll ever be broken out of this cycle. But if I am, I’ll be sure to let you know.

[amn1011]

I’m Not Going to Find Love

Let me clarify.

Honestly, I’ve stopped expecting to find love.

People always tell me, “Oh, you are being too hard on yourself. You will find someone one day.” But no. They don’t get it. I’ve already convinced myself that the guy I want to love and the guy who will love me... that guy doesn’t exist. So why waste my time looking for him. Why waste my time feeling sad and lonely because I don’t have someone in my life. Maybe that makes me confident. Maybe that makes me pathetic. Maybe that makes me cold hearted. Yet, contrary to my previous statements, I do want a relationship. I do want someone to love. But I’ve spent too many lonely nights crying and feeling sorry for myself. I’ve spent too many nights agonizing over “What if’s” and “maybe’s.” I want a love that sweeps out of nowhere and changes my life but it just doesn’t exist. It’s a fantasy. I’ve constructed every perfect scenario, every detail, every possible outcome. And no matter how much I wish and hope, they will never exist. A guy will never be able to compete with the man I’ve dreamed at midnight. A guy will never be able to steal my heart the way the man I imagined has.

I have always hated watching trailers for movies before they come out. Why? Because I want to be surprised. To me, watching a trailer is akin to spoilers. I like the thrill of walking into the movie theatre with absolutely no expectations. I figured that it was time that I stop creating the perfect scenarios. I don’t want spoilers. I don’t want high hopes and expectations to ruin anything. And if a man does happen to come along, he might actually have a chance to surprise me.