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anaitm0 · 4 months

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who else is crying

ּ ⟡͡ ִ ☕️ the pretty girl in a coffee shop ۪ ⊹ ֗

word count : 1.5k

pairing : bsf!jude x fem!reader

genre : angst

author’s note : ahh good ol’ unrequited love, the only trope i’ve got first hand experience in🤞🏽

the downpour was relentless that day, the rough pitter patter of rain droplets hitting against the window disrupting the otherwise quiet ambience of the coffee shop that your best friend had pulled you into—a desperate attempt made to escape the rain, though the both of you were half soaked by the time you made it.

“i can’t believe you forgot to bring the umbrella” his words once again brought light to the ongoing conversation you’d both had during the scurry to the coffee shop—about how nonsensical and ridiculous it was for someone to not carry an umbrella in the current weather and it’s gloominess.

“you’re one to speak jude,” you huffed, patting down on your jacket and fixing the strands of your hair the rough blows of wind had messed up. “i wasn’t expecting the rain today, the weather app didn’t say it was gonna—and i was in a hurry!” a hurry to see him and be with him, but of course you don’t admit to that out loud.

“pfft, didn’t i tell you to stop being so dependent on the weather app? look how it’s deceived you now, i recommend you start having a little bit of trust issues” jude snickered, eyes disappearing into little crescents and wrinkling at the corners as he smiled with them—the display of pearly whites adorning his face when he’d grinned at you undoubtedly making your heart skip a couple of beats because he looked so pretty.

jude had always been beautiful—and you liked to remind yourself of all the ways he was. every time you’d think you’ve never seen a sight more beautiful than him—your gaze would meet those brown eyes or see him under the beams casted by the sun; his caramel skin glowing whilst he shoots that pretty smile of his your way and you’d have that very same thought all over again.

fuck, he really was gorgeous.

“well, you could’ve been the one to bring one” you eventually replied, forcing yourself to look away from him and entertaining yourself with the menu board because you weren’t sure for how long you could keep your composure when you felt the whole damn zoo in your tummy—all because of an idiot like him.

jude raised his finger to your forehead—lightly flicking you there as he let out an amused chuckle. “silly girl” your body half froze hearing him call you that—a flush creeping across your cheeks as you slumped your shoulders forward and dipped down your chin, the couple of notifications you’d earlier ignored suddenly appearing to be so very interesting as you thumbed at your phone screen whilst avoiding meeting his gaze.

“you’re gonna get hot chocolate?” thankfully, he didn’t seem to notice how flustered you’ve suddenly become—his focus rather on the menu now as he pondered on what to get.

“obviously, it’s perfect for weather like this.” you muttered, arms wrapping around yourself as it’d started to feel colder now—thanks to the rain.

“heh, i knew it—“ jude briefly turned his head in your direction, the words at the tip of his tongue playful and his tone teasing as he was without a doubt about to start another banter.

oh, typical jude.

but he doesn’t.

instead, his gaze stops in it’s track—and you can immediately tell he’s looking at something. or rather someone. you watched closely, observing the way his pupils dilated; completely unaware of how they were exactly mirroring yours.

you once read somewhere that one’s pupils tend to dilate when they’re in love or experiencing romantic feelings—when they set their eyes on something that peaks their interest.

the taste of bile was strong in the back of your throat as you swallowed hard. jude wasn’t looking at you. he was still staring ahead—in a trance and mesmerized.

you turned your head, following the direction of his gaze—grasping your arms a little tighter around your body in an attempt to embrace yourself closer. you’d wondered if that was a pathetic act you’d taken subconsciously to comfort yourself—half expecting disappointment as your chest caved in on you when your eyes landed upon the girl sitting by the window.

she was gorgeous, and everything that you weren’t.

you felt so fucking guilty for the pang of jealousy that struck you right in the heart and spread into your veins like deadly venom. jude wasn’t yours and he never truly did belong to you—atleast not in the way you longed to have him.

she seemed like the sweetest soul, had the beauty of an angel and an irresistible aura that could pull anyone she’d ever wanted right into her grasp. she dressed elegantly, and though she weren’t dolled up the way you were for jude—she’d still managed to catch his eye. she didn’t even spare him a glance, transfixed on the book in her hands that gave the impression that she was someone intelligent and interesting; two things you did not perceive yourself as.

you hated yourself a little for making stupid comparisons that had you overthinking and feeling more than just a little pathetic when non of this was neither jude nor the girl’s fault. if anyone were to be blamed, it would be you and you alone.

you turned back around, clearing your throat as your eyes met the gaze of the boy behind the counter—whom gave you a welcoming smile as he waited on the both of you to give your orders. “i’ll have a hot chocolate” your voice was what broke jude out of the dazed state he’d slipped into, finally looking away as he shuffled to stand beside you. “uhh, oh man—there’s too many options to choose from,” jude laughed a little, making small talk with the counter boy as he suggested some of the shop’s popular drinks.

you shifted on your feet uncomfortably, staring out the window as you watched the rain pour—the sound of it somewhat relaxing now as it blurred out the chaotic train of thoughts that were running laps around your mind. just pick hot chocolate, you wanted to say, for old time’s sake.

you’d wondered if all those times you’d both shared a cup of hot chocolate meant anything to him the way it meant to you. did he even remember every little thing you’d talked about back then? you doubt he even remembered what you were wearing. the ugliest christmas sweater ever, one that he’d gifted to you a few years back—yet you wore it every single year to follow, treasured and loved it with your whole heart the way you loved him.

“if you don’t mind me asking, do you remember what the pretty girl back there ordered?” your heart broke a little at the mention, fingertips digging into the side of your arms as they’d started to feel a little numb from the cold.

he thought she was pretty—of course he did.

“oh—she’s a regular here and she almost always orders the hazelnut latte. i think that’s a really good choice to go along with” the counter boy replied.

“that so? i’ll have one of that then, i’m sure a pretty lady’s choice wouldn’t disappoint” jude added with a gleeful smile, and you’d wished the ground would swallow you whole then and there.

it was clear as day that he’d developed a little crush on her, that she had your best friend feeling like a lovesick school boy with the way he could not stop smiling and looking in her direction for the rest of the dreadful passing minutes you’d spent in that coffee shop.

you’d always knew that jude would break your heart someday unbeknownst to himself—because falling in love with your best friend was a sin you’d eventually have to pay for. you convinced yourself that this was necessary and that it had to happen so that you could let go of him; but that didn’t mean it hurt any less.

the following weeks, you’d deliberately avoided jude—responding to his texts with rather short replies and making up some excuse whenever he asked if you’d wanted to hang out. because you needed some time to get over it and you knew the more you kept seeing him—the harder it would be to just do that.

however what you couldn’t prepare for was the ultimate heartbreak that came along with having to witness jude with someone else. after a quick trip to your local bookstore, you’d had to walk by that same coffee shop jude and you had gone into whilst seeking shelter from the rain. and as you walked past, you had seen him sitting across from the girl from that day—at the very same window table and it was obvious they were on a date.

you had to gather yourself and keep walking, keep the tears that were ready to spill over at bay because you couldn’t afford to be that pitiful. sooner or later, you had to realise that you’ll never be the pretty girl in the coffee shop in his story.

you’re just his best friend, and it was always meant to stay that way. you can only wonder what it’s like to be loved by him.

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anaitm0 · 4 months

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NERVOUS

levi colwill x fem! reader

warnings: elements of what can be called depression, mention of weed usage, swearing. alot of angst, slight? fluff at the end, if you want to call it that.

author's note: when i first wrote a little death, i didn't think i would write a part 2, but here it is because levi needs to get his shit together. obviously this is inspired by the nbhd's song 'nervous' ,the song's lyrics just resonate sm with this fic it's insane?? anyway i hope i did the song justice and ignore the countless amount of times i just waffled, feeling quite meh abt this.

also this is set during/after the chelsea v brighton match (as it was levi's first goal for chelsea!)

'a little death' can be found here !

it had been months since you last saw him.

months since he had left you alone, whispering a pathetic ‘i’m sorry’ whilst you were half asleep, after saying he wasn’t leaving. months since you had pitifully told him you, in fact, did love him. months since you had blocked his number and all his socials, so he could not contact you in any shape or form. and just last night when you had thought and cried over levi colwill.

you had been so tired. tired of trying to be perfect from him, by attempting to look like all the other girls he fucked, so he’d actually mean the stuff he said while having sex with you, exhaustedly checking the mirror for hours before meeting up with him, just to make sure you looked good. all that just for him to leave you on a high again, just like all the times before and you wanted to break that recurring cycle once and for all.

hence the block.

silly naive old you, fully thinking cutting levi off permanently wouldn’t hurt like a bitch and would help stop thinking about him. in fact it made you think about him more, for the urge to unblock him was always on your fucking mind. you saw him in every number ‘26’ on the house doors and thought about him whenever there was any mention of football, a sport you once so dearly loved. for fuck’s sake, he even crossed your mind whenever the colour blue popped up in front of you: he had driven you insane.

but you knew if you did unblock him, you would fall flat on your face, for nothing good would come out of letting levi colwill back into your life, other than the two hours or so you two spent together every other week, which actually made you feel wanted, even if it was just for the casual reckless sex– especially when he occasionally had said i missed you.

you did try to move on– you really did, but no other person, whether it was a guy or a girl, made you feel like levi made you feel, no one’s lips felt as smooth and as perfect as his, no one’s body fitted to yours like his, no one’s smirk ignited the same flame in you body like his. just no one else was like levi, and that killed you.

obviously, the people around you noticed your very apparent shift in personality and nature, especially your flatmate. the way you no longer went to football matches or went out of your way to talk to friends. the multiple piercings you had gotten and the different hair colour and style (you had read online the best way to get over someone was to change your hair, clearly it had not worked.) your flatmate was particularly curious as to what had happened to you, not that you told them, after all who would believe you if you told them that you used to be an a-list footballer’s fuckbuddy.

still, they were determined to make you all ‘happy again’ as they put it, dragging you out of your room on a friday night, settling the both of you down on the dining table of your little flat, to tell you their impromptu plans they wanted you to partake in. “look,” you started, “i appreciate you’re tryna look out for me and stuff, but literally, i’m not in the mood to do anything over the weekend, i just wanna stay in bed and, dunno, watch netflix or something.”

your flatmate massaged your slouched shoulders, “sweetie, you’re never in the mood for anything, last time when i tried to take you out for bowling, you said the exact same thing, but were you in bed? oh no you weren’t, you were all high on weed, like your eyes were scarily red,” they shuddered, “this time you’re coming out with me whether you like it or not.” you groaned loudly. “no, no, no, don’t groan at me, instead guess where we are going.”

you poured yourself a glass of water; your head was pounding, “i don’t know, like, the cinema?” they shook their head, “um, okay then, shopping?” they shook their head once again, “i don’t fucking know, to hell?” your roommate laughed, “i would sure hope we’re not going to hell, i’ve lived a good life, i dunno about you. think, we’re going to go watch something you love.”

“watch something i love?” you chewed the inside of your cheek, what did you love watching? the first thing that sprung to your mind was levi, the way he took of his shirt, with a smirk on his face, with the hard planes of his back facing you, but your flatmate didn’t know you were head over heels for him. fucking hell your mind screamed at you get a fucking grip, you bitch, you’re so obsessed, he’s probably even forgotten that you exist. “i’m literally stumped,” you said, trying to ignore the voice at the back of your head, “just tell me.”

“my girlfriend got three tickets to watch chelsea’s football match,” they squealed excitedly, “at first i thought we were watching the women’s game, cause, y’know, lauren james and guro reiten are soooooo sexy, but she got the men’s game against brighton for tomorrow instead.” you blinked once, then again, feeling the urge to bang your head against the wall. this could not seriously be happening, “but if it’s just you and your girlfriend, i don’t wanna intrude, y’know i’m an awkward third wheeler.” please accept the excuse, please accept the excuse.

“but we got a ticket just for you. don’t deny that you don’t like chelsea, i’ve seen the number 26 chelsea shirt in the laundry before, i can’t remember the player though, something beginning with ‘c’, i think.” fuck, your flatmate carried on, “besides, our seats are separate, ‘cause we couldn’t get seats together, you’re in the…” you had no clue what section your seat was in, for you had stopped listening, trying to control your breathing instead. how could this be happening? the universe, it seemed, wanted you to think about levi to the maximum level possible because the more you tried to avoid doing the things that reminded you of him, the more those things came up, right in the fucking face.

“helloooo, y/n, are you listening?” your flatmate waved their hand in front of your face with a bemused expression, “i said we have to leave early tomorrow, my girlfriend said there’s train strikes tomorrow, but she doesn’t think it’ll affect fulham broadway, still there’s no harm in avoiding a risk. i need to get going, to see if i have a suitable blue outfit for tomorrow, bub-bye angel, make sure you’re ready.” with a wink your flatmate swivelled around to walk into their room, unknowing leaving you behind with a bundle of heightened nerves and thoughts.

calm down, the little voice was back, he’s not going to see you there, just go and enjoy the game, enjoy a game of football, just ignore him.

but i’ll see him, another voice argued desperately back, and if i see him then i don’t know what i’ll do.

ignore him? you thought feebly, yeah right as if that’s going to work.

why were you even arguing with yourself? of course you were going to go. despite everything, you did love him and if the opportunity presented itself for you to have a quick glance at him, you would gladly take it up. you could deal with the hurt that came with it afterwards.

sighing, you got up, headache unbearable now. turning to your room, you went to do your favourite hobby for the past few weeks: cry over your luck and levi colwill.

…

“that one’s good looking,” your flatmate’s girlfriend exclaimed, pointing to the picture of enzo fernandez outside stamford bridge. the journey was alright, you hadn’t worn the ‘26 colwill’ jersey you had, instead opting for an old drogba one. “he’s fit, but the guy next to him looks absolutely stunning.” you followed your flatmate’s finger as she pointed to a picture of levi, and your heart leaped into your throat; you felt sick. before they could go on for any longer, discussing which player looked the best, hastily you changed the subject, “where am i sitting again?”

“you have the lucky seat, you’re right in front of the pitch,” you gulped, stomach jolting up and down. “okay, i’ll see you after.” your flatmate and their girlfriend exchanged glances, “actually, we were going to the pub afterwards, you’re welcome to join us.” you huffed out a forced laugh, “nah. i’ll go home, i’ll probably be knackered anyway.”

“you sure” you nodded quickly, “okay then, see you tomorrow, the both of us are spending the night out, bye.” you watched as the two of them linked arms, heading off to their designated side of the stadium. you watched them go, slightly forlorn, wondering what it would feel like to be in a loving relationship.

you dragged yourself to your seat, chelsea scarf wrapped tightly around your neck, and the bottom half of your face. there were two minutes till kick-off.

and when levi came onto the pitch, you used all your self-control to not fling yourself at him and burst into tears. he was chewing a piece of gum so hard that even from a distance you could see his well defined, chiselled jawline. a jawline you used to often run the tip of your fingers across, marvelling at how beautiful his face was. focus.

the game had picked up a good rhythm, enzo fernandez scoring the first goal, and all of a sudden you felt great again, remembering your love for the beautiful game, a smile gracing your features for the first time in many months.

and then the last thing you expected happened.

levi scored.

“colwill!” the crowd screamed, the middle-aged man behind you especially loud, “that’s our lad, proper chels.” you stared at levi, who was on the opposite corner of the pitch, watching in awe at the pure elation that was spreading across his face as he ran to celebrate, before stopping, putting his hands up. unaware of it, but your face also matched his, you had forgotten how his smiles always had made your day, a highlight of your terrible week. you missed it.

horrified, you felt tears well in your eyes, quickly you wiped them away, turning your focus away from the forever-present thought about levi. play had moved on and currently brighton were counter-attacking. gilmour kicked the ball out and caicedo chased the ball across the line, picking it up and handing it to levi for a throw-in. “colwill, i bloody love you.” the man behind you screeched, levi turned around with an arrogant grin on his face, but his eyes met your shock-filled one, his eyes widening by the slightest of margins. turning around quickly, he continued the play. “he turned around for me,” the man behind you screamed ecstatically.

you got up from your seat. he saw you, he fucking saw you. you needed to calm down, turning towards the toilet. you really really wanted to finish the game, but the fact he saw you made you just want to run away and bury your face in your pillow, for now he definitely thought you were obsessed, cutting him off but still attending a game he was playing in.

the crowd was extremely loud, notifying you whenever there was a foul, a goal and finally, the end of the match. you had spent the rest of the match in the toilet, scrolling silently on your phone, wondering what the actual fuck was wrong with you. you turned to leave: the match had finished an hour ago, but you wanted to make sure you wouldn’t bump into your flatmate and their girlfriend, for you didn’t fancy talking football at the moment.

it was dark outside now and the streetlights illuminated the streets of fulham, sighing heavily, you turned to a secluded street, where multiple cars were parked. you scrolled your bus app to see what time the bus was coming.

“y/n?” you didn’t have to turn around to recognise the voice, for you had heard this exact voice whisper your name between your thighs multiple times before. you stayed silent. levi had rolled down his window of his car, one hand on the steering wheel, the other hanging out the window. looking up to his face, his expression was indescribable, a mix of many emotions. “um, i can drop you home, if you like.”

“no thanks, levi,” this was the first time you had said his name in months, “i can manage without you.” your voice trembled a little as you turned to walk in the opposite direction to where he was driving, legs feeling wobbly.

“no, please, i’ll drop you off, i want to talk to you anyway. i’ve been wanting to talk to you for such a long time, but you have made it impossible, seeing you’ve blocked me in every way.” levi chewed the inside of his cheek, “i’m saying please.” he added, as if you hadn’t heard the first time.

do it, do it, urged your mind, the worst that can happen is that you’ll fall into that cycle again. legs acting on their own accord, you walked over to the passenger seat, silently settling down next to levi. he turned off the ignition, glancing at you as he did.

“why did you block me?” an incredulous look crossed your face, surely he isn’t that stupid to not know? you stayed quiet, not replying to him. “come on, one minute you were all over me and then i leave to find that the next day when i called you, my number was blocked.” his car was spacious, there was a lot of leg space, allowing your leg to bounce up and down for you were riddled with nerves.

“okay then. we’ll sit in silence.” levi reclined his seat a little, sighing as he did, pulling out his phone to do whatever. the whole situation made your mind go fuzzy; here you were, inches away from levi, someone that you were actively avoiding for the past few months, as if nothing happened. and that stupid git was pretending as if he didn’t know why he was blocked in in the first place. it drove you insane. he drove you insane.

you didn’t know what to do, whether to get out of the car and run far, far away or grab levi by the shoulders, shake him, then kiss him silly. the latter option appealed to you far more. but there was a third option as well, the itch in your throat telling you to scream at him, asking him why it was so hard to love you? it was funny. you would do anything for him, all he had to do was tell you that he at least liked you.

“i know you won’t believe me, but i’ve really missed you,” levi’s voice cut through the silence, you opened your mouth then closed it, scared as to what would escape your lips. you were nervous to speak. biting your lips, you turned to face the window, you opened your mouth again, “you mean you’ve missed shagging me?”

“yeah, that too.” you closed your eyes. some people never change, “but seriously, i haven’t fucked anyone since, well, you blocked me.” you snorted bitterly, “must be a new levi colwill record then, not fucking a girl in four months, wow, i wonder how you manage to keep it in your pants for so long.”

levi laughed, “i didn’t fuck anyone because no one was you.” frowning, for the first time in months you purposely met levi’s eyes, goosebumps erupting as you did. you had forgotten how beautiful they were. “what do you mean by that?” your heart was practically jumping out of your body with your leg shaking uncontrollably now, your breath coming out ragged.

“look, i know i was a big fat cunt to you all those months back and, well, i’ve reflected over myself and i’ve realised that out of every girl i’ve ever talked to you, you were the one that actually like me for being actually me, not for my money, not for my fame, me. and i treated you like shit, i just fuckin’ left you when you told me you loved me, for god sake, do you know how fucked up that is? i completely get why you blocked me, i was just asking you that because i wanted to hear it from you too..”

you were taken aback, whatever you expected him to say, it wasn’t that. “and only after i stopped seeing you, i realised how much i actually really like you and–,” levi didn’t finish his sentence because your lips were on his, they felt soft and euphoric, like an antidote for all the sadness you had felt for the past months. his arms wrapped around your stomach as he kissed you back with the same intensity. you could feel his lips curve into a smile under yours. you pulled back. “today must be your lucky day, first you score your first prem goal, then a kiss from me?” you laughed. he squeezed your hips, “you’re right, it must be.”

he smiled up at you, his thumb stroking your cheek. “i promise i won’t say anything to hurt you anymore.” he whispered, “i’ll show you i’m capable enough for you.” you wrapped your arms around him, hugging him tightly, inhaling his comforting scent. you felt as if your face was about to break from grinning, finally feeling at ease again, no longer nervous. you finally felt happy. "congrats on your goal by the way." your voice was muffled on his shoulder. he laughed softly.

"i'm expecting a proper congratulations later, babes."

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