asthmaticbee

[asthmaticbee]

Far worse, in my opinion, than the famous “he wouldn’t fucking say that” is “he WOULD fucking say that, as part of his facade, but you seem to think he would mean it genuinely”

[asthmaticbee]

[asthmaticbee]

Midnight Pals: Shedding

[mysterious circle of robed figures] JK Rowling: hello children Rowling: i have terrible, bone-chilling newsss Rowling: did you know that india willoughby exisssstsss? Rowling: thiss makess me ssso mad

Rowling: i know you're all ussed to me being ssubtle Rowling: you know, talking about womensss ssafety and all that Rowling: but i'm done with that Rowling: now i enter endgame

Rowling: tonight my rage ssshall fuel my final transssformation Rowling: tonight i sshed my ssskin for the lassst time Rowling: gone will be the resspectable normie lib ssspotted patterning Rowling: henceforth i shall wear banded patterning [puts on arm band]

Rowling: now i sshed my ssskin and obsserve my transformation to full blood purity fascism Helen Joyce: but dark lord! it's too obvious! Joyce: what if the rubes notice? Rowling: just point to that old "wear whatever you want" post and pretend i meant it

Rowling: i'll be right back, gonna go shed a sskin Rowling: now before i leave one lasst directive Rowling: you lot don't do anything ssilly while i'm gone Rowling: you know, anything that would make our entire causse look dumb or anything Joyce: you can count on us, dark lord!

[Rowling exits] Joyce: so Joyce: anyone wanna hear this new fan fic i've been working on Jesse Singal: when does mommy get back

Joyce: so Joyce: so my story has draco/hermione otp, noncon, dubcon, cuckolding, underage, lemon, coffeeshop au, crackfic Kathleen Stock: noooo helen! don't read fanfic! don't you know fanfic turns you trans? Joyce: sorry its a risk i have to take Joyce: for science

Joyce: look, i'm going to scientifically prove that fanfiction turns you trans Joyce: luckily i'm built of stronger stuff Joyce: the rest of you just plug your ears Stock: what about you, helen? Joyce: lash me to the mast

Stock: i've been writing a fan fic too Stock: it's about the love between the Unknown, an evil choclatier who lives in the walls, and this mysteriously sexy lady oompa loompa who everybody loves who is named Stathleen Kock [permaberry, leaking juice, enjoyment, enemies to lovers]

Rowling: ok i'm back Helen Joyce: dark lord! how does it feel to shed your lib skin of plausible deniability to don your extremely online skin of blood purity? Rowling: i feel sstrong! powerful! like a new ssnake! Rowling: i feel like i can sssay Rowling: ALL THE SSSLURSS!!!

Rowling: tinktonk! cricklecrack! boofnoggin! i can sssay them all!!! Rowling: no now mudblood can ssstand in my way! Rowling: doess india willoughby still exissst? Joyce: yes dark lord! Rowling: [coiling in rage] the cheek!!!! the audacity!!!

Rowling: ugh, look at india willoughby, performing feminine joy! Rowling: womanhood isn't about joy! Rowling: true femininity is being miserable all the time, posting and also being banned from seeing your grandchildren

[asthmaticbee]

once again my spotify wrapped is humiliating because it’s just a reflection of what ship i was into this year. “you listened to this song 171 times” yeah it’s because someone wrote it about my blorbos. i thought about blorbos kissing while listening to it. i had to listen to it over and over in order to properly contemplate the kissing. there is no algorithm that can understand my beautiful mind.

[asthmaticbee]

me trying to convince myself that the whole spectrum of human emotions is a good and necessary thing to feel even if its not comfortable while im actively experiencing emotions that make me feel like my bones are being dissolved in acid

[asthmaticbee]

Sometimes you are in the flow of writing, getting somewhere and the next you are five pages deep into google looking at 80s fashion because you'd be damned if your character is wearing something inaccurate.

But now the flow is gone and you go back to staring at Tumblr.

[asthmaticbee]

when something’s kinda rad, but not too rad

[asthmaticbee]

The Israeli cruelty towards Gazans is so abundantly evil. It breaks my heart day after day. CNN needs a gutcheck for moral courage.

[asthmaticbee]

if he was still alive I know in my heart that Terry Pratchett would have done a bit about Igors and Igorinas doing gender confirmation surgery by now. going into a lab full of bubbling vials and picking out a penis from a tank the way you pick a lobster. that one, please. you gotta be careful though because they'll really try to upsell you into getting two or three installed. people going to the clinic as pairs and just having parts swapped out for a discounted rate. maybe you actually just trade brains, that's even easier. Igorth have already been doing that thurgery for thenturieth.

[asthmaticbee]

“Inverness, Capital of the Highlands” by @castlesofscotland on ig .

[asthmaticbee]

Danny walked down his street with both a sense of wonder and dread. Nothing looked like it was supposed to. People were walking around with wierd looking phones in their hands that were all screen and no flip. Where was the number pad? How were they supposed to make calls? Cars looked completely different than what they did just yesterday, and there were many homes and businesses that were new or drastically changed. His own home had looked abandoned, like nobody had lived there for years. Dust and cobwebs covered every surface, and Danny had to put in the security code just to get into the house. Hell, even the lab was locked up. The lab was NEVER locked up. His parents would come and go from it too often to justify locking it. This could only mean one thing.

Somwthing had happened to put the house into Lock Down.

Lock Down mode was a feature the house had never used before, but it was something his parents had repeatedly told them about, especially as the ghost attacks grew more frequent. He input the pass codes and pressed his hand to all the bio-scanners he needed to to get the place running again. The protocol also makes the house attack anyone or anything that tries to enter with extreme violence unless they're a Fenton, so everyone in town knew not to approach the place when it was like this.

He ignored the weird sound of the scanners cleaning his handprints off the machines and the little mechanical arms retreating back into their hatches as he sat down at the family computer and powered it up for what looked like the first time in a century.

Wait.

As it turns out, he was kinda right.

He doesn't remember how it happened, but Danny Fenton has woken up over 200 years in the future.

Numbly, he began looking up the people he knew, Jazz, Tucker and Sam had all lived long, fulfilling lives, doing thier best to keep the search for Danny Fenton alive for decades before finally giving up. Seeing their obituaries was too much for him, and he had to step away for a while. Heck, even Vlad had grown old and passed away.

Which leads to the big question. What had happened? It couldn't have been time travel or else his friends would have been able to go through the Infinite Realms to time travel as well. Between int Infi-map and that stupid booomarang they should have found him by now.

So...what happened?

The good news is that there was now an entire league of superheros who might be able to help him. They even have an emergency and non emergency call number!

[asthmaticbee]

[asthmaticbee]

country boyyyy i love youuuu

[asthmaticbee]

a glimpse into danny's home life

[asthmaticbee]

Dog shows: Hold still. No, more still. Now move your leg. No not like that. Yes the stranger is touching you ignore it. Hold still. Hold STILL ok now walk.

Cat shows: Ooooh baby cute little fuzzy baby baby look at the nice feather toy! Get it! you are such a beautiful kitty can the nice judgy give you a kissy on your widdo head?

[asthmaticbee]

there are so many amazing and powerful benders in atla but what i love about zuko is that whether or not he can use his bending in that moment has zero (0) bearing on how much he’s going to absolutely kick your ass. no bending? that’s fine - he’s got swords. no swords or bending? that’s fine - he’s literally just going to beat you up. if you’re REALLY unlucky then you get all three. as a treat.

[asthmaticbee]

artists... please... think about it...

modern mizu will be the d*ath of me istg