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Exactly 2 years today. Got a doctor checked on me. That was a terrifying day of my life, tbh. 'Twas like 9 months before this very day of the same month(kapoya analyze uy😂) when I started feeling it, inside of me. But I just ignored it knowing I'm feeling healthy y'all though I kept on having episodes the following months(geek). The episodes stopped after the super lockdown I think, and rarely feeling it for the following months. But then somewhere before this month of 2 years ago(samuka sa pag analyze uy🤦) I got a super episode which I decided to see a doctor and checked on me (happy 2 years😂). The results was terrifying and my soul was like wanting to depart from my body(which didn't happen🙈). What I thought was something like just minor stingy but turned out to be the worst of all the worst. Nah! I was muted for the following days, was a bit lost, everything's empty and also the most frightening nightmare happened that totally wrecked my gasping heart. Everything went gray and the thought of me bearing it was totally sane and unacceptable. I decided to get a second opinion but the result's the same. Did my own research and made myself understand everything(this 3 consonant letters, not contagious tho but I'll be bearing it for the rest of my life😣). It's not curable but there is one thing that could stop the sting and episodes. Ek! I'm not into 'it' tho and still not seeing myself with that 'thing'. Due to what happened on those days I quite doubt myself and it was the first time of questioning my worth. That month and that year was the most nerve wracking event of my life. For the thoughts that wasn't heard, tears that was hidden, sleepless nights and I cried without sound like the silence alone is killing me. Every piece of me burst out and burnt down, left alone. Lost my job, distanced myself from my family, totally closed my doors, and I became someone I don't want to be, like someone from my past but more of no vision, was juggling of finding my way back and thinking of ending my life(which I didn't do anyway🥺). No warm hugs, shoulder to lean on, not a tap on my shoulder nor a single comforting words. Saklap! Like every inch of my body and soul was lost.
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Words are better left unsaid, I felt that the real ones respected my silence but I know too well who among the real ones stayed and chose to understand my silence. But those days was the most trustworthy version of myself and no one really knows about it(my decision). Instead I did rise up, smiled and atta girl, gear up the best fitted suit I could ever have, bravery and hope. So it was never enough reason to bend down my knees and give up on my life. As time goes by and years came in my life I did understand everything, fully, being strong isn't enough if you lack passion in everything that you do. Despite every bad words I heard around, the never ending comparison and the head to foot stares jusme I don't care. I'm too tired with everything but I ain't giving a shit on giving up. We ain't cowards! All I know is that I'm doing what I want(with passion, panalo ako dito)coz it's not about how fast or slow I'd reached my destination but its about on how I enjoyed, learned a lot, accepting my flaws, forgiving myself and people, dealing with sudden twists and gaining self-love on my travel. I'm having a lot of fun and making sure I'll never regret my decisions(not rushing things but savoring every moments) and we'll never doubt myself anymore, ever. I am more than enough(says Ma🤗). Got the best support system and respect from my beautiful family and my few friends, this awesome life? dang! got my job and the never ending guidance from Him. So what else could I asked for? Yes, I do still maintain my medication and yakult's highest paid actor rn plus the patience I gained in this journey😉. Looking back and seeing how far I've come makes my heart giddy🙃. Almost halfway there and still picking up the pieces of what's left in me but I know, I'll get there(wherever this life leads me)💯. I'm posting this to appreciate myself for being tough enough in facing the hindrances and getting through procrastinating times. I am and will always be grateful for everything. Yeah, I'm proud of myself. Here's to manifesting for greater life, healing with time, more of being independent, still not growing up🙄but growing old🙈and for a stable and peaceful mind. Cheers to that😉.
11/19/22
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been a while since I dreamed of you baby. we are on a travel and holding hands. our eyes are talking and smiling so sweet. when woke up my tears running down my face. I miss you so much baby
04/17/2022
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been a while since I dreamed of you baby. we are on a travel and holding hands. our eyes are talking and smiling so sweet. when woke up my tears running down my face. I miss you so much baby
04/17/2022
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baby, today's special day for me coz another year added to my life. I read the letter you sent me on this very same day but from previous years. this letter will be the only one I will keep on reading every special day of my life as you alone is my one and great true love. I miss you baby
03/27/2022
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baby, today is another year added to your life and nothing could be more special knowing you grew up into a beautiful and amazing woman. I am more than grateful being part of your life and will always pray for your safety and happiness. baby, you deserve all the sweetest thing in this world and everything that your heart's been praying for. Happiest birthday baby, my sunshine, and will always be my bubbly-cuddly wuba. we may not together anymore but I will never forget your favorites and the little things that makes your heart giddy and butterflies rumbles in your stomach. these are my favorite alien's favorites tho. nah baby, there's no reason to forget any of those. my heart will always love you. my thoughts will always just about you. and my soul will always sing for your name baby. I love you sunshine, forever and always. please always remember that. happy birthday again, baby.
03/17/2022
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baby, I dreamed of you again. You were walking passed me and smiled at me. oh baby, your really is drowning me with those smiles. I miss you so much.
03/15/2022
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I dreamed of you again baby. you were there beside me while I was taking my nap. and when open my eyes you're wearing that sweetest smile. your eyes glitters with joy as you're staring at me. I moved closer to you and gave you my sweetest kiss. you pulled me even closer and whisper sweet words in my ears.
I dunno why I dreamed of you again bit I'm praying your safety and happiness.
03/12/2022
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After watching this movie I remember someone told me about it. Patiently explaining every details and making sure I understood all the words she said. Yes, I was fascinated with the thought that I was able to watch it as she does. Thank you.
-Okja🐷
03/10/2022
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baby, i dreamed of you today.
we were at our house and Ma's showing us on how to cook. you were smiling the whole time and it makes my tummy rumbling like the hoard of butterflies is having festival inside. I feel inlove to those smiles every single time and makes my heart sing out your name.
then I woke up. then tried to sleep again because I want to continue that dream.
and yeah, you're back in my dreams. we were inside my room and you were staring at me with a smile in your eyes. oh how I love you so much baby.
then I woke up with tears in my eyes and a smile on my face and I utter some prayer.
03/04/2022
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