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10/4/2023

Ate normally. Mixed?? Depressive symptoms, suicidal ideation. Not too irritable. A little oversleeping that night.

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7/21/2023

Woke up with nose super stuffy. Was super sleepy. Woke up early. Fell back asleep. Stayed home so was a little productive. Played video games.

About to go to bed. Felt neglected by Daniel because he didn’t want to hug me too much and shooed me away. Went to bathroom to regulate a little, came back. Said something and he didn’t hear me. Triggered me. He kept pushing me and my hear rate went up and I was just telling him to leave me alone. TOld him I was near tears and couldn’t regulate so he dropped it.

Walked off to office to calm down by building some lego. Heart rate is going down now.

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7/20/2023

Slept a little too much. 10:30pm to 8am. But not as wobbly. Can’t recall my dream.

Fidgety all day. Dissociated once. Tried to hold back as much as I could but did end up talking and putting my foot in my mouth once. Learned to take three deep breaths before talking and didn't utilize it. Or I did but still said something I regretted.

Nearly bit myself while talking to the psychiatrist. Super fidgety and agitated. Heart rate was very high as well as anxiety.

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7/19/2023

Slept a full 8 hours. Had extremely vivid dream of going to a destination wedding in Hawaii that we had to river raft too and on the way the raft got stuck in an area full of wasps. And also some creep kept making my minions marrying his in FFXIV.

Am quite wobbly. Feeling foggy. Can’t walk straight. Almost back to the 2nd day on the meds.

Got triggered several more times at group therapy that was coupled with more dissociative episodes. A lot less severe. A lot less suicidal ideation. My stepmom is definitely a trigger.

Felt more normal at home.

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7/18/2023

I got less than 8 hours of sleep but woke up energized. Had a near panic attack when the vanpool lady called to come pick me up. She kept telling me I didn’t need to rush but I panicked and rushed anyways. She said she felt bad. My heart rate was high.

I ate as normal.

In group therapy, elevated heart rate. I spoke to some folks in between and got slightly triggered, thinking they were attacking me or misinterpreting my words. I dissociated slightly in my rebuttal, watching my mouth run on instead of talking about something else I wanted to talk about.

A lot of suicidal ideation. Mostly of external forces killing me. I didn’t daydream for a calm death. At this point, pain is nearly a welcome addition. Visions of my group therapy mates beating me with chairs. Me melting away. Me being buried under dirt. Mauled by bears. Shot. Run over. Hit by a train. I mentioned it to the therapist/caseworker. She was very kind. Told me if I felt I needed to be hospitalized to let her know. Said I might since this sort of mania is getting close to the last time I tried to kill myself. Vivian mentioned drugs shouldn’t take effect until a month later.

Final group was me finally checking in. I did not want to but Vivian encouraged it. The entire time, I think I kept scratching my neck, I sort of noticed. I mostly noticed on the vanpool back home that my neck was hurting and vaguely recalled it. Will ask for more clarification tomorrow.

In group, I spoke about how this was a new diagnosis for me. How I felt lost and confused about what to do. How I had quit my last therapist because she kept pushing me to forgive my stepmom and it triggered me so I quit. How it felt to constantly be pounded with incessant thoughts of suicide. How it was presently one every 10 minutes, and during my last attempt, not even a break in between. But I got angry. Saying how I didn’t want to be a saint. I didn’t want to forgive my abuser. I wanted a chance to be angry and suicidal ideations were almost an escapist fantasy for me back from when I was 3, where I was so stuck and couldn’t think of a way out, so all I could do was wish for death.

I couldn’t stop crying. Several others cried and the room was silent, for a meeting where it was supposed to be about journaling. I felt guilty. Byron spoke up, he was supposed to check in but didn’t, saying he didn’t feel like it now and was uncomfortable. Most likely everyone was dealing with their own demons unrelated to me but I couldn’t help but feel guilty all the same.

After journaling, I couldn’t stop crying, so I went to the bathroom and cried. Thought I was feeling better, went back to group and checked in with Hannah. Maybe all I needed was a breakdown.

Cried at home. It is 8pm. Still have tears.

Have moments of dissociation during the day. Once in group and once with Daniel. When my emotions get high, it’s like I lose control of myself and it scares me. What if I get reduced to that state? I started question if I was even human.

Called the 24/7 hotline for Kaiser. The person on the other line was very helpful, she recommended grounding techniques, which I haven’t practiced in a while since I was getting better. She mentioned she was gonna tell Dr. Hyon. I asked if journaling would be a good idea and she recommended it. As a way to keep track of mood changes and to let Dr. Hyon know.

My heart rate has been elevated all day.

Had another breakdown with Daniel where I just sobbed when he was showing me compassion. I got upset, dissociated again, said some cruel things to him.

About 3 counts of dissociation today. Small bouts. It’s scary.

Going to do a little back journaling.

7/13/2023

Got the risperidone. Started taking it that night. Had been on 100mg of Zoloft for 3 days at that point.

7/14/2023 - Friday

Was extremely unbalanced all day so I didn’t move around much. Also slept for most of it. Felt drowsy and sort of drunk/bouts of vertigo

7/15/2023 - Saturday

Day we went to boiling crab. I was feeling a lot better in terms of balance. Went out and did stuff, we went to boiling crab. I still felt manic. Easily irritable. Easily excited.

7/16/2023 - Sunday

Balance was good. Played video games all day. Elevated heart rate.

7/17/2023.- Monday

First day of PHP. Had the rambling. Had the elevated heart rate. Had the couldn’t shut my mouth and felt like I put my foot in my mouth. Had bouts of dissociation when talking but less so. Did not speak. Generally normal mood aside from elevated state.

To today where I seem easily pushed into a elevated mood state. Am I triggered? Am I getting triggered more easily because of mania? How do they interact? I need to meet with an individual therapist again. Do I go back to Danielle? I will try to email her.

Got sleepy from meds, went to bed. In a relatively good mood. Honestly, kind’ve giddy. Laughed and giggled a lot. Felt almost wrong. Ate as normal. Motivation came back.

Went from outright sobbing at Daniel to being giddy with him modding my steam deck over the span of, like, half an hour. I'm exhausted.

#bipolar 1 #journaling