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bleepbloopbla · 2 years

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Doin everything I can to keep me from reaching out and saying I miss you let’s spend these last few days of this year together. But for what? Christmas was already ruined and then you made it worse by spending it with homeboy. I deleted the picture and i only Looked at it briefly. You looked beautiful. Those big brown eyes and that smile… And of course I noticed you moved My ring to your thumb from the ring finger where it looked so good.& Him holding you close and you looked happy…

I was drunk and my siblings took my phone so I wouldn’t call you. I cried and wished you were home with me. Meanwhile you were with him. It meant nothing so you say and you always say it means nothing but it doesn’t ever look like nothing. & frankly I’m so used to you doing this kind of stuff that I wasn’t at all surprised that you spent Christmas with him. I’m surprised he wasn’t at your Christmas. Unless he was. Which again I wouldn’t be surprised. I’m gone and you let him move right on in. I mean he was already there. It was cramped and I finally budged and left him plenty of room. & I’ve been fighting everything in me over the last year so that I could move past it. I so want to move past whatever that is that y’all have going on but you’ve made it practically impossible with all the bullshit you do with him. With everything that didn’t mean anything but looks wrong and feels wrong. I mean you Take off on a beach getaway. Countless nights in our bed with him probably in his arms. Halloween “with your other friends” & Christmas. Next thing I know it’ll be New Years and Valentine’s Day and another getaway with him. All the things you couldn’t make time for with me you’re gonna do with him and your friends. Just like you’ve been doing. I know that it shouldn’t hurt anymore. Or at least you’d think it hurt less after it being so consistent but it does.

But since you walked out this door It feels different. Idk if it’s me and that it maybe does hurt a little less this time around or if I’m really just numb. I don’t feel angry this time around. Not even a little bit. I know I feel something I just don’t know what yet. Sad bc it’s over. Cause after 8 long years and over half wasting it waiting on someone who doesn’t exist I just wish I could take it back. Sad I didn’t leave the first time around. I could’ve moved back home and figured something else out. And I’d be somewhere else completely in my life. Maybe id be happy. Maybe alone maybe with someone else. Disappointed. In myself for letting you get away with everything. For having such little respect for myself that I tolerated everything. Idk. Different range of emotions I’m sure behind the numbness I feel. Still don’t regret it though. No use in regrets when you csnt change the past. I don’t regret it because at least I can say that I gave you my all. I gave you everything I had and more, and I think besides the stupid part of me that gave more than I had the other part is happy. Happy that I tried and that I tried to work things out. I know I’m not perfect by all means. & I csnt blame the failure of this relationship all on you, but I can say with certainty that 80 % of my actions were just reactions. & for a while I felt crazy. I went crazy and I had crazy thoughts but those were the consequences to all your lies and gaslighting.

I feel different. Have felt different for a while. I accepted that you were gonna lie and I accepted that I was going to find out things but knowing helped me know I wasn’t crazy. I feel way more stable now mentally and physically than I did 7-8 months ago.

I accepted the truth.

So I think about all of this and then remember that I no longer have to deal with your lies. & that im free to move on as are you. & although the thought of that hurts it hurts a lot less. Bc It’s been a long time coming. 6 months into the year I’m gonna be somebody completely different. & you will too. Or you’ll be the same, just with somebody else.

I’m gonna be happier, I’m gonna be more beautiful, I’m gonna be confident, I’m gonna be traveling, I’m gonna be so much better than I’ve been before. & maybe by then I’ll have moved on and let you go. Maybe by then you’ll realize what a fool you were to let me go. Maybe you’ll realize that you really do love me. Or maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll realize this was the best thing to ever happen to you.

Whatever happens I hope I’m happier. Better. & I hope you find whatever it is that you’re missing in your life.

Xoxo

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