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9/26/22
Holy fucking shit I forgot about this account. I donāt use tumblr anymore bc of all the bots and itās not my vibe anymore but as I said before I wish to post more journal entries or life updates on here for myself. Looking back has been crazy. I got diagnosed with bpd this year and looking back on all these entries good lord it makes sense. I am also a lot more humble and less naive than before. But that just comes with age. You donāt feel infinite, unstoppable as you grow older or at least I havenāt. I feel more humbled. I didnāt know shit and I thought I knew so much haha. I still donāt know a whole lot though, and Iām gonna keep fucking up. Iām hoping to get into therapy soon and good god I hope it fixes me. I know thatās not a good way to phrase it but I hope it does. I am miserable. And I would like to continue on with my life. Finish school and get a job to support myself. Get my own place and pay for my own shit. Iām living with olin right now which is fine because heās amazing but yeah. Anyways. Itās 7am and I gotta get some sleep. Lol.
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2017
2017. This year was so good for me. Of course I had my low points and high points, just as everyone. But I feel I grew so much, worked towards and achieved so many personal goals, and overall had a fun year. I was lucky enough to have spent the year with Mikey. Even though we arenāt friends anymore, I am so grateful to have connected with someone so fucking well and had the time of my life going on many adventures with him. The friendship ended as it should have, and I feel it ended on good terms. I hope to revisit that friendship once quite some time has passed, Iām not holding on but rather aware that connections like that are quite rare to come across. If I never see him again thats okay too, I trust whatās meant to happen-will. Aside from that, I thank everyone that came into (an out of) my life in 2017. It wouldnāt have been the same without every single one of you, even if I donāt like you and you were in my life temporarily- thank you. I feel Iāve learned so much from every type of person. The more people I meet, the more I understand people, the more I understand myself, the more I understand everything. Iād say that I entered 2017 feeling sad but hopeful. I was struggling with myself a lot because I had recently gotten out of that unhealthy relationship with nahuel. It was a period of learning how to really love myself. Like really love myself, for real. And surrounding myself with people who were my actual friends and treated me well. I became aware that thereās always an effect with a cause. I realized that spending so much time dating nahuel even though it wasnāt good and I was losing feelingsĀ for him, that it still hit me like a ton of bricks because I had spent so much time with him. Sounds dumb now, but I donāt think a lot of us realize this. I noticed that every thought said internally and out loud, had some effect on me whether it was minimal or not. I learned how to say fuck it- whatās stopping me? and do things that I wanted to do despite if it seemed weird or whatever reason. I learned how to listen as well, listen and give feedback. Iāve learned how to love like I never before have been able to. To realize that everything is connected, people are more alike than different, diversity and cultures should be celebrated, and that every single person on this planet wants the same thing, to be loved. And so I go into 2018, with one goal: put as much love as I can into the world starting with myself. Love love love, with everything Iāve got. Goodbye 2017, a wonderful year it was, hello 2018- a wonderful year it will be. xx -j
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I want to try to journal more on here so that I can easily look back and reflect. I also want to do an end of the year recap on here each year or just updates every few months
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Your purpose in life is not to love yourself but to love being yourself.
If you goal is to love yourself, then your focus is directed inward toward yourself, and you end up constantly watching yourself from the outside, disconnected, trying to summon the ācorrectā feelings towards yourself or fashion yourself into something you can approve of.
If your goal is to love being yourself, then your focus is directed outward towards life, on living and making decisions based on what brings you pleasure and fulfillment.
Be the subject, not the object. It doesnāt matter what you think of yourself. You are experiencing life. Life is not experiencing you.
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when u reach a certain friendship level w me u unlock me sending u posts that fit ur aesthetic/interests. its honestly an entire love language
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I feel like Iām getting closer to ending it all and youāre the only one on my mind
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Ugh god. To be stuck in a shitty living situation during covid. Fuck. I know Iām not the only one out there. Iām so tired. I honestly want my own place at this point. God itās been such a miserable experience living with these people and it will continue to be for the next 2 weeks. I donāt know how Iāll get through it but Iāll have to try. Spend more time at Mollyās I suppose. Cook my meals there. Donāt do laundry until the day before I move. Donāt park in the driveway. Just basically only use my room. Iām so stressed. This is so hard. I donāt want to live here anymore. Everything has been taken from me. Iāve been walked all over, talked down to, taken advantage of. They have the right to do whatever I want, but I have none. They have no fucking clue either. They think they are being reasonable. What cold, egoic, self centered, closed off people I live with. Iām not sure how Iāll remain open after this.
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I donāt think Iāll be living at this house for too long lol
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