blythecreamer

[blythecreamer]

It’s been 45 days since this great adventure started. Wow. It’s been a crazy ride so far. Mental breakdowns, insane cravings, mood swings, crying fits, anxiety. Days where I felt mad weak and days when I felt strong. It’s difficult because I primarily smoked at home and can’t get away from the scene of the crime—especially with COVID. This is definitely one of the hardest things I’ve done. It’s easiest if I set this up by category:

NEEDING / WANTING cigarettes. When I was in rehab, my counselor noted that she knew I was making progress when my language about drinking shifted. I started to say I want vodka instead of i need vodka. I have noticed the exact same thing with cigarettes. I started out with an intense NEED for cigs, like an all consuming need. With every day I move closer to WANT. Another lesson I took home from rehab is DONT ROMANTICIZE ALCOHOL. Same with cigs.

MENTAL MIND FUCK. It can be intense. It’s amazing how your behaviors become so routine you aren’t aware of it. It’s easy to romanticize smoking and only remember the things you enjoyed being a smoker. You sublimate the negatives—the anxiety it created, negative health effects. In terms of cravings, I find that the 14mg patch gives me enough nicotine. The 2mg gum never seems to quench the cravings. They are primarily mental rather than physical. The habits—->mornings with coffee, after meals, when I’m bored, after I clean house, before bed. I am aware of all of these triggers and still think to myself “I’ll just go have a cig.” Even though I know it isn’t an option. I go back to my list of reasons for quitting. I remember I am not just doing this for myself, but for the ones I love. And to have less anxiety in my life, less worry about my health. Fully in control. No longer an addict. It feels great to be a non smoker. I am managing my triggers and cravings more effectively as the days go by. Feeling stronger EVERY DAMN DAY that I go through this process.

MENTAL ILLNESS: there is a very real link between mental illness and addiction. I have to consider the fact that I have bipolar and am trying to kick the hardest drug that there is to quit! The fact that I have a mental illness certainly complicates things. My mood state is of the utmost importance. I have been stable for over a year—no manias no depressions. I still have issues with anxiety but I always work with my therapist to manage these feelings. I have actually reduced my anti anxiety meds significantly during the pandemic. In the midst of everything internal and external I have taken on this new journey full force. Quitting gives me something else to focus on so that the larger issues are put on mute for a little while. This is good for my mental health—to look inward and focus on bettering myself.

SUPPORT SYSTEM: Crucial. Family and friends there to support me in my journey. The most amazing husband in the world, who with his daily postcards/cards has created a little mailbox inside our home. A taste of the old days when we were “dating” across country. Mark is keeping me afloat!

I think I’ve been doing a really good job of managing discomfort. The cravings kill...but no where near the uncomfortable nature of being manic and not being able to settle, feeling like I’m plugged into an electric socket. I’ve learned a lot about strength from being bipolar.

So I am staying busy. Walkies when weather permits. Coloring. Doris. Writing. I’m feeling good today. I remember to focus on the present and not get too ahead of myself. That helps keep my anxiety in check. I’m gonna keep on keeping on. Soon 2 months!!

[blythecreamer]

The next big step...I wasn’t going to announce this to everyone but it’s now 9 days away and I figured I should put it out there. I’m going to try to quit smoking the day after my 45th birthday, November 4th. I am exhilarated and terrified. I know I can do this. I CAN DO THIS. I gave up drinking, I’m almost completely off my highly addictive benzodiazepines—this is the logical next step. I’ve been smoking for over 25 years and have quit twice in the past for a few months. I am so over it. The constant worrying about my health is driving me crazy. Like seriously. The $$ Being a slave to something so toxic. Being out of control. I felt this way about alcohol. When I started thinking about quitting drinking I made lists of the drinks I had, what time, and how much. I’ve been tracking my cigarettes and my daily intake is 12. I’ve been trying to cut this down, fairly unsuccessfully. When I was drinking I didn’t cut down I just stopped the first day of rehab. I might have to do this with cigarettes-go on the patch come the 4th and be done with it. I know I won’t have the support I had going to a rehab/support group, which kept me accountable. But I have a huge group of friends and family supporting me. Past smokers, a friend who is also quitting right now, family and friends who just want the best for me. A therapist that is first and foremost a substance abuse counselor. All of these people will keep me accountable. I have a large support network. I also have all the tools in my toolbox that I learned going through rehab. Understanding the science of addiction—the everyday management of cravings—strategies for replacing drinking with things I enjoy doing. I’ve GOT to keep busy, especially now that Mark is going back to work part time and won’t be here to monitor me. One good thing about being essentially home bound is that I have no way of getting cigs unless Mark gets them for me. I am too scared to walk to 7-11 and I have no car to get anywhere else. It’s the perfect scenario really. I’ve made a list of my triggers—mornings with coffee are the worst. I smoke almost half of my cigarettes before noon. I also smoke after meals. And before bed. I’ve successfully cut this cigarette out. Although I’ve quit before and ultimately went back to smoking, I am a different person now. I have power I’ve never had before. My health is my number one priority. I’ve got to make this change. It’s going to be a difficult journey—perhaps the most difficult one I’ve ever embarked on. But I know I can do it. I have a huge TO DO LIST that I created during rehab. I’ve been thinking about things to add to this list —-> Keep coloring as if your life depends on it (and in this case it does), play Switch, Watch Doris (while wearing Doris’ hat that gives me magical powers), WRITE, WRITE, WRITE in my journal, blog, work on half finished essays, write cards to friends...keep that pen moving, make delicious meals again, work on crafts, GO FOR WALKIES. This last point is CRUCIAL. I’ve not been going for walks with Mark and am scared to go by myself. I HAVE TO OVERCOME THIS FEAR!!!! Most important for me is going to be a routine. Wake up. Alternative drink to coffee. Go for a walk to ward off that morning craving. Take a shower. Do something fun off the list. Write!!! I’ve been diligently keeping a daily journal for the past few months and it keeps me going. Read old journals. Revisit the past. Understand how I felt during the beginning stages of becoming sober. It will give me life, fuel, inspiration. Plan and make dinner. A daily agenda is KEY. I’m researching quit smoking support groups and have enlisted the help of my counselors from rehab. I’m trying to be as well prepared as I can be. I am determined. I am strong. I am resilient. This is the next chapter in my life. I’m overwhelmed and excited. If you’re reading this I’m going to need your support once again!!! I will not let failure drag me down. If it takes me more than one try I will get up again, put on my big girl pants, and keep fighting.

[blythecreamer]

Feeling good!

So Mark went up to Erie Monday for his interview at the Maritime Museum. He should know in 3-4 days, hopefully before the holiday weekend. I really think he’s got a great shot. So I was home alone for three days and instead of being super anxious I had a really nice time by myself. I made sure I woke up every day and took a shower, did something productive then listened to music, colored and binged Ratched which by the way is SO GOOD! I love the film One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest, so a prequel exploring the character of nurse Ratched is really up my alley. I love stories about mental hospitals! The cinematography and use of color is very Hitchcock! Anyhow I had a great three days! Mark has been going in to work intermittently and I am dealing with that pretty well too. Make a list-stick to it. Do fun shit. Do at least one productive thing. Break the day into small chunks that are manageable...I’m doing the work!! I’ve gone to the grocery store twice (yes, crazy Hampden Giant) and got my flu shot at CVS. It feels like a major accomplishment to leave the house and do stuff. I am adjusting to the new normal. My anxiety is in check and I’m only taking between 1/2-1/4 klonny!!! I think I could get off benzodiazepines in the near future!! My sobriety is great. Compared to this time last year, it’s amazing! I rarely think about drinking. My cravings are slim to none. It feels great to have this control! Overall I am feeling really positive about things and am proud of myself for using the tools in my toolbox. I learned a lot in rehab and therapy and I have been implementing these strategies. They really work if you work at them with determination. Practice makes perfect!

[blythecreamer]

Feeling OK today!

Soooooo...things have been going pretty well around here. It was just our 13th wedding anniversary & Mark’s birthday and we had a blast despite the CORN TEEN. That consisted of 2 long weekends we deemed FESTIVAL FEST—in honor of both of those occasions and the adoption of one Poppy cat the day before our anniversary 7 years ago!! We spent quality time together, hung out in the backyard with P.C., binged 📺 and ordered all kinds of different food for delivery!! We had Nepalese, Pizza, Sushi, BBQ, Wings & Deluxe French Fries. It was awesome. My parents came up and brought balloons, Star Wars cupcakes and much love!! ❤️ I’ve been doing pretty well in terms of my anxiety. I went to the grocery store again. Major accomplishment!! My therapist (L.C. from Laguna Beach) has been very impressed with how I’ve been handling things throughout this pandemic. On the anxiety scale (where you answer questions to get an anxiety score) I’ve actually been less anxious than I was pre-COVID. I’m trying to embrace the new normal by challenging myself to leave the house and go into places that make me uncomfortable/anxious. I am proud of myself!!! I’m still anxious, don’t get me wrong, but I am using the tools in my toolbox to maintain. She says I should give myself more credit for pressing on (and doing things like reducing my klonopin so dramatically, considering the situation). Not to toot my own horn, but I am AM proud of myself. At the beginning of all this I thought I’d be agoraphobic. That has not been the case. My anxiety is still GAD on some level—and manifests itself in other ways—like not eating and having frequent nightmares. But I am dealing with it the best that I can. Every now and then (like yesterday) I have a mini meltdown just thinking about the big picture. But I am ok. Every living being in this house is ok. My family is ok. My friends are ok. We are all being as safe as we can be. In other news, Mark applied for a job at the Erie Maritime Museum. I think he has a REALLY good chance. Many of you know that when we moved back to Baltimore I told Mark I was completely opposed to living north of the Mason Dixon line. But I have changed my mind. The pandemic has made both of us realize what is important. Spending time together. No 3 hour a day commute for him. The chance to own our house again. I have three main issues I need to address. My mental health, my sobriety and proximity to my family. In terms of mental health it could be difficult to find both a psychiatrist and a therapist. I had a bad experience with my psychiatrist when we lived in Erie before. But then again I just started over with Riff Raff so I could start again with someone new. And there’s always the Cleveland Clinic. Also we need to consider what would happen if I had an episode of one sort or another (likely hypomania brought on by a stressful move)? What if the long winters drag me down into a depression like they did before?? We have to consider the what if’s. In terms of my sobriety I feel very strong. Like the strongest I’ve felt all along. I drank A LOT when we lived there before, but I was 34 not 44 and I am a much different person now. It was the culture to go to bars and see friends’ bands. Now those friends are settled with kids. I don’t think my sobriety will be tested in the same way. So as far as my family goes, it will be VERY difficult. I rely on them for love, support—they take me to all my appointments. We talk 3 times a day. We see each other frequently. But they are retired and have the free time to come visit. It would be difficult but manageable. I also have a plan for winters! I’ll be a snowbird! I have 2 friends in Florida and I can spend a few weeks at Camp Creamer!! We have workshopped this from every angle. If the opportunity presents itself, the answer is yes. If it doesn’t happen, execute Plan B. Getting out of Baltimore and closer to DC so Mark’s commute isn’t so wretched. So we’ll see. Fingers crossed.

[blythecreamer]

Finally...

I’m writing again. For a long time I felt like there was nothing to say. It often feels like Groundhog Day around here. But actually a lot has been going on. It’s been 19 weeks of quarantine. It’s crazy to think about. I am still very anxious. Still taking only 1/2 klonopin a day (amazing!). But somehow managing my anxiety. Coloring helps me immensely. I do it every day and I feel relaxed, focused on that process only, my mind is still for a few hours. I’ve also started meeting with my therapist twice a week instead of monthly. That has made a world of difference. She pushes me to confront my anxieties and challenge them, taking baby steps. She wants me to move closer to accepting the “new normal.” I have major anxiety about leaving the house. She wants me to take walks without Mark (which I still haven’t done). We haven’t even been going on walks together very much lately. I’ve got to motivate. But I HAVE left the house 8 times!! Once to the dentist, 3 times to the grocery store, twice to Royal Farms, once to get my hair cut, and once to CVS. And CVS wasn’t a quick run—I had to deal with them fucking up one of my prescriptions. I DID IT!! I am amazed!!! Mark and my therapist were so proud! It’s SO crazy going into the grocery store. It’s totally surreal. It’s like you get into this primal mode where you’re just like “grab anything that looks good!!!!” Its crazy. My other main source of anxiety (besides the other larger and most obvious anxiety-me or Mark getting COVID and dying) is about Mark going to work. I worry about him SO MUCH. I am so stressed about how I will manage his return to work. What will I do to fill up me empty days alone? I am afraid I’ll get depressed. It’s so fucking stressful. This has been another issue I’ve been unpacking with my therapist. We are developing some strategies to keep me busy while I’m alone. I’m still freaked the fuck out. So my anxiety is always there-manifesting itself in different ways-at bay some days, perseveration other days. I have chronic nightmares. One minute I’m fine, the next I’m overwhelmed. Things are going ok with my new psychiatrist. She has kept my bipolar/anxiety meds the same-and I can’t really blame her. It seems like a potentially dangerous move to switch things up considering the situation. I feel a bit overmedicated on my antipsychotic but fear I’ll have an episode of some sort or another if I lower my dosage. If I had a hypomanic episode right now i would be SO FUCKED! And even though I need to get off lithium to save my poor kidneys, that 300mg might be keeping me stable. As far as the klonopin goes I am kind of in a shitty place. She wants me off it. She won’t prescribe any more until we meet in person. All I have are the refills Misty gave me. They’ll last a while with my rationing but the question is when will we actually meet in person. If things continue to go south it could be months before we meet and I CANNOT just go off a benzodiazepine. That is dangerous and life threatening. So yet another source of anxiety. My mood—in terms of hypomania and depression—has been very stable. My sleep is good and consistent. My mood is fairly even. She seems to think I’m doing pretty well in terms of anxiety. I’m not huddled in a ball in bed, unable to do anything productive. I agree with that. But my anxiety has definitely become more of a generalized anxiety situation, rather than the panic disorder I’ve been diagnosed with. I have had few panic attacks since COVID, but my anxiety is pervasive and definitely problematic. My therapist also thinks I’m managing my anxiety pretty well and keeps telling me I don’t give myself enough credit for the strides I’m making. I can see that, but believing it is much more difficult. I’ve basically stopped eating because of my anxiety. I eat dinner but that’s all. I’ve lost at least 15lbs maybe more (our scale blows). I just can’t eat. It makes me sick just thinking about eating. I know this is not healthy, contributes to my low energy and tiredness (effects of my antipsychotic), and is just a bad idea when all I have is a stomach full of meds. I kind of feel like I’ve developed an eating disorder on top of everything else. In terms of my sobriety I’m doing well. I hardly think about drinking with everything else going on. I had one incident when Mark and I got into an argument and I got in the car threatening to go to Wine Source. But that was unusual. I’m feeling strong on this front. I’m not in danger of relapse. This current situation seems 100x harder than rehab. I’m doing fine without my continuing care group. I still have all the support I need from friends and family. The major positive that’s come out of all this is having Mark home with me for 19 weeks. When he is commuting we spend a few hours together every day. We’ve had a couple blowouts but reconciled with things back to normal rather quickly. What can you expect when you’re trapped in the house with each other for almost 5 months. I adore Mark and I want him home forever!! It’s been such an amazing way to bond—to reinforce our love for one another. I can’t imagine my world without him in it. I JUST CAN’T. We have had some socially distant hangouts and that has helped IMMENSELY!!! We’ve seen my parents 4 times-and on the last visit I finally gave them hugs! I finally felt safe enough to do so (they wore their masks) and it was soooo good!! We’ve also had 4 friends over. Including one of my best friends/acupuncturist who gave me a treatment in my living room! So awesome!!! These hangouts give me LIFE!!! Things are simultaneously so weird and normal. It’s a good thing to have human contact!!! I’m hanging in. I’m on media blackout. Have been since this all started. Mark fills me in on the important things I need to know. Media coverage/articles are too much for me. Anxiety through the roof. I know things are SO BAD and I have made them worse in my mind so what’s the point. Not to bury my head in the sand but I’ve got to do what I need to do to preserve my sanity. Reaching out to friends and family, even a quick text, really helps. Just to make contact and make sure everyone is ok. I talk to my mom & dad several times a day. Mark. Mom. Dad. My friends. My rocks. Keep them close even though they’re far. ❤️ So overall I am making it happen. I see my strength, my resolve. I’m pressing on day by day. I am doing the best I fucking can and that’s all I can fucking ask of myself.

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Daycare...I’m out.

So today was my last session of continuing care. I’ve been thinking about withdrawing from the group for several months now. I talked it over extensively with Mark and my family and friends and decided it was time. Primarily because my mental health needs were not being met. That had been the issue all along-if the group was for people with bipolar who had addiction issues that would be one thing, but the group is for people who are addicts and may or may not have mental health issues (and many of the people in group did have mental health issues that were not really ever addressed in group). At this time, you can imagine my situation as a pyramid. On the bottom is my sobriety, in the middle is bipolar and on the top is anxiety. I have no issues with my sobriety especially since COVID. I can’t even imagine drinking or smoking weed. I am so consumed by anxiety—to the point where I haven’t watched the news at all pretty much since this all started. Spending 2 hours of daycare taking about the current situation just heightened my anxiety to an unbearable point. I was beginning to feel like I was in a graduate school seminar, getting called out for not talking. It wasn’t working for me. I also feel that their time “requirements” for staying in the group-70 sessions or a year and a half—are fairly arbitrary. Why would it matter if I stayed another 6 months when I feel secure in my sobriety right now. As of February 11th I’ve been sober for a year, and as of today April 23rd I have completed one year of continuing care. I don’t consider myself in danger of relapsing. I made a commitment to trying to keep my mental health stable and that means no drinking or drugs. I made that commitment to myself fundamentally. Yes I am accountable to others but I am ultimately responsible for keeping myself sober. I don’t need AA or some other group to tell me that. I have a therapist that is primarily a substance abuse counselor and I will always be accountable to her. And she also challenges me to deal with my anxiety issues in new and creative ways. My support network is vast. Mark, my family, my West Coast Sponsor, my friends. And all of you who read this blog. You don’t have to comment on my posts, just like them so I know you’re listening. I am working with my new psychiatrist, trying out new avenues for lessening my anxiety and getting off addictive benzos. I feel secure and stable with my network of support. I know these are uncertain times, but the group setup is just not working for me anymore. If I seem like I’m justifying my decision I sort of am. I just spent 2 hours trying to rationalize my decision to leave to the counselors and members of my group. I of course care about and have formed relationships with members of the group but when I make up my mind about something, there is very little that can dissuade me.

[blythecreamer]

Checking in April 16 2020

So just a check in with how I’m feeling at this moment. Still highly anxious. Still just trying to get by. Met with Riff Raff on Tuesday. She is keeping my meds the same—thank god—but there was talk of me needing to get off klonopin. Not right now but I would imagine in the future once we’ve met in person. This is luckily not a worst case scenario at this point, because I have already been rationing my klonopin from 2 mg a day to 1/2 mg a day. She doesn’t know this-I don’t want to tell her because I might need more at some point during all this, and not having a back stock makes me EXTREMELY anxious. Just knowing it’s there gives me comfort. Ultimately I am ok with getting off another addictive drug, I just know it’s not going to be easy. But I can’t focus on that now—just know that I’m doing what I can to get by RIGHT NOW—do not stress about the what if’s of the future. She prescribed a new medication for me for anxiety and restlessness. I thought my inability to focus and sit still were remnants of my hypomania and part and parcel of my anxiety (which I’m sure they are to some degree) but come to find out these symptoms may be side effects of the very antipsychotics I take to ward the hypomania off. I am still very unsettled in the evenings-have a hard time sitting down to watch a movie or tv. I am hoping this new med will help. I will find out next week when Mark goes to CVS. Otherwise I’ve been doing a ton of coloring. It is truly keeping me sane. The focus it takes to make everything perfect and keep in between the lines. The creativity of choosing the colors and design. It consumes all of my attention so that I can’t think of anything else. And cooking has been helping too—getting my mind sharply focused on a creative task. I am trying to keep busy. Still doing daycare every Thursday. Although it often seems like a time suck, it gives me two hours where I have to be accountable to something. It is ok. Not ideal in these circumstances. Not many people can identify with my level of anxiety and mental health issues. Many of the people in group seem to be not worried at all, which bothers me. I often feel like my issues and concerns are not addressed by the group. I’m not getting the support I need. Everyone keeps saying if I get at least 25% out of it that’s better than nothing. I don’t know if I’m getting that much at this point. I have an ongoing struggle with this group. Part of me really wants to ditch, another part of me says hang in there especially considering the current state of affairs. IDK. It’s all very confusing and my mind is jumbled with anxious thoughts. I am really just surviving minute by minute at this point.

[blythecreamer]

What the fuck to say?

Mark reminded me that I haven’t written anything in my blog for weeks. I feel like I don’t know what to say because every day feels like Groundhog Day (the movie with Bill Murray-not the holiday). I wake up, usually in sheer panic as I remember everything that’s going on, immediately take my piddly shard of klonopin (I’ve been rationing down to 1/2mg from my Rx of 2mg to conserve). My new psychiatrist won’t prescribe klonopin to me unless she’s seen me in person, which is ludicrous—luckily I have an Rx from Dr Borst for 3 months at 2mg so I should be fine for a while. It’s just annoying because the way my prescriptions got written they are not in sync so that means more trips to CVS. Breaches in our safety. Mark has been to the grocery store twice and CVS once. I drove to CVS with him but couldn’t go in. I am too anxious to go in anywhere. Thank god he is taking such good care of me. I am so lucky to have this amazing man as my life partner. He goes above and beyond to protect me and my mental health. I am trying so hard to focus on the here and now—to not get too far ahead of myself. Some days it is easy, some days I struggle with my anxious mind that spins out of control with what if’s.. Luckily I am not really having acute panic attacks. That would be horrible. It’s just that my generalized anxiety has gotten so much worse since this all started. It’s all consuming at times. I just have to go back to my mantras, like I did in rehab, I’m ok, Mark is ok, P.C. is ok, Everything will be ok. On the bipolar front my mood is pretty even—no hypomania I am back to a state of normalcy. I still have trouble focusing but that is mainly because of the anxiety. I am continuing with my psychiatrist, therapist, and daycare group virtually and I am big into self care. I have a loose routine I follow every day-get up, take klonny have coffee, take a bath, pick out cute outfit, do makeup, talk to my Dad, make Mark breakfast, 10:00 take 1.5 mg Vray Vray, do creative projects like making signs to put up around the house, prepping mail to go out to friends, coloring (which is so Zen and soothing-you just zone out) while Mark works, make him lunch, 2:00 pm take 1.5mg Vray Vray, hang out in the yard with P, make dinner with M, attempt to watch a movie or TV, often unsuccessfully, because I’m tired or lack the attention span. Usually I pass out between 8 and 10 because the cumulative effect of Vray Vray catches up with me. And then I do it all over again. The routine helps me. I need to do guided meditation. More walks, but it kind of freaks me out all these people walking around with masks on. It makes it all the more real. I need to nourish myself more. I have the opposite problem from most people, I don’t binge eat from the stress, I just hardly eat at all. I’ll have a banana in the morning, lunch maybe and definitely dinner. But I hardly ever eat without having leftovers. This is literally the most difficult thing I’ve ever been through. Rehab pales in comparison. Even getting my diagnosis of bipolar disorder seems to pale. I am just attempting to take things second by second, minute by minute to keep my sanity.

[blythecreamer]

Riff Raff

The nickname for my new psychiatrist. Her name is Riffat Ashai. Mark came up with the nickname. It references The Rocky Horror Picture Show, which she TOTALLY IS NOT. We had our first meeting-a telehealth video appointment-on Monday. It was fine. She is of course no Misty of Chincoteague by any means, but she’ll do. Ultimately it’s 15 minutes of medication management. She’s not a therapist too. At least she wasn’t about trying to change my meds (which are working). I want everything to stay the same, with the exception of getting totally off lithium (I’m on 300mg once a day…hopefully down to 150 or zero). ¾ of the appointment was her asking me a bunch of scripted questions that they could have prepared me for…like family history, what meds have you been on etc… I could have really used my mental health log (which I’ve been keeping by month since 1999-lists all my episodes, mood patterns and meds I’ve taken). I have taken sooo many meds I couldn’t remember the names of them in the moment, as I was so nervous). But whatevs. It would have been so bad if Misty left me high and dry to find another psychiatrist on my own-which she had to do for some of her patients. So hooking me up immediately with someone in the same practice is wonderful. So ultimately I’m just glad. I have someone. But I’m REALLY going to miss being able to text Misty. And just her being young, understanding, smart and open to my suggestions. Most psychiatrists just tell you what to do and listen to you maybe. I hope I conveyed how invested I am in my mental health and came across as articulate and self aware. I was so nervous though. But I think I did ok. Whatever. It’s done. I can’t rehash every detail.

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Today March 24 2020 Tuesday

So I am feeling a little less anxious somehow. I’m rationing my klonny and take about ½ to ¾ of 1 pill a day when my rx is for 2 a day. I’m currently in my nest and everything is ok in this house. Mark went to Giant-got tons of fresh food-I need my fruits and veggies-and hit up Mom’s organic market for eggs. He finally stopped in Ro Fo for cigs for me and beer for him. Now is definitely not the time to think about quitting smoking. We were being really careful, washing our hands after handling all the food brought into the house. Mark taking the Silkwood shower after, washing all the clothes he went out in on hot. I literally have not thought about drinking or smoking weed at all. Everything else going on has taken front seat in terms of my anxieties and ruminations. I can’t imagine how I would be if I had the added issue of trying to hoard alcohol. It’s already a major worry with my klonopin because I have to take at least a little bit to make sure I don’t go into withdrawal or have a seizure. Mark has to go out tomorrow to CVS to get my prescriptions, one of which is klonny-I HAVE TO HAVE IT. And the state will only let me get 1 month at a time because it is a controlled substance. That just means more fucking trips to the pharmacy. Ugh. Of course I am worried about him going, but it is a necessity. It’s best that I don’t go because just the idea of leaving the house heightens my anxiety to the point where I’m freaking so hard that it’s got to be that I stay home. I’m busy making a meal plan for the next week so we can use up our fresh ingredients and not waste anything. Im watching Doris-my safe place. Catching up with friends and family. Trying to work on some craft projects. I am doing the best I fucking can and that’s all I can fucking ask of myself.

[blythecreamer]

Currently this. March 21 Sat 2020

I am writing my way through this crisis. It’s all I can do. I can’t even read my past journal entries because the pages are alive and ooze tangible anxiety. I vacillate between being fine and in a state of sheer and utter panic. If we never had to leave the house again I’d be fine. But we have to. I am going to need meds eventually. We are going to need food. At the WORST time possible I’ve started rationing my klonopin. Down from two to one-cut in quarters so I can take less than one if I can bear it. My head has been numb for days. I’m worried I’ll have a seizure from the abrupt decrease. I’m starting all over with a new psychiatrist Monday. Don’t get me wrong I am SO THANKFUL that I have a psychiatrist at all. But it would just be so much easier if I was dealing with Misty, who knows my whole history, is familiar with my meds, my recent episodes. But I can’t control that. I can only control how I think about things and how I act. This condition of mass uncertainty is so difficult for someone with generalized anxiety and panic disorder and bipolar disorder to deal with. I am also still coming down from the hypomania—it’s a lot better but aspects of it are still hanging on. Settling down and focusing is difficult. My thoughts are cluttered. I take my daytime meds (Vraylar) and they should make me nap but I blow right through them. My mind is spinning out of control at all times with what ifs? What if I send Mark out for groceries and meds and he gets the virus, then I get the virus, get sick and die. What if my parents or brother or granny get exposed? I can’t control their actions but their attitudes and thinking about this situation have been very cavalier in my opinion. They are not taking things SERIOUSLY ENOUGH. It is driving me absolutely crazy. But again there is nothing I can control except myself. I have to keep coming back to this. But it is so unsettling. Keep writing. Keep occupied. Do what I can to keep my family safe. Keep in close contact with my friends. Don’t watch the news (I let Mark watch it for me and report the most important aspects). Love what is in this house. The immediate. Mark, P.C. and me.

[blythecreamer]

Current state as of March 18 2020

I’ve just got to try and stay positive. All I have is right now. This moment. These people. Mark & Poppy. My family. My friends. We are all safe as of this moment in time. Stay grounded. Stay in the now. Don’t let your mind wander to what you should have done or what could potentially happen in the future. All I have is the present. Many things are out of my control right now and I have to learn to be ok with that . Wanting to control things is at the heart of anxiety. I have to surrender my thoughts. Accept the things I cannot change. Accept WHAT I CAN CHANGE. My perspective, my anxious ways of thinking. I have to do this to get through this crisis. Repeat my mantra. This house and everything in it is safe. I am here now. I am in my nest. Mark is ok. P.C. is ok. Everything will be ok.

[blythecreamer]

Clean & Sober...during a global pandemic

Although I have been thinking to myself “if I could just have a cocktail I could get through this situation easier” I know that’s not true. My “cravings” have been intense, but really more intense thoughts that hang around briefly then fade. Maybe that is a craving but I don’t really feel it in my gut like I have before. I know rationally that drinking and smoking weed are NOT OPTIONS. But the emotional side of my brain talks back to that side in a different language. Sabotaging my resolve and willpower. It’s a constant chatter back and forth. But ultimately the rational side wins out. I am SO glad I’m not drinking and smoking weed-I’m already hoarding food & cigarettes; imagine how I’d be if I had to hoard alcohol and weed. And it would be highly dangerous for me NOT TO HAVE ALCOHOL. I could put Mark and myself in danger, having to go to the Wine Source—unnecessarily (but necessarily) having to leave the house. I have everything I need here-Mark, Poppy, sustenance—both emotional and physical. Everything is going to be ok. I am literally writing myself through this crisis. I have filled up nearly half a journal in the last month. Thank the lord I have a huge pen stash :) On another topic, I feel that I have fodder for an essay or a chapter for my memoir. The tale of a bipolar girl with panic disorder, in the midst of a hypomanic episode navigating her way through and surviving a global pandemic. I am thanking the goddess, nature, higher power, whatever is out there looking over us, that I have klonopin. I’ve been rationing it, because I only REALLY need it if I’m having a panic attack—it does little for my generalized anxiety. That has a mind if it’s own. The Vraylar is also kicking the hypomania’s butt and easing some of my anxiety. I am getting good sleep-usually 8 hours. I can still be spaz during the day, but my 2x1.5mg Vraylar help ease my mind and settle down. I am definitely better than I was a few weeks ago. I am starting to be able to sit still and I just am beginning to feel an inner sense of calm. Not in terms of the anxiety, but in terms of my psychomotor agitation (inability to sit still) and ability to focus. Like I’ve sat here for half an hour composing this post. Hopefully I’m on the mend. Luckily Misty has answered two of my frantic texts and given me extra lithium and extra 1.5 klonopin for a month. What the fuck am I going to do without a young psychiatrist with a sense of humor who lets me text her?? Well I always have her number throughout this crisis and she is still technically my psychiatrist until I see Dr Ashai on the 23rd. So I have my safety net. It certainly isn’t easy to get through this-for anyone to get through this-I don’t want a pity party-I’m just trying to explain how this experience feels to me. What my reality is like right now. I am living moment to moment, minute to minute, second to second. Everything is going to be ok.

[blythecreamer]

The state that I am in....

To quote Belle & Sebastian…I am in full freak out mode over the coronavirus situation. I’m hoarding food, cigarettes and coffee (the latter two most important lol) but seriously I am SUPER anxious. My rational mind is telling me everything will be ok. My emotional mind is going to places like what will they dress me in for my funeral? Seriously people I’ve got to calm down. DO NOT PANIC! DO NOT PANIC! I keep telling myself. I’m not afraid to go out into public places but I am all about obsessive hand washing and disinfecting. I’ve hardly even left the house and I’m still paranoid. Going through this with panic disorder and hypomania is not easy. My mind was already out of control before all of this happened. I am worried about Mark commuting to DC, my mom because she has sarcoidosis and her immune system is already compromised to some extent. And she is having to start using oxygen later this week. Ugh. Stressful. I will get through this though. I’m not sure how but I will. Right now it’s watching Doris and NOT watching the news.

[blythecreamer]

Mind reeling

My thoughts are all jumbled, racing, non linear. I am trying to write my way through it and use chronology as my guide. I’m still very hypomanic-unable to sit still, focus on ANYTHING, starting to get irritable and cranky. So I’m trying to make this as coherent as possible and sort of describe things as they happened. The last week and a half has been chaotic. My parents cat died from cancer. I found out my mom’s sarcoidosis has worsened and now they are investigating cardiac problems so I am really worried about that. Misty officially left the stable. I’m coming off of lithium. Starting over with a new psychiatrist. Raising my Vray Vray to 6mg. Trying to remain sane. I’ll be taking 2 1.5 doses of Vray Vray during the day to calm me down and 3mg at night. I’ll take my daytime doses at 10 and 2 like I used to do with sapphy. Sometimes I take it and feel like I’ve taken nothing. Other times I fall out hardcore. At this point it’s hard to say how this new regimen will affect me. Haven’t been keeping up with my walkies. I have a lot going on at once. Worried about myself. Worried about Mark (always). Worried about my mom. STRESSFUL! I am strong in my sobriety. I’ve had several moments where I thought a cocktail or a weed gummy would help bring me down. But then I remember St John-floridly hypomanic drinking 12 drinks a day and eating 3 weed gummies. Out of control. I cannot go to there. Drinking and smoking ARE NOT OPTIONS if I want to get well.

[blythecreamer]

Journal Feb 28 2019

I had a really good day at rehab although I was super tired and my sinuses hurt. I am feeling really positive about the whole situation. I think it helps to speak my piece and helpful to listen to other people’s stories about addiction. I’ve been having a lot of cravings- mainly because you’re supposed to avoid places that are triggers. And my place is home, where I did most of my drinking. I’m going to try to get out more once the hypomania is under control. But what i need now is R&R on the chaise. And I’m a bit more tired after starting Vraylar. I’ve been having a lot of cravings. Like several times a day. When I think to myself I’d be fine if I could just have a drink or smoke a bowlie everything would be fine. I have three mantras I repeat to myself. #1 I have an illness and drinking is NOT an option if I want to get well #2 I don’t want to backpedal and have to go through the rehab process again #3 I don’t want to disappoint myself and my family and friends. I can totally do this. I get stronger every day.

[blythecreamer]

A bit better...

The hypomania is calming down a little bit. The last two nights at my parents I passed out on the couch around 9, they woke me up around 10:30 and I took my 3 mg of Vray Vray and slept until 7 or 8am. I’ve been attempting to limit my caffeine (decaf toddy with a splash of regular to ward off caffeine withdrawal). During the morning and afternoon I am still boisterous, loquacious, chaining it, mentally racing, still having trouble sitting still. I take my 1.5 Vray Vray in the afternoon and I quiet down a bit but usually can’t take a nap. So I’m sleeping well but still spaz. Better than sleeping 4-5 hours like I was last week. So it’s a mixed bag, like it always is. My panic has been a lot worse. Lots of klonny and propranolol. I don’t know if the latter even does anything. It’s hard to know what is doing what when you have a medication cocktail. I am just doing the best I fucking can and that’s all I can fucking ask of myself. Quote directly from today’s daycare session. Genius I think!