bowtomypain-blog

[bowtomypain-blog]

day 18 - june 27th

im gonna go visit his sister in law tomorrow. I have no plans on seeing him, but maybe out of politness I should text him? I will think about that part later. Out of habit. I been buying the things I always buy when I come over.. fruits, salad and meat or fish. Cooking for him was one of my happiest time.. Knowing he didn't need to run for junkfood. I loved it. Especially when he liked the food too. I think i be gone by the time he comes home at night. so maybe we won't bump into each other. maybe i should start getting my stuff together too? do i want to see him? more than anything.

[bowtomypain-blog]

day 12-17 june 22nd - june 26th

What did he mean that im not enough? For the past days those words keep echo in my head. Im not enough. For all the hard work i put in us, in myself and for trying so hard and to improve myself. Im not enough. I can't make him happy. Was it all fake happiness until today? Was he never happy the times he told me he was? I don't fullfill him. So i was never perfect like he told me I was. When did his words become lies? And why can't I tell them apart? And why the fuck does it hurts so much.

[bowtomypain-blog]

day 11 - june 21st

I made plans.. link up w friends and have my life moving forward just like how he seem to be great at. As if we never existed in each other life’s. How does he do that?

So i left to the beach w LW.. as she was driving snd all i could think about was how i went to the beach w him last year. Our third and also my favorite date, before we became official.

I remember how we left at night time and I was hyper excited to spend it w him since it would be the first time at the beach 2016. (as i pass by the exit to Ventnor my heart fell dropping..) I remember he wanted to talk to get to know me better, we stood outside by the deck and just talk. Him holding me from behind. The breeze was nothing compared to the butterflies i felt in my stomache. He made me food middle of the night. I wore his tshirt and sat there and never felt happier as he prepared me some leftover wontons. That was just the start of it.

As we arrived to AC.. I tried hard to not let any tears ruin our girls day. I took deep breaths and open my eyes wide to not let any tears fall down. As i spoke about it out loud, pieces of me dropped. Who said it would be easier for each person you tell?

at the beach… (some throwback) We started w breakfast and shared omelettes and waffles, got coffee to bring to the beach. I remember i switched from reading his book, to watch kdrama to just tan in the sun. It was breezy and we even put our feet in the water to check it out. When we finally decided to put things in the car and just enjoy the boardwalk, the water and just talk. Having our first picture by the beach taken.. when he told me to look over and his move to take a kissing picture.

Can you imagine that all this went thru my head as i was laying on the beach? How much it hurted me but to my suprise no tears.. I kept taking deep breaths and just tried to keep my head up.

End of the day.. As I drove us back to the city, memories came flashing. Signs of NJ pop up and everything reminded me of which exit would take me to his house, which one would take me to his rental, which exit would take me to the basement he fixing up, which exit would be our potential future home, which exit would take me to his first baby (flip house), which exit leads to where but I had to keep my eyes forward to the city, the city he likes but wouldn’t live in. The busy life. The busy lifestyle to keep my mind off of him. Then. I cried. and LW offered to drive and I said no i be fine. Because little does anyone know, every damn time I drive.. i have my breakdowns. For no one to see, for no one to understand. My car has always been my baby but not til now has it been my lifesaver. A place i can call mine..

We hit the city and the rain pours down. Again i never felt so empty and lonely. I dropped my friend off and just wandered.. I went in-and-out in stores, nothing was tempting. No clothes would fit. Nothing was worth it anymore. I so badly wanted to spend spend spend my money to make myself happy but all i could think of was him. “save your money babe” - words that he would say all the time. Im saving anh. Im saving up for us, to invest in our future. For a life with you. Did you know that?

[bowtomypain-blog]

day 9-10 ~ june 19th&20th

No update these days. Work been super busy and i been doing good there. Everything else is the same. I question myself is it me? What did i do wrong? and why am i not enough? im thankful for zzzquil. i dont see a way out right now

[bowtomypain-blog]

day 8 - june 18

i went with full confident but had none left when i got to the house he's working on but i had to see him because i was hurting and the only way i knew how to make it stop was to see his face. i gave him the food i made.. he ate it like he used too but he kept the distance between us. as i walked closer he would take steps back and as around he still kept the distance. he would gladly tell me about everything he made in the basement since last time. all the work and i could hear how proud he was and i was too very proud of his hardwork. remember just a week ago i was rihjt there helping him putting the beams up and i dont even know anything about construction, but i was with him and it made me so happy. i wanted to hug him. i wanted to reach out for him but he wouldn't let me. he kept backing up and eventually told me i had to leave. i left. i left with the pain stabbing my heart. the pain washing over me and for a second i lost it all over again. how did he make it seem so easy? i cried til i couldn't anymore and i drove in circles and everywhere trying to find my way somewhere. i never felt so lost. i never felt such a pain. so i wiped my tears and went out. i got drinks. i got shots. it didnt numb the pain, not for one second. but it was places we never been to together, i did fine. i wouldn't need to be reminded about you. my girlfriend asked me was i doing okay? i was suprised. i was doing okay. i could even talk about it and again the me, that has grown up and being more mature... defended him until the very end, even if he's the one that's breaking my heart. but as i left. as i let my guard down.. the pain came washing over me again. and again i cried myself to sleep, 4am in the morning.

[bowtomypain-blog]

day 7 - june 17

why now? why after everything we went thru? all those time we argued and all those time we had fights. how you would always tell me you're sorry for yelling at me. that you couldn't wait til we saw each other and things could be right again. how we would always pick up the phone and make it right again. after breathing we would fix it. why can't we fix it this time?

[bowtomypain-blog]

day 2-6 june 13-17

these days were the longest. i went to work, all hours. and took ZzzQuil as soon as I got off to be able to hit the bed as soon as I got home. I know i said i would never abused ZzzQuil.. but I am now. I can't fall asleep. I can't stop crying. And the only way to survive work is to atleast sleep, because I no longer eat anything. And to be able to sleep this is the only way. take one day at a time.

[bowtomypain-blog]

day 1 - june 12

does this even count as day 1 or day 1 of the fact that we had a talk.. that really didn't take us anywhere? i was scared to open up, to talk about the fact that we no longer are a couple. it's not us. but i had to because i knew he didn't see us as a couple anymore. as happy as i was of the day he finally called me his girlfriend, as devastated i was when he said we are no longer anything. driving 1h never felt longer. i was speeding, to keep up with my heart race. i couldn't breathe. i so badly wanted to die. it was choking me. the pain made my heart hurt so bad. i never pulled over on the highway because i never knew how to get back out on the traffic but i had to today. because if i didn't i would have got into a car accident. i cried long and hard. it didnt feel better. it didnt help that he said everything is gonna be fine. he promise. but then there was so much other things he promised me.. what was true and what wasn't ? at work. i held it up pretty good. no one could've tell i cried for two hour straight, just tired as always. til my one customer asked me and it just cracked open and tears just streamed down my face. luckily no one else saw it. i wiped it away as i continued my day. end of the day i cried again. and again and again. the pain was so strong i felt the urge to rip my heart out. i couldn't go home so i went driving around and just let myself feel the pain, torturing myself and cried all the tears that could've drown anyone.. and with the little courage i had left.. i walked straight from the front door in to my bedroom with my head held high. but as soon as the door closed my eyes were blurring again and i let myself feel the pain once again.