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bxtchy-human-blog · 5 years

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m y h e a r t

I’ll Be Good

Hello, and thank you for reading my garbage. This is a short fic I randomly wanted to write, so I did. I just powered through without any breaks so if there’s any issues I’ll fix it later, probably. SO yeah, here’s an angsty Max with Dadvid fic, based on the song “I’ll Be Good” by Jaymes Young. This song just screamed at me at one AM so I had to make a thing. You should listen to it, especially when reading this if you want to I mean. For a short fic it’s a little long cuz I don’t know how to be quiet, sorry so it’s like 4k+ words. Thanks. Link to song: Jaymes Young- I’ll Be Good

The morning after Parents Day dawned as usual: a little too bright, a little too muggy, and a lot too loud. The bundle of blankets that was Max grumbled as he untangled from them, Neil already awake and drinking coffee while he mumbled to himself. His father had given him extra cash for the next time they went into town, and he had already babbled himself into a frenzy about looking for the most acceptable chemistry set he could find. Max and Nikki had listened out of politeness the previous night, until Nikki found a spider and threw it at Gwen. That was enough for Max to lose interest and walk away. His friends had noticed he was out of it since yesterday, but didn’t say anything. David and Gwen had taken him out for pizza and had practically redeemed themselves, for the week ahead at least. But Max was still recovering from the hellscape that he’d been a part of. Sure, his parents didn’t come. That was a relief without a doubt, but he was still emotionally shaken and on edge. He couldn’t stop thinking about how much worse it would have been if they had come.

As Max put on his hoodie, he thought of Nikki’s mom, and how similar she was to his own. Granted she didn’t look like a Barbie doll from his nightmares like Candy did, but the general vibe he got from her was the same. The vacant staring, playing on her phone, not listening to anything, forgetting everything about her own kid- that checked all the boxes for sure. Max hadn’t met Candy long enough to see if she’d smack Nikki upside the head, or if she was secretly tipsy to get through whatever event she had to go to. If those two things had been met, they could’ve been best friends, and that thought alone was enough to give Max the heebie jeebies.

“Hey Max, you okay? Everyone’s already getting in line for breakfast- didn’t you hear the bell?” Neil had his head peaked into the tent, a sign he’d gotten dressed and left without Max even noticing.

“Yeah, I’m coming- and I’m fine. I told you yesterday I was fine.” He rolled his eyes and followed Neil out of the tent.

The other boy grimaced. “I know you said you were fine, you just don’t seem like you are.”

“Well who would be after seeing your dad and Nikki’s mom fuck on stage?”

“H-Hey! That bothers me WAY more than it bothers you! You’re lucky your parents didn’t even come!”

Max bristled up, “I know they didn’t show up, and I know how lucky I am more than you, so how about we agree to shut up and stop talking about things we don’t know anything about?” His voice was raised, “Okay? Just. Shut up, Neil.”

“Yeah… Okay, we’ll both shut up. Fine by me, I’d like to forget all about yesterday.”

“Parents Day?” Nikki bounced up to them, “Why would you want to forget? It was crazy fun!”

“The only good part was the spider, Nikki.”

“But our parents-”

Neil cut her off as his face paled. “The ONLY good part was the SPIDER, please.”

The trio got breakfast and sat at their usual table, as far away from David and Gwen as possible. Max could see out of the corner of his eye that David was waving at them, but he turned his back- he really didn’t want to deal with him today. He had a confusing ache in his chest ever since last night. What they did for him was nice, but why they did it didn’t make any sense. They weren’t his parents, they didn’t even like him. Max was certain that all of his time there had just made them hate him more, that they were only doing these things because they were contractually obligated to, just like for Nurf’s boot camp session earlier in the year. There wasn’t anything there for him more than what they’d have for a bug, or roadkill. They dealt with him just long enough to get him out of their way. Only problem was, because of his parents, who knew how long he’d actually be in their way? Max’s parents hadn’t called, not even for a second, since he’d been there. No letters, no care packages. Not even money- embarrassingly anything that wasn’t supplied to him gratis as a part of the camp, David paid for out of his own pocket.

Which was another in a long list of reasons why they must have hated him from day one. He showed up with a week’s worth of clothes and a single pair of shoes. No hairbrush, no soap. He had been hustled out the door to the bus station so fast, he didn’t even have deodorant, or a toothbrush and toothpaste. David had insisted immediately that he could get it for him, and supplied his own excuse that Max’s parents must have been so excited to let him start his adventure that they forgot. Max only rolled his eyes, and they went to the general store. Max ended up stealing deodorant and a bar of soap, and lied to David saying he had a hairbrush, so all he had to pay for was was the toothbrush and paste to go along with it. The younger boy didn’t think he could handle having to owe his counselor more than $5, even if he had to figure out how to wash his wild curls with bar soap and detangle the unconditioned mess with his fingers while he waited for it to dry. It was a small price to pay so he could hold onto what little pride he had when he was dropped there. Ever since then, he’d harbored suspicion and shame every time David asked him if he needed anything. Why the fuck would a grown adult care so much?

As time went on though, he’d learned to let go of that small favor because since then, David- and Gwen too- had been a pain in the ass. Gwen was a terrible counselor, but at least she was honest. She called Max out on his shit as she did with everyone, but she was still too nice, so he liked her less and less as the days passed. How could she still be so nice when all life seemed to do was shit on her? He’d learned by watching his dad that bad times make bad people. Any time his dad yelled or smacked him around, that had been his excuse- that it wasn’t his fault, but it was Max’s, or his mom’s; that if he hadn’t been given a child and a shitty marriage and a dead-end job, that he’d be a better guy. So when Max was given to Gwen, he didn’t understand why she didn’t do the same. She wasn’t even his parent! But she was still here with him, and with a bunch of other kids. And she couldn’t seem to get out of this shitty job. But she still woke up every day and she still smiled and she still tried. And she hadn’t hit him, not even once. It was disgusting, almost. It was definitely a front, she had to have something else going on that kept her sane. Maybe Gwen was the type to have a voodoo doll to stab and kick around when Max irritated her. He added that to his list of things to snoop through her room for the next rainy day when he was bored.

As Neil and Nikki talked around him and over each other, he stabbed listlessly at his pancakes, and felt aggressively unhungry. Thinking of Gwen lead to thinking about David and he really didn’t feel like it. But there he was, even when he wasn’t actually there. Max groaned as he thought of all the “nice” things the older man had done- from buying him supplies to treating him to food. He remembered when he broke into David’s cabin, and found that stupid clipboard- “Positivity + Max = Success!” It was enough to make a kid nauseous, and it most certainly did. If that wasn’t enough to get to him, David’s ability to always see the good in things pushed it right to Max’s tolerance level and beyond. The happiness he constantly let out and the hopeful vibes were skin-crawlingly persistent. How he could always point out the silver lining, and how hard he always tried to make Max do the same. It didn’t make any sense- why did David want him to be happy so badly, and why did he think that Max deserved it? Even after tying him up, lighting parts of the camp on fire, stealing, trying to run away- David still tried to make Max happy. It confused the boy so much his head would spin if he thought about it too long.

Max spent a majority of the day keeping to himself, and he turned down offer after offer from Nikki, Neil, and even Dolph. For whatever reason, the other campers seemed to think he was okay. Not all of them though- Ered didn’t like him, so the kids that hung out with her didn’t like him either. He didn’t care though, it meant he could be left alone. As long as he didn’t run into David, he’d be safe. So that’s exactly how he ended up in a tree, marinating in his thoughts. He missed lunch, and found some pleasure in the kids looking for him, until he got tired of hearing his name being called. Gwen scolded him for giving them all a scare, and he tuned her out. Max didn’t believe a word she said- no one cared if he took off or went missing. No one cared about him at least- they’d have their checks shredded and their jobs taken away, so of course they’d be a little pissed. After the afternoon fiasco and about a million more questions about how he was feeling, Max waved them off and went to lie down in his tent. However, he didn’t get very far when he bumped into Nurf. He was the only one slightly less appealing to see than David.

“Where do you think you’re going, pipsqueak?” His voice was gruff and nasally and annoying all at once.

Max rolled his eyes, “I’m going to my tent, so move.”

“Well that’s not very nice, you should say please. You’d think being here long enough you’d learn some manners.” He crossed his arms over his chest, and stood over Max by a good foot.

“And you’d think being here long enough, you’d learn not to be such an asshole, but I guess we all have lessons that don’t stick. Move!” Max shoved passed the taller boy.

“Hey! That’s it,” Nurf reached out to grab up Max by the hoodie as many often did, but missed and instead yanked abruptly and harshly on his hair, which pulled him back and up several inches. “You need-”

Before he could finish, Max kicked him hard in the stomach. “Put me the fuck down you fucking asshole! I swear to God I’ll rip out your eyes and make you eat them!” He flailed around, angrily clawing at the bully’s face.

Max’s shrill cries had drawn attention, and within moments a small crowd had gathered. Nurf quickly dropped Max into the dirt and shoved away from him, but Max wasn’t backing down. The smaller of the two kept pushing him and screaming, hitting him in the chest every few words- Max was worked up and inconsolable. Eventually the two boys ended up tangled on the ground, hitting and yelling at each other, Max screaming profanities and scratching and punching any available skin he could see. Neil and Harrison tried to step in and stop the fight, but Max accidentally caught Neil on the side of his face and they quickly ran to the cabin to get the counselors.

“I’m sick and fucking tired of you- of your voice and of your fucking face!” Max had tears in his eyes, one of which had swollen almost shut as it turned a dark purple. “I’m sick of be-being here and I hate this place and I hate being-” The smaller child was pulled back, off of the other.

“MAX! What has gotten into you?! This behavior is-” David could barely start his sentence before Max was shrieking again, both David and Gwen were startled.

The smaller boy thrashed about and tried to break loose, his voice was cracking- all the shouting had made it start to fade. “Fuck you, let me go! I didn’t do anything put me down I hate this- let me GO!”

David had a firm grip on him, one hand on his shoulder and the other under his arm as he pulled him away from Nurf. Gwen helped the other boy up and marched him to the first aid tent; she shot a pointed look at David before shouting at the other kids to leave. While all of the chaos died down, Max was the only thing that didn’t. He yanked and pulled at David’s arms, yelling and cursing at him at top volume. Tears had started to stream down his face uncontrollably, which only seemed to infuriate him more as he struggled. David held fast, trying to keep Max’s hands down because the smaller boy had begun to hit and scratch at everything, including himself- he was worked up into a frenzy, and David had no clue how to bring him down. Max was crying and apologizing suddenly and it was hurting him to see how scared and sad he looked. David’s hand slipped and Max broke free, running at top speed into the woods, followed by David’s frantic voice as he shouted after him.

Everything was faded, fallen into the background. Max couldn’t see straight and his feet ached and his chest hurt and everything felt sharp and dark and wounded. He didn’t want to turn around and see a single face, and he didn’t want to slow down at the risk of hearing them catch up, so he just did what he could, and kept running. The sun was getting lower in the sky and it made for more difficult travel. Max tripped and fell several times, bruising and cutting his hands and knees until eventually all that was left of his run was an unsteady limp. His crying had died down, but not by much. Instead of open-mouth sobbing he was hiccuping and gasping for air, no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t seem to get his breath and his heart to slow down. Go figure that when he gets lost in the woods after having a total melt-down, he’d have a panic attack. They rarely happened when he didn’t expect them, Max was usually good about scheduling them for in the showers or in bed when everyone was asleep or away from him, but this time he couldn’t make it stop and he couldn’t make it silent. So where he’d usually cover his mouth and breathe deeply, he was now shaking like a leaf and whimpering.

He looked around him in the twilight to find a large bush, almost as big as his tent back at the camp- beneath it was a small dent in the earth, as though at one point it was shelter for someone or something else. He made his way over and felt in hesitantly with his hands, making sure it wasn’t currently in use. When Max didn’t feel anything but dried leaves, he wasted little time curling up within and letting his emotions overwhelm him. He let himself cry until he was dizzy, wheezing and nauseous from how spent he was. He didn’t want to think about how lost he was, or how much trouble he was in. He didn’t want to think about how mad everyone would be. But he was. Max couldn’t stop thinking about how his friends must hate him- how Neil wouldn’t even want to share a tent with him anymore or how Nikki wouldn’t want to show him any new bugs or animals she’d disturbed. Gwen would call him names and mean it, and David… David would be so angry- this would have been the final straw. Max almost laughed, hysterical when he thought of this being the thing to push David over the edge. His stomach flipped dramatically at the thought.

Max didn’t hear the sounds of footsteps over his retching, he didn’t hear anyone approaching him over the sound of his gasping and his sobs. So he let out a scream when David knelt next to him and placed a hand on his back. He quickly jerked away and took a few steps back, putting distance between himself and the taller man. His hands were shaking and he was filled with anger, ready to shield himself or attack anything that David said or did, but all he did was stand there and look at him with sadness in his eyes. That caused Max to bristle- he hated pity. He didn’t need anyone to look at him like that and remind him of what he did. He’d almost prefer David screaming at him over David pitying him. Almost. When the counselor took a step closer to Max, he put his hands up reflexively and shielded his face. When he realized what he’d done, his arms dropped quickly and he stood up straighter, anger in his eyes.

“Max… I’m glad I found you. Are you hurt? You look like you fell…” David’s voice is soft, and filled with sadness.

“I’m fine.” Max eyed him suspiciously, “I fell. But I’m fine. What happens now? What are you gonna do to me?”

“Do to you…? Nothing. I mean, I’d appreciate you writing an apology letter to Nurf, and I think taking away your desserts for the week is good. Maybe have you-” David stopped abruptly at Max’s face.

“That’s it?! What the fuck? David what kind of game are you playing? You know I don’t buy all this goody two shoes bullshit, right? Where’s the yelling? I don’t get a belt? What the hell kind of punishment system is this?! Who the hell even are you? I’m not your kid so why do you care so fucking much?” Max’s voice broke and he started crying again.

“Max- calm down. Please, just take a deep breath-”

“Fuck you, David! Just hit me and get it over with or something- this bullshit about caring and talking it all out is pointless.”

“Hit you?! Max, why on earth would I hit you? Who would even- oh…” David sighed, leaning closer slowly. “Max, I’m not… I’m not going to hit you.”

Max hissed, “Get away from me, dammit! If you’re not gonna hit me then leave me alone.”

“I can’t! I won’t, I’m trying to help you- I’ve been trying to help you from day one. My heart has been sad since day one when your parents didn’t even give you a toothbrush. You break my heart every day, not because of your bad attitude but because I can’t make it better. I’m sorry I’m a terrible counselor and I’m sorry I’m a terrible friend but you need to try and maybe then you can see it’s not so bad, not here at least.”

“It’s not so bad…? It’s not so bad?! All of this is bad!” Max began to shout.

“Then tell me what it is that makes it so bad, okay? Tell me what’s wrong!”

“Seriously? You wanna know what’s wrong, David? You wanna know how I’m feeling? I’ll tell you how I’m fucking feeling! I hate this place! I hate this god-forsaken camp! I hate these campers, and I hate the mess hall, and I hate the stupid tents! No one cares and no one wants to be here and it’s depressing as fuck! Fuck Camp Campbell, fuck Lake Lilac, and fuck YOU, David! Fuck you! You never listen. You power over everything with your shitty fake positivity and you ignore anything other than bullshit lies of joy and happiness because you’re too weak to handle the real world and any problems it actually has! Nothing is good okay? Nothing is alright! There are people out there who drink too much, and people out there who steal, and there are people who hit their kids because they hate themselves. There are people who break things and people who are worse and break promises. You’re a pussy for trying to act like none of that happens. You’re a fucking liar. And I hate you…” Max’s words fall away into sobs, and David is silent.

Max breathed in sharply, “More than this camp. More than I hate my parents. I hate you because it’s not fucking fair. You don’t get to be so stupidly happy and so blissfully unaware of what other people are going through. The only thing I hate more than you is me, okay? David, just listen for once. I’m begging you to stop smiling sometimes because there’s nothing to smile about. There’s nothing to be happy a-about. I hate everything so much- nothing is going right not even a little bit and I just hate it all so much and I don’t know w-w-what to do.”

Max broke. He started wailing, and he looked more like a ten-year-old than he ever had. His mouth was open and his eyes were scrunched shut, and his legs gave out. He fell, almost belly-flopped onto the ground, and just cried. His small hands balled into fists as he hit the ground and David was shaking like a leaf. This was something he’d never seen before, and something he’d never thought would happen. To see Max break like this was earth shattering, and his eyes welled with tears. The thing that upset David the most, what broke his heart more than anything, was that this was unlike anything Max had ever said before. Sure he’d heard some of the words- and some of the foul language unfortunately- but the way it was said was worse. It wasn’t the usual raised voice and cocky attitude that Max portrayed almost daily. Max was actually screaming at David. The words came from his mouth, his lungs, his diaphragm, his gut. All at once. Max was screaming like some kind of wounded animal, tearing into David’s optimism like a knife through butter. It was ragged and cruel and loud and cold and burning all at once. And it was like a pain he’d never even wish on his worst enemies.

“What I said yesterday… I meant it, Max. I still mean it. It’s okay to not be okay. Nothing is worth smiling about right now, you’re right. Especially right now. I’m sorry I haven’t been as honest as I could have been. As I should have been. I’m sorry I tried to make things okay, instead of acknowledging that they weren’t. I shouldn’t have done that to you, I know. I just didn’t want to believe that there were really people out there who’d hurt someone as wonderful as you. I know how lame that sounds, but it’s true.” David inhaled deeply, tears trailing down his face as he crouched down and hugged Max to him. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you in the ways I should have been. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that I knew you were struggling. I’m sorry I just tried to keep optimistic. I didn’t know what else to do. I know better now. I know more about you than I ever thought I would,” He chuckled softly, “though I wish I were learning it under better circumstances. I’m sorry. Life is so shitty, and you deserve the best. I’m infuriated and I’m hurt and I’m so exhausted. You don’t deserve to hurt, you deserve to be happy. I’d never lie about that.”

Max looked up at David, wide eyed and sad. “Why do you keep saying all that? That I ’deserve this’ and ’deserve that’. I mean… I treat you terribly…” He looked down at his hands, “I’m sorry for all of that, I really am. I want to do better. I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I promise I’ll be good. I’m sorry.”

“I’m saying you deserve it because it’s true, no matter what your parents tell you. No matter what you tell yourself. And… thank you. Thank you for apologizing, Max. It means the world to me.” David smiled down at Max, petting his hair softly before picking him up, and beginning to carry him back to camp.

Max grumbled softly, “Dammit David, put me down!”

His counselor only laughed, ruffled his hair, and said, “Love ya too, kiddo!”

“UGGHHH… I know.” Max gave a small smile hidden from David’s view. “I know…”

As usual, thanks for reading my garbage! Lemme know what you think. Also I have a whole Playlist I made for Angsty Max if you wanna check it out. It can be found here: Spotify- Max

Hope it can be enjoyed- thank you so much for following me or at least checking out my stuff!

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