captiveinmarz

[captiveinmarz]

Just this once let my skin be mine. I’ve got a sour taste in my mouth like the memory is full of bile. I wake up the next morning and eyes still burning.

[captiveinmarz]

I feel like I’m tryna climb up a landslide

[captiveinmarz]

A letter to myself,

You feel that sun burn on your skin. The warm winds hold ur face only cause you choose to see it that way. I look in the side view mirror and see how the air whips my green around and my glasses let me see it all. I see familiar sprawling suburbia and I wonder what it looks like through an outsider’s eyes. Who would visit my mind and see through it all. These perspectives are so jaw droppingly beautiful. It hurts and stings a lot when it’s pretty and that’s okay. To look at things so nice out and to feel so bad inside it’s a different kind of pain. It’s easier but also deeper. Weird how it works that way. Keep reminding urself summer is coming and it will always be coming.

[captiveinmarz]

I look in the mirror and see someone I shouldn’t see. Not even in the normal “ I’m not myself” kind of way. I just see someone who isn’t me. I’m reminded of someone who left me. Someone I thought was like me. I don’t wanna think I abandoned myself but it feels that way when I look at the mirror cause I see all the compliments he gave me and all the lil things he pointed out in our features that were similar and all the bigger parts that are different.

We’re ripped apart but I still think about it enough for the both of us and I don’t want that.

[captiveinmarz]

Careful with my heart now.

Place it gently in the floor.

I rather you do that than drop it if you’re not going to hold it.

Asshole

[captiveinmarz]

Letter to myself.

I am very generous and I always try to be kind. I enjoy practicing peaceful resolutions in my problems but I also have a passion in me sometimes for knocking over the tower. I’m intuitive and am working on trusting my gut and following it the places it takes me. I trust love I desire is out there somewhere for me because it exists in myself.

I love how I talk to myself. I love that I make myself laugh. I love that my laugh sometimes starts to sound like people I care for. I love that I pick up things fast and don’t beat myself up if I don’t pick up on other things as fast. I love that I try to practice what I preach and I love that I speak my mind. I love that I try to be kind even in moments I’m weak or angry. I take a moment through my negative emotions to express that I am just having strong emotions and that I feel that way because I care about who I’m talking to.

[captiveinmarz]

I’m so far out of the woods and I’m scared cause it’s just wide open expanses of wind. It brushes against my skin in a way I feel so exposed. I wanna go back to the woods. It’s humid in there and sometimes I can’t breath but somehow I rather suffocate warm than breath and see my own air.

[captiveinmarz]

I throw the curtain over your face and it still casts a shadow so I just lay there and pull at corners to cover that part in my life rooted into the same ground I walk on is just blissfully out of sight.

[captiveinmarz]

I accept that there are things I do not know but when there’s something that looks like an opportunity to know more I will jump on it even if I look stupid trying to get water from a rock. I regret not trying more than giving it a shot.

[captiveinmarz]

I don’t have a lot of hate in my heart anymore I got rid of a lot of it so it wouldn’t hold back love for not only myself but to others.

[captiveinmarz]

We brushed past discussing what our personal definition of feelings are and I think that contributed towards all this.

[captiveinmarz]

I think what it is is that I really want to move on from these repetitive thoughts. I try to rationalize it and say that maybe I need to get it out of my system because for a while I felt like I didn't have the space to allow myself to feel this way or maybe I kept it to myself in a way that wasn't necessarily my fault. Through talking it out with myself in a way that I am now I feel like I have the space to be more open and honest about my feelings because there is no consequence to it so I don't have to tread lightly anymore. I recognize I shouldn't have had to tread lightly in the first place but I don't think it was truely wrong. I feel like the snake eating itself because I, very much, want to move past this in a way that feels satisfying to me but I feel blocked from that outcome.

I am torn in two because I want to keep some parts of myself from the half taken from me but not the rest. If I put myself back together after all of this I fear I will have to shamefully accept the parts of myself that I feel are a burden. Those parts of myself make it so that in the balance of it all the scales are constantly tugged on to fall one way or the other. I sometimes feel like it would be easy to hate and move on. I can control my reactions to these things fairly well enough to know that I can be hateful and resentful and not show it specially if what I hate is at arms length. The the half of me wants to keep those empathetic parts that simultaneously block me from moving on from it all but keeps me empathetic. I want to stay empathetic but it's rather contradictory to witness that I can't move on from that empathy with out turning the other way and letting myself sink into a hateful or pessimistic mindset. I like that I'm hopeful but also like that I'm real about it too. I am emotional but also very logical. I just am having a hard time finding balance in all this.

I think I know I will find that balance eventually and I am in some ways taking a blind leap of faith into the idea I can maintain this balance. The balance of keeping myself open but also not overextending myself.

[captiveinmarz]

A letter to myself. I know love exists in you because I have it in me. Deep and vast.

I do not listen to the void where it falls unseen.

That dark bites at good memories and tears them to shreds because I can and it is me who eats it. Fuel to the fire I say. I console and consume all that is good in me. I pour myself a glass every night and I don’t drink it.

Every morning I wake up and hope someone will take it away from me so I can fill my glass once more.

Something new to wrap my cold hands around.

[captiveinmarz]

I want to be cared about in a way I can feel it. I want to care about someone back in a way they can feel it. I want to feel equally involved in a relationship as who I’m in it with. I want to be considered the way I consider others. When I care about someone I pay attention when they talk about likes and dislikes to find good compromises if anything conflicts with what I enjoy. I would like the same back.

When I say likes and dislikes I mean preferences for intimacy so intricate it would take specific instances to explain but the in essence its about considering each other’s feelings within reason to form respect and trust in a relationship. Reliability as well comes into play with creating a sense of consistency.

Emotional vulnerability is when you expose parts of yourself that could easily be wounded more than the other facets of yourself commonly show. The ability to be wounded and showcase feelings even negative ones in a way that’s understandable creates the space to voice anything creating freedom in a relationship.

[captiveinmarz]

I feel like I’m in the back of my head.

I draw down my own neck and claw at my deck.

I’m an ache that burns in my chest.

It’s not all that I am, but it’s all that I know.

I know there’s warning labels on my chest.

Reach in with out risk I think sometimes.

Id take the dive cause what’s outside is less scary than inside.

I don’t wanna Admit that often but I work on it in silence.

The clatter in my space feels dangerous to others.

[captiveinmarz]

I find it interesting that i created this blog for a reason and that very reason has come to bite me in the ass. I find it hard to see myself. Reading something I have no recollection of writing is not only heartbreaking but also eye-opening. I want to have a goal for myself. I want to have things to chase. I am infinity destroyed by my own thoughts but simultaneously healed by myself. I know I have to keep a grip on what i want even if it leave claw marks behind because right now i feel aimless. I want to have dreams.

[captiveinmarz]

I don't know where I learned that hurting is okay if I'm the only one who is hurting

I often can't help it. It feel mechanical like it's a need to do it. Like, I'm all wrong inside if I put myself first in so many cases. I allow myself to silently suffer like its a gift I give myself.

People often refer to depression and depressive thoughts as somewhat of a warm blanket you can't help but feel at home in. You can't help but put it on. I know deep down that it's not a sense of comfort I'm feeling, but simply a reaction like when you're slowly freezing to death and suddenly you feel so warm and comfortable. The comforting rattle of death on your shoulder. Not to insinuate all forms of depression are followed by suicidal thoughts and tendencies but it's still often related. I may look my peers, family and friends dead in the eyes and mean it when I say I have no thoughts of killing myself and mean it when I say it, but, I know very well that things change and if I'm not careful when I'm well, I'll sink again. Who knows how far I'll sink. I'm sometimes scared I won't be able to keep my head up. I feel like my legs are broken and I can't even breath out help me well enough for anyone to hear.

I think of the dumbest ways to cry for help and pass them off as simply intrusive thoughts. They are quite dumb ideas to put it frankly. Why delete all social media cause then it would take so much time and effort to put it all back up when I'm feeling better. Asking for help often feels like asking for people to handle you with lace gloves. I haven't found a way around my own hypocrisy. How can I ask people to handle me a different way than their first instinct when I have trouble with that myself.

It's all very overwhelming. Having to think this much all the time. I don't wanna keep thinking so deep about everything. Then again, when I don't think at all, problems stem from that as well. I'm so painfully self aware that it feels like I'm in this fucked up feedback loop.

I am trying and that is all that matters.