casstanovaa

[casstanovaa]

Addiction

I'm a Heroin Addict. Seeing me in person you would never guess it. It's been over 3 and a half years since I first started... about a year ago I moved to get away from it cuz I couldnt stop when I had access to it. But now a year later....I have access to it again and I cant stop. But this time..its worse. I dont do as much but I'm in a worse position to quit. I have a full time, 5 day a week, job working with dogs, which makes it really hard to take days off or call in sick, I work with live animals and cant just not show up and them not get takin care of. I'm great at my job, as long as i have my heroin to feel "normal", I can work my ass off, I work harder than more than half the people there. I know what you're thinking, how can someone work while on heroin, a downer that makes you wanna sleep. Because I'm a functioning addict, heroin is my motivation , my reward, it's what makes me work so hard, I work hard so I can get more heroin. Now here comes the tricky part....I wanna quit cuz it takes all my money, it takes all my time, sometimes I spend my whole day waiting for it.... its ruining my relationships and several other reasons. But.....at the same time I dont wanna quit...cuz I love it, I love the high, i love how i feel after doing it, i am able to get through my long days at work cuz i know i can relax and go get high after.... Adult life is insane, overwhelming and too much at times, and heroin is my escape. Everything is just too much for me to handle and idk how people get done all the bullshit life has to offer....paying rent, electric, internet, phone Bill's, car insurance, FOOD, gas etc. While working at a job that doesn't pay much, but not able to find another job cuz it's a small city with not many job opportunities. I'm lucky to even have a job, even if it sucks sometimes. Another huge part of my life is my dog, she means the world to me and this addiction gets in the way of what she deserves sometimes and it kills me. But when I wasnt on it for those few months, I was depressed and not giving her the happiness she deserves. Dont get me wrong, she is SPOILED, she has a good home, gets fed, walks, treats, comes to work with me. But I just always feel like I could give her more, more attention, be more in the moment with her. I know I need help, and that's the only advice I ever get, but do you know how hard it is to take the initiative to get help? How hard it is to get help when you love the drug and the high? I'm also so busy and overwhelmed all the time... I feel like I dont even have time to get help... anyway thanks for reading, check back for updates . Open to any advice, Thanks. #addiction #addict #adultlife #blog #drugs