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Koby is my favorite.

He's 6"2. Who am I kidding they're all 6' something. But Koby has the deep voice to match it. He's kinda mean but in a way, I kind of like it. I don't have to worry about what he likes or doesn't like. I'm also pretty flaky and dismissive in the beginning. My anxiety keeps me from following up on a lot of things. I cancel dates, don't respond to messages, ghosting episodes. I like how he commands attention in a way that stops all of that.

He's also a software engineer. And idk, I like having a man to match the job. Ever since I switched from art & academia to tech, I've been wanting to feel like I'm a fully a part of that world. And he does that for me. Koby also understands what I'm doing with my life & helps me with it. This tech job is scary, he makes it better

But Koby is 42, 12 years older than me. I talk a bit game about age gaps but lord knows I'm no stranger to them. But I've learned to at least wonder *why* older men aren't with older women. And part of me fears that his mean streak will get old.

Jeremiah is sweet.

He's 6'4, 33, and the manager of something. He's very funny and will bend over backwards to get me corn chips if I asked. I see so many possibilities in him. He likes the things I like, movies/music/anime. I feel relaxed around him and never regret anything I say.

But I said he's the manager of something because it really doesn't matter. He's got money, sure. But no connection to it. When I say I have to work, he doesn't understand why or respect it much. Not in the way that Koby does. He's cute but doesn't quite clean up the way I want him too. It's nothing I can't fix with a good haircut & wardrobe. And to that, I'd have to commit fully despite how I don't find him very motivated. I could also just tell him to be more ambitious. But how much do I want to change a man into something he isn't. Speaking of "a man," when I meet guys I imagine calling them "my man." Yes, it's heteronormative. But I do it. I see a romantic life & potential in Jeremiah. But I don't imagine he'd ever be 'my man.' Hed just be my Jeremiah if that makes sense

Adam made me realize 3 is enough

After breaking up with that pisces man, I kind of thought dating again would be hard. It wasn't. If anything, it was too much too fast.

I like Adam. I don't know him. But I wish I could give him the time he deserves. Hes 6'4 too. And a lawyer. He makes jokes that don't land but somehow that's funnier than the joke itself. He doesn't have any strong personality traits or interests that I can describe. Either he's too nervous or I haven't paid him enough attention. He also just texted me & the contact information reminded me that his name is Austin. But I'll keep using Adam to prove a point.

I actually really really like Adam. But unlike Koby and Jeremiah I see no romance in him. I wish I did. I wish I could go back and say "give me a month, if these 2 don't work out, I'll be back." But that sounds AWFUL.

And it literally has nothing to do with him. It's all about me & how I just happen to not be able to give anything else. He could be perfect for me and for someone else. Im just not in a position to figure it out now

After him, I stopped accepting dates & massages and paused all my profiles. I really just started as a way to distract myself and I guess it worked too well

#Leo x

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yes i posted this on my other blog but you know what it goes here too

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It's so hard getting close to someone else. And part of me worries that the only reason I didn't want to leave you was because I didn't want to do exactly I'm doing now.

The moment you said you loved someone else, I responded to that Hinge myself. In weeks, he already shows more care & desire than he did in years. And I'm trying not to be mad at myself. This entire time I thought I was just someone who was inherently difficult to love. I hung on believing that I was always asking for way too much. For the majority of my life, I've wanted to die and took everything as if I was clinging to any reason to be alive. Even if I had to beg

But the moment I let that go and during the first I believe that I'm actually going to live a long life, I start to meet people who actually want to care and know me. I'm not saying they do. But no one's ever cared about me. Those who have always leave and it's up to me to care about them. I spent my life being thankful that just having one more day with my own sick parents. I've just never known something idk easy. I just assumed that loving me was a rare miracle.

And the second I took a chance, I found something different. Part of me wonders if I could have done this the whole time. I spent years hating myself but if I had been braver stronger, I could have avoided all this. It wasn't as hard as I thought it'd be

I wanted to take time and make this period of my life mean something, not throw it away in a few weeks. Idk, I'm rambling but I don't want to admit that I really could've done this a long time ago

#leo x pieces

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I honestly feel like I died and came back to life. Like my life was gone and this life is just something completely new. That's what heart break feels like. And I can barely remember what it was that broke my heart.

Was it getting kicked out of grad school?

Was it the psych ward?

Was it breaking with my boyfriend did it?

Or was it months 3 before that when he forgot my birthday?

Or was it sometime in those 3 months when I lied about not having a job, hid money, & began planning a new secret life?

Or maybe it was when you found me at 4am in the airport during my first business trip & smashed my glasses?

Maybe it was this last Christmas. When, for the first time, I was disappointed in him, in myself, and every decision that lead me to that moment

And every day sense then I've felt that same dissapointment over and over again

All of the things I've done since then feel like I started a new save file in the Sims but used that one sim I liked from another save file.

That doesn't make sense. He used to pretend to like my sims. He listened to me talk about thier escapades. When cottage loving came out, I told him that my two sims were getting married. He said "well let's see it." He put his arms around me and we watched my sims get married

His birthday is soon

Do I be the bigger person and not ignore me like he did mine.

Or do I just ignore it.

#leo x pisces

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You don't deserve this tag. But I found someone else & for some reason that makes me think of you. And all of the things that you represent. Things you don't deserve to represent.

We'll probably be intimate soon. And for some reason, that feels official. It feels like more than my body, if that makes sense?

I didn't love you. I loved the life I saw with you. I wanted to be an artist & a critic & an academic & so many things that seem so childish in retrospect. I thought we could be quirky professors and writers living off the produce of a quirky cottage. Before I met you, a life like that seemed so real.

Now it feels like the fantasy it always was. He's a financial advisor, he wants to be VP of something, doesn't matter what. He's counter culture in the way that dating a black person turns him on. Like you were. But not enough to do anything about it. Unlike you. That's all he'll ever do to counter any culture.

But, like you, he represents so much more. He's not special. But my choices around him reveal so much about me. Being with him means I've officially given up on my dreams. Yea, the pay is nice. Paying bills and having more than enough for any service I want is also very nice.

I give men foo much credit when really it's about me. My first job in tech & finance offered 102k. I choose that over grad school. And the kind of people I meet here?

I met him here. He's the brother of one of my coworkers. They're both directors whose fathers & uncles were presidents, VPs, etc of other financial firms. They both want to be VPs but not in the way that you & I used to study to be professors. They want it in the way that they do stupid things like shell for dinners & cruises with the right people

In a way that makes him special. If he wanted a 6 figure salary, he would just be given one. But if he wants 6 figures and have the power of a corporate ladder behind him, he has to put in effort. And he does. Effort is something you never put in anything.

Men like him, surprisingly, aren't that hard to find if you aren't picky. He's 40. And like? What am I doing with my life?

Having sex with a 40 year old seems so adult. Is that what I'll be doing? Trading my life as an advocate and academic for a capitalistic one. Either way, it's still a straight white man, isn't it.

Sorry. The truth is that I have to get it out while I can. If I'm gonna stay corporate, then opportunities to talk like that won't come as often. Do you see how much I've been forced to move on?

I've met his family. As you know, I can sense things about people. Or at the very least, make wild fantasies that turn out to be uncomfortably close to the truth. His parents are desperate for him to find anyone. He's 40 for crying aloud. But this is where growing up Pentecostal comes in handy. This happens with a lot of white people. It happened with your family too. If it's going to be someone black, might as well be one whose knows enough about the bible to not cause too much trouble

What am I talking about? I'm going to fuck him. And yea, I have a lot of feelings about doing that. I honestly wish I'd done it sooner. Doing after meeting the family makes it seem like it's getting serious. I can't afford to let myself believe that

But back to me...I hate how much I tie men to life stages. This new relationship feels like a lot. It will mean I've accepted the world I've always considered an antagonist to mind. It means I work in tech and finance. It'll mean I'm a business woman who goes on business trips.

But...is it all bad? I mean? It is a lot of money. I went from an 18k grad stipend to 102k. Between you & me? I still have to whisper it. Like I've committed a sin. And I hear stories from other women. Women in tech are very friendly. My MANAGER of all people confided in me. She said that she regularly cries from the way that SAHM treat her.

That 90% of mothers groups are SAHMs who make her feel inferior because of her choices. They suggest that her career means she doesn't lover her child. Her son means the world to her.

And yet, my manager spent the morning of her son's birthday talking about training initiatives 300 miles away on a business trip. I know because I was with her.

She says, all the women say, that women like us make hard decisions. We do what we have to do. When they say "we," it makes me feel like I belong. And the scary part is, I do belong

I am a girl boss, girl bossing, who has the potential to be the ultimate girl boss. Lol, not really. But I'm smart, 28, and have found myself with no husband or children. I think they're protective of me. Like they know I'm in an unfamiliar world.

Now that I'm with him, it's permanent. Or will be. I'll be taking my securities exam soon. I want to be central to this district learning technologies. That's the life I'll have once I've officially left this one behind. I've already left it behind

Grad school broke my heart. You broke my heart. Now I don't even recognize myself. And I actually like it

#leo x pisces

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My brother and I used to be really close. Like really close and suddenly we wern't. And one day, at like 2am, an episode of Rugrats all grown up was on. Phil and Lil felt like they were growing apart and it all came to a head because Lil got her first training bra. And after watching that I finally understood. I think we both did. But, for me, it wasn't just my brother. Something was happening between me & all my friends who, at the time, identity as male.

I can't put it into words but it makes me miss the strange way that cartoons that existed only within the fringes of prime time tv had profound messages. I don't think the creators of that show will ever know that it actually helped some one so much that they remember it 25 years later.

#rugrats all grown up

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another internet thing kids wont experience is toolbar stacking:

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The crazy reverse freudian but homoerotic sexual tension in the capoera episode is insane

#stoned Bob's burgers

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them witches

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I work in financial services. It pays a lot of money but took a lot of getting used to. I work for an average corporation that sells average services...what services? I don't know what we sell.

But it's true. He was my last link to any kind of regular artistic exposure. I don't write anymore. My last article will be published soon enough. There's no reason for me to read anything any more. No real reason to create. Gonna be honest, there's no real reason to even enjoy or relax

And idk, I think when you work in the arts you always question whether or not you can actually enjoy something without always thinking of content. But on the flip side, can you enjoy something knowing that it will never be anything more.

Ughhh, I'm complaining but it's hard. And this isn't even about him. I just use him as an excuse to talk what I really want. He was the last writer I knew though.

Its not all bad. My job isn't completely devoid of creativity. I get to learn animation and photoshop. It reminds me of John Lurrie on painting with John. He couldn't play music anymore because of his illness. So he started painting. "Art became, to me, what music used to be." Or something like that. He actually said it in a way that's both more poetic and less.

I'm hoping I find something that becomes, to me, what writing and research used to be.

Or anything. Maybe this happens to everyone who takes a career shift. And maybe it will be easier after training. Its my third week and I still have 2 more.

I just wish I had a friend. I wish I had something that could make this easier instead of isolating

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Damn, I need a man like bob belcher

#stoned Bob's burgers

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Sometimes I just listen to music and maladaptive daydream. And I was daydreaming about what my birthday would be like next year.

He forgot my birthday this year. He says he didn't know it was that important to me. And like??? I've tagged our entire relationship on my secret vlog via zodiac signs. Imagine how much I talk about it in real life.

And idk, I come back from a lot of things. But that's one thing I can't come back from. I don't think any Leo can. But I know it's bad bc I didn't even mention my zodiac to him. Not this time.

Anyway, I was listening to music, daydreaming. I guess when I'm really over something, it happens pretty fast. It's weird but I imagine this whole birthday trip to Disney land and lots of jewelry rings and bracelets for my birthday. Lots of pictures and holding one another.

And he called in the middle of my maladaptive daydream, in the middle of my song. After days and after forgetting my birthday. He asked what it is that I wanted?

And I just silently realized he couldn't give me what I wanted. Not even close. He can't be the guy of my dreams. I probably should have said it out loud. But honestly, what I really, really wanted was the phone call to end as soon as possible so I could go back in my head. And for the first time, I'm okay with not having said everything I wanted to say. I don't need closure & I don't want it.

But I want someone who would put effort into us. I want him to say more than just sorry and actually try to make it up to me. I hung up on him and was dismissive. Because I don't feel like talking.

I want him to do a big grand gesture. Or maybe a small one like send a teddy bear in the mail or something. Something other than just saying sorry.

It's crazy I know but I really want this ring. Heart shaped, vvs, lab grown stone. And some bisoulovely and Kate Spade pieces.

Nothing crazy.

That's a lie. It's pretty crazy. I already mentioned I'm a Leo. But I'm almost 30

I'm allowed to day dream about someone giving me expensive jewelry for no other reason than it's my birthday

And maybe it's vain but here I am day dreaming about someone giving me Kate Spade ring in the middle of Disney world and the guy who completely forgot my birthday interrupts

We didn't talk for long. But we talked for what was probably the last time. I hung up on him. Not in a mean way. I'm just over it and not in the mood. I've been left alone for long enough to make my own conclusions and make peace with them. Whether they are true or not, they've been laid to rest and I've already mourned it

But he's not the type to even acknowledge that maybe he should just try harder or do something different. And I don't want to be with someone who won't at least try to make me believe he's actually sorry.

Kinda cheesy but:

#leo x pisces #Spotify

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It’s pretty ironic that Twitter and TikTok spend their time ragging on Tumblr AND AO3 for being organized chronologically. 

Twitter complains that you never see “relevant” content on Tumblr and Tiktok complains Ao3 doesn’t immediately spoonfeed you what some corporate run algorithm tosses your way. 

Those two shits act like chronological order is such a bad thing.

What is so bad about being able to curate your own shit on Tumblr AND search for yourself through AO3?

Why should everything be reliant on an algorithm which cannot predict a human person’s interests with as much accuracy as themselves?

Fuck your algorithms. 

Tumblrs with no followers and fanfics from “no names” deserve the spotlight too. 

It doesn’t all need to be reliant on some bullshit invisible code. 

Think for yourself, you whiny TwitterTok bitches. 

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Mr. Fishoder is a soul less and a venture capitalist but deep down he actually cares a lot about the Wharf and Felix just... doesn't

(also, you can't build condos on the beach. the foundation and weather make it difficult. the start up costs are extremely high and take an extremely long time. so like? even if they did build condos, it'd be 2-5 years until anyone ever moved in. And theres a really good chance that no one in the community could financially survive for that long.)

#stoned bob's burgers

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The episode where Bob kisses Gale starts out as one of the strongest episodes of the series but really doesn't have a strong resolution or conclusion.

Like first Linda comes up with a plan for Bob being okay with Gale pretending to have an affair. Then gets genuinely mad when her plan starts planning out. And it probably would've been a stronger episode if Linda was more involved with the Dr. Yap part of the story.

#bobs burgers #stoned Bob's burgers