clinicallyinvisible
for my feelings
since nobody else cares about them
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J told me this morning that when he made himself supper last night he realized something and that he has been thinking about stuff that he had never given a thought to before. But he said that he expected me to do all the cooking and cleaning because he valued his time over mine and he realized how much work making a meal really is. He also did say he enjoyed cooking something for himself last night. Which was nice to hear, but made me a little upset that he thought of it so late. I had tried to get this through to him multiple times before, too, and he just never got it. Not until I broke up with him and he had to start doing things for himself...
It sucks. It hurts.
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L met my parents today. He came to the house and him, his cousin and his brother hauled all the old driers out of my basement and took them away for me. I gave each of them a little cash for the help and thanked L. He gave me a look at one point. Makes me more sure he likes me back. I keep second guessing myself, but I think I need to quit doing that. I need to just be more secure in it. This was the first time we've seen each other since I broke up with J. It was awkward introducing him to my parents, but it was brief and they made quick work of moving the machines, so it's fine. The whole thing didn't last too long. I would like to see him again soon. But at the same time I also kinda just wanna isolate myself for a while after all this. It's been hard and I'm stressed and need some time.
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I think I need to stop posting personal stuff on my dogblr.
My irl friend might have found it. I know she's a tumblr user. So. Oof.
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Wish I hadn't chosen to wear makeup to work today. Wanna cry. Not okay today. I know I will be with time, but today I'm just not.
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J is bringing some of my stuff to town for me this afternoon and I'm all nervous because L is also going to be at the house later and I am desperately hoping they do not overlap at all. They SHOULDN'T, but never know. Not that anything is happening between L and I, but I am pretty sure J thinks there is. Even though I have made it clear that I have never and would never cheat.
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Had to ask L for help moving the old driers out of my basement so had to tell him about my name change. Uncomfortable. Didn't wanna tell him about it, but if he's gonna interact with my parents he has to know. He's cool about it, thank god. Still makes me nervous to tell him.
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I have been having the worst day.
I can't fucking wait until all of this is over and I can just move on. I'm scared, but I truly believe this is what's best. J is SO sure we can fix things still and has been damn near begging me to give him another chance. But he always does this when I try to break up with him or we have a fight. Every time. This isn't healthy. It hasn't been for a long time. I just wanna be done.
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I ended things with J yesterday. He took it way better than I expected. I feel terrible. I am so so so sad. Even after all the crap he has put me through, he has still been my best friend for the last 6.5 years. It's really hard. It feels good to not have this big secret anymore. I feel bad for having kept it this long. He is very hurt, which I expected. But he seems to understand and is letting me go. We are going to stay friends. I feel so awful. I am going to miss him a lot. And the two pets I am leaving with him. I thought he would fight me on it and want to keep the newest dog, but he is letting me take him and leave our oldest dog with him.
The thing that did it is that I had already bought a house. He knew he couldn't change things since I already had the place. If I had tried to do this without having already bought a place I think it would have been the same as last time, so I am kinda glad I did buy a place before doing this. I know he is hurt and so am I. I feel really fucking sad. I know it'll take time to heal. I think my first night in the new house will be hard for both of us.
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Having a very very crappy day. My shoulder and back have been hurting quite a lot lately, especially today. And now dad is all mad at me because I assumed that when I had sent him the quote for the windows and doors he looked at it, but he didn't and now is all blindsided by the cost and I made a mistake last time we talked about it and accidentally looked at the wrong quote so I was like 5k under what it actually was. I paid nearly $700 for paint today and now I'm thinking I should return all the untinted stuff because I can't afford any of this.
I'm almost considering fixing the house up and selling it for what it's actually worth and buy something cheaper that I can better afford. Or find a better paying job, even though there really aren't any out there... And especially none that would give me as much freedom as this one does. I don't have benefits here, but my boss lets me kinda do whatever and if I need time off he is so cool about it.
Idk. It's all a lot and I had a little cry about it, but I need a big cry about it. I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I am drowning just a little bit.
My dad is a big source of my emotions today. We used to be so close. It hurts a lot how bad things are now.
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When I was talking to L yesterday he was telling me about the employee he had to fire recently and he made the comment he just needs 12 of me 😂😂 I thought the sentiment was nice. I laughed and said, "Nope, just one!"
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God, I am so fucking head over heels for L. I have never really felt a connection like this with someone before. He is just so sweet and kind and soft and I wanna hold his hand.
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Spent the afternoon at the kennel yesterday and brushed the dogs. L and I talked for an hour and a half after. We seem to get along well. We have a lot of the same ideals. I really like him a lot.
He asked me again if I had broken the news to J yet. He seems almost eager for me to do so. We talked about that for a bit. He was encouraging me and asking me what my plan was and told me to think about how I was gonna do it. And I have been for weeks. It's been making me so nervous. But considering all the other things and then his encouraging me to get on with it already I really do think he likes me back.
He was also doing chores shirtless when I showed up lmao so that was 🥵
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J has been turning into more and more of an asshole over the last couple years. Idk if it's just the depression or what, but he isn't very nice when he talks to people sometimes.
Like today he is waiting to hear back from a lady he is trying to buy some snowmobiles off of and yesterday she said she wanted them gone by today, but today she hasn't messaged him back yet to say that he's good to come by and he messaged her to flat out say that her not replying yet was screwing up his day and he could have been out there and on his way home by now if she had messaged him back this morning.
Like.....that's quite rude and forward. I get he's frustrated about it, but like. God. Idk, I really don't like this kind of behaviour from him.
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L mentioned a few months back he wanted a female border collie one day and today I stumbled upon someone selling some BC puppies so I sent him the link and all he replied with was "No!" 😂😂
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I have refused for many years to believe in fate, but I don't think I can keep refusing. I think the universe is playing tricks on me about it and I suppose I should listen.
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Okay I laid out my budget and purposefully overestimated a few variables and if I spend no money on recreation and do not have any emergencies I should be able to put away $2,500 a year, approximately. Fingers crossed. God, that's not a lot of money at the end of the year. But my mortgage and everything is a huge portion of my expenses. I am going to have to be very picky with what I spend money on grocery-wise.
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L sent me a funny meme relevant to a thing we have been discussing and then checked in with me on the status of the house. I told him the people he suggested I hire for help turned me down and he said he would brainstorm how to help me out instead and that's SO sweet of him. I keep second guessing, but I do think he really likes me. Ahhhh!
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