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fyi the point of fucking up your data patterns isnt to avoid suspicion. it’s to make EVERYONE suspicious. same logic as the bloc, pals.  protect your comrades, be suspicious. ESPECIALLY if you aren’t doing anything likely to get you arrested.

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a já sa udělám tu veliků vranů, a já ti uletím na uhersků stranu, přece tvoja nebudu, ani jednu hodinu

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Flemish giant bunflower

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With each passing day France’s most influential newspaper slips further into absurdist humour with its lockdown recommendations. Someone asked them today: “Shouldn’t we double our self-isolation measures as we near the peak?” and a journalist replied soberly “Yes, we recommend that you even triple them. Excluding emergencies, you may for example self-isolate at home three times a day: from 7am to 3pm, from 3pm to 11pm, then from 11pm to 7am.”

Another reader (pictured above) questioned these drastic instructions: “This schedule is not convenient for me at all. May I, without danger, push it all back by an hour?”

Le Monde journalist: “That should be okay; as long as you don’t go out these requirements are quite flexible. You can actually stay home up to four times a day if that’s more convenient for you: from 6am to noon, from noon to 6pm, then from 6pm to midnight, and finally from midnight to 6am.”

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Chicago Tribune, Illinois, April 26, 1935

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We’ve got an itinerant cheese-selling woman who comes into town every Friday morning to sell the cheeses she purchases from local farms, and I like this old-fashioned way of buying cheese (other people, like the mayor, find it mortifying that our village is too small to support its own cheese shop). She stations herself in the plaza and likes to share news about the farms and villages she’s visited this week (at the moment we get a lot of baby animal news, like new calf announcements.) She has the unfortunate habit of denigrating her own cheeses without meaning to because she is a cheese perfectionist. You ask for a bleu, she grimaces hesitantly and says “Ah, poor choice, it doesn’t look quite right to me today”; or you tell her “I really liked the brie I picked last time, so creamy!” and she shakes her head and goes “Ah, you got lucky, often that farmer gives me such shitty brie with a chaulky texture—” then she suddenly looks frustrated with herself, you can tell she’s thinking “why am I giving this information to a client?? I’m the worst cheese saleswoman ever.” It’s very endearing. 

She also sells eggs, and always writes the name of the farmer she got it from on each carton so you can make sure to buy your friends’ eggs and avoid your enemies’ eggs. You’ve got to be like “Six Gilbert eggs please” and publicly announce where your loyalty lies, it’s a whole Thing. If one day you decide to go rogue and ask for Agnès eggs instead you can be sure people will notice, and they will talk. Getting my own chickens is the only way I have found to avoid pledging egg allegiance.

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apparently there was a telephone booth in the middle of the mojave desert originally meant to service miners and a guy claiming to be sent on a mission from god camped out in it for a month and answered over 500 phone calls, including one from the pentagon, and if that isn’t the most southwestern gothic shit i have ever heard then i will eat the entire mojave desert

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Cowboy jumps ten feet in the air over the horse, looping himself inside his lasso, near Austin, Texas, undated.

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Weird Questions

If I’m somewhere where there are Educational Personell (Museum Docents, Q&A zookeepers, Park Rangers, Public School Teachers, Professors etc.) I have a question I like to ask them:

“What’s the weirdest question someone’s ever asked you?”

I say weird and not Dumb becuase even buckwild questions can have important answers, but whoever I ask it too usually has to think about it for a bit, then comes out with something different every time.  And I love every single answer becuase it just warms my heart out there to know people are trying to understand the world a bit better, no matter how limited thier starting point. A collection of favorites so far:

Art Museum Host: “A man once asked me “Can you help me find someone and if you can’t can you find someone who can?”  Which I always thought would be a great title for an Artwork.”

Park Ranger: “I’m so glad the Japanese couple asked me “Is bear spray like mosquito spray and it goes on the jacket, or on the bear?” instead of just trying it.”

Zookeeper: “A man once pointed at the live red-tailed hawk I had out for a demo and asked me “Aren’t those extinct?” We eventually figured out he meant “Endangered” but I hear that question every time I see a redtail now.”

Primary School Teacher: “About every other year a student asks me what part of the school I sleep in at night, because clearly I live here.  I tell them I sleep under the bleachers in the gym but it’s actually the Nurse’s office.”

Professor: “A student asked me “So how do I use this in a conversation when my aunt is wine-drunk at thanksgiving and being a jerk again?” Which honestly is a fair question about philosophy and really changed how I teach rhetoric.”

Natural History Docent: “A woman once asked me what the difference between a Million and a Billion was.  Kinda pieced together that she’d just left her church for her safety, and was learning about Earth’s Natural History for the first time. Nobody else was there because it had been snowing, so I walked her through the Hall Of Time and answered as many questions as I could.  She was bewildered, but really trying. It always struck me as a really brave thing, to try to understand all of that while fresh out of a dangerous situation. I hope it helped.”

Forensic Scientist:  “People ask me how to commit murder all the time, but if you really hate someone, stealing thier identity causes much more suffering and is a lot harder to get caught at. A guy did ask me if working at a body farm was creepy and did not like that it was ok until you learned that decayed human fingers are a deer’s favorite midwinter snack.”

Zookeeper: “People call us becuase they think they’ve found an escaped animal all the time, or they think they’re neighbor’s husky is a wolf. One guy asked me if his dog was part hyena because it had spots. But that one guy really did have a Tiger in his toolshed that one time so we try to take them seriously.”

Meteorologist: “A guy once emailed me about how hard you’d have to fan a tornado to make it start spinning in the other direction and included a picture of him holding up a box fan at an approaching tornado.  We printed it out for the work fridge.”

Park Ranger: “I was giving a talk on the Yellowstone Supervolcano and a guy asked if, after it errupted, the earth would be ‘hollowed out’.  I suppose I was just relieved that he understand that the earth isn’t flat.”

Primarcy Shcool teacher: “A student once asked me where she could sell her bones online so she could by a dog.  Which? Same.”

Natural History Docent: “A guy asked us ‘If I had a time machine, and managed to kill and cook a T-Rex, what would it have tasted like?’ and every paleontologist on staff deciced to take him seriously.  They did research to learn about fat distribution, and read up on culinary science to learn what flavors meat, even did chemical analysis on the bones.  They concluded that it’d be Tough (no evidence of juicy fat pockets), bitter (carnivores tend to taste foul) and would probably kill him, because heavy metals travel up the food chain and T-Rex accumulated a lot of the cadmium that was in the dirt in the late cretaceous.  Wrote him a letter with our findings and he sent us back a drawing of him and his buddies cooking a T-Rex over a fire and all of them throwing up and dying, and it’s my favorite drawing in the whole world.”

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Iron dude   :D

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Goals

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Quit roller derby when I came out... don't pass well enough to join local hockey leagues... What am I supposed to do? Just not wear fast shoes and hurt people? Obscene.

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ok but including "dead" is cheating if you are alive you are already doing better than approximately 78% of US presidents

If you see this and you are alive, not bound by a terrible oath, and not married to your sibling, you are already doing better than approximately 90 % of the characters in the Silmarillion.

Keep up the good work!

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Coffee shop AUs are the 21st century version of the pastoralist fantasy, where the gruelling work of the lower classes is reconceptualized as a simple self-sufficient way of life where romance can blossom.

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Knight-mage Chell, portaling her way through an ancient dungeon full of traps

I genre-swapped Portal for an art challenge, and it may or may not have become a whole AU…and there may or may not be a part 2 on the way. Or should I say, a part DOS

Re-designing the portal gun and long fall boots into more fantasy-appropriate forms was a fun challenge

Edit: This isn’t Dragon Age related in any way. Sorry!

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Saint Urban of Moscow