copacetic-jumble

[copacetic-jumble]

I had a nightmare last night. It wasn't pleasant. I think I need to start writing my book. Therapy. I need both. 2023. It's going to bring both. Life is good right now, but I am in the cusp of jumping over the edge. Maybe that's my life, but I want different. I want better. I will be better. Love ❤️

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Most of us find our place in the world. Some of us never will. Keep the wanderers closer than they want you to. They need it more than you think.

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I lost you a decade ago. I had you then you were gone. In a blink. In a flash. You weren't ideal, but you were. You just were. I feel you would have been my baby girl if things were different. They weren't. Sometimes life knows more than you. Regardless, I miss you. Today, I learned that a friend had experienced one of the most heartbreaking moments in a person's life...losing the being growing inside of you. A miscarriage. They suck. The worst part is when you can't talk about it. You can never talk about your potential child. This time of year is different for me. Usually it's mother's day and the fall months. You were going to be a fall baby. Regardless, I am ok with you not being here based on my life now, but I can't help thinking about how life would be with you here. Your father and I would not be together. That's definitely for the best. But, you would have been loved. Your inherent spirit is still loved by your mama. I will never forget you. I love you.

Cheers to the rainbows that help us heal.

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I'm about to call in sick just to get some quality time off. I work for selfish people who couldn't care less about most of their employees. I hate my job.

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Sometimes I love my life.

Most of the time I hate it.

...I'm trying to change that, but it's expensive and less delicious...

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Maybe committing myself will be the easiest way to get what I want. Time off. Mental evaluations. Help.

I haven't self harmed in a few months, but I once went over a year just to find myself at the mercy of a knife.

I like my work. I love my life. But, there is no balance and no one cares. As long as the boss is making their money, we could fuck off.

Why is that?

How can any decent human completely neglect those who literally support them, yet, act like they are important? Greed.

I hate my job. My bosses suck. I let them ruin my life, but it's hard to say no when you have bills and an alcohol addiction to to feed...an addiction fed by the lifestyle encouraged by those I work for.

I miss my weekends.

I miss a normal schedule.

...Most of all, I miss my family...

[copacetic-jumble]

I hate my job. 5 years. Still only make $3/hr. The only other one who has been there longer makes more per hour plus a bonus on our increased sales. They work two and a half shifts a week...I work a full three. They (HE) makes more hourly...cash money. My only promotion was a fucking key to the building. I have had keys to CIIs in a pharmacy and a key to $millions$ in gold and diamonds, but as a bartender a key to the bar is seen as something special. I love my bar. I love my people. I couldn't care less about my owners or coworkers.

[copacetic-jumble]

You trust your friends, right?

...I don't.

Friends aren't passive aggressive.

Friends are upfront and honest.

...either I'm a fuck up, or I have terrible judgment.

Regardless, one of my favorite things is ruined.

...I guess that's friendship.

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Sometimes I am a cunt. Sometimes others are cunts. Most of the time I think I am just pissed at the world. Drugs don't work. They are just expensive. Movies are good. They feed the soul, but not enough. This is why I am single.

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Depression is funny. It seems to actually be depression only when it affects other people. Yet, when it seems to affect only you it's "all in your head" and "you are just being crazy." The irony alone is enough for a bullet. So, the next day, you put your pants on backwards and continue like life is normal.

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Small town vibes. They are wonderful. Inviting. They keep you on your toes, but grounded... especially after 15 years.

They also mean that you can't find someone. A partner. You're either too close, not close enough, or your friend has fucked them and causes tension...only when drunk, but that's often.

...it also encourages depression beyond that.

Bangor, Maine seems more and more appealing as the days go by. I need a lighthouse. I just wish I could take my family.

Maybe Germany. There we get healthcare.

[copacetic-jumble]

Lies are lies. They are worse when they are from those you love.

Those who claim to love you.

This is what we think love is.

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Sometimes friends are true. They love. They care. They encourage. Sometimes friends prove otherwise. This is how life is. This is how it begins.

What?

Either the end, or the beginning of something greater. Either way, I can't take it here anymore.