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dejaaalm · 9 months

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The Back Burner

Our pastor spent the last 8 weeks preaching about the end times in Revelation. During the course of this series, it made me thought a lot about eternity and my own faith journey.

Looking back, I have been a Christian all my life. I grew up going to church every Sunday and for as long as I can remember, there was not once in my life that I thought about turning my back on God. I've always known myself to love God. I can still remember being a little girl, between the ages of 8 and 10, kneeling at the altar praying with my family for God to bless the new year. I became a youth leader at the age of 13. I was baptized in water at the age of 14. I received the Holy Spirit and spoke in tongues at the age of 17. I was a worship leader. I got married and served as a Children Ministry Director for 10 years. I just retired at the end of 2022.

In the earlier part of my life as a child, going to church was fun. My parents always made sure we wore our best to church because church was a holy place and we needed to honor God with our best. That sounded good to me because I loved wearing dresses. I got to see and play with my friends, learn Hmong hymns, and learn Bible stories.

When I became a teenager, our youth group kind of fell apart. Some got married and moved to the adult ministry. Some didn't want to come to church anymore. Some just went MIA. My group was just about to join and we had no leaders. I stepped in and volunteered to be the Youth President at the age of 13. I asked my brother Hang to help guide us since he was older and had experience leading youth ministry. I didn't know what I was doing but I knew to trust in God's doing. At this point, church started to become more busy. It was still fun but filled with roles, responsibilities, agenda, and building relationships with people. My focus shifted from learning to leading.

Into my adulthood, I left my childhood church to help my brother Hang plant a new church which would later become the church I attend now. I transitioned from youth ministry to children ministry. Big difference! I stayed leading in this role for the next 10 years teaching children about God's salvation. That would be my main focus year after year. You see, children forget about many stories in the Bible. The main story I want children to always know and remember is the story of Jesus because I encountered the love of Jesus when I was that little girl in Sunday school. To this day, I still cannot explain how or why, but as a child, I had this deep understanding of God. No, I can't read God's mind or know what his plans are, but what I mean is that I could feel it in my heart and body that He was real. I had a connection with him. That would be a testimony for another time.

As an adult, church was still fun but in a different sense. It was fun seeing our church family, kids, and visitors. It was fun teaching children and organizing different activities and events. Church was also overwhelming. Serving week after week was exhausting. Planning with different leaders can be complex. There were a lot big pieces moving at once. Sometimes, those pieces didn't move at all or it didn't go as planned. Without Jesus, it's easy to lose sight of what being a Christian is and what going to church is all about.

Today, I can say that that little seed of faith that was planted within me when I was a child has grown tremendously. The Holy Spirit has disciplined me (and continues to discipline me) a lot in the areas that I lacked. Thus far, I have learned that I am nothing without the love and mercy of God. I am still nothing without God.

The Revelation series made me thought about my history with God. My history with God brings instant tears to my eyes. I am reminded of the song "Goodness of God" by Bethel Music. Such a good song! When I look back at my younger years and faith journey, I see how much God has transformed me spiritually. I see how faithful and loving He is. He is who He says He is. (Exodus 3:14) Earlier, I said that there was not once in my life that I thought about turning my back on God and that I've always known myself to love God. This does not mean that I didn't think about quitting church, giving up, or following God on my own terms. I did! A lot. I've had moments where I was angry and disappointed at the outcome of things. Even so, those moments were not enough to make me shut him out completely. The one thing that always brought me back to my knees with tears is Jesus. Jesus is the Son of God. He is perfect. He came into this imperfect world and died on the cross for my sins. He took my place on that cross.

You see, the Bible says, "For the wages of sin is death but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ." (Romans 6:23) I am supposed to die for my sins. I am supposed to not have an option for eternal life. But Jesus died in my place and all I have to do is surrender my all and believe in him and I have the gift of eternal life. It sounds so easy but the road to eternal life is not that simple.

The Bible teaches us in Matthew 19:23-34, "Then Jesus said to His disciples, Assuredly, I say to you that it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. And again I say to you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." There are a lot of context behind this message and I urge you to research into it, but to shorten it, eternity is a gift that God gives because of Christ’s work. We don’t do the work that earns eternal life. Jesus did the work that earns eternal life - died on the cross and resurrected from death. And the reward that God gave Him is to give us eternal life. It’s not a reward for doing good works. Heaven isn’t the destiny of those that have lived a holy life. It’s impossible for anyone to earn salvation. But what’s impossible with man is supremely possible with God and that was His son.

After each church sermon, our pastor asks us one question "Holy Spirit, what are you teaching me in this moment?" The message that God has been constantly instilling in my heart is that eternity is real. Heaven and hell are real. The choices we make on this earth are important and affects our eternal residence.

There are many Christians who have placed God in the back burner. Do you know what that means? The term "back burner" is used to describe low priority tasks. When I'm cooking and there is a pot of food that doesn't need to be heated or cooked yet, I move it to the back burner because it is not the first priority. Or, if something needs to simmer or be on low heat, I also place them in the back burner. Do you place God in the back burner spiritually? Are there things in your life that takes precedence or top priority over God? Maybe you've put God on hold because you want to take control of your life. Maybe you're hurt and think that He can't help you. Maybe you feel that you are too busy.

Let me remind you, eternity is real. Where you will spend the rest of eternity is real. Everything on this earth is temporary. Your job, your success, your money, your fame, your assets, and your education. Keep your eyes on Jesus (Hebrews 12:2). As I write this, I pray that you may be free from what is holding you back. I pray that God may be the top priority in your life. I pray that Jesus will be the grand prize you're looking for. If God is sitting on your back burner, I pray that you would have a spiritual shift today.

I share this message with you today, because I too, have placed God in the back burner before. There have been many occasions when I wanted to throw in the white towel and walk away. Doing church is too much work. Too much commitment. Too much giving of my time and money. I cannot express how heartbroken I would be if Jesus threw the white towel and said "This is too much! I can't die for Deja." I hope this message encourages you today.

I also recently read this book, "Between Two Trees," and I think you might find this one moving and uplifting. It is a bit more of a challenging read (if you don't know a lot about Genesis and Revelation), but this book has a lot of insights about Revelation and eternity. I found it to be very insightful and empowering and hope that it will be the same for you also.

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dejaaalm · 2 years

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Monday Silence

My dad had been in the hospital since August 2nd because he wasn’t feeling well. No one was available to be at the hospital with him and my mom on Monday, August 8th, so I told my siblings on Sunday night that I would call in sick to work and go be with them.

Monday came. I woke up at 8 AM. It was a beautiful sunny day. I got my kids ready and dropped them off at my sister’s house. I picked up my mom and we both headed to Regions Hospital. Jerry stayed the night with dad so he was exhausted. He said dad was still pretty much the same. By this time, we were told that dad had pneumonia and had been using an oxygen mask at the maximum level to support his breathing for two days. He was very weak but still responsive. He was still able to nod his head and talk.

The night before, I compiled a list of questions I wanted to ask dad and topics I wanted to talk with him about. I normally did this when I took dad to some of his appointments. I did not want to have any regrets or missed opportunities. We always had something to talk about. But when I arrived in his room and saw him, I could not contain the sadness within my heart. He had seen my mom and some of my siblings weeping for him to get better. I chose to be calm and cherry. I walked in and said cheerfully “Hi dad! I’m here to be with you all day.” Dad nodded his head.

You’d think that we talked a lot but we didn’t. I found myself at a loss for words. Aside from talking with mom, I sat in the room in silence with my dad while constantly checking on him and holding his hands. Every time I wanted to say something, I just wanted to cry. I massaged his hands and feet. Helped reposition him when his body felt sore. Translated when he needed something.

Dad hadn’t sleep in days. He hadn’t eaten anything for over 24 hours. He was not allowed to eat or drink anything because he had pneumonia and a leaky feeding tube. He was confined to the bed. Dad had told me how thirsty he was throughout the day and they wouldn’t let him drink anything.

I had all day to be with my dad. It’s the moment we all wish we’d have before someone we love passes away. But here I was, unknowingly, with the perfect opportunity to ask anything or say anything, and I couldn’t say anything. My siblings had been texting and messaging all day. I just watched dad and observed everything going on. I watched him suffering and cried in silence. My dad cried off and on too. My mom wiped his tears and told him to not cry. I wanted to take that stupid mask off of him. I wanted to feed him. I wanted him to get up and move around. I wanted to take him home and free him from his pain. I wanted to do so much for him. At one point, my dad said to my mom “Let me go. I’m done.” My mom and I cried and she said “I’m not letting you go yet. Our corn is not ready yet. You have to come home and eat the corn I planted this year.” Dad said “Then let’s go together. I hate this mask.” I just squeezed my dad’s hands and cried.

Dad trying to take a nap. He was fighting hard to not sleep because he kept saying he was afraid of “going” if he fell into a deep sleep.

Hanging out with my daddy. He didn’t want to watch tv so mom and I just stood beside him and talked to each other to keep him company. At one point, I was telling a funny story about my sister Mk and we saw my dad chuckling a little bit.

Dad was given a break from the oxygen mask for a bit. Mom was holding onto dad’s hand while he told her that he wanted both of them to “go” together.

This was the view from dad’s room overlooking highway 35E north and southbound.

Around 1:00 PM, several doctors and nurses came in to dad’s room with a Hmong interpreter. It was not the conversation I wanted to hear. The doctor said that they’ve done everything they could to help dad and that we needed to prepare for the worst. Dad’s pneumonia was not getting any better. The doctor asked my dad if he was having any anxieties and dad responded in Hmong that he was in fact feeling worried. He is worried for his family because he knew that his time was coming to an end. I just bawled my eyes out when I heard him say that. Dad started crying and said that he didn’t want to leave his family behind. The interpreter translated what dad said to the doctors and they all nodded in silent. Then I called my brother Hang to join in on the conversation.

After the doctors left the room, my mom kept crying and praying for my dad. I brushed my fingers through his hair and wept as well. The strongest man I know is dying and there's nothing I can do to help him. My heart ached with so much pain.

Mom cleaning dad’s dry lips and moisturizing it.

The last thing my dad said before I was leaving the hospital was “Me naib, muab qhov dej ntawm kov rau kuv haus.” (Sweetie, give me some of that water to drink.) The nurse had allowed mouth swabs only which was a little stick that had a tiny sponge attach to the end of it. I was only allowed to dip that sponge into the cup of water to swab that into his mouth. My mom wept as I did that and said to dad “You always refused to drink water and now that they won’t let you drink anymore, you are dying to drink. I feel so helpless honey.” The last thing I did for my dad was swabbed his mouth with water to quench his thirst.

Before I left the hospital, I held my dad’s hands and said “Txiv, kuv yuav mus tsev es koj yuav tsum uv thiag thiag. Kuv tu mi tub ntxawg txawj txawj taug kev lawm es koj yuav tsum los tsev los pom nws taug kev.” (Dad, I am going home now so you must keep fighting. My baby Zayn is walking now so you must come home to see him walk.) Dad nodded his head. I hugged my mom and left his room.

On the way home, I cried and prayed to the Lord. “God, there are lots of people dying everyday and those who pray to live another day. Over a year ago, I selfishly prayed for you to keep my dad alive, to heal him, to keep him here longer with us. And You did! If you must take him home now, I will be sad but my heart will be at peace knowing that he is going to you.”

My dad passed away the next day, August 9th, around 3:30 PM. Due to Covid restrictions, only a few people were allowed to be in the room with my dad to see him take his last breath. I got to see him at 3:50. His hands and arms were still warm. I held his hands, rubbed his arms, and brushed his hair. I cried and said “Who will I call dad now? We still have so much to talk about. So much I still need to learn from you. So many stories that I still want to hear about. I’m not ready to live a life without you dad.”

“Sometimes, the most beautiful things are found in silence.”

I will never forget that Monday. God knew I needed that moment to be with my dad. I needed to just be with him in silence. Thank you God! Thank you for letting me be with him that Monday. I am still mourning. I am still sad. I am still heartbroken. I don’t know when this will end but I am at peace knowing that my dad is not suffering anymore and that God hears our prayers.

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dejaaalm · 2 years

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dejaaalm · 2 years

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I want to visit Switzerland someday! ❤️

㋡🥀

Lake luceme Switzerland..

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dejaaalm · 2 years

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And journaling too! ❤️

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dejaaalm · 3 years

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10 Years of Marriage

I have known my husband for a total of 13 years now and this past September we celebrated our 10-year wedding anniversary. I can’t believe it’s only been 10 years because it feels like I’ve known Scott all my life. Ten years later, we have 3 beautiful children, a cozy home, and a pretty fabulous life.

I always joke about how I grew up into my adulthood with Scott because we met when I was 20 and got married when I was 23. In retrospect, he kind of raised and influenced me to be the woman I am today. In my culture, 23 is considered kind of old and in his culture that is considered kind of young to get married. Nonetheless, we got married and held it together the last ten years. I’ve learned some hard and valuable things about marriage, about my husband, and even about myself.

This blog or writing segment is an informal collection of my reflections from over the years.

Marriage

Marriage is not a band aid or remedy that can fix my existing pain or mental health struggles. It cannot heal my baggage, old wounds, or personal battles. If you think getting married is going to make your loneliness or depression go away, well, I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t. My spouse is not responsible for my happiness, success, or contentment with life. I AM!

Marriage does not replace my need for God’s love. It cannot and will not fill the void in my heart. My husband cannot comprehend all the depths of my thoughts, feelings, emotions, hurt, or pain. Only God can carry that burden and know exactly what I need and how to fulfil those needs. In our marriage, God is always first.

Marriage is hard. If your marriage is not hard, I envy you. I don’t know about all newly wedded women but I suffered from depression in my first couple of years of being a married woman. The transition from being a single woman living with my parents and siblings to living with my new husband was not easy for me. I found myself missing my parents, siblings, and my “old life” a lot and I cried frequently. A lot of my close friends who I always hung out with stopped calling and stopped wanting to hang out. I was now considered a “married” woman and somehow that meant I needed to be isolated and behave differently. Sadly, there is no training course on how to transition from being a single person to being a married person. With that being said, Scott and I worked a lot on our communication skills to truly understand one another such as discerning our body language and tone of voice, our willingness to not make an assumption about the other, and being mindful about our choice of words to encourage rather than discourage each other. We’ve come a long way and we still choose to work on this every day no matter the circumstances.

Marriage requires sacrificial love. This was a hard one for us because through marriage we learned how selfish we both were. Our natural default is to think of ourselves first and have things our way, do things on our own time and schedule, and make independent decisions without consulting the other. I heard a pastor jokingly said this once in a sermon “I believe that marriage was designed to kill us.” That resonated within me because I think of the high rates of divorce in America and how so many married couples divorce due to irreconcilable differences. Of course, this is not the only reason why and there are lots of other reasons why people divorce such as domestic violence and infidelity. All to say, marriage will not work if you only care about yourself first. I think of all the times Scott sacrificed his sleep to help feed our babies in the middle of the night even though he was extremely tire and delirious and had to get up early for work in a couple of hours. He did it because he loved me and our kids. I also think of how he worked so hard to support me so that I can complete my college degree and have a great career. I was a married, but poor college student, and we relied heavily on Scott’s income early on in our marriage.

Marriage is not a competition nor does it hold onto envious feelings (khib siab). I’ve known many couples who fight over things like “It’s your turn to do this” or “I’m not going to do this unless you do it too.” You might think that sounds silly but people really do separate because they couldn’t agree on who will wash the dishes, or who will take the trash out, or who will watch the kids so the other can go out to party. Some couples also compete to wear the pants in the relationship, or who can make more money, or who can get more fame, and etc. Some couples even do pay backs. “He did this to me to hurt me so I’m going to do it right back at him.” Scott and I do get competitive when we play against each other in games, but we know that marriage is not a competition. We are a team and we support each other through the ups and downs. We have learned the art of apologizing and forgiving through many experiences in our 20′s. We’re not perfect but we strive to genuinely apologize and forgive completely.

About My Husband

I’ve learned that my husband’s love language is not the same as mine. My love language is spending quality time and his love language is acts of service. If you want to know more about what I’m referring to, I highly recommend the book “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. We’ve learned to honor and display our affection in different ways so that we can both give and receive love according to our love language. To put this in perspective, Scott displayed his love for me by being outdoor one whole summer to build me a beautiful garden. While I do enjoy and appreciate the garden, I would have preferred for him to be indoor and cuddle with me while watching a movie together. He is showing his love to me via his love language which is acts of service because that is also how he receives love. He loves it when I massage him, or do the laundry, or cook his favorite meal. That makes him feel loved and appreciated. However, to me, those are all just tasks. They do not make me feel loved, wanted, or appreciated. My love language screams for a walk in the park holding hands, a trip to the ice-cream shop with our kids, or staying up late to chat about our dreams and future goals. Like I’ve mentioned, we’ve come a long way. But the point I’m making here is that some people never respond to their spouse’s love language and so the love dwindles away. Some refer to it as “We fell out of love.”

My husband needs his friends. Yes, you heard me! He needs his friends in his life. As a wife and mom, I know that life can get crazy with all the endless loads of laundry, piles of dishes, messy bathrooms, doctor appointments, and kids’ sports practices. I need a break from it from time to time and so does my husband. Here is the thing, my husband can’t be my punching bag for everything and neither can I be that to him. He needs other people who he can confide in, share his stories of success and failures, and enjoy some time away for his own mental health. Not only that, I love his friends! Most of them. Just kidding!

I value my husband’s strengths. It’s easy to look at our spouse and complain about all the things they lack or compare them to our friends’ spouse but I’ve come to truly appreciate my husband’s strengths, leadership, and creativity. Have you ever worked on a project with someone and just did not like their ideas or their process of putting things together? I have. Scott and I love to do 500-1000 pieces of puzzles together but the way how we organize and separate the puzzle pieces are completely opposite from each other. He likes to organize the puzzle pieces by colors and the shape of the puzzles (i.e.double wings together and double ears together). I like to organize the pieces by colors too but I group them into smaller sections across a larger canvas and work the borders moving toward the center. I have heard some couples say “We are very compatible with each other.” I’m not really sure what exactly that means but I imagine that it means they get along and don’t have any conflicts at all. Just because I have an Iphone and a phone charger does not mean that they are automatically compatible with each other. It needs to be a specific type of phone charger to fit the Iphone to charge. So, as you can imagine, I’m not sure what people mean by compatibility because Scott and I are far from being compatible. We’re more like putting car pieces and airplane pieces together and somehow making it work as a mode of transportation. Scott and I both have different leadership traits, techniques, and experiences but we’ve learned to value each other’s strengths and support one another when the other lacks. I guess this is how we maintain our compatibility with each other.

I’ve always thought that Scott was a very handsome and attractive guy. BUT he looks even hotter when he’s washing baby bottles and cooking meals for our kids! I love him so much.

About Me

Over the years, I have learned to love my new identity as a married woman. In the beginning of our marriage, I went through an identity crisis. I felt like I didn’t know who I was anymore and what to do with this new married identity. I’ve learned that I didn’t lose sight of who I was but rather I found another version of me that I didn’t know would exist. A better version I might add.

“Bitterness is like cancer. It eats up the host.” I love this quote by the great Maya Angelou. It took me a long time to fully understand it and actually live it. If you have bitterness of any kind, I urge you to work on getting rid of it. Bitterness against your spouse does not destroy your marriage, it actually destroys you.

My mom has always exemplified what it means to be a good wife. I loved seeing how she took care of the house, how she loved and treated my dad, his friends, our relatives, our guests, and how she loved and cared for my siblings and me. Of course, all of that didn’t register in my head until I got married. Suddenly, all of those long lectures from my parents during my teen years started to make sense and they became like honey and gold to me. I wanted to be a good wife just like my mom. I hope that I have been a good wife to my husband in the last 10 years—taking care of our house, treating his friends and family with love and care, and doing the best that I can for us and our children.

After being married to Scott for 10 years, I’m sad to say this but I’ve become a lot like him. Sometimes I talk like him or say things that he would normally say. Kind of scary. The awesome flip side to this is that I’ve adapted a new perspective on life and how to deal with different situations. Before and early on in our marriage, I was always so focused on what people would think of me, so afraid of trying and failing, and getting judged by others. If you know Scott, you know that he doesn’t care about what anyone thinks. He’s a daredevil and he always proves to others that he can do it. I’m still not as bold as him but his positive influence has made me more confident in who I am and what I can do. I love that he always supports me with my dreams and goals. When I feel discouraged or down, I know I have him here to motivate me and help me regather my thoughts.

I remember a few weeks prior to our wedding, Scott and I visited Grandma Blanche to spend some time with her. We were all chatting away and Scott and I were on the floor playing Sequence in her living room (something that I tremendously miss doing at Grandma’s house) when suddenly Grandma said “I just love how both of your eyes sparkle when you two look at each other.” This is something I will never forget, and sure enough this wasn’t the last time she said it to us too. Grandma always tells us this. I pray and hope that the sparkle in our eyes will last forever too when we look at each other.

It’s such an amazing milestone--to be married to my best friend for 10 years! I can’t wait for the many more years to come and the life lessons that will come along the way. Thank you for your love, babe! Thank you to our families and friends. Thank you GOD for always blessing us!

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