dirtyfantasyleague

[dirtyfantasyleague]

Tony’s Power Rankings!

GOOD EVENING!  

I am in Chicago at the Elysian,

With girls claim they models….. but mmmhmmm I don’t believe em

I want to first congratulate all the participants in this years fantasy football league.

This year was a year many had the choice to “Opt Out” and no one would mock / bully you.  No this is what many have referred to as “Just like the flu…. It will just disappear”.  And the only thing that disappeared this year [insert hairline joke].

Second to all the playoff tributes, that in a way, were randomly selected out of a hat.  Unfortunately us loser virgins suck at this and do not deserve our team to be featured in this article.  

Third to God and my Family… Love y’all

So without further Erykah Badu the playoff Power Rankings.  

Coming in 6th from Laredo, Tx standing at 5’ 6” tippie toeing…… Osc…. Kelvin…

6. Kelvin

Fortunately our man gets the bye week however, this is a week I believe he needed his team to play this is a hungry week 14.  Playoff seeding, contracts are coming up, which players have heart.  Yet, in week 15 I don’t see the likes of Landry, Tonyan, Tom Brady, or R. Jones going off.  On his bench are a bunch of handcuff players with no expectation of getting the ball.  Im sorry man I know you have a lot on this from the fans back home, but you’re not good kid

GG

5. Oscar

It’s easy he has scored no more than 89 points in the last 3 of 4 games.  I am not going to re-type this you can re-read it.  

Yes that stat in a leagure were points and highlighst are cool for the kids Ooo brother this team.  First off the Chargers gave up last week you know that right? I think they can come back and put a W together but they are not going to shine on your scoreboard homie.

I like the Cam pick up that is cool but I guarantee you don’t even know if he when the coach lets him get the rock.  Chase Travis FBTeam, and my homie from the hood out in Oak Cliff Jamal Adams.  

But they ain’t like they wasn’t around the last 3 of 4 games fool so don’t hype your team up.  You may win this round and if you play kelvin after…. But your team ain’t getting that parade

4. the hippie with the man bun TITO or Heck-Ter

Yeah Russell.. AND MCCAFFREY (as I can hear him raising his voice lol)

And then what? Nah like for real?

Bears quit on the team and Robinson will get his but not a 2 tD masterpiece

Godwin is sharing the receptions with too many people.

Waller cool

Montgommery tf???

And brother your bench is wack you have some players that you are not even giving a chance out there. There is a reason you were a leader in bench points.  You should be 5th but I gave you 4th because I expect you to go out there and Let it FLY, Trust the Gut ;) I do

3. All Rise for Judge Vigil

Yeah Vigil being a crooked lawyer and sliding past the whole league.  He retired to pursue his passion in the law however came back.to try and reclaim what is “his right”.  

I like his team, don’t love it… I can keep typing and tell you why but I paused my movie because I did promise you this by tonight.  

Anyways I like them because most players have big play potential,  I am saying each RB can get you 2 TDs or total of 125 yards.  The WRS are similar.  QB who is out to prove something?? Why isn’t he married or have a girl. I honestly think he may be a bit of a weirdo when drunk

Either way hats off to Vigil for putting together some Falcons players and some nobodies to create a decent team

2.  El Bombero (the one you close your eyes and imagine)

Desean… *that whistle your tio does when the carne looks good*.. I like Desean. The man cried on the sidelines and proclaimed I am tired of losing… That’s a QB (my QB I actually statistically a WINNER). The WRs.  AJ Brown (whom I knew was better than DK coming out of the same college).  And Julio mutha funkin Jones.  That homie is due for a 236 yard game (no TD) but still

Gronk may actually have an advantage from the bye week and you know him and Tom are going to get that redzone offense right.  And the sly fox took Deebo in Waivers.  I don’t know the status on Clyde but the Chiefs have been stalling out in the second half of games and not finishing (i.e. bucs game). I think Edwards Elcair (the pastry) will help the chains churning in the back half of the season.

By the way Benji’s team

1.     El Bombero (the dancer one)

Hola (speaking his native toungue)

I love it just do… all of it… I have been looking at it since September… I took November off for the cause… but wooooo This past weekend she was back…. Miguel’s high flying team..

Chubbb… Stole Gibson Guitar

Hopkins and Kyler combo WHOM ARE ALL COMPETTING FOR PLAYOFFS AND NEED THERE STARS TO SHOW UP

DK which I know I like AJ more, Russell one hell of a deep ball thrower….. MR UNLIMMMMITED

Taylor out of Wisconsin,  I know it’s like hit or miss with those backs but this one with dump it down Phil looks good.  

Colts defense is alive and well… oh yeah Deforrest didn’t play in the Titans game so chill

The decision between Hockenson and Andrews may make or break you that is the toughest decision you may meed to make.  I like Higgins but back up QB and I like Hines but tht’s if Taylro goes down…. Oye Wei tu equipo esta con madre.

From Tone with Love

XOXO

[dirtyfantasyleague]

Today is History

Today is History. Today will be remembered.

One day, the young will ask and wonder about this very day. About the acts, omissions and events that transpired on this day.

Today is History, men, and you are a part of it.

Eight years ago, the founding fathers of this once prominent League set out to establish a lasting Legacy, a Legacy in which we yearned would persevere for a millennium. To the point in which what we built and predicated our life expectancies upon would last not only in this lifetime, but on to the next where our sons and daughters could carry on the Legacy we built.

We have stood by and watched the League succumb to corruption, disdain and shame. A plague that comes in the form of hierarchal leadership has come and gone. We have been subjected to regime, after regime, after regime. Together, through three different administrations, our Legacy has gone from once being a beacon of hope, the pinnacle of what all other leagues should strive to become and be, to nothing more than a mere joke. An embarrassment. A shame which, not only that we have to bear as participants, but our future generations have the burden of dealing with as well.

Collectively, these three men have come and settled and took hold our League. And through it, they flourished and prospered in the fields of competition, drafting, management and football. They came here with nothing. Nothing. And nothing is what they have turned our beautiful creation into.

For those eight years, we have had corruption and chaos. Friend helping friend. Compadre ayudando compadre at the top. No consideration for performing the fiduciary duties of the Office of the Commissioner. Think about that.

As of this week, I would have turned those eight years into nothing more than a mere rumor. They seize to exist. They never happened.

Today is History, and you are a part of it.

What if I told you that everything you were taught from a young, adolescent age by your mother, father, teachers, idols, heroes and elders was nothing more than a lie. A fallacy. That good does not always conquer evil, and the righteous prospering. I am living proof of that.

From a young age, I was taught that a rattlesnake skin is the same color of the leaves, they would say. That you have to get them before they get you. And that is exactly what I have done. From Steve, to Hector, to Oscar, to Benji, to Kelvin, to Dan, to Alexis, and come by the end of this week, the golden boy, Tony, will also succumb to the intellect and success of The Vigilante.

Despite his past success and being thrust with the unbearable and stressful task of representing this League as its Face and representing the last remnants of a regime which has for far too long tarnished our Legacy, the mighty shall fall before the Third Reich (Evolution, H-Town Till We Drown and now Das Reich). Like his superiors, Oz, Dan and Steve, Tony shall, too, not adhere to the norms of the “Cowboys Crew,” and that is, keep the power to influence of this League within a collective few.

For far too long, the “Cowboys Crew” believed that they were the be-all almighty. That is, until the “Texans Crew” consisting of Benji, Gomez and Vigil put those bastards in their place. For the past few years, the championships and championship representations have been dominated by those three men that have been branded as the “Texans Crew” (essentially not Cowboys fans which loathe the organization and their fanbase). Even the National Football League adhered to the standards of the “Cowboys Crew.” The NFL slandered the Defending Champion by having the gull to state they he would go winless, while Steve and his mindless rabble of minions possess winning, respectable records. Yet, I still await my ill-fated fate. That my comrades, is the definition of being humbled and put in your place. The NFL and the “Cowboys Crew” have been put on notice.

But the “Texans Crew” and Vigil are not the only gladiators who have put the NFL and the “Cowboys Crew” in their place. Worthy adversaries in Manny and Hector have appeared out of nowhere to lay claim to shaking up the hierarchal approach. Manny is responsible for perhaps the greatest upset, to date, in which he walloped, humbled and embarrassed what was once a promising start to a march towards the elusive DFL Championship by Tony. Manny made the impossible, possible via his victory over Tony.

And Hector. A man who was once considered a mere gap-filler to fill-up a team spot, has blossomed into a worthy competitor. Hector has done away with the stereotype placed on him. A stereotype in which it was perceived that he did not have the guts to pull the trigger on blockbuster deals and had no chance in Hell to, not only make the playoffs, but to win the Title. As of this day, Hector stands in the fifth playoff spot after pulling off a stunning, and necessary, trade in which he landed Kirk Cousins and Jordy Nelson and only costing him DeVante Adams. The man has shed the label of being a pushover on one’s way to the promise land, to now being an obstacle that one must conquer in order to win the prestigious DFL Title.

Regardless of the final outcome after this fantasy football season is over, this League, OUR LEGACY, will forever change. But through all the pending changes, this Legacy will endure for a millennium. Today is History, men, and you are a part of it.

Lang lebe Amerika! Lang lebe Das Reich! Lang lebe DFL!

Jesus is a 2 time DFL Champion, a lover of probably 4 NFL teams, a fantasy football revolutionary, and someone who doesn't give two-shits about your feedback. He is not available for comment at this time

[dirtyfantasyleague]

Winter is coming

Who will rule the Throne after this season?

After 6 weeks of bloodshed we’ve figured a few things out. As the scribe of the league, it is my duty to record my accounts as I have witnessed. For the first time, all teams have returned to the field, last season left many, including myself, feeling empty. Lord Vigil slayed the Late, Prince Gomez to claim eternal glory and also put an end to the whispers of the haters. However, there are whispers in the realm of an uprising and now we’re in week 7 of the 2018 Fantasy War…. Power Rankings 1. Hopkons this Dick (5-1) - A team once laughed at, has slowly become a name to be reckon with. Originally Young Prince Gomez believed in the Dragon of Patrick Mahomes. HOWEVER, the young prince has gathered followers that can run the ball and average a TD a game.  As well as two feared pass catchers that are the ying and yang of his team (hope you get the color scheme joke). If the young prince does not get caught up in the Brothels he may be able to de-throne his uncle and take the throne. T-2. Samwell Tarly (Vigil) (6-0) - A team without an L. 2X league champion. With the help of his Maester Vigil has proven that with the history bestowed upon this great land he can continue to find success in the realm. Albeit (his favorite word), he is hit with an injured RB and a shaky WR core, ban he still find success as the season continues or will the bye weeks prove that winter is coming? Is this the season he finally gets the respect, he’s desired his entire life? I think not. T-2. The (Stal)wart- Anthony (like the std you got from SPI’13), won’t seem to go away. His team has been a problem since the inception of this league. The strategy behind his team’s genetic makeup consist of pass attempts, touches and targets. There may be shaky games where no one shows up, however, his Monte Carlo Simulation (business analysis) shows that his team will statistically finish well. Don’t be fooled by his teddy bear smile. He means to steal your girl & fantasy championship. 4. The Drunk Lannister  - He’s not playing this time. Nate sold his drinking soul for an offspring which aided him in putting the beer down and the football fantasy reports up. Tom “GOAT” Brady, the two headed dragon of WRs with Big Ben always tossing the ball and a RB core of handcuffing players; this man has put together more wins this year than the past three years combined.  Don’t be fooled by his friendly “Let’s drink”, because at the end of the day you will spend $99 on a McGregor fight and he won’t show up… or text.

5. Night’s Watch Dan - With a good job, busy school life, & steady Girlfriend, many question Dan’s hunger, like does he even eat?  He still reps the same, unoriginal name for years. As a member of the Night’s watch Dan may be in hiding or ready to drink and party. I honestly think Dan is power ranked 1 and his team just put up a 200 point game which I think may be a sign that Winter has Come.  I am calling it now, albeit if the night’s watch can hold off the wildlings, Dan will win this year.  His 3-3 record puts him here for now...

6. Manny (the third eye raven)- We all laughed as this man drafted Duke Johnson (projected 3rd RB for the Browns), the haters even yelled “Hold that Door” when his team was made up of Packers, but you know what he is 4-2. Like WTF? And one of those wins was against me. But God Doggit this man has a team.  He will be a tough team to play when winter comes and he is able to see who to start and who to sit.  If Manny wants to take the next step in being able to channel his energy he should look to trade one of his QBs to improve his team and surpass those bastards above him.

7. The Mountain- Ah yes Hector. Added to this league as an easy win as shown in his rookie year of the league.  And after a humiliating draft, this guy actually hit the weights and became the right hand man to the king.  With a few missing pieces to put him in the top tier of fantasy teams Hector has players liable to get 20+ points any given day.  Don’t think this is an easy win anymore.

8. Ozzie’s Intern- (Deep Sigh) No one believes Lexi and he is the 8th best team in the league, but due to poor coaching he is 2-4. He’s rallied his people, and there’s legitimate excitement, that this could have been his year. However, his slutting days have gotten the best of him and he won’t ever leave the brothels (bottom 6 players) to stand a chance of claiming the throne. 8. Manny (the third eye raven)- We all laughed as this man drafted Duke Johnson (projected 3rd RB for the Browns), the haters even yelled “Hold that Door” when his team was made up of Packers, but you know what he is 4-2. Like WTF? And one of those wins was against me.   T-9. Benji - The Jon Stark of the league. Benji is well loved and everyone hopes to see him return for the next season.  He has resurrected from the dead by telling us “this is my last season” and coming back to prove something.  There is always hope from his team, however, this year he has been out of action.  Whispers of his 1-5 record are beginning to startle the kingdom.  We (and I am speaking for everyone in this league) still believe you will claim the throne, but this season you might be done. *Mic Drop (he is my rival in this league). T-9. Nate’s Cousin - Lets be real, I always forget he is in this league and I am glad he changes players and his name.  Hanging with the drunk has shown to pass the curse of losing to you.  Thank you for participating. T-9. Steve - Cmon Alex, you should be better than 1-5. I think it’s safe to say this matchup this week is a loser elimination match. 12. Ned Stark (Oz) - *SPOILER ALERT* he never makes it past the first season

Tony Stahl is a former champion and can be reached by stepping outside your door and letting out various yodel noises. 

[dirtyfantasyleague]

Week 2 Roundup!

Thaaaaaaaats right you fuckin ballbags.

 Stephen is here and ready to fantasy football it up. Mr. Verga of the week is none other than Das Reich. Our defending champ sent the projection center at NFLHQ a bag of shit and a picture of his record. Vigil put up 142.80 against (now) bottom-ranked Hector. Wopppp woppppp. Ghost of Romo took care of business by keeping Zeke-a Virus out of the win column. If I’m being 100% real, Oz very well could have listened this week and saw that even the coaching staff suggested that Gabbert was getting playtime. If I’m being 200% real, my win felt all that much better because I KNEW it and I didn’t tell him shit #DevilEmoji. Macho Man Tony Savage, whipped out big dick and enjoyed playing Mr Comes Verga Lexi. Hope you minded the balls too, Alexis!

In other news, ShhhhhHesSleepin continues to roll over the league, handling dirty dan. He will play Kelvin this week in the league’s only “family feud” game. That’s my game of the week. Hopkons this dick may just be the one to challenge big poppa. He whooped on Benjo, dropping 137, proving that he is the superior Texans fan, and will now whoop on Mr Comes Verga next week. That’s my lock.

One sec, let me make my thank you letters

Thank you, Nathan. For spending 42 waiver points on your team in the first week. WAB is digital gold, and I don't give money to charity.

Thank you, Antonio Brown. I need someone to campaign to bring Leveon back, and I think you’re on my side.

Thank you, Jimmy Fallon, stealing bits is so much easier than creating them when you’re tryna dump out a story in 30 mins.

Thank you, Ben Roethlisberger. I love when bench players score 40 burgers. Shame is a great motivator, Alexis Saldaña.

Below are my picks

Ghost of Romo > Thirty cha

Macho Man Tony > Zeke-a Virus

Dirty Dan (WENTZ IS BACK BABY) > Das Reich

Hopkons this Dick > Slexie

Hold My Beer < ShhhhHesSleepin

Benjo > GB12

If you have any problems with it suck a fk and remember:

Pay those league fees when you see me in the street!

aye them jag bois put the whoopin on the pats lol

[dirtyfantasyleague]

He can barely even stand

“It’s called sandwich meat!”, I barked.

In Coach Moreno’s class, this mother effing guy kept insisting that people called these sandwich meats by their specific names.

 “No, you say ham and baloney.”, he’d reply.

  …still think that shit is stupid.

I’m not really sure what happened, to be honest. Basically, everyone in the Dirty Fantasy League believed Nate was going to be a bye week, personified. An easy lay, just like he was in high school. He began his DFL career 8-5, a metaphorical punch in the naysayer mouth. Despite his loss in the first round to Swelly, Team RAMROD put the Dirty Fantasy League on alert. He followed with a 11-28 record in the 3 years following their inaugural season. 

I charted Nate’s career below.

Whew. Those three years were a rough stretch.

With the latter years of the Obama presidency behind him, Nate now intends to get his first playoff win against yours truly. While an analytical view of our matchup would be faster, no one would really trust me. 

Dearest Brother, Nate: 

I am writing this from the 6th position in the Dirty Fantasy League playoffs. I have gone from proud commissioner, to simple participant. This year I have watched my bye week hopes dwindle with each passing week, viewing my leads shrink faster than egg holsters in a cold shower. I am resigned to my fate. This isn’t the matchup I wanted. I wanted to end Vigil’s season, but if I’m meant to see him I’m sure I will. My team is ready to do what they must. Before we begin our hunt for the DFL Trophy, I’d like to remember the good times.

Landfill had the right idea.

As a keeper of archives, keeping this list short was a struggle

The Winter Olympics (Not pictured, a dizzied Dan on the floor)

That time you got me evicted on my 21st birthday (#PUSHGATE)

NOLLLAAAAAAAAAAA

There’s so many moments that we had, brother, moments that will forever be bittersweet to me once I insert cock in ass of your little team. You ask who’s Barry Badrinath? I don’t know, but the guy who asked sure as hell died if I’m remembering correctly. I know that regular season matchups can be a fun way to embrace friendship and brotherhood, but that ended last week, and all those men sitting on the couch WISH they could get a crack at us.

May the best my team win.

I feel bad, though. For the second time I’ve yet to make you a sandwich.

For those of you that don’t know, in 2014 and 2017 I made a bet with Nate. Loser makes a sandwich for the winner

I want to do right by you. I’m going to sweeten the pot.

 If I win, you make me one sandwich, and be sure to add a lot of sandwich meat.

If you win, I’ll chug 3 beers, give you a 12, and make you one sandwich with ham or baloney or another sandwich m.... umm..... you get it.. championship weekend.

I’m open to counter offers.

Signed, Stephen 

- Lord Beerus

Stephen Gutierrez is a lazy fuck with a heart of gold. He enjoys xbox and drinking out of pint glasses because beer “just tastes better that way.”

#gang gang gang gang gang

[dirtyfantasyleague]

Can’t Wait

By: Tone

   Can’t Wait!  But wait for what? The weekend to come? The holidays, to be finally off from work? For that cold beer, at the end of a work day, I have been saving in the back of the Fridge?

           Can’t Wait is a phrase, a phrase that has been thrown around by two of the biggest rivals in this league.  One is a bit chubby, hairy, yet intelligent like Yogi Bear.  The other mysterious, an awkward body, but brilliant.  One left his lab coat and test tubes for a Valentino Suit and a way to fabricate the truth.  The other is a striving billionaire philanthropist who happens to be an Accountant and almost a CPA.

These two persons have been friends for almost 10 years now and although the communication between the two seem to be only from Week 1 to 17 of the NFL season and during the Spurs playoff run… They continue to push each other (no homo).  Communication is infrequent and their friendship/bitter rivalry has expanded from Laredo Clark Middle to Dallas and Houston.  Eventually the former will take on a role of being a great defense attorney (I assume so since he is so defensive… Wait for laughter) and the latter will pursue a life in corporate America (Steal from the rich and the poor).  Nevertheless [Albeit] (Vigil’s favorite Law Term), there is still a fantasy football rivalry that cannot not be overlooked.

Although I cannot remember the exact record (my memory has faded as I grow old), I know I have the upper hand.  We committed a drop/trade that allowed Vigil to make the playoffs in Y2.  We had a failed trade that was veto’d by someone in the inner circle Y3.  We had a playoff match or two. If I am not mistaken Law School took him by storm on his Y4 and he had to take a leave of absence for the time being.  Yet, as this game began to get closer to Sunday Vigil knew that he had this week circled since draft day (and not because of midterms or Halloween).

Side Note: I will hurry as I know attention spans are getting smaller and smaller through each generation.  That is why I have to hit up the baby girls with one liners or a quick smile… and also why I bust in a minute (winky face).

As I look at my NFL app GameCenter, instead of doing workpapers at work, I cannot help but think of Remember Harambe’s Team as the morning beer shits I take after I get hammered.  Sort of Disgusted and sort of wondering how it got to this point.  So Vigil your team is absolute trash, like Enron Stock in ’01, like Kristy Montemayor after her baby, Like Katuska’s new image, Like Jags after dropping stacks on their Defense, and like the whole Harambe memes/jokes.  I do not show remorse or sympathy for you.  To me this is like every other week in fantasy football; I will open my laptop on Sunday Morning and put the players with the highest projected points in.  As for the matter at hand, hence the matchup this week of 1 and 2, I would like to say just like my paycheck this Friday… Can’t Wait!

Full disclosure this article was typed at 10:30am during working hours so grammar and punctuations will be skewed.  Please bare with me, I did not try my best.

Tone is a hardcore Cowboys fan, a lover of craft beer, a former champion, and is now based out of Dal….. HOLY SHIT DID HE JUST SAY KRISSY M WAS TRASH AFTER HER BABY? LMFAOOOOOOOOOO. 

As always, please send your op-ed pieces to [email protected] or to Ozzie’s email (which I wont say out loud cause it’s a lie)

[dirtyfantasyleague]

The State of Dirty Fantasy League

​Welcome, comrades, to another exciting season in Dirty Fantasy League! I am the newly appointed Senior News Writer for Dirty Fantasy League and COO of Remember Harambe, Vigil.

It is year six of our league, and who would have thought that from this league’s inception, its inaugural season, that the majority core of this league that consisted of a bunch of once young, stupid, yet aspiring guys would still manage to trudge and persist through the turmoil that our league has undergone. From the unforgivable “Pay-For-Play” scandal, to the infamous “Drop-Gate” scandal, to the inept management from our former commish, this league, and most of all, us men, have overcome great obstacles in persevering and playing yet another season, with hopes of continuing this league to the day where our children can one day continue our legacy.

We have had champions that ranged from Ozzie to Tone, to the ever charming, intelligent, nearly perfect Vigil. We have had complete and utter failures, year-in and year-out, in Steve, X, Danny and Gomez. Hell, we had people who had no business being in this league, yet were in Franco, Ricky, and who could forget the “true underdog, Cinderella story” in “Kuntree Boyz?” The 30 year-old from Colorado who played against a group of freshly graduated high school boys. As if that wasn’t a red-flag. We now welcome two new members: Alexis and Hector.Welcome, men. But, be warned

This isn’t your ordinary pansy league where belly rubs are welcomed.

Friendships and alliances once thought to be impenetrable will be broken. Friends will turn on each other and become foe. Enemies will bear to the true meaning of, “the enemy of my enemy is my friend.” Rival enemies will become friends and alliances, essentially, Hell freezing over. As I begin to conclude formal introductions to, yet, another fantasy football season, I know begin to shift the focus to another topic that warrants discussion because it caught all of us by surprise. The State of Dirty Fantasy League.

​It’s no secret at all that our league has undergone some changes. There has been a sudden, yet seamless transition from the Stephen Era, to the Ozzie Era. The Stephen Era has been a foregone memory, one which many have lauded as necessary to keep not only the integrity of this once prominent league intact, but also to keep the league from disbanding. The Stephen Era had been marred by corruption, disdain, ineptness and failure. Gone is the tyrannical, power-hungry dictator who would bend over backwards at the thought of assisting one of his many mindless minions, who also possibly portrayed the role of fellow lover behind closed doors. Yes, I am referring to the fact that Steve would aid his “entourage” of fools in Tony, Danny and Ozzie, to name a few. Whether it be allowing Tony to continue on to the playoffs, despite being a bigger villain in the role of the infamous “Drop-Gate” scandal than Vigil, all while kicking Vigil out of the playoffs just for being a victim. Or, allowing Ozzie to have an alternate person manage his season the year he went from hero to zero in the blink of an eye. With all this corruption, you would think Steve was President Enrique Pena Nieto and the league was Mexico. It’s no wonder that there was a demand for change. Yet, despite it all, Steve refused to submit to the perceptions of many, insisting he was innocent. His arrogance was so poisonous, that it nearly sent Dirty Fantasy League and its members into the wastes of Oblivion. Vigil, known by many as the true leader of this revolt, quit first to send a message. How many championships had this man been screwed over alone? Soon, many would follow.

(The fantasy, for our fantasy.)

For months, the future of this league remained in obscurity. However, finally, Steve was able to come to the conclusion that, not only was he unfit to have power so great in leading our league, but that he was inept and a failure. This is evident by his continued demise and fall from grace to an 0-3 start to this year’s fantasy season. He handed the reins over to a new commissioner, Ozzie. The two-time champ and Dirty Fantasy League’s inaugural titleholder was championed as the man who would lead us in a time of change.

And boy, has he ever already delivered on that promise of hope.

The knight and shining armor of this league rode in on his stallion to save what was once a sinking ship by becoming the glue of this league, and bringing us back together when we were at our worst. Under Steve’s regime, we were lost and broken up. Under Oz’s regime, like glue, we were brought back together to give this league at least one more chance. Oz organized the members who were to participate this season with dedicated members such as Hector and Alexis and omitted the “posers”, created a means of communication with one another that was unique and customizable with our league, gave members designated roles and kept the corruption out of this league…..for now. Attributes that plagued this league for six long years. No more! For many years, this league went from being the epitome of what all other leagues aspired to be, to a laughing stock. A joke. An embarrassment to all of its members, thanks to the former commish, Steve. Steve was supposed to be DFL’s sword to fight off whatever harmed us, instead, he was the dagger in our back.

In a matter of a month, Oz has already re-established this league’s prominence to what it once was at a time when the league was represented by champions such as Vigil and himself. We can only expect further greatness out of our new commish. The man I once stood alongside in the field of battle while we waged war against the likes of complete, overrated morons such as Billy Williams III, Clinton Killough, Robert Camarillo, Ricky Flores and Jace Amaro. It took Steve, essentially, burning OUR legacy, Dirty Fantasy League, to the ground. But, from the ashes of the old, a phoenix will rise. With that being said, be ever cautious, and have a wonderful fantasy football season! May a champion worthy of being the face of this league be crowned at its conclusion.

–COO of Remember Harambe & Dirty Fantasy League Senior News Writer: Vigil

Jesus Vigil is a registered sex offender in Oklahoma. He currently resides in Houston, Texas.

Reminder: Any op-ed pieces written can be submitted to [email protected] 

[dirtyfantasyleague]

Op-Ed: The Laws of the League, By Memo

      Gentlemen, as we all know, or should know, this is a league predicated on the foundation of brotherhood. We started as a group of friends from middle school, picking up some bonds throughout high school, and that is what lead this league to its genesis. We started as an 8 team league. A league where there was no shortage of star power, and 150-point games were of the norm. Then we expanded to a 10 team and eventually a 12 team league. Gaining depth became of the utmost importance which is what makes the championship team different from the playoff caliber squads. Now save for the history lesson another time… this is about the rules by which this league was founded on.

      In my opening paragraph I mentioned this league is centered on the idea of brotherhood. We all get along, most of us anyways, and the constant trash talk comes from the love we have for each other. Now this is not the Alexander HS football brotherhood, this has slowly became more of an Abel/Cain type of brotherhood. No love lost, only the aspiration for moving forward and the drive for gaining the best overall team. No one should stand in our way. We as humans tend to favor greed rather than fair trade. Remember when people were part of fair trade? I don’t, I wasn’t alive back then. Nonetheless we see some of our brothers selfishly taking advantage of one another in order to gain something we all want. The trophy is nothing but a symbolic piece attributed to the satisfaction of the reasonable claim of being the best. If not overall, at the very least for that one won season. (no repeaters yet) Now when did the allowance occur for us to completely butt fuck our fellow owners into something so beneficial to only one side? 

      Divisions now exist in our league; however, not in the way we originally planned. What was supposed to become a fun way of making fantasy football more competitive, we split our league into noticeable parts. We’ve seen our fair share of trades that should or should not have gone through (I personally have not taken a side yet) and I must ask… Why the fuck should we care? One side can claim the ignorance of another league member and claim their high priced players. If one can “negotiate” their “weaker” players into a deal for a better player, why not take advantage of such ignorance? On the other hand, why should we make this league unfair as far as the stacking of talent on a single roster? Why should we even punish the thought of one person finding success, even if said success is coming off the manipulation of another owner? We are after all, Americans. 

Hey guys, its Steve here! Find yourself in the picture! Sorry, thought it was getting pretty heavy. carry on. 

       As Americans, it is in our nature to value what we have over the person standing next to us, be it your friend, sibling, or unknown, while also devilishly scheming on a way to better ourselves while bringing someone down in the process. How can I make my rise even more meaningful to myself (I want all of us to ask this to ourselves)? Well it’s simple. Do it while making someone else sink. As horrid as this might sound, our league is no more different than the American system we were all raised in. The only way to find success is to find something that betters your own wellbeing while diminishing someone else’s. Sorry guys but that’s just the way it is. 

      Now whether or not these trades are deemed fair or not, trades aren’t the focal point of this article. What is, is merely the fact that we all know this is virtual (I quote someone “it’s just fantasy football. It’s not real”) and well I say FUCK YOU. This is as real as it gets for any of us gentlemen. I care not for anything you might believe but football is in all our hearts and this is some of the closest ways we can get to making football all that much more meaningful. At this time I would like to allude to the facet of the naming of this league. I faintly remember a conversation with a member in our league about the naming of our league. At the time, there was no foul play. When brought up to said individual, they mentioned the foresight of this league eventually being in a state where Thomas Hobbs would have been delighted to be a part of. The coarse nature of being in this league, with the constant ridicule and trickery, is not one many would be proud of. Gentlemen its time you guys get the idea on the actual vision for this league. I wish you all a warm welcome to The Dirty Fantasy League. Play ball gentlemen. At this point in time, Fantasy Martial Law is at hand and it is every roster for themselves. Either get with the program, get out, or be a fuckboi and complain about what you want done.

Parliament is done taking suggestions.

Congress shall pass no bills.

There is no right and wrong.

The laws of this land have been locked in Pandora’s Box.

He who tries to change this league further shall face the wrath of the league. This is the Dirty Fantasy League!

Assemble your crew, mothafucka.

Established LAWS: 1. No Autopicking on draft day 2. No such thing as illegal trade. 3. No roster is too stacked. 4. Sabotage is irked yet supported. 5. Votes are opinions and have no real force. 6. Vigil is forever a cock sucker. 7. Laws can be created, destroyed, and interpreted by anyone 8. These Laws have no real power. Good Day to All of You.

Guillermo De La Rosa is a fantasy-fanatic, a free-lance artist of sorts, and a tough-chinned Viking fan. He loves fantasy football almost as much as he loves fancy cars. 

Please send all Op-Ed pieces to [email protected]

[dirtyfantasyleague]

Y’all…. YALL!!!! It’s football season you dirty motherfuckers! I love you all, lets get that out of the way. You know how this story goes, I rate your team, you become irate, and then you get eye raped by my facts. (Yes, I was 3rd place at my poetry slam competition last week thanks for showing up NO ONE!) Okay, I know you didn’t come here so I could make some random abstract joke like the one above. So lets get crackin. 12th is bad 1st is good.

 Number 12 – Who’s Barry Badrinath?

 While he’s been an overall success (yes, look at the numbers) over the past 2 years, I can’t in good faith support this team. With headliners like Lynch, Seahawks D, and Brees, the show should be pretty good, correct? Unfortunately, the opening acts can’t hang. BROTHER NATE, here’s a suggestion: get rid of one of those QB’s taking up space and start an RB2 that wasn’t placed on IR. With some work and tasteful trades Nate will become a contender, he has the pieces to do it, but its gonna take some hustle.

 Quotables:

 “STEVE I WON. MAKE ME A Sandwich ya bitch”

 “If I can punch anyone in the world I would punch you (vigil).”

 Look to the men on your left for advice. You have work to do

 Number 11 – Smoke on the Bridgewater

 Remember when Memo won the championship? Well, I don’t, because this roster makes me forget anything good he’s ever done. Just kidding, its aight. In our league however: aight isn’t good enough. Calvin, an injury-prone Foster, and Julio wont cut it if they’re your top three. The most painful moment for this team came when they missed the time limit in the draft and had two picks that reached for Harrison Smith and the Vikings defense.  Hey,  you still have Golden Tate, and we all know what Calvin goes for in the market. Hit me up, we’ll work something out.

 Quoteable:

 “vigil tryna take a bite out of crimewoof woof”

 I think he’s working out a trade on the other side of that fence…..

Number 10 – Sonny Gon Shine

 Sunshiiiiine, everybody loves the sunshiiiiine! Well, summer’s over and we have some real problems. While the big 4 of Gronk, Forsett, Beckham and Maclin seems impressive, the lack of a true RB2 has me a little worried for our egg-avi’d friend. However, if Todd Gurley becomes a sensation, consider the league fried. I have nothing but faith in our 2013 scoring champ, he’ll find a way to get it done. The problem is the early losses, can he stay afloat while addressing some position deficiencies? I guess we’ll gave to wait and see.

 Quotables:

 “Smoking out, powing up keep that lean up in my cup”

 “Good luck to you too. Doubt you'll win.”

He about to slide in the waiver wire like ^^^

  Number 9 – Teki

 I will give you Cole Beasley if you can tell me what the fuck Teki means. I’ve googled it, and I still don’t know. Either way, this team is pretty good. With 3 bellcows in Jamaal Charles, Tommy Brady, and Randall Cobb, you can see Joel picked players who are the heart of their respective offenses. An impressive feat considering he drafted from his phone and while driving.  He has a solid roster and should make some noise in the win column early on.

 DISCLAIMER: DON’T TEXT AND DRIVE, ITS ILLEGAL FROWNED UPON WHEN FANTASY IS INVOLVED.

 Quotable:

 Lick my balls

 We’re Spurs fam, sure. Don’t think Dan and I will take it easy on him though.

 Number 8 – Gomez (Change your team name bish this aint no legacy league)

 On September 5, 2015, Miguel Gomez shocked Dirty Fantasy League to its core. What did he do, you ask? He drafted! And guess what? It’s actually a good team! With an overall solid approach in the draft, Gomez snatched Luck, Lamar Miller, and TY Hilton. The big names aren’t the drawing point of this team, it’s the second-tier players that will keep this team afloat. If he can avoid injuries, he’s a shoe-in for the playoffs.

 That’s right bitches, he’s back!

 Number 7 – Whore Oz – Dez Nuts

 The bad memories of the “2014 Washington Redskins” looms large in the head of one Oscar Cabello. Well, I don’t know that, but he sure did suck a lot of nuts last year. Now, how about Dez Nuts? Oz made some spicy picks in Peyton, Dez Bryant, and Torrey Smith. The true strength of this team comes from Mark Ingram and Latavius Murray, two backs who are primed to have breakout seasons. If those two blow up, im sure the rest of the league will be hella salty, get it?

 Quotables:

You either ADapt or PERISH, because by the time you realize it, don't touch your Peter son has just passed you by. - manager oscar

Lol looking at y'all's rosters and I ain't scared of any of y'all... Y'all tradh – Trash* if you correct me ima assume you’re a fag with a little dick

He’s pointing at you, fantasy story reader. Get ready.

 Number 6 – Bringers of Rain

 Drafting with only my wit and trademark commish zeal, I picked some winners, and I picked… Reggie Wayne.  Either way, I have picked a team to be reckoned with, earning (earning in my opinion) my way to the 6th rank in our league preview. Led by Aaron Rodgers, Lesean McCoy, and Sammy Watkins, my team looks to insert cock in ass of any opponent that deems me unworthy. With second-tier sleepers such as Randle and Jarvis Landry, it’s gonna be a long year for you. And it will culminate in me defeating Vigil once and for all.

 Quotables:

 I'm not creating a porno dammit

 Stop being mean to me just cause I beat the hell out of your team.

 Me and Kimbo have seen your rosters: eh.

 Number 5 – Benji (Change that name, although its funny you picked El Chapo before he escaped, pretty clever. Im suspicious)

 Whatever cartel affiliation our large friend has, he’s pretty great at drafting. He came in ranked #5 in last years ranking and lost the championship to Vigil (don’t ask me how). Either way, he’s reloaded, and ready to shoot hot bullets at all your domes. His bullets? None other than Le’veon Bell, Big Ben, Julian Edelman, and the combo of Anderson/Martin at RB. All of these players can go off on any giving Sunday, so are you feeling lucky?

 Quotable:

 “I dismantled Nate. Sorry Nate.”

Back when they caught him pushing dimes. (obviously not true)

 Number 4 – Slexie

 The new kid on the block is a drunk, a white boy, a reigning fantasy champion looking to prove himself in our league, and most importantly: a slut. With tequila in his system and a faulty draft board, Alexis somehow made a squad that will incite nightmares (I recommend Nyquil, haven’t had an episode of fantasy fear since). Starting his draft off with AP, he moved on to get players such as Stafford, Green, Roddy White, Jeremy Hill, and the Chiefs defense. All of these players have proven to be fantasy beasts time and time again. There’s a severe lack of sleepers on this team, which is a strength and a weakness.  For now, he is a paper champ, lets see him earn his keep.

Oh, I forgot to mention: The loser of Oz and Alexis’ week one matchup wears a dress to Hal’s landing. The stakes are HIGH!

  Number 3 – Everyday I’m Russelin

 Relocated, but never Re-invented: Our former champ is two years removed, but has stuck with his gameplan through the duration of his fantasy existence. DRAFT. THOSE. WIDEOUTS. Our “fantasy genius” says he has the best three wide receivers in all of fantasy football. I don’t know about all that mumbo-jumbo, but DT, Antonio Brown, and Mike Evans are pretty good.  With Wilson at the helm, I’d bet on this team to make a playoff run. Maybe don’t pass on the goalline (Wait. Do. Do pass. Pass that shit)

 Quotable:  

 “Is there a way to have underground bets for these games”

Vigil is a lie, and bitch im the truth – Tony, circa 2014 (probably.)

 Number 2 – Dirty Dan

 Vigil’s number one contender is none other than Dirty Dan, previously dirty dan and the four whores, previously dirty dan and the boyz, previously living in Laredo. Although he may have moved on, the mile-high-whore will not give up his spot in the league; instead, he will dominate most of us en route to a championship run. If you want to stop him, you’ll have to get through the likes of Romo, Ellington, Lacy, Wallace, Hopkins, and Jimmy Graham. Danny boasts a star-studded cast with depth to cover the weak spots. It’s our job to make sure he’s not the number one contender, but we are.

 Quotables:

 “kathy is my whore now”

 “good afternoon dick lovers! my morning was great! beast workout! I got class in 2hrs then work. how yall doing?”

Sleep well, Dan. Just know we’re coming for you.

  Number 1 – The Shield

 This hurts, so fucking much.

 *Inhales/Exhales*

 Vigil has the best roster in our league. I don’t know how he did it, but our defending champ has a roster to be reckoned with, and I have to show respect. While he’s moved on to Law School in Houston, Vigil has actually improved his ranking from last year from #6 to #1. With studs such as Forte/Murray/Newton/Jeffery to steals such as J. Cameron/T. Williams/J. Thomas/Fitz, our champion has a squad to be feared and revered. He knows he has the target on his back, so he’ll most likely operate carefully this year, which could be his downfall. God, I hope so.

Quotables:

“As if I haven't expressed my opinion enough, but the Dirty Fantasy League Commish, Steve, is a bottom-feeding, low-life piece of trash that has obviously allowed the power to go to his head. It's time to cut off the head of the snake. Steve was supposed to be the league's sword, instead he is the dagger behind our back.”

“When all of y'all become relevant talk to me. Otherwise fuck off. -Evolution GM & COO: Vigil”

 These were the old glory days of Vigil, we’re living in the new ones.

Anyways, those are my rankings for the 2015 season. Let me know what you think in the comments on the link page!

Stephen Gutierrez is a fantasy savant, full time student, and Dallas Cowboys fan. He loves beer and his cat, he once texted a girl to wish him luck with a boss while he played banjo-kazooie. So yeah, he’s pretty awesome.

[dirtyfantasyleague]

Spotlight Part II - Et tu Brute?

PREFACE:

Before I speak to the fine people, playoff participants, hopefuls, and maybe even prospects of the fine DFL community, I must get one thing clear: This article is not fair. It isn’t just, it isn’t necessarily right. Like anything in this world, if we love something enough, there must be sacrifice. This article I’m currently writing isn’t just a recollection of events. This article is a love story (hold your questions until after this paragraph). I know what you’re thinking, the answer is no. This is a love story about fantasy football. This is the birth of our league. Did you know the first fantasy draft was conducted in 1963? Hell, I doubt people even had techni-color TV’s back then. No twitter, no NFLNow, no Wi-Fi, just a lot of stat keepers trying to not go insane with the flux of constant numbers flying around. Crazy how a therapeutic game turned into this, but it has. Sorry if my preface seemed a bit confusing, it’ll make sense soon.

  Alexander High School

Fast-forward about 40 or so years, as most of us remember, we attended Alexander High School. A smaller amount of us participated in the prestigious football program, from which trophies were won, regions were conquered, and brothers were made. There is a sense of fraternity in certain aspects in life, the more one goes through with another, the stronger the bond becomes, and we bonded as brothers. One man I called friend, but certainly wouldn’t call close was a Jesus Vigil, he was quiet, mild-mannered. I knew him, spoke with him, but never could tell you anything about him other than he liked the Spurs (and that was because of his Spurs shirt he wore to practices). A mild mannered friendship was fine with me, but one day it all changed. I distinctly remember (or maybe I’m making this up) Vigil walking into the locker room and acting differently. He walked up to me, grabbed my shirt, and viciously slammed me to the locker and said

  "Heard you been talking shit about me"

Keep in mind I was probably 90 pounds at the time, so I didn’t have any business getting cute with my answers....

Dude, I don’t know what you’re talking about I never talked shit about you

Little did I know Oscar (Dominguez, Ramos, De La Hoya? I always forget his last name) planted that story, and the Vigil I once knew was dead forever. Update: Oh it's Ramirez! Just remembered.

  Love at first sleeper

The new Vigil was brash, loud, arrogant, and let you know what team he rooted for. He was true-blue in the midst of a red storm of offensive linemen, who tortured him, made him wear disgusting caps, and invited him (and me) into a fantasy league. A lonely, god-forsaken, 16-team league was our home. We had no way to succeed there, we hadn’t drafted, the season was already in progress, and they left us out to die. The hunt, the beautiful hunt is what drew us in. We scrapped for the only players we could, Anthony Armstrong was my pride and joy, a 2010-equivilant to John Brown (Of the Arizona Cardinals). The only player I picked up off of their merit, and he was below-average at best. Vigil and I knew, then and there, we were changed men. We couldn’t go back to the old, archaic way of watching NFL, for what? We made the change.

  THE FUNK IT, FANTASY! ERA

  Adjusting from user to commissioner in a league is a tough change, one that eats at your very humanity. It teaches you to see the worst in people, examine every possible angle, even when those angles don’t seem attainable from the higher-minded. Being commissioner has taught me one thing; being high minded doesn’t help when the chips are down. Vigil knew this year one, and bit the hand that guided us into the world of fantasy. The drop-trade which broke so many ethical-barriers that I won’t even begin to speak of. In an aggressive and traitorous way of upwards mobility, he burned the very bridge that he rode his white stallion into this league on. He envisioned this league on certain morals and turned his back on them when he was drowning, and for that transgression, he will never be forgiven. I found it fitting to change the league name to Dirty Fantasy League to serve as a reminder that Vigil had tainted this league’s history forever.

  To Vigil, signed: Caesar.

  We built this league together. Now while you have crippled its integrity before, I love you like a brother regardless. Funny thing about family, though: they aren’t immune to betrayal in the name of moving up the ladder. This is most-evident in the great work ‘Julius Caesar’ which features the most shocking and heartbreaking betrayal of all-time. See, Vigil, I was stabbed before, years ago. Thing is..... you didn’t finish the job. When my team faces off against yours this week, there will be no doubt. I will not hesitate this time around. I will twist the knife, to the man that founded this beautiful league with me. It's funny, isn't it? A league that was supposed to keep people sane, is driving me to do the unspeakable, to crush your hopes and dreams. I don’t know if I’m good at that, but I know it will happen. You have no day in court, no procedural way to escape my wrath, you will pay for the treason you have committed to this league, and the execution will be televised. I will end my brother. There will be no doubt, and as they re-write the great work that is Julius Caesar, I will be one step closer to Kathy. After all, that is who I do this for.

  Top players:

  Suck my dick, they’re all blowing Vigil the fuck out.

Stephen Gutierrez is a fantasy savant, a devoted friend, and a semi-proud cat owner. He loves his lemonade almost as much as the Dallas Cowboys.

[dirtyfantasyleague]

Spotlight: Tone/Sonny II

Tony and Sonny's rivalry has been one of disappointment, frustration, angst. To suggest they possess a Fantasy Cold War is an understatement. These are the same two owners that looked past their respective playoff opponents last year, and focused on their upcoming game. We all know how that ended, and if we don't let me remind you: Sonny lost to eventual-champ Memo, Tony lost to runner up Gomez. Tony then defeated Sonny in a whimper of a 3rd place game (really, the only thing that matters the last week is the championship and the sacko, lets be real here). While it is apparent that these teams don't enjoy eachothers company, I think they'd both set their differences aside for another shot at glory. Alas, they'll have to wait a year for that opportunity. Before any of that, however, they have to win.

The sacko playoffs are a test of a competitors true will to succeed, whereas the playoffs you must be at the top of your game consistently, the sacko playoffs you must put together one good game. Losers of three straight (or two, if you have a bye week for sucking) will claim this dreaded prize and be reduced to a throwaway punchline during Vigil's performance at the laugh factory. The playoffs require you to not slip up. In the sacko playoffs, I like to believe we are all waiting for our opponent to slip. Maybe they'll forget to change their lineup, maybe they wont even look at the matchups, maybe they're just prone to slip-ups and that’s why they're in there in the first place. Either way, I'm sure both are hoping the other slips, so that their season can fade into obscurity, and they can avoid being part of Vig's stand up routine.

My prediction? Well, if I had to guess, I'd go with Sonny on this one. What he lacks at RB he makes up with in favorable matchups. Tony has a talented roster but I cant see some of his bigger names performing here.

Top Scorers:

Sonny: Cutler vs DAL, Hopkins vs JAX, D.Thomas vs BUF, D.Bailey vs CHI

Tone: Luck vs CLE, Lacy vs ATL ,Calvin vs TB

Who will disappoint?

Tre/Dez and Dixon/Julio -- What do you think? Comment bitch.

[dirtyfantasyleague]

Moneyball

“The problem we're trying to solve is that there are rich teams and there are poor teams. Then there's fifty feet of crap, and then there's Evolution. It's an unfair game. And now we've been gutted. We're like organ donors for the rich. Katherine Heigl has taken our kidneys, I Need Some Luck has taken our heart. And you guys just sit around talking the same old "good body" nonsense like we're selling jeans. Like we're looking for Fabio. We've got to think differently. We are the last dog at the bowl. You see what happens to the runt of the litter? He dies.” – Billy Beane, Oakland A’s General Manager

  As I sit currently in my Evolution class, with the professor blabbering away about the concept of cladistics and cladograms, my mind had to but wonder off and contemplate at what Evolution has ascertained- greatness. They are on the precipice, the brink of accomplishing what this league once avoided- attaining relevance amongst the power hungry deviants that comprise Dirty Fantasy League, and act as a virus, slowly turning a once healthy and beautiful entity, into the shriveling, pathetic, sorry-excuse of a league that it currently has bestowed upon it. I take pride in modeling my managerial skills after the legendary, great Billy Beane, the famed Oakland A’s GM. Till this day, I utter the aforementioned phrase in my mind, and I wonder? It holds true to my heart. As I watch the remnants of what once was my team being pillaged and picked on like a carcass by the vultures that is the members of this league, I lay back and watch currently from my position as the masses of you squirm for an opportunity to drink from the water dish, and this so-called runt of the litter has found a means to find a way to succeed. Through cerebalness, intelligence and wit alone, I have found a way to remain relevant and dominant when compared to the New York Yankees (Steve), Boston Red Sox (Benji), Los Angeles Clippers (X), New York Knicks (Tony), Cleveland Cavaliers (Dan) and Denver Broncos (Oz) of the world. Yes sir, Evolution has found a method for achieving greatness.

Moneyball. Just like Billy Beane himself, I have incorporated the provisions and skills onto my fantasy team. And slowly, but surely, the world, including you all, have witnessed and paid homage to a team full of low-key names that everyone has seemed to overlooked because they were too busy fooling around with the bigger names in the business. Where everyone avoided these players because they were “broken”, deficient, weird or whatever the case may be, I said, “I’ll take a chance because I see the real potential.” And look at where we are at now. The chumps that took a chance at the high profile names, have watched their seasons go into flames, much like the careers of the players they banked to ride to a championship, whether it was because their prime time players abused children (Oz), abused their wife (Dan) or simply peaked (Tony and Memo) doesn’t matter. They made the unwise choice, unlike Vigil, and now they are forced to whither and perish away into time, whereas I adapted with a new technique, Moneyball, that acts as an innovative means of pursuing a fantasy football championship, doing away with the archaic, dinosaur of a process that many of you still abide by till this day.

Tony stated it himself. “Vigil somehow pulls off a win.” Hell, Oscar was so ashamed and beside himself, that he simply said he had no comment. I wouldn’t either, if I was staring into the face of greatness and football immortality. But when someone obtains excellence and success, there are those who try to mimic what you do to try to have a slice of the pie, only to come to a realization that there is nothing left but my crumbs, or as I like to call it, my sloppy seconds. “It’s not as good as Winningball. The world will soon hear my story!” said Steve. Poor, foolish boy. Forever living in the shadows of the Vigilante. I don’t have the courage to tell him to jump off the Titanic before it sinks to the bottom of the Atlantic. I mean, who am I to destroy his fantasy? That’s all you can do when facing me. Fantasize.

Adapt, or perish. Heed my word, men. Adapt, as I have. Or perish away like the myriad of victims I have proudly put in their place, into irrelevance and laughing stock. You better do it soon because by the time you realize it, Evolution has just passed you by. –Evolution GM & COO: Vigil

[dirtyfantasyleague]

The Dagger Behind Our Back

Initially the purpose of this story was to describe the illustrious, illusive and gorgeous Krissy. I'm referring to both the championship, and the genetically gifted perfection of an individual we have come to know as the sibling of that troll that is Steve. I could not locate a photo of her, so instead I decided to write about these pieces of garbage, low-lives displayed in the league story photo. The man to the far right with the Krissy firmly grasped in his clutch is known as, Tony Stahl. For those that have had the misfortune of knowing the weasel to a certain extent, one may not recollect whether he is an ally, or an enemy?

     Sure, Tony is pictured with the Krissy and newly incorporated championship belt considering he was champion for what is now two years removed, but one cannot help but express joy and anguish of seeing him be forcefully removed from those titles, not to mention have another member of this fine league dethrone the champ from what is rightfully his, albeit it came in the form of Memo, the alleged corporate bitch of a lap dog of the higher authority which seems to me to be more disastrous to this league than Tony initially holding those titles. But that is another story for another time. The focus right now is the owner of Dez-ed and Confused, Tony.

     Some may consider Tony the knight and shining armor of Dirty Fantasy League, the sword and shield used to defend this league from malice and corruption, who represents the good and what's right about this league in general. What is the perception of Tony from my stance? Clearly, not that, but rather he is the dagger behind our back! Why has Tony and the authority, Steve, failed to address the knowingly condoned "asterisk" to Tony's championship, banner year? Why doesn't anyone ask him what really happened? How he was once considered the trash, the laughing stock of the league that year, only to return from the grave and straight into the annals of Dirty Fantasy League immortality? Or why the commish when interviewed via video, mysteriously lost the video after promising the league an exclusive, in-depth interview that addressed this issue?

     Finally, the answer to all the riddles. The enigma at hand is solved. The fact of the matter is that the players Tony rode on to the championship game to capture the titles were players that, had it not been for corruption on behalf of both Tony and Steve, would be on Vigil's team. That's right! Vigil made a trade that would've acquired Matt Ryan and DeMaryius Thomas when they were about to break out, which they did, in exchange for expendable players in Darren McFadden and Cam Newton. Tony agreed to the deal in person, electronically and was in full commitment to the deal. Yet, behind our back, Tony, under the tutelage of Steve, had the deal negated, keeping those players on his team and riding them to a championship year, essentially screwing everyone over (primarily Vigil). Vigil could've, scratch that, would be the champion contrary to what Tony would say about his self-calculated "statistics and calculations". Vigil a champion, a worthy face to represent this prominent league. Instead, Vigil gets screwed over again and again and again by the authority and his fucking pets! As a result, the commish issued out a "commish veto" that forever changed the structure of this league. he came up with a new concept to make it "legal" so if future actions that were similar in context were again executed, he can refer to his "veto power" to nix the deal to his, or their, advantage. Where do we, as respectful and admirable men, take a stand? Do I stand alone? Where are the men I went into battle with every day, especially on Friday nights? Have they perished and withered away with the time? Do I stand alone?

     For those of you recovering in shock, Tony's championship, banner year has an asterisk and now we know the meaning behind it. Tony's championship is a fluke. A mere mirage of what could've been. No better than Lance Armstrong winning seven Tour de France's because he resorted to illegal activities to attain prosperity and success. The same concept applies to Tony, as did Lance Armstrong. Having Steve as commish, is like appointing Hitler to run the United States and having his Nazi thugs run his operations, with reference to Memo, Oz, maybe Tony and who else knows who else. These men will act as the Third Reich of Nazi power reincarnated if they presume their actions.

Remember men. Adapt, or perish. Because if you fail to adapt, you'll see Evolution pass you by, and then you'll realize that it's too little, too late. Don't be the many that have perished due to my wrath and power. Join me, and alongside me, you adapt and prosper by the good graces that is my will. If you have doubt, just refer to senior year of high school football. When I took out the fullback that allowed Oz to make a solo tackle and give us the game saving tackle on the two point conversion try by Weslaco in the Area Championship, propelling us to our very first Third Round appearance in school history. If what transpired didn't occur, then Weslaco would've converted, tied the game, sent the game to overtime and the world would have fallen. Till this day Oz takes all the credit for that game as he was carted off the field on the hands and shoulders of the clueless mass, while I withered and decomposed away, lying face down on the field of battle, clutching my broken hand, an injury I sustained during that same very play. Don't stand for men like this holding power over the true heroes (you), the true winners in my book. I settled for being the Robin to Batman's crusade (Oz). Don't be a Robin. Don't be me. Be Batman himself, and help me take down the Joker, excuse me, the commish Steve. Help me save Gotham City, or in this case, Dirty Fantasy League. -Evolution GM and COO: Vigil

[dirtyfantasyleague]

Power Rankings!

Who likes draft grades? No, I'm serious, who likes draft grades?

  Think about what goes into draft grades..... 

    IN DRAFT GRADES YOU GET A FEW THINGS ANSWERED:

How good you dealt with change (when your pick is "stolen")

Bang-for-buck picks

Balance in your roster

Depth.... fucking depth....

I know what we all want to see, and it isn't what I think your 12th round pick MIGHT do if both your running backs twist their pathetic ankles on simultaneous 4 yard runs. 

You want to know "who's the best?" Who's your competition? Who SHOULDN'T you trade with? Is Vigil ruining his team? Not what bullshit grade I can give you for a draft that happened TWO WEEKS AGO. There's no room for politics, no sugar-coating your mindless draft mistakes by giving you a B- grade. You'll get a swift #9 ranking if your team is that bad. Because why be polite to you people? 

*crickets*

Anyways, these are my rankings for the 2014 Season:

STARTED!

Number 12 - Fosters AustARIAN for Beer

I have quite a few thoughts about this team, and though most of my thoughts should be rooted in disdain and general rage in the direction of our 2011 champion Ozzie, I don't have alot. What i do have is a deep concern for a team that hangs it's hat on Tony Romo, Adrian Peterson, Julius Thomas, and the Seahawks Defense. On paper, this team shouldn't be able to hold a candle to the competition. In my opinion, this is a team that should get the 4 seed in our playoffs (by way of AP and rookie wideout explosion) but for now, they reside in the bottom of our rankings. 

Number 11 - Team RAMROD

Stacked with talent, but also question marks. For every question Ozzie's team has above, this team triples the confusion. So for a team that has Brady/McCoy/Jennings shouldn't be questioned? RIGHT? Well, for all the undeniable "talent" this team has on the roster, they have players like Ruben Randle (poor preseason), R. Woods (poor preseason qb), 49'ers defense (you know the story). Those three players are the epitome of this team, they define them, and until the definition can change into a positive, this team will be ranked 11th.

Number 10 - to be contunued..

Our reigning champion Memo might have ruined his entire season when he walked into that Buffalo Wild Wings. With 3 beers in his pockets and what seemed like no regard for the betterment of his team, Memo made fantasy decisions that can only be linked to extreme hubris. Though this team may seem stout, history shows that his running backs will be his achilles heel this season. Although the rest of his team is what i call "pretty damn good," A few cardinal mistakes were made when he drafted a runningback that consistently gets beat out of his job by a 35 year old, not to mention (but i am mentioning it) a RB with consistent injury issues (can yall guess who is who). With possible questions at QB who some call "RGOneRead" (tbh, running QB's can be terrible, it makes no difference cause they run, BUT...) If these two running backs can stay healthy and put up 10 a game, this team is top 3. My guess, they wont, and if they do something else will go wrong. Such is the curse of the champion. 

Number 9 - Dez-ed and Confused

Running backs matter people. Why do i say this? Because they give EASY points, even when the chips are down for the rest of your team. Everyone goes for these players really fast, so i can understand finding talent, but to not draft ONE upper-tier RB is to spit on the faces of the fantasy football gods. Can Tony clash with the Titans this season? Knowshawn Moreno has the skill to be a top 10 running back in this league. Dez and Jimmy Graham are automatic, Luck can drop 400 yards a game. Outside of those big players we're left with some disappointing talent that will have to lean on big players in order to scrap by and attain wins. It's doable, yes. Will it happen? I'm not sure, look for this team to find some players via trade or waiver wire.  

Number 8 - VAPantyDropper

As a veteran in this league, it's expected that newcomers make a dramatic impact on the playoff outlook. Expect Rick to do just that. While boasting the humble ranking of 8 (2 out of the playoff spot), VAPantyDropper has studs such as Lynch, alshon, and the panthers defense. Only problems from what is a generally solid team would be based around uncertainty at WR. With the lack of a true 1WR and bad depth, this team is going to have to hinge on iron chinned players to survive the rigorous and unforgiving NFL season. If this team can reside in the fountain of youth, this team is a definite lock for our playoffs. If not, well, it could get ugly. 

Number 7 - Sonny with a chance

SONNY! It's all about star power over in Sonnyville (a name i just came up with because i chose to do so) Armed with alot of talent, but a few concerns. Ignoring the solid players on this team (Foles, Bailey, Chiefs Def, Demarius, Julio) there are some questionable starters. Stephen Jackson and Zac Stacy are among these, one playing past his prime on a primarily pass-heavy team in rebuilding mode, and another playing without his starting qb. Sonny has done a fine job in attaining Stacy's backup, staying true to the fantasy tradition of handcuffing "just in case!" This is not the championship roster that scored the most points in the league last season. With the use of wavier points, and some strong-arm trades, Sonny can re-claim the playoffs (but not the scoring crown). 

Number 6 - Evolution

Yes, he's actually pretty good! I'm surprised too, but after scouring teams i kept coming back to this one and realized the depth at RB. Look for this team to trade CJ2K or DMC for a viable TE while retaining depth, starting what is probably the strongest WR combo in our league, and dealing players constantly. Losing Graham was a big hit for this team, but losing him gives Vigil exactly what Vigil needs. That need being extra WR's to wheel and deal around the league. Hell, some of those WR's are actually good. If Vig can continue to improve his team by trading WR pieces and rebuilding the now GAPING whole at TE, he'll make the playoffs securely. What i think will happen? He'll probably burn his bridges with terrible offered trades, but hey! He already traded twice this season. Anything can happen.

Number 5 - Pablo Esco

Oooooooh! The upper enchilada! Benji comes up strong with this roster, boasting talent such as Rivers, Jamaal Charles, Arian, Sproles, Witten, and the Cards defense. Only concern for this team is who they place faith at in WR. Eman Sanders will tear between the numbers for the first quarter of the season, but after? I don't know. Choosing between Sanders/Harvin/Colston/Amendola/M.Evans/Tate might just be death for Benji, it'd be death for anyone who doesnt have a 100 confidence rating in madden. This team is potent, but will the managing be pinpoint? You're drive, sir. Try not to scratch the paint. 

Number 4 - Dirty Dan N the 4 Whores

I'm Dirty Dan! Dan sat right across me in the fantasy draft, i have to say, i underestimated him. He has put together a S Q U A D. Headlined by players like Brees/Lacy/R.Wayne/Fitz/Gronk this team will score in bunches. My only concern is the RB depth, because once Rice comes back, the only backup on this team is J. Rodgers and Dri Archer (who will end up being a 3rd RB in Pitt) putting aside a iffy defense (look for dan to pick up alot of defenses this year) this team is built for greatness. If Gronk plays sixteen games this season, and his RB's survive the grueling december cold, we might just have a champion. Let's hope not. 

Number 3 - Michael make me a SAMwhich

BACK IN BLACK! No, seriously, Gomez is the devil. He's somehow regained form after being obliterated in the league championship. Wait.... Shouldn't he be voldemort? Nvm i already typed, no going back now. AROD, AJ, Gore, TY, Vernon, Bengals, Roddy! So much talent on this team it's crazy. We can, however, take solace in the terrible QB play by Kap (Davis) and the great running skills of K.Moreno (L. Miller). This team has so much solidity we will have to pray for injuries, byes, illness, anything. We can beat Gomez, y'all, we just cant make a single mistake. 

Number 2 - Katherine Hiegl

Yes, THATS RIGHT! I have a team this time. Praise be to Jesus (not vigil.). We are doing this for Kathy. My team has two true upper-enchilada running backs in Murray and Forte, a great TE in Cameron, high scoring QB in Cam, and WR depth behind Welker/Patterson/Andre (Bowe, Austin, S. Smith). The one concern for my team is that many of these players have been nicked by injuries. If the Rams defense can prove to be what it is hyped up to be, and my players stay healthy...... Well, I guess I'll see you during opening ceremonies, while i drench myself in champagne. 

Number 1 - The Rowdy Whites

Saaaaaacccckkkkoooooo! Honestly, i'd rate myself one, because im de beyst. I didn't though. This team has studs like Peyton/Bell/Gates/Olsen/Jordy. Overall solidity is what may just win him the championship. One concern is that alot of these players are on teams that might "take it easy" come playoff time. With raw talent such as Micheal Floyd and depth like Stevan Ridley, Joel covered a few bases. Patriots defense might not have been a smart pick, but im drunk. If Joel's runningbacks do well he takes it all this year. I really don't think they will, though.

Let me know your thoughts on the link page! holla

[dirtyfantasyleague]

Clash of The Titans

This is a head to head interview about two of the most infamous teams in this league, the Swelly Express and The Vigilantes

In this interview I obtain their opinions on damn near everything.

As I walk into the once crowded Student Center, I see a depleted man in a Matt Ryan jersey somberly reading a book. I walk up to this man, otherwise known as Vigil, who we all have grown accustomed to by his trash talking/trade baiting/ insulting antics. We first begin to speak and I notice that his priorities seem shifted, he tells me about his finals predicaments much like he would his fantasy predicaments. He sits at the table and chugs his monster drink in hopes that he can somehow stay awake despite an inadequate sleeping schedule

once the clock strikes 5pm, Tony Stahl is released from work and finds us in the walkway of the college. Proudly wearing his Intermurals #1 shirt, he struts toward us. We all exchange formalities and discuss finals while on our way to the site of the interview. As Vigil continues to explain his situation, I spot a certain honey giving Tony a look. He does that thing where he trys to be sexy then looks away. I dunno if that's hot so make your own opinion

We arrive to the student center, take a commemorative picture, then take a seat --

Me: Both yall here at TAMIU...

Vigil: Studying for finals

Me: Yeah thats probably a really stressful time of the year for both y'all

Vigil: Just spent 3 hours in class, got a final on the way, now im studying for one also

Me: Then you gotta beat tony in the playoffs

Vigil: Im used to it, there's always posers trying to take my spot. Evident by the man sitting next to you

Tony: I'd like to counter that, im not a poser. I mean i made it here with my players, sorry Steve, sorry Oz, but i did beat.....

Vigil: NO APOLOGIES ARE NEEDED FOR THAT BUM OSCAR.

Tony: Won 3 out of the last 4 to make it

Vigil: I want it to be known that Oscar deserves to be in the bottom of the league with the trash.

Me: Alright, but both you guys have extremely different stories. Vigil you started off really hot, you were number one

Vigil: LETS JUST SAY JOEL WOULDN'T BE NUMBER ONE IF IT WASN'T FOR INJURIES. [Bush, Spiller, Harvin, Maclin, Jackson]

Tony: Remember the first number one...

Vigil: uhhh. that doesn't make sense

Me: Oh wait, I remember this

Vigil: Like after a two week span!

Me: I have both of you in the room and I know Memo and maybe even Ozzie want to know about this.... The dirty trade! C'mon guys.

Vigil: *Laughs* First of all, these are allegations. Memo deserves to be where he is right now. Two years straight without a playoff spot. His team is stacked!

Me: Memo has put together some good teams.

[I'm skipping ahead a little cause they get a bit off-topic]

Tony: I received an ESPN update informing me of Harvins season ending injury, then Vigil texts me offering me Harvin [Past trade deadline]

Vigil: I was given the illusion of drop trading

Me: It doesn't work this year with waivers. Now both of you have put me in weird positions over the past two years.  There was a point in time in which i took away points from tony and gave them to memo. Tony had called me freaking out and memo ended up not going to the playoffs. This was because there was no definitive evidence that it was a dirty trade but it was a dirty trade

Vigil: When you give sexual favors what else is there to do

Me: but this is in the past

Vigil: everyone has special privileges than me! They take the road more traveled

Me: the road more traveled?

Vigil: I dunno if its bribes or sexual favors or i don't know

Tony: Look here shithead, if i didn't give you Colston last year you wouldn't have made the playoffs, i would have had a bye and I probably would have taken the championship  Consider yourself lucky. This is my second year, i'm like the spurs! I just keep coming back

Vigil: I say the same thing for me

Me: He wants some nasty

Vigil: You weaseled your way in, but your little upset minded Cinderella story is on the clock. I'm about to strike midnight

Tony: Only way you win is by today's [Thursday] game.

Vigil: Can I ask Tony a personal question.... What's your overall playoff record

Me: He's 0-1

Vigil: What is mine?

Me: Your 1-1

Vigil: The guy is trash, i could have benji playing me this week, doesn't matter. See those Christmas presents under the tree? Pick one up and get out of my life cause YOU'RE DONE!

Me: Why would he have to pick up a Christmas present?

Vigil: Cause I'm ending his year early

Tony: Don't worry, mother nature already gave me my gift... Beating you. 

Me: OH I GET IT! Mother nature gave him his gift, beating you, PERIOD.

Vigil: Oh i get it, more sexual favors

Tony: It's called being witty, gotta be as smart as me. Not only am i gonna outsmart you this week. I'll beat you. Look at your match ups and fix your team

Vigil: Drew Brees and Cam Newton?

Tony: Can't start em both

Vigil: I got options

Tony: After today's game.... You're done

Vigil: What about these special privileges

Me: Everyone can contact me about pushing trades through, and i give memo story and poll privileges

Vigil: Oh by the way memo, you're stories suck ass

Tony: They're only good when he mentions me, Smelly Express? I take a shower man

Me: Smelly Excess

Tony: Sounds like a deodorant

Me: Anyways.... What about the other matchups? Dan and Cutie Patooties, cause Dan came out of nowhere.

Vigil: Frankly, they're both trash.

Tony: Dan only scores when AP does good

Me: He's the leading scorer though

Vigil: Take away his two wins and he's nothing

Tony: If i took two from you you'd be with the bottom feeders

Me: Vigil you didn't get the bye

Tony: How unfortunate, does your vagina tingle knowing you didn't get the bye?

Vigil: Are you intimidated?

Tony: *pauses* You know how the pope takes long to answer questions?...... This week i play the vigilantes this week i beat the vigilantes this week is finals week and vigil is final-lly gonna be done

Vigil: If i lose it's because of lack of intelligence, i wasted all of mine on school

Me: Whoa bro, you are not going to be making excuses already, nobody has played yet

Tony: Was that an excuse?

Closing statements

Vigil: First of all the whole league is a bunch of laughing stocks, its embarrassing to be part of a league that is so mediocre  The only decent team is Joel and hes so intimidated by me that he called me out, i just want him to know that there's a bulls-eye on his back and i never miss. Tony is trash and has nothing on me. Im looking forward to Gomez in the second round. As for Memo Oscar and Steve, those bums deserve to be where they are... last in life PERIOD! Whether its fantasy football, life or anything, they suck.

Tony: This league was fun, it was a nice ride, i boosted my teams morale and momentum for the playoff weeks. Wish we could have had more smash talking than just vigil. I respect him for that. For the people who lost and missed the playoffs don't be switching it like "Its just fantasy!"

*Vigil bursts out laughing

Me: Thats word to Oscar

Tony: Its to Benji too, its bragging rights.